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Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 8:03a | hello everyone. as i said earlier--i dont cut--. im here cuz i have a lot of questions on it. i have this disire to do it when i get really depressed but im able to cope with myself and not do it. you all seem to enjoy it, it sounds like it makes you feel better, why else would u do it? should i just give in to myself and do it? is it gonna make me feel better?or am i just debating something i shouldn't be thinking about? someone please give me an answer. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: hot hot heat |
| 8:59a | you always had the blondest hair... well. last night was eventful.... i was so sick of feeling dirty due to the mike incident, tired of cutting, of failing in school, everything. i informed kris that i was going to hang myself. FUCKING IDIOT THAT I AM. and i forgot to hang up the phone. i'm so fucking stupid. well anyway, i tried and fell twice. kris got scared and called 911. an ambulance soon arrived to save me. woohoo. i was okay and i warned my mom beforehand that the ambulances were coming. she got really pissed off. so a whole posse of rescue vehicles, police cars, etc showed up. and the paramedic was none other than my neighbor, steve forschler. (sp?) reeeeally fucking embarassing. so they questioned me and i made up a story, that kris and i were talking about suicide and i said iwould hang myself if i was going to commit suicide and then my phone disconnected. they bought it. they brought me into the hospital and hooked me up to machines and wires and shit to make sure i was okay. then they questioned me and blah blah blah. i'm going to be tested for bipolar disorder. they were mean. and were all like "you're messed up." wow. real self esteem boost there. and shit. anyways. i got out at about 11 and came home. my dad suggested i take today off to finish my hw and stuff, since i had a doc's appt for my thyroid in westchester at 9:00 i wouldn't get home until about 11:30 in the afternoon anyways. so here i am. scared. but safe. i will never. i repeat, NEVER, attempt suicide again. that was scary enough to go through, i never want to have to again. they doubled my zoloft dose, awesome. not. fuck. anyways....yeah. my doctor in westchester looked at the scars on my leg and tutted and was like "this is terrible. shame on you." i was like "um...thanks?" yeah. stupid bitch. i hate her, she's always like that. loser. yeah, so i'm not in school today. bye. Current Mood:  guiltyCurrent Music: Alexisonfire x Water Wings |
| 3:12p | Word, its my birthday! Yeh…16…fun no? technically I wont be 16 til 400pm but that’s besides the point. Amanda got me sum lotions and 10 bucks and megan got me a metallica patch and a kitty on a skull patch. :) lol, so yeh…the other day I was going into the shower and I noticed that my cat had left red marks on my shoulder/arm when she jumped off of me (she has this thing about sitting on your shoulder) and I was like…hm…I could enhance those….and I did! I went over the three and added a few more, one of them looks like its kinda deep, but I dunno, could just be the way it scabbed, but oh well. I like this line from a song: “hold me whatever lies beyond this morning, is a little later on, regardless of warnings the future doesn’t scare me at all” idk im weird like that, just put in random things… so yeh yesterday me megan Amanda n travis went to the mall, and it was alrite…did a lil xmas shopping, me n Amanda went halves on megans present and I got a lil thing for Amanda but im gonna get her something else too, I feel bad goin halves on presents, but im poor, and I cant use all my bday money for xmas presents, I need clothes bad lol. Idk im having my family party on Sunday and my mom is giving me 140 on Thursday, so I may just go on Friday and go the next Friday when my aunties give me my gift certificates which I could use on my friends….*ponders* oh well im so confused too….im so sick of being single, and I really like randall, but me n steve still flirt, and im getting mixed feelings from him….idk if hes just not wanting a relationship, or if hes just doin it fer the hell of it….idk I got a hug from him today, he was like I didn’t get to say happy bday so I gave him a hug cuz I mad him sad (cuz I had to go in the opposite direction in the hall) and he said happy bday and I said thanx and I went to my class, and after skool kyle gave me another hug and was like really loud happy birthday Emily! And randall comes up from behind me and gave me a hug *I almost died I was like omg! Randall-ness!* and then b4 he left I gave him another hug *I called him n kyle asses for shouting its Emily rau’s birthday!* so yeh…today was kinda ok. so um….yeah….im outta things to say. |
| 7:39p | Suicidal tendancies come to me like fish go to water Well,today I found out my best friend has started cutting again, she has a lot of cuts on her tummy, and on her ankle like I do, and she also told me that shes was thinking about attempting to attempt suicide( if that made any sense) and yeah It makes me feel liek illing myself for not knowing and not being able to help her. She wont talk to me and neither will adam its crazy. and then my mom still is being a dickface and doesnt believe I have a probelm and it sucks Im ean its stupid I know but It makes me that angry that I wish I were dead, Im failing spanish, in danger of failing liek all my other classes, its just not fair. Everytime im semi happy or getting that wya peoiple keep bringing me down or things keep bringing me down. I jsut wanan cut it all away ya know, I dont wanan feel this way I wanan feel better I wanna cut really bad. I just wish all of this would end. I wish I coudl just cut deep enough, I wish I could take enough pills I wish I had enough pills for that matter. gad I hate this feeling of wanting to die....I wish I would..... |
| 9:20p | what is this life for.. i really dont know anymore.. so im sitting here and nothings happening. such a boring life i live. went to school today and dealt with the same people.. the same fakes. i groaned throughout the whole day mumbling "i fucking hate this school". idk ever since ive entered the 11th grade, its been hell. i cant keep in touch with my homework while trying to send pain to myself at the same time. than trying to take time out with the boyfriend.. trying to do something right.. trying to make it last so it'll give me a reason to wake up in the morning. he compliments me so much. he thinks im beautiful. he thinks im sweet. he thinks im an angel. he knows my addictions. i guess he's learned to look past them though hes mad at me for doing them. im a bad person.. i lied to him. he thinks i stopped meanwhile last night i cut 'hurt' into my arm. i just dont want him knowing. he told me its easy to stop. but its not. and thats just something he doesnt understand. im still upset. im still down on life. hes helping me a bit.. but i cant fully recover. im a failure. i look back at my past and see through all the regrets and it hurts. and how will i know down the road that the life im living now wont be considered another regret in the future? im trying to act happy around him and the people that matter most to me. but i come home and just want to die. and the scary part is i can actually picture myself going through with suicide. i guess my selfishness has really outdone me this time. well im gunna shut up since you all know how it feels to feel the way i do. it just.. sucks. i hate this so much. cant sleep at night. cant stop being this big phony. how long can i make it out alive before i snap.... Current Mood: depressed |
| 10:41p | tell me something..... if you were a guidence counsalor and some random peroson left a note on your desk saying to talk to someone cause they need help what would you do? exacly. my friend did that a couple of weeks ago saying to talk to me and did she? no. has she? no. what if i were to kill myself? it would be blamed on her for not coming and talking to me. thats my theory. so now i'm scred to go to her knowing that she doesnt want to help anyone. that's what i'm getting out of this. ugh shes there to talk to right? so then why can't she come and see me? whatever i have to do homework. bye Current Mood:  angry |
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