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Monday, December 8th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 8:55a | ello hi everyone. im new. i dont cut, but i wanted to join anyways...im lauryn. talk to me. im bored. eee i want a friend Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: mercury rising *from autumn to ashes* |
| 3:28p | DON'T CUT I know this is a "club" where people share how and why they cut.But cutting is wrong.Talking is right.I used to cut.Only i did it once.It hurt outside,but inside it felt good.I thought that the pain would go away...well...i was completely wrong.Cutting only brought more pain to my life.To know that you are dangering your body and not even noticing it is juss horrible.People who are suicidal need help.They say they don't want it,when really they do.Well to anyone who is suicidal get help.Please...thanx! ~Paris Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: Pharrel Williams - Frontin' |
| 6:12p | so yea hey AHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO PISSE OFF. okay get this...my mom tells me when i got home today that the lady called from the counseling place and told us they made a mistake and our insurance doesnt cover their therapy. so of course i didnt go. I NEED TO GET BETTER, I NEED IT I NEED IT I NEED IT. im so lost and i need so much help. i need anxiety medicine, i need anti-depressants, i need ADD medication....ALLL THAT AND I CANT GET IT FOR ANOTHER FREAKIN 857987503722 WEEKS. URGH. so i dont know what to do i already cut twice. and while that calmed me down a bit im still KFHOWTU YURGH FRRRRRRRRRRUICK FI LFHAI4EOTYOI4WUTW RAWR. humph. i really am ganna be like this forever. no one wants to help me i guess. i might as well kill myself now. no FREAKIN POINT because im not getting ANY BETTER HERE. oh man i need to go becky Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: koRn, "did my time" |
| 6:46p | i got prescribed medication today, lexapro and syraquill. Ones for sleeping, and one is for my depression/bipolar disorders. Well this week has been a bad week, first off my mother went through my stuff and found 1) my suicide letters --- 2) an entry in my notebook about me smoking pot.. i hate her, she always goes through my stuff and wonders why we have shit for a relationship. I have already been hospitilized fucking once i dont need to go back there again. And i talked to my friend cindy and my Ex boyfriend ( we just broke up 2 days ago) told her a long time ago at homecoming that he wanted to break up with me but thought i would kill myself if he did. What the hell? He does not mean THAT much to me, im not IN love with him or anything. ya, i would be bummed but i wouldnt fucking kill myself over him. after all we've been through, after all the years Ive known him.. i guess you never know anyone.. i thought i knew him, but he turned out to be everything i thought he wasent. there all the same i guess, I'll never know if i truly know anyone anymore. Poeple can easily put up a front, a false attitude, i use to think i knew the difference. guess i really dont. Maybe I'm not even real, maybe im in a phych ward right now dreaming this whole thing up in my head. Maybe im lost inside my own mind, i dont know whats real and whats not anymore. Maybe this earth isnt real and im on mars or something dreaming this whole thing up. How do i know im not already dead? maybe this is hell. Well im done. <33 :: Kat :: Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: pure silence |
| 7:05p | sumtin sumtin OK! Here is somethin I wrote last night for Kyle...I told him if he could figure out my name on here he could read it.... The night I let my feelings out, the night I admitted to you and myself, that I was still in love with you as much as I could possibly be, turned out quite the opposite of what I imagined it to be. I had thought of this deep conversation, us talking about the times we spent together, the long phone conversations lasting until the early morning hours. But instead it turned out to be completely wrong. I didn't want to tell you in a fight especially not in a text. I didn't want to do it through a fight over the dumbest thing...another guy. I told you the truth, and you still got mad at me. I didn't have feelings for him and thats the truth. I wouldn't lie about that. But yet, I don't think you believed me. I've always trusted you, confided my deepest and darkest secrets in you, and I wanted the same from you. I told you, admitted to you, that my feelings of wanting you, needing you, and still loving you were as strong if not stronger than ever. I cried myself to sleep that night, couldn't even get out of bed the next day because all you said in return of my 'I love you' was OK, Bye. Did you not realize how bad that hurt me? How hard it was yo hand over the control of my emotions to you. Something I don't plan on doing again, just because of your simple answer of OK. That killed me inside. Brought back feelings I didn't want. Making me do things I didn't want to re-start. But once again somebody was leaving me when I needed them the most. Sure you said you were sorry and didn't know what you were thinking, but that doesn't make up for the hurt I felt. The longing of wanting you going higher because of the fact that I couldn't have you. And still you lead me on by the control over my emotions that I handed over to you that night. I'm scared to end anything between us because I don't know what we have or if I would ever be albe to get you back. I can't take that risk while you have control. Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: none |
| 7:40p | ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ko k ok ok! ugh! ok. I am so tired of being such a great friend and getting nothing in return. I mean. YEAH sure, seeing my friends happy and knowing I helped that is enough of a present back. BUT I'M TALKING about getting nothing back in the way that THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. I'm talking about my friensd not being good friends back to me. I'm talking about hwo I'm tired of NOT BEING LOVED IN RETURN! I'm talking about how I'm TIRED of being JUST THE SHOULDER TO CRY ON. and about how I'm NOTHING MORE than just a SHOULDER TO CRY ON. like once their finished, and once I've made them happy again THEY JUST LEAVE ME na ddon't care whether I'm SAD or anything! I'm TIRED of my "friends" ignoring me and my feelings, just cos I don't go around showing everyone my SCARS and CUTS like all those posuers who wrap their WHOLE ARMS in bandaged to SHOW OFF, just cos I DON'T do that, DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT DPERESSED OR CUTTING OR SUICIDAL OR IN MENTAL EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN! FUCK YOU Current Mood: depressed |
| 11:55p | i wrote this nov. 30 hold me this night is cold the shadows on my wall are keeping me awake let me cry to shed my pain and erase it from my head so i would never have to feel it again one more cut is all i'm asking for just let me spill my blood on the floor one last time before i break this chain i've been holding on to this gruge i've been stuck to i've been falling for so long untill you offered to save me. Current Mood:  blah |
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