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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:08a | Wow i just wrote a whole thing then i lost it, Wonderful! I haven't undated in a while. My computer is kinda broken. I am sad just like everyone esle around here. Its crazy all of a sudden everyones life sucks, its nuts. I just wanna cry thats it. I wish i had someone that would help me and just talk to me. And make me feel better. I hate bothering people wiht my problems i don;t think i am worth anything to have people jsut sit and listen to me. I am worthless and i hate myslef. But I still haven't cut myself in months. YAY me! But i don't kno how much longer i can make it. I mean i don't kno!!! I was playing wiht the razor today thinking about it. Welll i hope everyone is doing well? |
| 2:16a | i hate who i am i havent cut in what.. 11 12 days? i tried cutting last night. but it didnt work. it was about 2 in the morning and i was sitting in my room listening to 3 doors down and just cried. i ran this sharp object over my arm a few times but theres no scar or anything today. i don't know what's been going on with me latly. i've been thinking a lot about sucide. i don't even think it would hurt. i cant even explain it. like i want to kill myself so bad. just end everything. i'm not even scared of it anymore. i would do it. the only way i want to do it is with a gun. i dont know why but that's the only way i've been thinking about. except the only problem is i dont want ot hurt my family. so i guess i cant do it. i want help. so bad. not as much with cutting but with my eating. i was thinking about it today. i eat so much its sick. no wonder why i'm so fat... but i always stay the same weight. it gets gets me nauseas cuz i'm always feeling sick but yet i still eat.. its sicking. i hate it. i told my mom that i really need help and the only way i can get that help is if i'm sent away to some place where someone always has an eye on me so i can't eat. but everytime i bring it up she always says the samething. you jsut need to exucise. AHHHHHHHHHH. god i know that but thats my problem to... i'm so down with my eating problem that i don't feel like i deserve to be skinny and can't get on the tredmill.. i'm so depressed in my own way that i can't get up and just do it. i really need help. so bad. so i was thinking that the only way is to become ana or belimic. eveytime after i eat i want to throw up SO BAD you don't know. but i hold it back becasue i don't want my teeth to fall out of my mouth lol. i know it sounds funny but w/e. i could tell my mom i cut and get sent away but not eating is a lot easier and wont hurt her as bad. maybe i can be belimic... since i ahve the urge to throw up.. it wont be as hard. yet i dont want ot be stuck with this problem the rest of my life as i'm probably gonna be stuck with cutting. ahhh i dont know what to do. i tried talking to my mom about it but she doenst take it seriously. i need help. i want to cry just talking about it. i hate looking in the mirror. i hate how i am. i'm so lonly and want a boyfriend so bad.. but i cant get one.... that gets me down even more. what should i do guy? i'm so lost.. everytime i bring it up to my mom all she says is exicise but i can't... i need someone there to watch me eat... so i won't.. ahh i ahte it. comment please on ideas?....thanks. -amanda Current Mood:  depressed |
| 3:02p | watching South Park right now on DVD. fun. I dunno, I can't seem to get out of my depression. I hate my meds, tehy dont really help. I know that like most the people who talk about killing themselves, dont ever go through with it. And I guess in a way it's true. but then not again. I mnea, like I talk to Megan and all teh time about suicide and shit. But mostly I write about it in here. Anyways, thats not the point the thing is....I'm scared about Megan, I mean like I know she might not go through with it, but I'm scared for her. I love her so much --as a friend of course-- and I dont' want to loose her. I'm not gonna tell anyone and if any comments dont tell me that I need to tell someone. I mean, she's not really suicidal, she's just really depressed and like she heeps asking me to kill her. She's fully stopped cutting except for once last week. I just, don't know how to tell Megan I care and stuff. bleh. I hate this,. I don't know it;s hard to explain. |
| 6:51p | she's a gift to the gods and she's dancing... alright. i've been keeping this secret for about 2 years now... i just told alaina and kris. but i feel that i can tell you guys. when i was 12, i was at summer camp. and there were some cool guys there. one of them, by the name of michael schmidt (not THAT mike schmidt, this one lives in alabama) had a crush on me. he asked me out. reason i should have said no: he was 16. me, being the fucking idiot that i am, said yes. right away, the vicious cycle began. he started pressuring me the first day we were dating to have sex. i was fucking TWELVE. and so it went on and on, and he forced me into doing stuff with him. i hated it, i really did. but i did it anyway, i didn't know any better. friends at camp were asking me if everything was okay. no it was not okay. but i hid it. just like i have for these months. one night we were alone in a building. he grabbed my arms and pinned me against the wall with his body. he trapped me in the corner and tried to take my clothes off. i was so fucking scared. i started to yell but he hit me and i got all dizzy. he managed to get my pants down. i was so afraid. somehow i got free and ran all the way back to my dorm. i cried so long and so hard. and yet i didn't break up with him. i pretended like everything was okay. and at the end of camp i blocked his sn on my buddylist. well last summer i went to vassar college to visit my friends at camp. and guess who i saw. he came to my dad's fucking office to find me. i've been so worried that he'll find me. i cut over this today. brand new razor, i took the paper off and drove it into my wrist. cut through the skin. i could see a blue vein. went for it. cut it. i could feel a tingling sensation inside my palm and i knew i'd cut it. blood leaked out, gathered, and started flowing. it flowed for a long time. i thought i was going to die. my whole arm went numb. then i blacked out for a few seconds. i had called kris when i couldn't stop the bleeding. i blacked out on the phone and he freaked out. he was going to call the ambulance but i was okay. ohgod i was scared. i cried. afterwards, i was cleaning up and i noticed that a weird watery substance was coming out like blood. what the hell? and lastly, one of the seventy-three cuts i made over losing my virginity (2 weeks ago) keeps bleeding. so i stitched it myself. mmkthxbye. Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: Mission UK x Severina |
| 9:21p | * * * * * * I cut just a few minutes ago. I couldn't take this sht. My uncle was and is still drunk and probably high. So he began telling my mom and my other uncles that they were worthless pieces of shit. and he told my grandfather that he was a nobody. He told us all that when he left, he was going to have no family. That we meant nothing. So he basically ended up kiking us out. Tomorrow my dad isn't going to work, Im gona go to skool and as soon as I get back we're gona start packing and looking for a new place. Ive been crying so much, just thinking of all the bullshit he puts us through. He was arguing with my mom and turned to look at me and said "and this bitch can go to hell too". We were all going to go to a motel, but we're scared to leave my aunt with him, specially they're kids. I really hope that we do move, even if its a little apartment, I just want to be as far away from him as possible. So now at skool, I just hope I can concentrate, cus right now I cant, and I have a 6pg essay and another 3pg essay due on tues night. ::DarK:: * * * * * * Current Mood:  nostalgicCurrent Music: *Modern English - Sixteen Days* |
| 11:59p | after reading that girls entry.... everything came back to me.... last september... i had sex with this kid.. that's when my whole life changed. i stopped talking to people, i became depressed, hated myself. you would think why would i have sex if i'm fat... well he was desprate. you can tell. and for some reson i was scared to die before lossing my virginity lol don't ask... we barly talked. no actually we never talked. only on the internet. the worst part.. he lives in the city where my cousin lives and i snuck out of her house at 1:30 in the morning it was so fucking scred yet i went threw with it. we didn't kiss or nothing.. jsut did it for about ten mintues untill suspiciously the condom broke. i regret it. i regret that night so much. i would have never done it. i wasn't even ready. i wish i was still a virgin.. but then again i think of myself as one. i mean nothing happend. it lasted all of ten mintues. it was so pathetic so i hate myself even more that nothing came out it. not that i wanted to get pregnat.. but you know what i mean. god i hate him to. he got mad at me after that because i told someone and the stupid bitch she is.. she imed him and asked him. i trusted her. so now i can't trust anyone anymore. i'm so scared of telling someone something like that now. he asked me if we could do it again but i turned him down... till this day i still havent talked to him. i did run into him like 2 months ago. i was so scared. i was with my cousin in the city and we were standing on the cornor waiting for someone and this kid comes out of no where and kisses my cousin on the cheek. i had no idea who it was. when he left i asked who it was and shes like "thats andrew" i was like "oh." he made me feel like such a worthless peice of shit. he didn't say shit to me. he did look at me once. that's it. and to top it off... he was REALLY hot. lol that's why i didnt reconize him. and you would think i would never have gone with him becasue hes not really my type but at the time i thought he was cute. he was that gangster but not really type. but when i saw him just picture a tall italian guy, black spiked hair, black wife beather n shirts.... whoa. then i was shocked that i went with a hot ass italian guy. wuts the chance of me getting a hot italian guy? zero to none. but i still hate it and regret it. oh well. thanks for listening. -manda Current Mood:  predatory |
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