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Saturday, December 6th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 2:11p | *How diD I Let you TemPt mE Once AgaiN?* ********** I cut this morning. I cut over 5 scars I had on my arm from about 6 months ago. I cut because they were just noticable. I cut cus I kinda missed the way they looked way back then. ********** Last Tuesday I broke down about half an hour before my 7pm history 102H class. Why? Cus I was stressed and I didnt finish the essay that was due that night. I only finished 6 of the 7 essays. So there I was in the middle of campus, sitting in a bench. Good thing it was dark and not many people were outside cus of the cold weather. I was just sitting there and I took out my compact with my razor and cut my wrist about 5 times. Then I called one of my friends, he knows about my cutting. We talked for a while and I calmed a bit down. But I didnt go to class, I didnt feel like it. So I called my mom and told her class was gona end at 8:30pm instead of the usual 10pm. So I just hung around with another friend untill my mom piked me up. ********** I have 2 more weeks left of this semester and I know I did bad in my classes. Im scared to know what my final grades are going to be, so Im extremely anxious and stressed and the cravings are getting to me. I dont know... I feel like I did before, I feel so out of control. I hadn't felt like this in quite a while. Everything seems so "heavy". It all seems to be against me.. like its trying to keep me down. Its not the best feeling, but I feel so attatch to it. Im just crazed out right now. ********** ::DarK:: ********** Current Mood:  uncomfortableCurrent Music: **D.D. - Survive** |
| 4:16p | hey guys, i just wanted to say something to adress you really quickly. midterms are coming up for me really soon so i am going to be wicked busy. also, my parents are dragging me out of state for the holidays. i wanted to say that just about as soon as i get back from the trip i am leaving. i do not know how long i will be gone, probobly about four weeks. i am pretty sure that i will be in a shelter where they will have internet access but i am not sure. my e-mail adress, for those of you that don't know it, is wings_icedragon@hotmail.com. feel free to write me whenever you want to for any help, advice, or just a friend. i am scared, so very scared, about leaving, but i know that it is the right thing to do. thanks guys. j |
| 4:18p | wrap my fingers around your neck, ladeda big fight with mommy dearest... apparently "i need another dose of zoloft" because i played a fucking wrong note in a rehearsal of some stupid piece she's forcing me to play at her tarty church. ooh ooh and apparently also the reason i cut is because mumsy tells me to do my homework. this was all accompanied by various punches and kicks, etc. i am bruised. and my arm is swelling up. Fun. aw how sweet now she's sobbing audibly in the bathroom. oh mommie are you sorry? that's too fucking bad. look what you did to me. thank you. Current Mood:  irateCurrent Music: Jack Off Jill x Choke You |
| 5:11p | Ashley's Rant. I want to die. I want to slice open the biggest vein I can find and watch the pretty blood pour out.. This is starting to sound like yesterday. Every day is the same. Do I have a reason to cut? No. I just want to watch it, see it, feel it. But I dont. I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I want to listen to Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" but I dont have their CD or anything. It's pissing me off. I want everything to be fine, but its not. I want someone to love me, besides the people that are supposed to. {even though some dont} I want to be happier. But do I want that? Do I really want to become a bubble head? I'm over-analyzing everything. I'm sorry to who ever {or is it whom?} is reading this. It really helped. -ashley Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: The TV is on.. |
| 7:09p | fuck. i had the scariest fright. i was looking for duct tape in my garage. and. i found. a box. of. FIFTY razors. oh god oh god oh god Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: Mindless Self Indulgence x London Bridge |
| 9:17p | my scars look really nice. their this purplish color and the scabs are all gone. this cutting was done monday night. but they stand out a lot and I'm tired of wearing long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. my mom '--whose sitting behind me-- just goes "are you writing in your deadjournal?" omg what a fucking bitch. I'm so glad I changed to a blurty...in a way. Friday night sucked. I'm so lonely. I found 3 knives hidden in my room today when I was looking for my From Autumn to Ashes CD. Scott's gonna give me some Ambrean --sp?-- on tuesday. I dunno if I should do it. I mean, after monday and how bad that all turned out after the high was gone....eh. but then I was so happy. |
| 9:32p | this is emily, i was also known as forgottenchild until some lovely ex friends of mine decided to break into my email accounts, and change my secret question answers so i couldn't get back in them, and then they got the password to my journal and deleted it. *high sarcasm* i cryed alot....they took away all of my memories....all the ones with damon....now i cant go back and read about the things i may have forgotten....thats what hurts the most....the loss of the memories with damon...or of him....idk.... so yeh its the first snow of the winter! me travis and amanda got stuck at megans house last nite and we all had a giant orgy!!! lol, we all spent the nite at megans and it was fun, we ordered chinese food...cuz we tryed to go out cuz we were gonna go to the mall n pick up megans paycheck and travis was gonna get gas, but we got half way around the block and travis's breaks weren't working too good so we decided for our saftey to go back to megans...we saw this truck that looked like it hit a telephone pole it had a nice big dent in it...it was sliding on the road...kinda scary... so we ordered chinese food and megan and her brother went to get it and we all sat around when they got back and watched pirate of the carabian *drools..johnny depp is soooooooo hot!* and ate food, and me n megan figured out how to file a complant on yahoo about amanda b. saying she took over my emails pretty much....*gets pissed* oh well....lol megan was sleeping on one couch and amanda was sleeping on the other and me n travis were sleeping on the floor and we kept getting into arguments cuz he kept crossing the sleeping bag line! grrr! lol so this morning we woke up around 830 and were all like ugh...so...early! and around 9 her daddy was like you guys want bacon n eggs? and were like hell yes food! lol travis was beating me up cuz i was making fun of him....*makes trekkie sign* lol hehehehehehe so yeh, then we went to travis's house to try and get games and clothes for travis cuz were all spending the nite at amandas tonite!!! wee! i like sleep overs! lol so yeh, it was sooo slippery out, we were goin like 25 miles n hr on the high way and i got scared when this truck thing passed us i was like don't spin out in front of us! n pretty much we got stuck at travis's cuz he wasnt gonna go back out and drive us back to naugatuck *he lives in oxford* so amanda called her parents and i was flipping out cuz i had to be home by one and i was crying *im very emotional this weekend....prolly cuz of my period...* and yeh, to make a long story short, i got home at like 130 and now im sleeping over amandas house w/ megan and travis! wee! lol, this time i have clothes and i dont have to wear the same ones for 2 days! lol. so yeh, i think im done.....i haven't cut all day even though i really really really really really wanted too....im proud of me...the temptation is still there but im at some one elses house and im gonna try not to cut. *sighs* good luck to me...i haven't cut in like.....almost 2 weeks? idk oh yeh one last thing! my birthday is in 3 days!!!!!!! woot woot! tuesday! the big one six! 16...wow....sixteen...thats along time sixteen years...idk im odd. |
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