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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 6:02a | hey. i'm new here and i thought i'd introduce myself. i'm ashley. i'm 16. i've been cutting for 2 years now. i started in 8th grade. i don't even remember why i started, i don't remember how i knew to start. the last time i cut was on tuesday. my mom has stolen all my razors from me, so i've stolen one from a friend's house so i don't go crazy. |
| 9:10a | ...won't leave until you die. murder for the vengeance... hello... i haven't cut really, i have no more razors left and i'm going crazy. so i'm looking for other forms of self-abuse. i overdosed on benadryl really, really badly 2 days ago. it make me very sick and so i stayed home from school yesterday and today. i don't know what else to do. i feel so trapped inside my body and i can't bleed my pain out. my best friend doesn't want to talk to me again due to something i did. i said something horribly mean and petty about him that i'd heard to my boyfriend and his friends. to make a long story short, he found out and now wishes to never speak to me again. which makes me realize my friends supply is just about exhausted. i have about....none. a few friends. no one that i can just call up and talk to for hours. and yeah, this i guess is pretty teenage, albeit i'm sure i'm not the only one. also, friends are disbanning me due to my recent abuse of coricidin, cough syrup, benadryl, ibuprofen (well not as much, it makes my nose bleed), and other OTC pills. everyone i know goes away in the end. Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: Avenged Sevenfold x Chapter Four |
| 9:18a | i bought a gun the other day from sako! another thing- last night i had a dream that scared the SHIT out of me. for some reason, i was so sick of fucking things up (haha what's new) and i was in the car with kris. he was driving. *snort* so anyways i had a gun. and i wasn't even counting on doing it. i hadn't even written a note or anything. but i put the gun up and shot myself in the head. in front of kris. definitely blew my fucking head off. it was the weirdest ever feeling. because suddenly i was floating in the stars and moon and ladeda pretty but i could hear kris and my "friends" screaming and sobbing hysterically. oh god it was scary because i regretted it. and then i became reincarnated as some other chick and somehow i was myself and my age and everything again but for some reason, i wasn't me? idk it was very very strange. but i sat in the car where i had blown my skull apart and my mom was in the driver's seat and i was looking around and i said out loud "well it wasn't that gory, i suppose." and touched a red stain. suddenly i realized that there was blood everywhere in the car and i was so confused and frightened and then i saw the gun again and everyone started to cry again and then it got so loud and scary and disturbing and then i woke up. for chrissakes, does anyone do dream interpretation? cos what in the HELL was that all about?! xjulie Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: System Of A Down x Sugar |
| 4:30p | for some reason or another none of my three emails work so im going to make a new one...like my password dunnit work and my secret question answer doesn't work and its really pissing me off. *sizzle* eep, travis is threatening to kill me lol. i was making fun of him cuz he likes star trek (no offence if anyone does, it was funny) and he was slapping my legs *owwy* and hes beating up amanda too *meany* lol megan is here too (were all at amanda's house) so yeh....idk, ill postin a few when i make a new email. |
| 5:48p | woah well.. hmm. havent updated in a while.. my comp. crashed and i spent forevr getting it to work last nite.. i guess its god its fixxed.. i feel liek crap.. life has changed.. not for the worse.. not for the ebst. i think ryans avoiding me/lo/maygin.. but i dunno.. maybe im just imagining.. or being paranoid.. i dunno.. i dunno what i did that would make him aviod me.. *sigh* but it sucks cos hes good company.. and i feel liek i fucked up majorly. ; \ so... um... havent cut in a while.. just tripped and stuff.. makes me feel better for say .. 1.2 secinds.. fuck that.. its addicting tho.. o darn.. Secret[noun]-1. Something kept hidden from others or known only to oneself or to a few. 2. Something that remains beyond understanding or explanation; a mystery. Current Mood:  confused |
| 6:23p | so i cut again last night. i was doing so good. what, did i go like a couple weeks? thats like awesome for me but then shane and hunter shit got to me and i went crazy. i almost slashed my whole arm. i felt like i should just cut the whole thing. in a distorted way i thought of that as pretty. o0o yeah, i cut my stomach too. my damn w/e u would call it for hunter...love, it cant be..can it? well whatever the hell it is, its driving me crazy not knowing exactly how he feels. yeah if he tells me he doesnt like me ill flip out and probably really hurt myself, but at least id know instead of wondering.... Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: drown-3 days grace |
| 7:57p | yeah, that whole friends things happened again. I mean, why does this always happen to me? I mean, I'm always the one getting hurt. Is it that obvious that I'm so vulnerable?! I mean, I'm such a great friend to people, yeah thats obnoxious I know, but to my friends I care alot about I treat them so great and then I find something out that's not cool, like that they have talked shit about me, or like I can just tell that they don't like me much or something..I dunno but like bleh! I'm not an annoying friend or anything, I'm a great friend. And I can tell that some of my friends, not naming them, are now acting different around me and she's really bothering me how she's acting so diferent. it's like she doens't want to be my friend again. So today Mr. Strom went to hand me a piece of paper that he graded that was mine. And I reached with it with my left hand and my sleeve shirt went up some and I know he saw my fresh cuts....so after class he asked me if everything was alright. And then he really ooked at me and he looked right below my right eye, wich was right at my bruise which is now turning a litle purple. great. I hope he doesn't like say anything to my administrator or something. I would cry. I fucking hate this. |
| 10:53p | weird. in school today i was thinking about my story i've been writing. and i was thinking about the part i'm up to where hes seeing a theripist and she askes how he keeps cutting off his mind. and i started writing but it turned out diffrent when i realized the 5 months part. becasue i stoped for about 5 months over the summer. so it kind of switched on me. it's now jsut something i wrote. its not going in it. this is the oringinal part i have in my story. (hes talking about me) ---------------------------------------- "How have you been keeping cutting off your mind?" Thetheripist asked me. "I don't know. I just have." She gave me one of those looks. "This girl." I spoke. "A girl." She repeated. "Yeah. Well it was kind of her fault I started in the first place. Not to blame her but when she acted like she didn't know me that's when I started. And ever since she showed up at my door one day I haven't cut as much. Now that she found out she hasn't been talking to me. I ran into her today and she still didn't want to talk. It's been fucking 2 weeks already." ---------------------------------------- and this is what i came up with in school. ---------------------------------------- "How have you been keeping cutting off your mind?" "This girl." "A girl?" "Yes a girl." "what about this girl?" "This girl who got me started on my bad habit. This girl who left me and came back five months later. This girl who helped me lighten up on it a little. This one girl who's mad at me for doing it. This girl who isn't sure why I hurt myself. This girl who makes me feel better everytime I'm with her." "Who is this girl?" "This girl is me." ---------------------------------------- yeah so that's it. it turned out pretty weird. it scared me when i red threw it and relized at the 5 mnonths part it was me so i changed a few things and added the ending. i like it. i want to change a few things to make it look better but that's my 1st copy that i wrote off the top of my head without thinking or reading threw. anyway i'm sick.. off to bed. <3 manda Current Mood: sickCurrent Music: tv- ER |
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