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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:22a | aye last night i couldnt sleep i got up about 12 and stood in my kitchen and played with wax. watched t.v till about 1 and still couldn't fal lasleep. i had to work tonight and i acidently sliced my finger with a knife... it hurt when it happened but right after it was cool the blood was gushing but it sucked cuz i had to wash dishes and it wouldnt stop bleeding so i had to ducktape my hand lol.. it worked tho.. great time to cut yourself :) (joking)... i havent cut since that one thursday when i fought with my dad. the cuts are now faded scares... i need to cut cuz i miss having something to look at and feel when i'm bored. i played with bleach today... i took a black shirt and wrote Anadivine on it (band) and i think i got some bleach in my mouth.. opps.. well time to go to bed.. hopefully ican slep tonight -manda Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: |
| 5:59a | Why do I cry over stupid shit? Yes I cried this morning, its 5:48 in the morning and I just got done crying since 4:30 why did I cry? [x]I lost count, when counting my scars all over, I lost count at 89 [x]Looking at the deep ones all over my arms, seeing the indent and the torn tissue started me crying [x]no one understanding me [x]My stupid grades [x]my stupid life for that matter [x]Not being loved [x] not being able to run to my mom and ask her for help, or to talkto her about this [x]my councelor at school not being able to really look at me sumtimes during our convo [x] everything....guys, friends, mom,school....thel ist is endless Yes. Crying sucks. I actually wish Adam could have been here, or chris, I can talk to them about anything and I know they would be here for me, well at least I think i kno they would, to hold me when I cry. I dont know why I did it either it was just like I felt like I wanted to die, looking at the crisscrosses n lines up and down and accross my wrist, my arms with gashes and ripped skin, it really made me wanna die. its gonna be there FOREVER and then I thought about my mom and the councelor yesturday in school, he wouldnt look me in the eye all the time, Even when he was talking to me, maybe he didnt want to be rude and make me think he was starring at me, btu I make eye contact all the time I feel its important but w.e I guess im making a big deal of nothing. Its been awhile since Ive wrote n cut actually. I havent recently done any. ive just been going through the faze of crying like mad hell at my scars, has n e one ever done this? GRRRRR I just feel like crud, the councelor told me to calmly talk to my mo mand shwo her that im serious, I will i guess one day but its hard ya know, How am I gonan calmly talk to her when shes talking me that Im cutting to be cool and just for a trend type thing when im NOT!!!!!!!!!!! god why doesnt she get it that hurts me the most! ok guys well Ive done enough of wasting your time if anyone even read this. Bye guys stay safe! xOx_Carrie |
| 7:57a | ive had a busy weekend lol friday-went to the mall w/ amanda travis n megan n travis's friend shawn (sean?), saw ppl, i got mad and punched a car seat and skinned my ring finger >.< but oh well huh? sat-slept over amandas house and went to the mall w/ amanda megan n travis and had fun, we went out looking for food at like 1215 in the morning and eventually went to cumbys and got food, went back to megans and watched a movie, and got back home at amandas at 3 in the morning....it was cool. sunday-was over amandas, randall n mike came over, kyle couldn't cuz he was sick and he was gonna hang out w/ amber cuz she's sick too...i thought that was kinda cute, there both sick lol, (feel better!) yesterday-nothing all day pretty much, travis called me and i argueed w/ my parents and they let me hang out w/ him after i ate dinner so i got to go over his house! lol i like his room, so many action figures/models there cool! and we talked alot, then he drove me home, we almost ran over a fox (it was so cute!) and i showed him this awful house covered in lights, oh man its horrible! lol then we sat out side my house til i had to go in >.< stupid curfew...oh well, i had fun ^.^ i like hanging out w/ travis. hes a good guy to talk to. and yeh, i have a 2 hr. delay today!!!! ^.^ wee!! so yeh, dan is sending me an email which i have no idea wut it is so im gonna go check it out...ill ttyl! |
| 11:03a | worth-less is i x.X *sigh* Im in school riight now and the fukiin enter key on the key board is nah working and its pissin me off...o-wellz Anywayz...eh i feel like im a worth-less person...idk i juzt feel like therr is really no point for me 2 be herr. I juzt feel like i am a badd person and i am juzt talking up space...i wonder what its like to not be depressed...ti actually look in the mirror and like what you see...to not be HUGE...juzt idk to like something about yourself...cuz i hate everything about miii self...i mean i like mii eyes...buh wow eyes...thatz a big thing. I wish peoople did nah judge so much on looks...ya kno? i miiself think its really fucked up.. =*[ I was thinking about something that happened to me a while ago...i USED to like this guy...idk why cuz he is like my best friend...and mii other friend like him be4 me and he would nah go out wiith her cuz idk he was 2 go of friends and kinda did nah like the way she acted...riight n i wanted 2 go out with him 2 (why i dont kno) buh im juzt like her so why bother....buh them mii other friend who is juzt like me and mii other friend...he goes out wiith her...and by doing all that it has fucked up the friendshipp between us 3...its really gay. Im juzt so tiired of the fuckin world and how people are...i hate it. i hate mii-self and i hate 905 of the people in the world...im juzt glad therr are SOME good people out therr that can look beyond looks and see a person for who they realy are...yea kno wa mean? -maygin- Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: people talking x.X |
| 3:35p | I want to cut I want to cut SO bad I want to drag the razor accross my skin and I promise im not doing it to be "IN" I want to watch the blood bubble and chase the blade I want to feel the little sting when the razor cuts in I wanna feel relieved I wanna feel safe I wanna feel happy UGHHH THE URGE IS SOOOO HARD TO FIGHT, IM ALL HEALED AND I NEED TO CUT! HELP! |
| 3:41p | Last night sucked so bad... I dont know if anyone has seen that good charlotte video for " hold on ". Well i saw it last night, and its these people that have lost loved ones to suicide, or have survived suicide... and it just made me wanna commit suicide SO bad... so bad that i started writing letters to me friends and boyfriend... telling them i love them and stuff they can have of mine. lol. But i just ended up smoking pot and passing out.. I need more pot. But i really wanted to commit suicide so fucking bad. I just laid there for a while considering and watching the smoke ffom my inscence twirling towards the ceiling. And i was listinging to my trusty azure ray cd. Welp thats it i guess. I havent cut in a week, it feels like a lifetime. Well I heart you guys. - Love me Kat. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: from autumn to ashes - chloroform perfume |
| 4:31p | chillin over amandas house n megan is here and amanda megan n jake r talking bout old cartoons lol. talkin to dez rite now...:( dan sent me an early bday e-card this morning, thats wut he sent me it was cute it was a kitty n a fishy lol i was talkin to kyle online b4...he was fighting w/ his parents....then he left so i hope he'll be ok... so yeh...idk. um.....oh yeh hehehe in construction me john and jon r 'making' this drawer thing for the band teacher and so jon had to go to his locker so john was like fuck it were all goin (and mr. condit kinda makes me go so they don't do that (lol im such a good person to go w/ them huh? lol)) so we go to his locker then we go to the band room and actually measure out the area thingy and blah, we were like um...feel like going back? n we were like nah....n i said i had to go to rotc so we went there and i used the phone, then we walked around on the first floor of judd and then through goodyear, then we went to johns locker in castle to get his coat, and john was like so were you wanna go now? n im like well theres only 5 minutes left so we should go back to class and so we did and we were like hahaha, we spent 25 minutes (2 hr delay, shortened classes!) on a 5 minute job! lol. so yeh, idk im gonna go now so ill ttyl! |
| 5:20p | (#W.h.Y#] This morning I woke up with "WHY" carved into my hip...I don't remember doing that last night...and it is really starting to freak me out. It's perfectly written...and it's upside down and I can't write upside down...Heather even said I couldn't have done that. WHat is going on? How did this happen? I would have felt it if I did it in my sleep...I found a screw driver and my bottle of hairspray by my bed this morning...with a kleenex that was bloody...I am so confused... Has this happened to anyone else? Or am I just going insane? Please help me if you can...I'm scared...I don't know what to do or what to think...it's driving me mad. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: nirvana--rape me |
| 11:31p | hey well that girl that slit her wrists was in school today.... she had her sleeves rolled up like it was nothing. she had bandaids on both of them. i was getting scared for her. i dont know why but i was. i said hi to her and bye to her today. hey its a start. its hard to get someone to be your friend if they dont really like you. she showed my other friend what she did. .. no one else knew where she was besides me. weird. i'm doing good with not cutting. but i'm missing scabs :( i've been writing this story for the longest time and only my one friend reads it cause she writes one to. and i have this character in there who cuts himself really bad. and i'm the one who's all mad at him becasue he does that to himself. weird i guess. and now i'm up to the point in my story (chapter 10) where hes sitting in "rehab" trying to get better. i wrote another story once.. last year... where i was the one who cut really bad and was on drugs. i ended that one with a happy ending of course and i plan the same for this one. i started these storys when i was really into Good Charlotte so there in my old story and the one i'm working on now. lol don't hate. i guess in a way it helps me by making a habit into a whole story. i guess that's why i try and keep the same characters but switch the problems around and create a diffrent plot. well i'm going off to write more. luv always, manda Current Mood:  weird |
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