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Sunday, November 30th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:03a | Wednesday night I just couldn't handle it. I knew since 6 o'clock that that night I would go home and cut myself. I don't know why I put myself through the pain of being near Nikita for the whole night. I seriously can not handle that. I mean, how do you act when someone who you used to be kinda close friends with hates you and hasn't spoken to you or really looked at you for almost a month but after school, weekends, and dinners you hang with them in the same social group? It's just really fucked up. And I know Ed tries to help but that doesn't stop me from getting annoyed with him. I remember one day... Ed: Jo, whats wrong? Me: nothing Ed: no, seriously whats wrong Me: you wouldn't understan Ed: how do you expect people to get close to you if you don't tell them anything Me: I don't trust people, and I know what would happen if I did and I don't want to hurt anymore Ed: you need to take chances and trust just when we had that converstion it really pissed me off. But so even though I tried talking to Megan and even though she tried talking me out of not cutting as well, I knew I was going to once I got home. And when I started crying when we were out, I knew it was going to be deep. So, yes, when I got home, I took a knife up to my room and started cutting aroudn 1 in the morning, and I did my usualyl ruitine, which is spraying hair spray on it afterwards to feel the extra burn/sting sensation. I'm worried about Megan though, she's going through alot of emotional shit. I want to be loved in return for once. yeah, I know different subjects and all, but, god I need it. I'm tired of being such a great friend to people and having them treat me like shit. I'm so fucking tired of it and I'm about to kill part of me....maybe I'll kill my emotions so I wont feel anymore, I wish I could. Current Mood:  depressed |
| 2:43p | (H.E.Y)--I'm the new girl++ I'm new in here and I thought I'd join because I have a difficult time not cutting myself...my dad knows because my sister told him...and now he is checking my arms almost every day...so I have begun to cut more in places covered up by my clothes...like my hips...my ankles...my thighs...and stomach...I don't know how to stop...I've been reading the journals in here...and it help me to know that I am not the only one. But that doesn't even seem to help. Current Mood: numb |
| 7:48p | well... i didnt finsih posting last night.. and if you would all like to know why i shall tell you.. cos personally i just feel like it. lol. one of my really close friends told me he liked me.. in that way.. so yea.. thats it. not a big deal really.. anyways.. i dont feel like sitting around on my ass for the rest of my life.. i have decided what i want to do.. well im pretty sure.. no maygin im not opening Kaylas KickAss DIner.. but i want to be a physciotrist... i know i spelt that wrong but whatever.. i dont care and i really dont think many of you do either.. if you have read my post on my blurty.. then you'll already knwo what im about to say.. i want to be a surviver. not a victim. i want to get somehting good from this.. something.. i want to be able to salvage somehting from this hell. i want to be able to help people from this.. especiall ykids my age. when i 'grow up' i dont want people to be scared of going to guidace or doing whatever it is to get help. i want to change that. i want to be able to say.. i USED to cut.. and i used to hurt myself, and think poorly of myself, and want to die.. i want it to BE IN THE PAST. I want to come onto this community 20 years from now.. and say "im an x-cutter." (if it happens to exsist then.. hopefully it will .. cos its rather helpful) i want to be able to not only give advice.. but follow it too.. i want to be there.. be here.. be alive. i dont want my life to go downt he drain. im convinved now that i WILL make a difference in peoples lives... maybe not now, and maybe not so very soon.. but i will.. and thats what i WANT to do. i need for this thing to go away.. and i hope that my kids.. will never have to go through this like i am now. i hope there is never a point in their life where they want to die, where they burn, or cut, or bang, or any of that. i hope they never cry themselves to sleep at night.. and i hope they never dread facing people or fear getting up. i hope they live a VERY different life then mine.. i can hope and strive for that. i need to make a difference. ; \ i dont knwo what else to say right now.. x.kayla.x Current Mood:  creativeCurrent Music: mario carts vidio game |
| 7:48p | well... i didnt finsih posting last night.. and if you would all like to know why i shall tell you.. cos personally i just feel like it. lol. one of my really close friends told me he liked me.. in that way.. so yea.. thats it. not a big deal really.. anyways.. i dont feel like sitting around on my ass for the rest of my life.. i have decided what i want to do.. well im pretty sure.. no maygin im not opening Kaylas KickAss DIner.. but i want to be a physciotrist... i know i spelt that wrong but whatever.. i dont care and i really dont think many of you do either.. if you have read my post on my blurty.. then you'll already knwo what im about to say.. i want to be a surviver. not a victim. i want to get somehting good from this.. something.. i want to be able to salvage somehting from this hell. i want to be able to help people from this.. especiall ykids my age. when i 'grow up' i dont want people to be scared of going to guidace or doing whatever it is to get help. i want to change that. i want to be able to say.. i USED to cut.. and i used to hurt myself, and think poorly of myself, and want to die.. i want it to BE IN THE PAST. I want to come onto this community 20 years from now.. and say "im an x-cutter." (if it happens to exsist then.. hopefully it will .. cos its rather helpful) i want to be able to not only give advice.. but follow it too.. i want to be there.. be here.. be alive. i dont want my life to go downt he drain. im convinved now that i WILL make a difference in peoples lives... maybe not now, and maybe not so very soon.. but i will.. and thats what i WANT to do. i need for this thing to go away.. and i hope that my kids.. will never have to go through this like i am now. i hope there is never a point in their life where they want to die, where they burn, or cut, or bang, or any of that. i hope they never cry themselves to sleep at night.. and i hope they never dread facing people or fear getting up. i hope they live a VERY different life then mine.. i can hope and strive for that. i need to make a difference. ; \ i dont knwo what else to say right now.. x.kayla.x Current Mood: creativeCurrent Music: mario carts vidio game |
| 8:58p | wow its been awhile... Heres an update.... Havent cut for a while... Im sick... I wish I were dead See Im GREAT :D not... Uhmmm......Yes I havent cut in a while Idk im just kinda iffy right now, i feel happy, btu I know im not, And everyone around me is down right now, thats what sucks, Oh and right now im fighting off sleeping due to nyquil, funness! lol jk, its makeing my run into thigns n stumble lol I feel fucked up but w.e I was staring at my shot glass with the razors in it today...Idk if I was thinkign about cutting, throwing them away or what, btu I was just liek staring at them...it was strange...I was just in thought, about what idk... Maybe it was the meds.... then there is adam, me likey him a lot yet idk its hard! GRRR if he told me to stop cutting I woudl so try really hard, I really would, But idk...Hes sooo ughhh I like it! he makes me feel spechail, like ya knwo I dont need to cut, I cousl just be with him, even though I cant....He makes me feel half way normal! |
| 9:46p | starfuckers Its weird, I was reading an entry and the person talked about sparying hairspray into their cuts. and I'm like "whoa I used to do that" I loved the way it burned and gave me an extra shot of pain. B/c sometimes cuting wasnt all that painful for me. This is weird, I'm talking like I'm an ex-cutter. Even though the last time I cutted it was about 4 weeks ago. I'm trying to stop for good...but Jeus christ, its hard. I get by, by doing things like peircing my own ears and other body parts. That beats cutting pain anyday It hurts like hell I' say try it Because it doesnt bleed its not messy it hurts like hell and you get a pretty peircing afterwards Yeah, and I advize you to steralize everything Or moshing thatsgood as cutting I'm goin to see anti-flag on January I cant wait I love moshing getting bruised up and beat up its an awsome way to get rid of excess energy and anger I love nine inch nails I forgot how pretty they were much love. *tips* Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: nin |
| 10:21p | omg, I hate how I can't control my feelings! I just want to be able to stop crying. I hate how no mater how hard I try I keep stashing razors and knives in my room. It' just I don't know what there is to look forward to anymore. I mean, with Mik I kept looking forward to see him everyday. But now I could care less about him, I mean you just don't treat someone like that. And Megan and I talked today about how we both cut ourselves this week, and it was nice to know that she's there for me and everything. But she was like "if anyone asks you when I did this say I did it a long time ago" and it made me think, yeah I know not a good idea. But like, whenever I would try to talk about cutting to Laura or whenever she would see ym scars she would be like "your so gay for doing that" or say soemthign like that and make me feel so bad and ashamed. I mean, in a way, it's beautiful, the scars I have. Some, remind me of how sometimes, rare times, I'll work out my shit. but, yes I do mostly get sad when I see them but you know. She pisses me off. And it also got me thinking about how many people care about Megan and how no one will care for me like that...I hate this |
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