!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

so
ive been thinkign alot.. today.. yesterday.. all last week.. and this week.. and just all the time.. thinking about my life.. and suprisingly not about cutting or any of that. mostly ive been thinking about love, and my past relationships and all that jazz.. and frnakly.. its not alot of fun. i dont just think about it for a second.. ohh no.. i go in depth.. i travle wayy into my brian.. into everything ive ever done.. and i think.. i analys it all.. and it really sucks.. so i thought about my longest relationship.. and how i fucked that up.. then i thought about my shortest relationship.. and how i fucked that up.. and how even if i do really like sumone.. i will most likely break up with them before they break up with me.. way before.. so I dont hurt.. but it does hurt.. and now is when im feeling it. ya knwo.. i HAVE been in love onec i think.. i think i was.. but i never told anyone.. i just kept it to myself.. cos saying "i lvoe you " to someone.. has always been a big deal kinda.. i just wanna be sure.. and what if i were to say it... and they were like "uhh.. wtf.. you suck" ya knwo.. that kinda thing.. but it just is sposed to MEAN something.. and why would i say it if i dont mean it so i never said it cos i didnt want to upset anyone and i didnt want to hurt myself... and then i realised.. i come from poughkeepsie, hyde park.. and theres not that many people.. and then i figure that im never guunna find sumone here.. that is right for me.. and it seems liek now, everyone is getting into a relationship they can trust. everyone has someone.. but me.. and it makes me feel liek there must be somehting IM lacking that everyone else has cos i dont have anyone.. and that im just kind of fading into the background and the shadows of everyone elses relationships.. and that I myself will never have one that i can trust. and it sucks ALOT... and i dont care what anyone says abotu how they knwo ti sucks.. cos you dont.. youre not in my head.. you dont knwo what its liek to BE ME.. and im not like.. buttassuglay.. i know that.. i think its my personality.. i think it just sucks.. i mean.. theres M"UST BE some FLAW that I have.. that everyone sees BUT ME.. that no one else ever has had to deal with.. and that im alone.. my best friend.. has "love" and ya knwo what.. shes lucky.. and i tell her that i want sumone. and that im lonely.. and she offers in return "i know kayla.. i know" but she DOESNT.. she really truely doesnt./ she htinks im trying to press erh inot believeing that love doesnt exsist.. and that is VERY untrue.. i just want sumone to be able to understand why im thinking about this.. i need to share this with someone.. but no one gets it.. and ya know.. ive neve had someone tell em they love me.. and that also makes me feel like shit.. its like.. im the love virgin.. everone else can embark on this so called great journey.. but kayla has to stay behind.. im not going anywhere.. my sail has holes in it.. my bout is sinking.. and i dont even have a sexy captain like johnny depp. im just lonely old kayla that no one loves.. and ya knwo.. i want to experiacne that before i DIE.. i mean.. im not going to force myself to lvoe sumone.. im not going to fall in 'love' in two day *cough, hack, sputter* i just want to nkwo what its liek.. to love someone.. to really have someone love me.. i reallie wanna know.. and im dying her with the emones of this shit.. but its true.. this will not leave my mind.. these thoughts and memories and everything are embeded in my soul, my mind, my every fucking single decision i make.. every move.. every encounter is like im trying to answer the call.. yet trying to have fun and be careffree and just go with it.. but i cant go on with 3 day flings for the rest fo my life.. i cant.. cos they hurt the most.. and i really would iek to nkwo what would've come of alot of my rlationships.. if they hadnt have ended.. like what WOULD have happend.. but I WILL NEVER KNOW.. i feel like im stuck in mud.. im ebing buried alive... ryan kinda opened my eyes the other day,.. he saud there msut be a reason for all meeting.. out of millions.. were here..together.. so what is that meaning.. why did i meet the people that i have.. is it for them to bring me down.. is it for them to make me suffer liek i am.. and why did i meet me.. i haev just come to terms with the fact that i have come face to face with me.. u dont have to uderstand what im saying.. btu i understand so its ohkay.. and i mean.. i dont know how i couldve effected these people.. these friends of mine.. thes aquantances im surrounded by.. how have i impacted them.. how have i hurt, how have i helped.. how? i just dont know.. and its just so muther fucking odd.. that im here.. of i was sumwhere esle.. would i know people that i love as much as i do the people i already know? would i not cut? would i have love? would i act different? would i dress different? woudl i not be able to sing? would i follow the crowd? would i not be able to dance? would i be able to touch snow? would i be able to laugh liek i do? would i be half the person that i am? would my NAME even be kayla? would i be cultutred? i kinda wanna know!!! its just so.. i dunno.. its kinda intreguing.. so im getting tired of typing.. im gunna go..

-kayla

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: viva la bam