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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 2:57p | ugggh i make no sense i feel like having such a nervous breakdown. i dont understand why i cant find happiness in anything i do anymore. i have a boyfriend now. but im still not happy. like i cry and think to myself that im going to fuck this up.. i know i am. hes going to see the scars on my arms and run away. hes going to find out the true person i am, and hate me for it. i feel i dont even deserve having someone. maybe i was better off being alone. i've been seeing my psychologist for 2 months and i still feel like shit. i have the word "numb" written on my arm in huge letters. someones bound to see it accidentally and than im going to be questioned. i dont know what to fucking do. lately ive been thinking of killing myself. i seriously dont see anything worth living for anymore. waking up is such a waste and facing all these phonies in my school who try to copy everything that i am. i dont even feel like i exist anymore. if im never going to be happy... why do i have to fucking keep living like this.. i feel like im being smothered and can no longer breathe. when im around the people i care for most in my school, i pretend to be so happy. but i dont even know if i can call these people my 'friends' anymore cus i barely see them outside of school. i dont even know why people want to be my friend. im so fucked up. the thoughts i ponder on and the dreams and wishes i have. grrrr. maybe going to the mall this saturday will help me find myself again. because i just keep losing myself over and over again and i dont know how much longer i can take to fake this in front of everyone...... i just dont want people worrying about me.... i just dont want to have to explain myself to anyone.... Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: hella vegas kids say hella x curl up and die |
| 4:02p | well today wasnt that interesting, the other boiler didn't break like i hoped it would but oh well. i lived. so yeh i ran around the skool this morning like a mad man trying to get all my stuff...i got to skool and resource was locked and i was like noooooo i needs me shit! and so im waiting inside and waiting and i saw randall and i was like its still locked and hes like oh im gonna go to the gym and im like yeh i gg to my locker so i do, go to the gym, drop my shit off, sit down and randall goes to try n open his locker (which hasn't opened for the past few days lol) and so i got up and went back to resource, finally it was open got my shit and took the note back from randalls books *i was like thank god* and blah, tried to get into the rotc room to get my disk *shit, i never got it today! dammit! wow, talk about being stupid...wow lol* so yeh ill get it tomorrow which'll give me a reason to see steve....*ponders...hehehe lol* and yeh...um..skool, gay....really gay....after skool i came here to amandas house! ^.^ hehe. so yeh...at lunch me n steve were flirty-ish and i was sittin on his lap...i think im gonna ask him out 2morrow...*ponders* perhaps...2morrow is a half day then a 5 day weekend! *on monday is staff development day..heheh no skool!* so yeh...uhhhhhh......yeh, im gonna go watch labrynth w/ amanda now so ill ttyl! ps. crystal_tears i sent the letter yesterday so keep an eye out for it! itll prolly be there in either 2morrow or friday (i don't think theres mail on turkey-day) |
| 4:12p | oh yeh i have a question fer you guys..... when you get a new bf (or gf) are you worried about wut they'll think about ur scars like fer me i cut on my stomach and i know that if me n steve go out im pretty sure he knows i cut but i know that when the time comes for us to be more....intimate? and the shirt comes off i know theres going to be staring, and i don't really think id be too comfortable with that....idk, thats my greates worries. idk, am i just paranoid? i don't want to be lonely cuz of my scars....i think there buty-full so idk.... so yeh, wut do you guys do when you get a new bf or gf? is it awkward when they see ur scars? do they stare a lot? |
| 6:11p | Blah... Eh...ya kno...i was thinking... Why did people even think of cuttin in the first place? ya kno... lol idk i like cantt sleep anymore so i think of alot of weird shttt. And the name for hurting ur-self..."self mulation" [i cant spell] I dont feel like a mulator....=/ idk...im hope that sumday i will be able to look at mii scars and juzt remember all i went through...i mean i hope sumday i will be ok....is it possable? to ever be ok again? To be able to say "i am an X-cutter".....i dont even kno if it is...i mean..i am juzt so far from being OK that i dont even kno if...it will ever happen --i juzt still wanna say thank u 2 kayla...with out u....and ur understanding and ur listening...and careing...i kno that i would nah be herr iight now thank u so much =]] Current Mood:  awakeCurrent Music: x.X nothing |
| 6:14p | Wondering Hey I was wondering... do any of you sometimes cut for no apparent reason? Like sometimes I won't be feeling all that down, but still cut and I don't get why... I was just wondering that... please respond.. Current Mood:  worriedCurrent Music: Silverchair - Ana's song(Open Fire) |
| 6:36p | I got the results from my phych(sp?) testing results back and i got diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, schitzobipolar, and ofcourse im like manic depressive or some shit like that. The lady said im going to have to be taking pills alteast till after i have children... what the fuck i might not even have kids. Ugh, I dont want to take pills.. but on the other hand I dont like the way Im feeling. Man, and i saw my therapist today... I really like him. Im tired.... * yawn* WelP... just wanted to update and let yall know.. oh and they said i have a distorted view of myself, and i have a blurred perception of reality... yeah right. They have the distorted view of me.. whatever. And a blurred perception of reality????!! who makes up this shit. Well so long <3 KaT Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: williams voice |
| 6:39p | I really hate my mom, she is being such an asshole. I called her to let her kno that i was alive since i haven't talked to her since this morning. So i call her and she hangs up on me. So she calls me back and tells me she did it becasue the other day she said i hung up on her. And to tell you the truth i don't even remember doing that. so when she calls back she says something stupid and i hung up on her. She told me i did and i didn't so i then i really did. She really has no idea what goes on in my life. Her being like this makes it harder. I hate her and i hate myself, and i hate my friends. Myu best friend is a fuckin asshole. I always buy her weed and then few times she has money she didn't even smoke wiht me. so now i can't smoke ebcasue of her dumbass. I fuckin hate everyone, All i wanna do is smoke everything is ok when i'm high.... :0( I still haven't cut i have no idea whats going on why i am not having to its crazy. My life is misserable and things just aren't making sence. I hate guys and i hate life. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: AFI The Last Kiss |
| 6:55p | *SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS* my mom is a cunt, she wont help me. She thinks Im cutting just to be "cool" Yeah Uh huh thats it. Everyone thinks its sickning yet Im doing it for popularity I THINK NOT. Yeah she wont help me, I cant get emancipated its a law in my state now. I cant go alone n e where Shes my legal guardian, shed have to sign the papers. I have been crying all night and Yeah I wish It were different. Seh doesnt get it. Every few days Ill be liek have u called the councelor yet, and Yeha thats why she thinks I do it just to be cool, I think im not shure but w/e im done it pisses me off. So eyah I KNOW I WILL cut tonight, I KNOW i will. So im thinking of just nto caring and leaving the bloody shit on my desk and hiding my razor or ffs leaving it out, let her take it then I have 4 more. idk, I just wanted help why is that so hard? I cant get it now but w/e I dont give a flying mother fuckign care now Iwish I were dead, too bad I dont have a fuckign razor that'll cut deep enough. w/e I just am cryign and wish I were dead and yeha I need to just ughhh go away....If anyone knows ANY way on how I can get help I need a psychologist<~~cant spell the kinda of doc that prescribes pills, thats what everyones recomending, so yeah if anyone has any help pelase help me, I jsut hate this all I fuckign want is HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: infuriated |
| 8:02p | believe it or not, I was happy this afternoon. so at the moment i'm trying to figure out how to break up with my b/f. and then my mom walks in and is like, "sit down" and i'm like, "no i'm doing homework." and she's like, "forget homewokr. come sit down and talk to me." so i did. and she was like, "I found bloody tissues in your garbage this morning. and it was just emptied yesterday.." and I was like, "that was the first time in a while.. i've stopped" and she was like, "that's waht you said last time. and now I see you doing it again." and blah blah blah. she tried to get me to tell her why I cut. But I just said, "i dunno.." and she's like, "well if you won't tell me we'll find someone who you can tell. because this is just not acceptable." i was like WTF?! it's just something I do.. what can't she understand that? she made me promise not to do it again. i promised, But I don't intend on keeping that promise. she's sending me to some lady named Lisa who is supposedly really nice. my sister used to go to her. ugh. if she's anything like Pat (i went to her last year) then I'll just kill myself (i wasnt serious right there..). i hated pat. she didn't understand me. my mom wanted to see my wrists. I showed her. And thankfully that morning I put cover-up on my cuts from last week, so they looked like scars and she asked what it was from and I told her a long time ago. She believed me. I wish she'd just leave me alone. I just broke up with my boyfriend. i feel really bad. I want to cut. but maybe this isn't the best time since I just got in trouble for cutting? ugh. i don't want to see a psychiatrist or therapist or whatever the hell she is. I just want to be left alone. At the moment, I don't mind my cutting. So why should anyone else? I really hate this. Current Mood: sad |
| 9:15p | Well so much for that happiness. It lasted about a night. Then my depression seemed to hit even hader. I hate it i finally thought I was getting there but no. For the last two days i have skipped out of school pretending that i cant talk. I wish I lost my voice forever. It would make life so much easier. No one would talk to me. It would be good. Maybe I just wont talk ever again. Can you really just lose your voice forever? That would be so awesome. Well im not gonna talk for a long time. I always mess things up with words. So from now on im not gonna talk. Im gonna pretend im sick and have to voice. Then i have no school or anything. I can just sit around and do nothing. YAY. Well ya im really depressed and probably just gonna go and cut my wrists up but w/e. Like anyone cares about me. I was gone for three weeks and some of my friends didn't even notice. Those are some good friends I got. Well fuck it im not caring about them anymore then never care about me. Christmas is comming everyone is getting all xcited but not me I hate christmas. No one ever gives me what I want. I dont care about presants. Chrsitmas means nothing to me without sharing it with my dad. Ya im still on thss big thing about him but i love him so much, Buti donno whats gonna happen. If he talks like he did last time i dont think i will hang up soon enough. I think I will say alot of things that will hurt him and thats not what I want. Life really sucks. Everyone says there is a positive thing to every negative thing but that means theres just as many neative things as positive. Like how is that a positive statement. Its like when something good happens be ready for the bad thing that is gonna happen with it. Thats what my consulere told me to do. So w/e she can think whatever she wants but how the hell is that positive. Ya well thats all i gotta say now Nikki PS~ im trying to update more |
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