Monday, November 24th, 2003

Time	Event
2:53p	today was an interesting day.... during 5th period the fire alarm went off and me n amanda were in resource, so its quiet in there so we naturally had a heart attack when it started goin booooooooooooiiiiiiiip! boooooooooooooooiiiiip! and so i tell amanda to leave her stuff (i was assuming that the fire alarm was pulled, its a natural thing, it happens all the time lol) and so we go outside and i wrote randall a note askin him out n we left it on his books cuz he wasn't there he went to guidence or suttin, so were standing outside and hes w/ cassie platt so im like poo. n blah blah, fire trucks come, were still waiting to go inside....and wait....and wait, eventually i get bored and i was depressed cuz randall was talking to cassie n she was flirting w/ him and i was like eh, ill fool around w/ steve and so i start poking him and it was funny hehehe poke-ige. so yeh then mr. lucky and mr. distasio i think his name is was like if your on this side of the flag pole go to the gym if your on this side go to the autitorium! and so im standing there (oh yeh when i was being flirty w/ steve we were holding hands lol *joy*) and so were like um...ok? and amanda d. asked mr. d what was going on and come to find out one of the boilers was smoking real bad so we go to the autitorum and were sitting there for like about 20 min maybe? idk we had been out side for almost an hour at that point in time kinda, maybe 45 min, and so yeh, eventually mr. collins (our gay principal) was like were lettin you guys go home, but you cant go into the skool, its too smoky, so you have to leave all ur shit there til tomorrow (no he didn't say shit lol) so yeh, maybe the boiler will still be broken 2morrow n there wont be skool that'd be cool...my shits still in resource, andi have to get that note back b4 randall does...i get there b4 his bus gets there so i should be able to take it. *hopefully neway* so me amanda n steve walked around outside waiting for buses, and amanda started crying for reasons that im still not sure of *feel better!* and eventually i got home hehe. so yeh...i have a new love for boilers. well im off fer now so ill ttyl (Comment on this)
4:28p	boo hoo 4 me... sorry i havent updated in a while. first i hadnt been cutting, then the damn computer wouldnt let me on so i was really pissed. i had a good streak going, not cutting for like 5 days then it happened. 2 stupid little things. #1: i really wanted to go shopping on black friday. i would have money and everything. the only problem was that i didnt have neone to take me. o well big deal. didnt really care. well my best friend said that if she could find a way she would take me. ok cool. well she found a way... but not with me, with HER best friend. ur all probley thinkin well big deal so u dont get to go shoping. it was so much more than that. she told me that she would take me. then she juss goes and leaves me hangin. it juss makes me feel like she would rather be with her other friend than w/ me... #2 the guy that im like in love with (my next door neighbor) is never home. well he was finally home on saturday night. me and him have had some pretty interesting times. i hate him but then i love him for some pretty stupid reasons that nobodys really interested in. but newayz. i heard him on his porch saturday night with his cousin and a friend. i juss laded there for like 20 mintes juss listening to him talk. not the conversation juss his voice. it felt so good juss to here him talk. then it set in that i wasnt wanted. i like him so much and he doesnt give a rats ass about me. well there is and exseption (sorry i cant spell) but i wont get into that. well thats when everything juss started to get to me. thats when i got my blade. 6 new cuts on my arm then one little scrape on my rist not even enough to get blood. when i went for my wist was when i desided that i needed to get some sleep so i shut my window. i turn on my tv. if neone is really bored and wants the more indepth story of me and my... well the boy i love juss email me or find a way to talk to me. ~l8rz kris~ Current Mood: crushed Current Music: perfect~ simple plan (3 Comments | Comment on this)
6:00p	...another niightmare... eh...wow...today....sucked... buh wa else is new? HOLEY SHTT. I was watchin a talk show this morning (lol) and therr was this girl on therr...and i could really relate to her. She was HUGE (juzt like me)...well maybe she was a lil bigger buh who cares...anyways She was saying ho she has juzt been so depressed and how she had no self confdance and everything. But she said that she did nah have any friend...idk how she is still alive...cuz i kno if i did nah have mii friend...woha i would DIE =/ Buh anywayz...she was juzt like sayin she like built a will around her-self and was juzt stuck in her depression =/ Mannn i was cryiin so badd watchiin dat. x.X and another thing they said was everyday 12 people between the age of 15 and 21 comitte sucicde everyday =/ thats crazyy...x.X mann... today i deeply looked into sucicde and...idk i mean if i was to leave...what would mii friends do? i mean in mii eyes i think the best thing for every 1 is for me 2 leave....buh every1 tells me different... in mii eyes im worth-less...and...juzt....a waste of time =/ *sigh* i really dont kno anymore..i reall dont *bye* -maygin- Current Mood: numb Current Music: NOFX "nubs" (2 Comments | Comment on this)
6:18p	askjfvlAKVGD i feel like such shit... i wish i could help ryan.. i realyl really wish.. but all im doing is causing more problems for him... ;'[ i hate that he sad.. and im so worried about him... why am i so dumb.. why cant i see whats bothering him.. why cant i help? i want him to be alright.. i need him to be alright.. im scared... *sniffle* i dont wanna loose him... --so i didnt sleep at all last nite.. cos i was thinking aboot everything thats been plaguing my mind lately.. mostly ryan... and julie.. and lo.. and may.. and jesse.. and.. my life.. and well.. i thinkined aboot everything evenly.. it was disgusting.. i hate that.. when i think about everything.. like that.. its depressing.. i wiwhs i could help everyone.. why cant i... --ive decided that one u start cutting.. resistance to do so is futile.. cos no matter what tyou do.. no matter how many times u throw away your stuff.. you can ALWAYS goto a store if you feel l;iek it.. you can sharpen ANYTHING to a point.. its so dumb.. fuck this.. ive wanted out from the second i got in.. and rite now i need everyone else out of the boat... cos i dont want themt o hurt. they dont deserve it.. they are good people.. thy are awesum people.. and my best friends.. and i cant stand to watch it.. i hate it,,, you have no idea.. no fucking idead at fucking all.. i fucking love them.. i fuckign cant stand to see them ALL in htis much P A I N.. it sucks so much ass.. they have to get better.. THEY DONT DESERVE THIS Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: gad.. fuck this.. avwdgbjiyfbu (1 Comment | Comment on this)
9:10p	Hi... Well I guess I'm new to this but I read through some of the entries and I know where you are coming from. I'm an x cutter. Yet when I think about the pain. It felt so good. That I could let it all out from inside to out. I wanna get out of here sometimes. My life is a drag. Sometimes I can't even sleep. I can't wake or I can't think. All I want is to be loved. To be told that everything will be okay. I feel like I'm not worth it anymore. That my life could be something better. Something worse. I wish I knew what happy meant. What it means to feel all alone...when you are alone? I don't know how to feel. How to smile. I don't know how to live. I don't know how to carry on with a strong smile. I don't know if I can do it. Help me! Current Mood: sad (6 Comments | Comment on this)
10:03p	well...where should i start thrusday night my dad went syco cuz i didnt watch the dishes then it turned into this whole big thing about me being alone... i sat there and took in all his shit he had to say about me like i'm selfish... WHAT THE FUCK! i'm far from that...so i called him an asshole.... he ened up walking out of the house... while i cried so fucking hard that i littrally couldn't breath... i know.. i shouldn't have been mad becasue i called him that.. i should have been glad i called him that becasue he was bashing on me and that was the only god damn way to get him to shut up and leave me alone. i never called my dad anything like that before and he took it all personal... when he walked back in he was crying... i had to apoligize. i sat in my room after that and let out a good ass cry for 3 hours... during that time i cut the worse i ever cut. it was pretty bad. the next day (friday)i had to go to school and cried while getting ready... i cried in school...i never cried in school before. it was weird but i was hurting. i actually felt was it was like to be numb. cool feeling but at the same time not so great. i dont know why i cried so much... i never felt so bad and numb in my life... i couldn't feel at all.. i couldn't move.. i was weak... my arm literally hurt.. like it was waeker then anything else... i wasn't sure what was happening.. during 2nd period friday in art we had a sub and i walked aroudn the school with my friend. her: "what's wrong?" me: "first of all is it ok i wanted to kill myself last night?" (i wasnt refurring to cutting...that night i was really thinking about killing myself.. i never thought of killing myself so bad... no pills, no razors... what i really wanted to do was shoot myself in the head.. no joke.. i dont know what was happing but i was thinking it would feel so good to pull the trigger and then my dad will really know i'm sorry) well then i pulled out my arm and showed her what i did. her: Why'd you do that?" me: Cause i called my dad an assshole and i really didnt mean it and he was crying and i never seen him cry before" then i forgot what she said but i was like "I've been cutting since last year but i never did it so bad." so i told someone about my problem and actually showed someone.........so then i was like i really need to talk to someone.. so we went to the guidence counsalor (who i have no idea is) but she wasnt there so my friend wrote a note saying to come talk to me me while that day.. nor today did she come see me... hm...some counsalor... dont you think that when someone writes you a note to talk to someone then maybe you really should? i mean i really could have hurt myself if i havent got everything out... after telling my friend i felt a little better. then we were talking about if i should tell the counsalor about me cutting.... i mean she could call my parents and they could take me away.. at that point i wanted to be taken away.. i felt like i didnt deserve to live... i didnt deserve to eat.. i didnt deserve to wear my cloths.. nothing...i wanted to be put away... but i never even talked to the counsalor... the song that i really realted to during those 2 days which was realy yfreaky cause it made total sense... i never really had a song that i can completely relate to that it was scary was "Away From The Sun": 3 Doors Down.. awsome song it helped me a lot. today i showed my friend that my arm was getting better... now that she knows... i feel like shes a part of it now.. but in a way i feel like i shouldn't have told her... but i was desprate that day to be put away...i'm so scared to ask for anything.... i'm scared for life... supposably my dad forgives me.. i mena he talks to me... but.. i can't even explain it.. everything's so wrong... for the 1st time i was actaully working really hard to hide my arm from my parents... weird ... i would have wrote this all the night it happened but he kicked me off line... i dont deserve to be happy.. i'll stop taking up space now... Current Mood: blank Current Music: CSI: Miami (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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