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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 2:10p | so yeh, sry i don't write as much, im over amanda d.'s house n shes lettin me use her comp so im like wee! write-ige! lol. so yeh, me n steve have been all cuddly during lunch, im like wee! love! lol, idk im so weird, but yeh, idk if me n steve r gonna go out, most likly though *hopefully neway* but im still confused on a few things but oh well huh? so yeh this weekend- friday-went over amanda d.'s house and chilled w/ kyle n randall and we had fun lol. just mainly hanging out and tickling fights lol, randall fell off the bed like 40,000 times and at one point kyle had grabbed my legs and held them so i couldnt get away and amanda was tickling my neck and randall was tickling my stomach and i was like ahhhh! noooo! lol, it was funny. then randall n jake played leggos and i watched and then the guys (randall, jake, and kyle) played darts, and i joined in and i kicked ass, kyle won though, i wasnt far behind lol. um.yeh, then kyle was annoying randall to give me a kiss on the cheek cuz im chicken shit, and randall did and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol i was like omg omg omg omg!!! randall kissed me on the cheek! even if it was not um...on his own will? then kyle was like emily... and i gave randall one back and amanda felt left out so i gave her one too lol. so yeh, it was fun hehehe, then the boys went home around 830ish and i slept over amandas house and we talked grly and ate pop corn at like 1215 in the morning and started to watch finding nemo agen and she fell asleep and i went to bed around 20 min later lol saterday-went home around 1 or so, amandas dad gave me a ride home and i sat at home all day listening to my new linkin park cd (i almost died when amanda gave it to me cuz travis burned it for me and gave it to megan to give to amanda who gave it to me) and i listened to it all day yesterday and cut and it was ok. today-im at amanda d.'s house agen lol, n shes lettin me use her comp, so i can write and im like yeh! im hungry too lol, so yeh, im gonna watch tv w/ her now so ill ttyl |
| 3:23p | ok excuse me for my stupidness but... i just carved "numb" into my arm in huge letters on my arm and it bleeded like crazy. so i wiped it up with tissues and after a few mins, some kind of clear liquidy stuff... like puss.. came out. eh. its never happened to me before so i was just wondering if it had anything to do with how deep or fast i cut.... sorry. im uneducated when it comes to the human body.. heh... Current Mood:  soreCurrent Music: wonderwall x oasis |
| 4:10p | *still herr* well well well....cars are maddd stupid..WHY WONT THEY HIT ME? they juzt beeped and waved at me =[ Kayla was riight, i woldent get hit. x.X omg, mii hip...it hurts so bad.. new,opened cuts + salt water (ocean) = PAIN!!!!!! ;[[[ omg it still burns n i took like 4768975 showers... i cut pretty deep on 1 spot...it have nah closed up yett....it juzt getts all bloody and stuff x.X *sigh* i have never really cut that deep be4....x.X i go home in 4 DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i get 2 see mii friends!!! Ugh wiith out them im goiin nuts.! Kayla is really the only person i have right now 2 help me wiith mii cutting and stuff...cuz i really dont think Lo cares...we have growen apart alot =( *sniff sniff* and im scared 2 tell mii best friend angie cuz...idk i juzt dont wanna put mii shtt on her cuz she got her own shtt and i dont think she would understand =[ kayla is goiin throu it 2 so...she is very helpfull 2 me and im glad she cares =]] im out *waves* -maygin- Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: x.X |
| 4:42p | GUESS WHAT EVERYONE IM HAPPY> IM ACTUALLY HAPPY. I haven't felt so good for more then 2 years. ya well thats all im gonna say for now. I hope everyone else is doing good. Nikki |
| 6:37p | uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh blehahhyyyyee! i had an awesum weekend.. im not typin it in here tho.. cos im just too lazay. --well im now officially uber worried aboot maygin.. i dont want maymay to D I E!.. i mena shes so sadd.. i hate when people are sad.. [thats so hypocriticle but.. i just hate seeing other ppl hurt.. cos the ppl who hurt usually dont deserve it] but i dont knwo how to cheer her up. i mean.. all i can do is listen.. and try to chime in a bit of reassurance and advice but i dont feel like thats enough. ;'[ -so i think its been... well.. close to a week without cutting.. im proud.. i wanna try to stop.. ; D Current Mood:  bouncyCurrent Music: ijm watching as told my ginger |
| 7:38p | scars Ok...I used to think my scars were beautifull...Yet everytime I realixe them It reminds me of why I do it and makes me feel bad. It was cold today which made all my scars noticable that I cried...It sucked, I looked at what I do to myself and I cried, I mean if or when I have kids, what am I gonna tell them? I counted and I lost count at 87 scars. Idk I just wish there was a way I can make them go away, be not noticable. If anyone knows of a way besides lazer surgery and all that expensive stuff. then again not make up either im looking for a semi permanent way. Also, A lot of my friends have been suicidal lately, and it sucks, I was just gettign settled and happy and now im getting suicidal. it bites, idk what to do n e more. well yeah. thanks for everythgin guys. Current Mood: crappy |
| 7:48p | plainly fucked up in the head........... i can get thru this i can stop this blade from touching my skin i can put down this bottle of pills but can i ever stop all this pain from within i am so blinded from my pain my veins are burning with hate and i wonder if its really worth feeling and not taking the easy escape my screams are so silent and my tears seem so fucking dry and i feel like IM locked up in a fucking cage with no where to run and no where to hide i feel like saying fuck it and letting this blade touch my skin watch the flow of crimson and feeling pain on the outside instead of within or maybe i will just lay down to the lullaby of a pill to ease the pain if only my life wasn't such a fucked up mess if only it could be normal then maybe i would be sain Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: cky................saras mask |
| 8:24p | Making out with Morgan was nothing at all like pecking Mik on the lips. I mean, when Mik and I just pecked like I felt something. And making out with Morgan was just...well his mouth was dry. Mom threatening to make me change schools. And that is what I wanted a couple of weeks ago, but Megan and I are really tight now and I don't want to lose her. And yeah,, mojority of the people still hate me but it means alot less to me now. I really need a cigarette right now. really bad. Friday night was ok, but when I came home I had to try so hard not to go into the kitchen and get a knife. I mean, that car ride with Nikita sucked, he's fucking killing me. It's been almost more than a fucking month and he still isn't talking to me, and I didn't start any fucking rumours about him. He acts as if I don't exsist, I mean he's only looked at me once since last month and that was Friday night cos he was looking around for Laura and I was walking with her. But, omg he makes me want to keep cutting cos he's such an ass. And I'm still so pissed off over Mik. And he's been gone like 2 weeks or soemthing. If only Laura knew the stuff about him that I know, the stuff he told me, she would never talk to him again. I don't understand how I kept and still am keeping all his secrets he told me when he told all of mine and broke all of my promises. But just those pecks we shared, they felt amazing. I wonder if what everyone says is true...that we could make the perfect couple. I don't fucking care right now though. I hope Morgan doesn't tell his girlfriend that we made out. I feel really bad, I'd do it again, make out with him, but that's just cos I'm lonely and would make out with almost anyone. bleh ok this was only supposed to be like 3 sentences long. Current Mood: guilty |
| 8:28p | shit.. why do i always feel like shit. i feel like whatever i say, is just worthless to everyone. i feel like no one cares.. why do i bother talking.. theres noway for em to escape this horrid misery i live in. and i cant fuckin stand it. i cant stand most of the people i know. they are all so dumb. they just are. i cant stand hiding behind my razor, which i do so often. i just today realized that whenever somthing happens, i automatically turn to it. and becasue of that, i dont know how to deal with anything just on my own... and i always feel like everyone hates me. im constantly asking people if they hate me. and if they say no.. i dont believe them... and.. *sniffle* i feel like shit. i dont knwo what i do wrong.. i feel like a bad person. i wanna leave.. i do.. i want to go. away.. form here form this place form everysingle person i know. i hate it here. |
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