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Friday, November 21st, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 7:42p | x.X i cut 2day... *sigh* i hate life. I hate the stress and the pain and all the crap i hate 2 put up wiith erryday. when im nah home everything is AWSOME....when im away from mii "family" i have not a care in the world buh the second i walk in da door its like helll..... UGH will it ever end? will things get better? is it possable for anything 2 get better? man i look at mii self and see all the fukiin scars that will prolly never go away.... why does it feel good? why do i like the way it looks? will i ever get answers? DOES ANY1 UNDERSTAND???????????????? *scream* =[[[ -maygin- Current Mood:  moodyCurrent Music: x.X |
| 10:07p | something that really upsets me is that i found a burn on my boyfriends arm. a burn. it looked like a smilie burn. did he think he could get away with it without me knowing? did he think that i couldn't tell what that was? so i begin to poke at it. poke. poke. ow. and i flat out ask him "so andy, what's that? huh?" and he goes "oh it's nothing. i was lighting my insense and then i accidentaly burned myself." and i tell him "oh accidentally eh? so it just randomly happened to burn your arm?" and he was like "well you can't speak... hypocrite" This was all said in the most sarcastic and joking way possible just becuase we are like that. so i wasn't offended or hurt or anyhting. it dosen't make me mad. it makes me sad. it makes me sad that he is doing this. and it makes me sad that he is resorting to this. and i feel like i am to blame. i feel like becuase we opened up and he finally knows that i cut, that i am to blame for hwy he did that. like he got the thought of it from me. and i don't know. i just feel guilty. but later that day i told him that it makes me sad. and he says, "it wasnt out of hate, it was out of love." i don't understand. i really don't. maybe it's becuase he said "i wish i could take all your pain onto me and you will be happy." but i don't know. i really hope he dosent begin to do it habitually. becuase even though i do it, dosen't mean i'll advocate it for other people. hm. i haven't cut or done anything for about 2 weeks till yesterday. and what led me to do it? i was sitting in french class picking at my nails like i usually do and then it begins to bleed. and i just watched the blood gather and then flow down my finger. and right at that moment i wanted to cut. i wanted to bruise. i wanted to scratch. i wanted to do something. anything. i licked off the blood and let it bleed some more. right when i came home i found my knife and cut my leg. my lower arm. my upper arm 5 times. nice clean slashes. and i let it bleed. at first it didn't bleed to much so i began going deeper and deeper and everything was good. everything was better. afterwards i just layed on my bed and everything was better. the stress of the week seemed to be unexistant. all of the work that is due next week seemed to be gone for those few minutes. and all my thoughts that were in my mind where gone. all that was left was me and the blood. me and my knife against the world. and i was numb. i was good. i was relieved. everything, everything was gone. and i was good. that's why i cut. and now i wonder if anyone will actually bother to read this whole thing... i don't know. just rambaling. |
| 11:02p | yeasm ohkay guys.. so its kayla.. (aka-inflicted_love;forgotten-kiss;die_s ~kayla ps-tomorrow i get to do a supermarket sweeep.. ya know.. where you go threw the supermarket and get all the items.. itll be fun.. its a fundraiser for needy ppl on thanksgiving.. kick ass huh? Current Mood:  worriedCurrent Music: the ramones [x[ i wanna be sedated |
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