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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 3:44p | i went to the mental hospital near me and i was ready to go for an evaluation assigned by my psychologist. my mom had to tell them ive been having suicidal tendencies, and the waiting line was 4-5 hours! can u believe that?!... so we left. i felt like i should have been commited there... as if i would so fit in with everyone else. my mom telling them i contemplate suicide. hearing my own mother saying that about me makes me feel so disgusted toward myself inside. so yeah. i have my psychologist appt. tonight and SHE has to make the damn appointment. if i go on the pills, im hoping it'll help me. but ive heard they dont fully help, but i guess its worth a try. i dont want my mom to know i cut but the psychiatrist will tell her...unless i just dont admit to cutting if the psychiatrist asks me. im scared. i dont want to stop. i dont want the privilege of cutting to be taken away from me. and i dont know what to say when i get evaluated. what should i do... this all feels like such a waste. if only i had ended it, i wouldnt be facing these problems right now. its just not fair for me... and for my own mother who has to deal with it. thats why its best she doesnt know my habits. i know she'll search my room and take away all my sharp objects. but i dont wanna let that go... Current Mood: weak Current Music: newborn [x] twisted method |
| 6:20p | Blah Eh....im so worried about mii friend kayla mann i love her so much...she wants to go 2 gidance (i spelt that wrong) and get help....and im glad that she wants to do that buh....i dun want her 2 get sent away....i love her...she is 1 of mii best friends and i need her 2 be herr wiith me...i cant be left alone....wiith people *cought* anywayz i juzt dun want her 2 leave =[ *tears* i wish i could have so kinda power to make everyhting ok.... i hate the fact that i enjoy cutting i hate how it makes me feel better I hate how i like the way it looks I hate being scared erryday sum 1 is gonna find out i hate hiding it from mii best friend ! GOD =[ -maygin Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: x.X |
| 8:34p | breathe in... hey everyone-this is julie. starlit_nights got suspended. zoloft WILL NOT LET ME CRY. i hate it. i wanted to. i've been holding so many emotions in for so long. and i just snapped. i can't cry...but...i have one other emotional release. guess what it is. hint: it involves a razor. fuck fuck fuck. i told myself i'd stop this. i ended up cutting the FUCK out of my leg. over 40 slashes, and one of them is quite deep, because i kept going over it with the razor. like, it got to the point where the tip of the razor disappeared into my skin. it would not stop bleeding for an exorbitant amount of time. so yeah. i feel so...low. i hate this. WHY DID I DO THIS? WHY CUT. p.s. does anyone know how to make cuts heal faster Current Mood: punk25 |
| 8:34p | breathe in... hey everyone-this is julie. starlit_nights got suspended. zoloft WILL NOT LET ME CRY. i hate it. i wanted to. i've been holding so many emotions in for so long. and i just snapped. i can't cry...but...i have one other emotional release. guess what it is. hint: it involves a razor. fuck fuck fuck. i told myself i'd stop this. i ended up cutting the FUCK out of my leg. over 40 slashes, and one of them is quite deep, because i kept going over it with the razor. like, it got to the point where the tip of the razor disappeared into my skin. it would not stop bleeding for an exorbitant amount of time. so yeah. i feel so...low. i hate this. WHY DID I DO THIS? WHY CUT. p.s. does anyone know how to make cuts heal faster Current Mood: soreCurrent Music: Pink Floyd x Breathe |
| 9:02p | gofer. it. gofer. it. gofer. it. GO FOR IT. gofer it. jack safro. jacks afro. ha! "im a loser baby, so why dont you kill me" oh man. natural high. too much caffeine. oh man becky Current Mood:  crazyCurrent Music: moo |
| 10:27p | hi.. hey im ne my names alaina,im 14 and i recently moved to fl from ny. im a cutter i guess,self mutilator i was called at the hospital,watever.i had been doing good for 3 weeks then cut last night on my wrist.im trying really hard,so please,wish me luck or pray for me...... <3 lainy |
| 10:27p | hi.. hey im ne my names alaina,im 14 and i recently moved to fl from ny. im a cutter i guess,self mutilator i was called at the hospital,watever.i had been doing good for 3 weeks then cut last night on my wrist.im trying really hard,so please,wish me luck or pray for me...... <3 lainy |
| 10:35p | 0. Do you cut?i used to everyday im trying to stop 1. Who do you hide SI from?i try to from everyone but as we know,scars are visible 2. Who knows about it? my friends,my counselor,my parents,pyshciatrist 3. How long has it been since you last cut?yesterday 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yes 5. Where do you usually cut? my forearm,upper arms,thigh 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? julie 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut?someone in school once said out loud,"why do u have so many scars?!"it was humiliating. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? no 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? sometimes..they remind to be strong 10. Do you name your razor? nope 11. What other methods of SI do you use? burning,scratching,biting,wrist banging. 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"yes,it makes u sound crazy 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts?bracelets, long sleeves,pants 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? sometimes,from my parents,they get worried 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? yes 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? no not really except when i had to be full body examined at the hospital 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? i like the feeling of blood running down my arm/leg..it feels like im in control 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut? razors,knife,safteypin,glass,broken plastic,broken cds,anything sharp. 21. What causes you to cut? me,friends,my illnesses,mostly because i was unstable,b ut i have a lot of reasons. 22. What do you feel afterwards? i cry.i feel ashamed 23. What is your closest Close Call? i almost drowned in my pool becuase i was tryin to commit suicide. 24. How long have you been doing it? 2 years on and off 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? not usually,i keep safety pins more often 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? no 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? yeah i like my councelor .28. Are your parents divorced? no there together,i like it that way,i love my parents, Current Mood:  content |
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