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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 2:30p | life is peachy. let me sum things up... friday-i had a bad day cuz chris said he wasn't gonna go out w/ neone cuz he 'doesnt like short term relationships and hes going to college in sept.' so im like ugh, then i went to the mall that nite w/ amanda and we got into a fight, and i hung out w/ amanda d. travis, n victor and had fun, i played w/ a kick ass motercycle thingy in toys r us and i was like weeeeeeeeeee! and i haven't talked to amanda since friday, and i read the email she sent amanda n im like wow, ur just describing urself, but putting it so it sounds like amanda d. is the culprit. im not gonna get into it. saterday-went over amanda d.'s house and watched finding nemo, which i loved, i need to get that movie! lol whoooooooooooooo arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu? *makes crab like movements* *snap!snap!...*kerplunk** lol sunday-sat at home yesterday-went over amanda d.'s house, chilled in my pink chair n talked to her bf tyler online and i think i made him mad...oops lol. today, sittin here at home chillin. fun no? well im off fer now, if you want more details on nethin yer gonna hafta wait til my next entry cuz my sister is kicken me off so ill ttyl |
| 2:37p | grrr ok so blurty suspend my jurnal this is deadanddying(spike) and this is my new one.. Current Mood:  coldCurrent Music: boxcar racer [x] i feel so |
| 3:53p | same ol' same ol'... hey everyone whats up? nothing new here. stayed home from school today cus i felt sick this morning. my TwistedMethod cd came in the mail today. just another CD i can take my anger out if. well i may have a boyfriend soon if that means anything. the problem is hes capable of cheating so he doesnt have the nerve to ask me out right away...and..yea... i can be cheated on easily since really im nothing special. so if i end up getting hurt again, it'll be my own fault as usual. anyway. i dont think of it as much. im still my crummy self even though i havent cut in a week. havent really triggered myself off yet but im sure its coming. my head is killing me. im gunna go relax. ttyl. bye everyone. Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: goodbye again - vertical horizon |
| 3:59p | i haven't cut in a while. i haven't really hurt myslef in a while. in a way i guess i have. i haven't been eating. at all. but i don't know. i want to cut. but what if andy asks and i tell him i have. would he get angry. jesus. i never had this problem beofre... some one caring about it all beucase no one ever knew. but oh well. i think i will today, theres just so much stress going around with school, life, etc. and i just don't know what to do anymore. i kind of just lay on the ground numb. i don't speak anymore. i don't eat anymore. i forget to breath. i'm just dieing. and i'm perfectly fine with that. |
| 3:59p | i haven't cut in a while. i haven't really hurt myslef in a while. in a way i guess i have. i haven't been eating. at all. but i don't know. i want to cut. but what if andy asks and i tell him i have. would he get angry. jesus. i never had this problem beofre... some one caring about it all beucase no one ever knew. but oh well. i think i will today, theres just so much stress going around with school, life, etc. and i just don't know what to do anymore. i kind of just lay on the ground numb. i don't speak anymore. i don't eat anymore. i forget to breath. i'm just dieing. and i'm perfectly fine with that. |
| 4:57p | hi every one...im starting to really scare myself...and well...lately, ive been terrifed to be alone...when im alone i have time to think about stuff...and my thoughts are starting to scare me. ive recently started to truly indepth think about killing myself.i mean...ive thought about it before...how easy it would be to down every pill in the cabinate...but recently...ive been thinkin baout it differently....like how easy it would be to take gun gun and just pull the trigger...or how i could hang myself. easy as pie. ive tied a noose already out of an extension cord...i have sleeping pills...i know exactly how i would do it too...take 6-7 sleeping pills...tighten the noose around my neck, wait to fall asleep with the pills...and just...well...be gone...but on the...well...i guess you could call it the bright side, i havent cut in about 3-4 days...its hard for me to keep track of days any more...each day just seems to melt into the next...without any sign of change...i want to get help...but im afraid.i cant bear to think of how my parents...grandparents...sister...brothe Current Mood: thirsty |
| 5:27p | FUCK! WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!! |
| 5:44p | I'm fighting with myself. The urge to cut is so strong lately, but I haven't given in. Old memories are haunting me and it's been very distressing. I'm trying to stay in control, but.... ::sighs:: I got my Evanescence cd back from my therapist. I listened to it 24/7 from April through July. Used to cut to it. I gave it to my therapist when I started seeing her cuz it expressed my emotions better than I could at the time. Of course, I could barely talk at the time. I was kinda scared to listen to it, thought it might be triggering, especially with how I've been feeling, but it wasn't really. They're playing in Madison in Dec. and I really want to go, but I don't know how to tell Mike that I don't want him to come with me. The songs are just so personal, I don't think I could share that with someone who couldn't understand. I'll have to figure something out. Bye. Current Mood: melancholy |
| 7:26p | hey hey I haven't posted in a while. Got put in the hospital. Well that sucked and now im on all these meds. It all blows but i really dont want to kill myself i want to see what life brings. But times are just so hard sometimes. Well i have like 100 cuts on each leg. For once I actually felt them well the first leg and then i did it the next night. I was just so crazy. I freaked at my dad. And then I cried for like 3 hours striaght. It sucks. I was so upset. Today i had to go meet my new consuler. She seemed ok I guess. WEll ya thats alll thats been happening with me. Well ya i out byebye Nikki PS~ Did somebody write a essay on like suidcide and self harm or something like that? I read i good essay somewhere and i cant remember where. Its really annoying me that im so diumb to not remember so if anyone did write one or someone posted one can i read it again??? thanks |
| 9:51p | so.. umm...uhh... yeaaa so.. i finally wrote a poem.. like a good one.. the first decent one in weeks.. ive had horrible writers block.. so im not worrying about my writing much rite now.. but ive been crying at everything.. and i feel so dumb.. and i just wrote an email to my bestest friendy Lo (lauren.. aka.. pavementgetshit) in reply to her post.. since i cannot post cos of problems with blurty.. got sum stuff off my chest... yey.. well. hmm... i had to sit threw hell calss again today... (akak. chorus) - and i mean. its not liek eveyrone picks on me.. liek im not the reject kid who sits quietly by themselves with no one to talk to.. not that theres anything wrong with that.. im just saying.. but im enough of an "outcast" to get picked on by.. say.. hmm... about every close minded person in the skool.. and its not that i cant handle it and break down at everything said to me..its that that.. ontop of everything else im dealing with just brings me down to a very bad breaking point.. i mean.. ugg.. i dunno what i mean. i just wish that certain people would shut the frick up.. i mean.. gad.. whatever.. i just need to kick sum ass.. i like kicking as.. only thing is it gets me in trouble.. liek when we had our 8th grade trip to washington DC.. woohoo.. me and one of my bestest frineds in a rum with one of our bestest eminies.. she wanted to switch rums cos she thought we were gunna 'kill' her.. she thought she was in great danger.. so i told the teach we had it all worked out.. so i didnt get my ass kcike doutta there.. i told erh i was gunna kick her ass.. she cried.. it was kidan funny.. im mean.. a couple weeks later.. me maygin.. and her started throwing swings in lunch.. well.. more like me and may swung.. and terri stood there.. kidna funyn cos the ISS dood was rite there.. i dunno why im tlaign baout this.. it has nothing to do with anything in the world.. o well.. so yea.. ass kickign releaves alot of stuff.. yet.. adds so much more.. *snaps fingers* o darn.. well.. hmm.. my parents got in a VERY HUGE fite last nite.. ym mum threw an 18 oz. can of beer at my dad.. then the remote.. then started liek.. beating him up.. then he statredliek.. fiteing back.. and blah blah it was odd.. havent seen that happen for a good 2 years.. its fucked.. so wehn that was donei barraceded myself in my bathrum.. adn sliced the fuck outta my leg.. itsd all big.. and slice like.. ahaha.. i think its funny.. for sum reason.. the boold was pinkish.. ti was odd.. and i just realisd i ahve no long sleeves.. so.. i dunno.. it just stroekd me as odd.. uhh oh/. laurens frekaing.. her.. mike.. ahh.. wow.. gotta rocket |
| 10:14p | hey guys... about 2 hours i ago i just found out that this girl my age that i use to be friends with slit her wrists on sunday. my mom told me. no one else in the school knows kids wise.. besides me. her mom told my mom who told me. i felt kind of bad and was like how can she do that to herself... then again.. i think about doing that all the time. so i wonder if i should hate myself for it, or feel bad for myself. well shes in the hospital in the sycreatric part (cant spell). hopefully she gets better. i dont like her really but i just hope she gets better. if you look at her she doesnt look like that type of person to do that at all so i was really confused. my mom was saying "how can someone be that depressed to hurt themselves" and i didnt say anything...i was going to tell her that i've bene thinking aobut ODing.. but i really didint want to so i didnt... i mean she felt bad about her.. so imagine me...i neveer thought anyone in my school could do something like that.. hmm it makes me think Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: |
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