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Monday, November 17th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 5:04a | THnx for the comments tara and j, I appreciates it. I know that cutting is nothing but a temp reliver, I also know that it does become a need more than a want, it is very addicting,and Im addicted. I Do wanna quit dont get me wrong, but i mean counting to ten isnt gonan give me that same feeling that cutting gives me ya know. Idk I do wanna quit but with the way things have been going for me, its more i dont wanna slip up i was going pretty good I guess you could say it was 4 days w/o cutting and then last night had to happen... Well I went out of the house at 9:30 W/o a jacket and went to talk to my best friend then liek an hour and a hlf later we turn the corner by her apt. and there my mom was walkign down the stairs and then she saw me and stared at me liek she had poisoned me and was waitign for me to die, then my friends momtold her to get in the house, she flew up the stairs and me and my mom walked home and My mom told me I was the biggest dissapointment she ever had and I said sorr yI cant be fucking perfect. she was just bitchin at me and Omg it was nutz I was just looking at her and I tryed not to cry listening to her say that to me, made me furious I was angry and wished I was dead and I ran to my room and grabbed a razor instead and yeah...I did it....I liked it, I felt so much better. Just releasing all that nager and tension and shit made me feel sooo much better, and I was finally able to sleep...Im gonna try and make myself a promise, Iwont cut until all the cuts I have now, Heal...wish me luck Im gonan try and be strong ~*~Carrie~*~ Current Mood:  crazy |
| 12:55p | hmm well..i was reading through the community...and i caught someone in a lie...not a lil lie either...now im not understand how someone could like about something like that...but its rather rude...and im sorry but i cant support someone who just lies about something...so my support isnt there anymore... anyways...yesterday they had me go to some suicide class...talking about im suicidial...which im NOT...i was pissed...and the lady kept assuming she knew us...and she kept telling us we were going to kill ourselves...it was so retarded...thats why they took away all my earrings...and my belt when i cam here...so i wouldnt "kill myself"...how the hell does one kill themselves with EARRINGS?! i get out on wednesday...happy happy...:( but i wont be able to be a secret agent anymore which is rather sad..but after i get out...there will be no cutting..what so ever...and no drugs...at all...nothing at all...im just going to deal with everything...as it comes...and the best way that i can... -tara- |
| 3:02p | This is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I liked it alot. Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Chops" because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Autumn" because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it. Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it "Innocence: A Question" because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her That was the year that Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it "Absolutely Nothing" Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen. Current Mood:  anxious |
| 4:48p | i havent cut in a while.. i havent been cuting... maybe a week or so? i tried doing it today but it didn't work. i've been poping a lot of pills latly. i havent been feeling good at al the past 2 days. proably from cramps but the pills didn't help so i kept taking more adn more and it still didnt help so i was really confsued and they killed. this whole last month i've been taking a lot of advil and such for no reason... 500mg each. dont know if that matters but whatever. i'm back on my diet that ive been off of for a week. i really want to lose this weight. i'm sick of how i look its so nasty i literally weight 200 lbs so its not like im 120 lbs and think i'm fat... thats not it at all.. i think the way i look has a lot to do with me feeling down and wanting to throw up after i eat. thats mostly the reason why i hate my life. being fat sums up to a lot of things. i think you know for example guys, going places, etc. everyday day i don't want to wake up. i dont want to show people my body. even though i cover up most the time i still know i'm fat and it sucks. i hate walking past people, i hate when people walk behind me, i hate sitting down and my legs exlpode. its fucking sick. sometimes i just beat the shit outta myself. legs mostly. then again no one understands becasue they dont have to deal with this every damn day of their life. i fucking hate it. i hate looking in the mirror. you dont know how many times i almost punched it. one day i'm going to click. i hate how i look, i hate eating. i hate my life. thats pretty much it. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: |
| 6:14p | here we are another wasted night... well i wanted to cut so badly but then i realized...i want a body piercing. so i pierced my right nipple with a safety pin. it's pretty cool, actually. but it hurts really badly. so i just poke it and i'm like OWWW. yeah. eh well. :D Current Mood: soreCurrent Music: Banner Of Hope x Cheers and Beers |
| 6:38p | yea,... gad... i feel so gah.. ;' [ so i just had myself a good cry.. and i still want to cry more.. today all i wanted to do was get my razor ou of my bookbag during scool.. and just cut myself up... bad.. and maybe die.. rite there in the middle of my class... just drop dead.i wish it was more socially acceptable to cut.. i mean.. i wish i didnt have to hide it.. i wish i could just do it when ever i wanted.. wherever in the world i wated and where ever on my body.. i just wish... all i could think about all day was getting my pills.. getting my razors.. uggggggg.... ;'[ and the people at skool dont make it any easier.. evryone thinks im just.. so.. ugg.. i dunno.. niave maybe.. everyone underestemates me and im sick of it.. for the last time.. IM NOT STUPID! im not.. and i hate that everyone thinks i am.. i cried once at skool.. and felt liek shit for crying.. and watned to cry more.. ; \ so i almost started crying in math.. just rite in th middle of the calss.. and i just couldnt let anyone know i was sad.. i didnt want to let anyone on the outside in.. i cant let anyone in,..not my best frineds.. not even me.. and its sick.. and disgusting to me.. and no one understands how i am.. these girls.. talk shit all the time.. these girls in my chorus.. and i swear to god im gunna go code blue on them cos its ntoe fair. they think theyre such hot shit.. liek today.. i got out my writing notebook [where i write alll my poetry] rite in the middle of class.. we had an effing sub.. who the fuck cares.. so thy go.. "i didn know singing involed writeing... cough cough* so im like.. well i dont exactly see you singing.. and theyre like blahbla bkha.. and i turned around and they just kept on tlaking.. liek i had hit them hard with sum really bd insult.. and they sof course started tlakign abotu the obvios.. the way i dress.. and grr.. i cant stand fucking retarted people liek them.. and the girls who sit in front ofm me.. obsessed with my ex boyfreidn.. they think i care... cs they dont knwo i dated him.. so they think just cos everyoone else thinks hes majorly hot they think i do too.. and theyre wrong.. so they yell his name out evrythme they see me.. ad talk all this shitabout how im such this.. andsuch that.. when they dont knwo me at all.. not at all.. yet they think they do just cos im a bitch to them.. w/e i dont knwo why its bothering me.. and then theyres me trying to help everyine else.. i want to help everyone.. but i cant.. and it pisses me off... ;'[ and.. and...*sniffle* i cant take this anymore... i cant handle being here.. wt am i supposed to do about my parents being asshoer.. about everyone wanting me to be strong for them.. ic ant be.. i cant.. and what am i supposed to do about everything.. abotu everyone i love being fucked up.. and eofjasojgfojgsjgjgjgjgjggjlkgljk!! goddddddddddddddddddddd! i fuckin ahte this soooo much.. i hate it Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: default [x] taking my life away |
| 6:46p | x.X blahh *still in aruba* I wanna come home. =[ i NEED 2 get away from mii family...i hate them...they drive me crazyyy x.X i did nah cut 2 day....i wanted 2...buh i aint *proud* hehe eh im out i guess ~1~ *maygin* Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: well i ever get away from mexican music |
| 7:23p | The littlest things hurt so much... Ok today was an okay day, I had fun at lunch and the soda machine gave me 8 sodas and my money back that was very cool, but n e ways after school was terrible... I went to this like nursing home/ hospital type thing to see my grandpa, and Yeah When we walked in he didnt know my name, and I mean usually he gets it in the first min or so..But he didnt. Hes not eating a lto and Its just horible, I mean he was always such a strong person! when I woudl ahve a bad day in e;em,entry schol hed be at my house (he lived iwth me and my mom at the time) and I woudl sit in his lap and hes hold me and tell me everythgin was ok, and crack jokes and make me laugh, and liek he helped me read a lot better, and I mean the thgins are endless, hes such a sweet odl man, and I love him to death! It just killed me to look at him...he was alto weaker, and, he was still crackign jokes. and when he couldnt remember my name, I laughed yeah But deep down inside I was on the floor crying wishing I coudl hold his hand and make everythgin go away. No one in my family thinks he'll live to see his next birthday which is this december, and I really dont know what the fuck I woudl do if he died, He has been so good to me, so wonderful, hes like my only thign that I have been living for, hes like my everything I just wish he coudl have remembered my name, That would have made me so happy, It was just so sad that he didnt know who I was, and the last visit, he todl me how proud of me he was since I am my own person I have diff colored hair and I like to be original, and I almost cried in forunt of him, Its just I cant cry in frount of peopel and twice I went to the bathroom I cried, hard. Today I teared up like every other 5 minutes, I just was clentchign so hard not to cry, I couldnt do it. My uncle Thats I havent seen since I was like seven flew in too, and that was supposed to be a happy movement yet It wasnt ,i just kept tearing up and wishign I were dead...SO on the way home with my mom I cried, Not loud, I didnt want my mom to hear me, but it just opend up and I cried and Everytime I think about it and my grandpa I start bawling liek a little baby. Myabe its for the best. But I Dont want the only thing I feel like living for to leave me, I dont wanan be alone again. It just really gets me that he didnt remember my name...Liek I said...The littlest things Hurt so much.... Good news tho, Im sticking to my goal of not cutting unti lI heal, and Yeha I havent done it yet... ~*~CC~*~ Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: ephiphany~staind |
| 10:37p | i CAN'T take it. not one more day of this... |
| 11:07p | Tonight was scary. I had to go to the hospital because I had an anxiety attack and blacked out. When that happens, I go into my own world and feel like I'm floating. (sorry.. i may not make sense.. the people gave me an anti-anxiety pill, and im out of it) and the social worker there analyzed me and i couldn't bring myself to tell her that i cut. so i didn't get admitted. and i kind of wanted to. i mean i was waiting in this room for two hours. and ET (which scares the living daylights out of me) was on the tv and that made me cry more. and then, my mom yelled at me because she knows i want to cut (not that i do it) and she yelled because i didn't tell the woman. and i dont want to get into everything else but the night got worse and worse.. it was not fun. |
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