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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:12a | i did it again tonight i went with a friend of mine that is in college and we went to the mall. then we went to pick up her boyfriend. on our way bak to drop me off we were really quite cuz we were all pretty tired. i started to think about shit. now im sitting in front of my computer and everyone else in the house is asleep. i took my razor and went across my skin 6 times. i went deeper then ever b4. i let the blood run down my arm. now im like shaking cuz im cold but i cant put my sweatshirt on cuz of the blood. i juss dont kno wat to do nemore. the more time i have alone the more time i have to think and the more time i have to think the more i cut. my one friend that knos about it tells me all the time to stop. its not that easy. it has become a part of my life. i dont kno wat i would do if my mom found out. im so confused. i mean its not even like i could talk to sumone i dont know were to start. well gonna try to sleep or sumtin l8rz ~kris~ Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: the fish tank |
| 9:16a | well i havnt really posted in here for a long time thats partly because i have not cut for a long time havnt felt the need to life is going pretty well for me right now i have been really doing good with controling myself and telling my self no there is some other way there was one time though that i cut and put a cig out on my arm but that doesnt count |
| 10:09a | i dont really know what to say. i was at mike, my boyfriends house yesterday with kayla (inflicted_love,aka,forgotten_kiss,aka,d but now today...im depressed.i stop and think about things, and realize how much i dont like the person i am. i dont like my mind, i dont like the way i look i dont like anything about myself.gah...i hate this. i ahte who everyone in my family thinks im the newest mistake. i havent dont HALF of the shit that my siblings have. my brother is a MAJOR stoner. my sister is an alcoholic, who has been in jail twice and on housearrest a few years ago. yet, by not cleaning my room, or forgetting to vaccume, im a terrible person. i hate absolutely everything about my life...i dont like the fact that people hate me for no reason...and i really dont like the fact that it didnt used to matter to me, and now it does.and i hate the fact that no one in my family stands behind me in anything i want to do. i desprately want to be a pastry chef...but everyone telles me that its nevergonna happen because the only way im going to possibly get into college is by scholorship...... there is no money saved for me for college. and i hate the fact that im going to be held back in the ONE thing that im good at. im a rower...and im amazing at it. i have a better time then most of the people on the varsity team...which is where i should be going this season...even tho im a freshman. but no. my coach told the varsity coach that he couldnt have me...that she wanted me to get her team to win. thats not gonna happen if theres no one else to row besides me. no one has the drive or dertermination to row that there used to be...and when the 11th graders graduate next year, im afraid that there isnt gonna be a team. there are about 4 people that know how to row that are coming back this year, that were on my boat last year. i can just imagine how many races were gonna win if we dont even have a full boat. ok...i guess thats enough of my bitching...i doubt any one cares THAT much...but thanks anyway for lisitening... Current Mood:  distressed |
| 11:37a | Hey Im new to this community, and yeah Ill just tell you all about me I guess... I have been cutting a bit over a year, I have always been doing some form of self harming, liek bruising, tryign to break bones, I have shattered the side bone in my hand twice, and yeah....Idk, it just makes me feel so good, its my coping mechanism ya know, its my way to deal with everythgin that I cant control around me. I love it ,and I do sometimes wanna stop, but then again, who would I be if I didnt cut, I mean no one really knew I had a problem, I always wear this mask that maes me "happy" and I mean every day of my life, I have not been happy, I ean its liek everyday I wake up anf nothing has changed, but cutting makes me feel different, alive, It makes me feel good about myself, im doign somethign for me. My mom does know , we cant have any convos about it, she thinks I "Learned" it, its just fucking stupid she doesnt get it, she thinks its just gonna magically go away and it wont, its not going to, it never will, its become me, a part of me, and yeah its just fucked up! and yeah she also took me to a mental facility and tryed to get me admitted, but they say you haveto be on medication and you have to be seeing a councelor first, ha w.e I coudl care less, she still doesnt know where I hide my razors ya knwo so as long I stilll have them...im semi- Okay. I wish things were different I really do and I dont wanan post my whole story just yet...but yeah thats just a bit about me... Current Mood:  cold |
| 2:57p | Get me out of herrr Ugh i wanna come homee =[ i miss angiee and kayla and mike and Lauren..=[ I hate beiing wiith mii family...today i left the hotel at 8 and im nah goiing back till 2niight...eh last niight i did cut...=/ i did it on mii hip....it was pretty deep....ther blood driped down and watching it made it all ok...eh it juzt felt good.....x.X i dont underdstand why that stuff feels good but it does....*sigh* *hopes someday it will not feel good anymore* x.X well im'a go walk around... ~1~ *maygin* Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: Yellowcard #12 |
| 3:28p | i havent eaten in 2 days..how long can a person go without eating? Current Mood:  nostalgicCurrent Music: motion city soundtrack [x] dont call it a comeback |
| 3:28p | i havent eaten in 2 days..how long can a person go without eating? Current Mood: nostalgicCurrent Music: motion city soundtrack [x] dont call it a comeback |
| 9:55p | :have another drink and drive yourself home, i hope theres ice on all the roads and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield: My weekend wasn't that bad. He was being nice to me yesteday. i hate him so much why does he hate me, him hateing me makes me so sad. And it stops me for being happy for them. Or just for her, i still don't kno whats going on in his head. He is so cute with his glasses on, i wish i could be in a car wiht him just too look at him with them on. In other news..... I haven't cut in a long time.. I miss it, i love my scars and the look of new cuts on my wrists. That might make me sound crazy. Well i feel crazy not cutting, its too much work to hid them, i wish i didn't have to. I don't even have my razor anymore, since i promised Joy i woulnd't cut anymore. Its not like i don't have anything else to use.. becasue i have glass. i just need to keep this promise. I am trying so hard. its all for her she is one of my best friends and i would do anything for her. If all goes well next satruday will be a good day... I hope he comes like he said he will... I really need it. Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: CrazyTown Butterfly |
| 11:03p | ...........lost...................... so if you finally wake up and see that life is not what you thought it would be and your dreams are shatterderd your visions are broke and you are left with nothing but a joint left to toke what do you do with the madness i wish i could throw it away become a new place a new person start a new me a new day i hate who this is inside me i want to posion her everyday i want her to drown in my madnesss i just want me to fucking go away i hate my life that im living but what the fuck can i do i feel so alone and so helpless my whole life is coming ungluged i really just wish i could die but i dont want to give in to the crush but damn it would feel so good to give in to the suicidle lust.............................. ........................i know this really makes no sense at all but im not at a very good place right now...............i will be better with time ..........i hope............its just nothing is ever as it seems................... Current Mood: cold |
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