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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 3:47a | Been a while It seems like every entry I write begins with the phrase "Sorry I haven't posted in a while" or "So, it's been a while". I don't know why I'm not around. I mean, I am around, but... I'm not sure. I haven't cut myself in a while, maybe a little over two weeks now. I haven't really wanted to either... I've kept myself busy hiding behind my books, hiding out in the local book store... pretending to be alright. I guess when I read books, I can think about other peoples problems, rather than mine. Everything is still just as messed up as it was a few weeks ago, only now... I've got reading to distract me. Therapy is going alright. I'm still not comfortable with talking to her as openly as I should be a month and a half into it, but I guess it's better than not talking at all. Danielle came with me the past two or three times. That only meant that I was able to do less talking. That's why I like when she comes. It takes some of the pressure off of me. I don't know where I'm leading to, but I don't care either. I was thinking I could get a bottle of valium, and everytime I just want to get away, I'll just take a few and be okay. Then I can trick myself and everyone else into thinking that life's peachy again. I'm tired of being the center of attention. I just want people to go back to worrying about themselves and not thinking twice about me, like they did before this school year. I just... I hate having to talk about myself... -Mary Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Blink 182.. something off their new CD |
| 8:55a | well... well lets c i figured i should post. i havent cut in almost a month. I gave my one and only razor blade to my friend Topher because he really wanted me to stop. so one day i was like Topher here i have a present for you and i gave it to him. Ive wanted to cut a lot lately i dont even kno why...seems like its been for no apparent reason. I have learned that thinkin just makes things worse. Since i didnt have a razor blade or anything sharp for that matter and i didnt wnana go hunting i burned myself. i just got out some salt and ice and burned myself like 6 times. 3 on my hips on my stomach and 1 on each arm. i feel aweful but i needed. its the only thing that makes me happy. its like the pain makes me forget about w/e is goin on in my life and makes me concentrate on that. does any1 else feel like that or am i alone on this one. well i dont kno i just needed to get that out. thanks for reading this if u did. xoxoxoxo -----courtney jayne----- Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: 3rd planet---modest mouse |
| 3:54p | Mmkay My first entry Ok I got this questionaire from this otehr chicks journal in here: name: Carrie (or CC meanign crazy cutter) age: 15 disorders: depression I think... 0. Do you cut? yes a lot 1. Who do you hide SI from? well, usually everyone but now that my mom knows I still hide it...well try to, and I hide it from a lot of my other friends and people at school. 2. Who knows about it? my mom, her ex bf, My councelor at school*not my fault*, and My friend lindsay meghan and jennifer 3. How long has it been since you last cut? like....5-7 days Idr, but I had a terrible day and yeah Im gonna slip up today I think. 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? I had the razor to my wrist but I was shaking and crying to much to do it. 5. Where do you usually cut? On my arms and legs 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? Lindsay 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? Uhmm, My mom saw my leg with 18 cuts frewshly the night I did them, and it was awkward since I was asleep and I didnt know she knew till later that night. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? Eh not really... 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? sumtimes, but when people notice I hate the attention... 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use? Well cutting for about a yr, I used to bruise and crush my bones when I was younger...Strange I know 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? yeah it soudns like We r cutting off limbs or something 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? Long sleeve shirts, pants, Jackets, stuff like that 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? Yeha sumtimes 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? No, almost tho 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? Yeha wehen I cut to low 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? the why it takes my mind off of every thing else and takes all my problems and pain away 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut? razor and safty pins and stuff 21. What causes you to cut? my friends my family pretty much everything... that makes me mad, and depressed and yeah... 22. What do you feel afterwards? realxed and way better! 23. What is your closest Close Call? I have had way to many 24. How long have you been doing it? over a year 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? sumtimes I have safty pins all over my stuff 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? no 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? No, I am goign to get one tho 28. Are your parents divorced? Yes |
| 4:19p | ... this is a lil thingy i found in a blurty. u can take if u want or not juss some useless info about me.... name: kristin roberts age: 14 disorders: depression 0. Do you cut? yes 1. Who do you hide SI from? all adults and most of my friends 2. Who knows about it? my one friend chasity 3. How long has it been since you last cut? like 5 mins. 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? not yet 5. Where do you usually cut? forearms 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? chas 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? having to change in gym class the next day. and not having a long sleeve shirt or sweatshirt. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? yes 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? yes 10. Do you name your razor? nope 11. What other methods of SI do you use? juss cuttin so far 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? yeah kinda it sounds so... i dont kno... 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? longsleeved shirts, sweat shirts, crossing my arms 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? sometimes 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? nope 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? during gym or when its hot 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? the why it takes my mind off of every thing else 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut? razor 21. What causes you to cut? my friends my family pretty much everything... 22. What do you feel afterwards? calm and relived 23. What is your closest Close Call? when my mom dyed my hair and i had to have a t-shirt on. 24. How long have you been doing it? over a month 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? nope i dont want it to be found 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? nope 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? well the one friend i do talk to about this... well i dont think she wants to talk about it... so not really. 28. Are your parents divorced? they were almost at one time but now it better. Current Mood:  relievedCurrent Music: crawling ~ linkin park |
| 4:51p | ×Even if he sees the scars on your wrist and hand.. One things for sure.. he'll never understand× Take a step into my ice-cold & tattered heart and prepare to see my depression. Love sucks and . . you should know that. --»I cut once, I sliced twice I said goodbye, you said that's nice. Blood I bled, tears I shed, I'm so sorry, bye you said. Dreams are made, angels fade, death is free, Hell is me. Grab a knife, and go to bed, take my life, and I am dead. Make a wish, accept the kiss do not worry, I won't be missed.«-- - Didn't write, just to share. |
| 7:26p | a plea. I've been a part of this community for a while, but I've never really posted in it until recently. Writing this now, I wonder why that was. I read things and and say 'wow. I know that feeling. I'm not alone.' And yes, I know that such is the point of this community but its still so amazing. Enough of that. I'm completely torn. I know I shouldn't cut, and I try not to do it. But something inside me needs to feel the pain, needs the comfort of something sharp against my skin. I get this tingle in my arm, and it wont go away until I cut. I want to tell my friend. But I don't know how. I think I just need someone to talk to for a little bit. I wont tell my therapist about it because she'd tell my mom I was planning on hurting myself. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do this, but I want to put my contact info. out. I need to get things off my chest, and it's easier when talking to one person. Also, I love listening, (or reading) and helping others. If anyone ever needs to chat please feel free to message me. ( unless im not supposed to have this.. i put it under a cut just in case. ) -Becky Current Mood:  contemplative |
| 7:33p | *sigh* Ugh i have nah talked 2 mii boyfriend in like 2 days...i miss him so much. And i reallly want 2 cut....i miss the feeling...i cant cut because im goiin 2 Aruba Friday and i cut on mii legs and i cant cut therr now cuz im gonna be like swimming and everything.... I want everything to be better wiith mii friend kayla. I love her so much and i worrie about her all the time. She is like one of mii best friends And mii best friend Angie is really "sick" er that wa the doctors say. Me and her think the reason she is so0o0o0o0o depressed is cuz her mom will nah let her go or do anyting...i love her so much i want erryhtign 2 be ok *sigh* why cant i help any1? Why cant i help miiself? =[ Current Mood:  crankyCurrent Music: The Ataris "The saddest song" |
| 7:45p | Hello Some of you MIGHT remeber me. I used to have an account on here. My user name was masterpissant. Yeah, well I got kicked off a long time ago for being underage and here i am again. The only reason why I made a blurty accouint again was to be a part of this community. Speaking of communities, I have a account on Caleida.com now. its http://www.caleida.com/users/masterpissant and if anyone here has an account on caleida and would be willing to join a cutters community like this one please inform me. Cause caleida doesnt have any communities for cutters, i think and i would really want to join one. -anways- Im glad to be back and im glad theres a community for cutters. I am going trhough a real tough time. the one person I loved and trusted the most dumped me about 2 weeks ago. He was cheating on me (even tho he still denies it) and went out w/ another girl 6 days after he dumped me. we had been going out for about 10 months, almost 11 before he dumped me. He said that he had been wanting to dump me for a month, but just didnt say anything, so basically he used me and lied to me for a month and cheated on me. He STILL continued to say things like "i love you" even the day before we broke up. I had no idea that he didn't love me so this came as a huge shock. it didnt help that he dumped me right before my b-day. I am getting better now but it hurts so fukcing much. he wont even talk to me anymore, not that i want him too. i tried to be friends w/ him but he kept lying to me so i gave up. I cut for the 1st time in about 5 months on my b-day. I havn't done it sence but i still really want too. ive just never hurt so much in my life. and it doesnt help that i have to see him at school, it doesnt help that the teachers sit him right next to me...and it doesnt help that even tho he has blocked me on IM, that he still continues to tease me and flirt w/ me even tho he dumped me. Eerything just hurts so much..sometimes i feel like giving up. he was my only reason for living. I know better not to think that now...I dont need him to make me happy anymore...but thats how i used to feel. he would comfort me and talk to me about cutting..and he cared so much. or atleast i thought he did. Well...i talked to him a few days after i had cut and he seemed upset/dissapointed that i did it..but..i dont know. Im not sure of anything anymore. I know, im only 15 and i wont fall in love w/ some boy forever right now. im young. but we're wernt supposed to break up this way. it was supposed to end w/ a big fight...not just all of the sudden out of no where him dumping me. he lead me on for sych a long time. i never would have guessed that he was going to dump me. Its like he died. all of the sudden hes just out of my life. That Coldplay song "the scientist" always makes me cry when i hear it. those lyrics....god. Current Mood: rembering Current Music: coldplay |
| 8:02p | survey name: Maygin age: 14 disorders: depression... 0. Do you cut? yes 1. Who do you hide SI from? mii mom knowz...buh i still hide it...a few people know...buh im scared 2 tell mii best friend 2. Who knows about it? my mom.kayla.lauren.mike.ryan.jesse.julie (sry about spelliin) 3. How long has it been since you last cut? like a week... 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before?razor 2 mii wrists...yepp....pillz n a rum n coke...yepp...buh im still herr x.X 5. Where do you usually cut? Legs...once on mii wrists 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? Kayla 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? Trying to hide mii wrists n then kayla seeing it...i felt like shitt 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? kinda.. 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? i like the way cuts look...x.X 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use? cutting 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? yea it sounds worse then it really is 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? wrists bands.paints 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? sumtiimes 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? No 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yea i cut low 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? tthe feeling 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut? razor and safty pins 21. What causes you to cut? family.the way i think about miiself 22. What do you feel afterwards? much betta 23. What is your closest Close Call? 2 many pills 24. How long have you been doing it? over a year 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? i alwayz have safty pinz wiith me 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? no 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? No im 2 scared 28. Are your parents divorced? Yes Current Mood: bitchyCurrent Music: the tappin of mii feet |
| 8:11p | My Nasty Ass Comment - 4 Losing_My_Mind I don't care if I offend you, because you offended me. Let's all cry a river for your sorry ass and why you cut. Miss I've Never Had A Boyfriend needs to shut her face. Girls in this community are completely rational for cutting themselves after a break-up.. until you've gone through it all I think you should keep your mouth shut. Breaking-up with somebody is one of the hardest things in the world. These girls write in here for a reason.. And I assure you it isn't to listen to you bitch about what's worth cutting yourself for or not. We're not here for your oppinion.. just you're support. <3 Kalsie Current Mood: pissed off |
| 8:41p | this is for losing_my_mind or w/e sorry it wont let me comment. so heres my comment: I used ot cut because i was clinically depressed. not because of anything. some events led up to that, but i never did it because of anyone. most people here dont cut because someone broke up w/ them. most people do actually have problems. i think you need to be more sympathetic and stop being so damn bitchy. I know, bfs and friends arnt the end of the world and yes it is annoying when thats all people care about and they dont care about their future....but this journal is for anyone who cuts. we're not here to put people down...we're here to support. and sometiems thats all people need is a little support. Most people here are teenagers and so you should except them to care about teenage things and have teenage problems. You need to get off your high horse and realize that other people suffer other than you. Maybe they suffer less, but they still suffer. You say you cut to releave stress....THATS WHY WE ALL CUT!! Jesus fucking christ! I mean, breaking up w/ someone maybe very stressful so they cut! I mean , what is wrong w/ you? You're being selfish, like you're the only one who can cut or something. this community isnt for people like you. I mean, you're sitting here making an arguement over who can cut and who cant!! JESUS CHRIST! That is so fucking stupid!! Leave us alone, alrigt? Leave eveyone alone here. *shakes head* who would make an arguement over who should be allowed to cut and who shouldnt?? |
| 9:52p | eek. wow. i'm back. that was the single most fucking scariest day ever. i went to guidance with kris.i poured out my heart. but...she called in my dad (the counselor) and he took me to the hospital. where they proceeded to lock me in a fucking ISOLATIONROOM for 2 hours with a camera it was so cold. i was crying the whole time. then some doctors questioned me and made me show them my cuts and a whole bunch of shit. everyone treated me like i was insane. it was...horrible. i was then diagnosed with clinical depression and sent home with a bottle of zoloft. yay. my mom is scared around me. my dad is like >_> at me. yikes. it's going to be rough going. but...st francis's psych ward is hell. on the bright side...i think i'm going to stop cutting. and things are looking brighter. Current Mood: relievedCurrent Music: Razed In Black x Nightmare |
| 10:18p | 0. Do you cut? well. i dont want to any more. 1. Who do you hide SI from? my family...most of the school people. 2. Who knows about it? a lot of my friends, my parents 3. How long has it been since you last cut? 3 days 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yes. 5. Where do you usually cut? thighs, forearms, bicep area, hips, wrists 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? kris 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? it wouldn't stop. i had to put scotch tape over it. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? ew no. 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? they're beautiful. 10. Do you name your razor? selena. 11. What other methods of SI do you use? burning, ODing 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? ...i don't like it. 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? long sleeves, wristcuffs, pants. 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? sometimes 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? yes 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yeah but i turn to the wall. 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? the rush of adrenaline. the joy of watching blood chase the razor. oh god STOP. 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? mmhmm 20. What instrument do you use to cut? LOOOOONG list. razor blades are my best friend. NO THEY ARE NOT. god dammit. 21. What causes you to cut? my family, love, self-hate, sadness. 22. What do you feel afterwards? sick. 23. What is your closest Close Call? my parents telling me to take off mysweatshirt. 24. How long have you been doing it? 3 years on and off 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? sometimes 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? probably, but i taped it. 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? i do now. 28. Are your parents divorced? i wish. Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: Metallica x Sad But True |
| 10:24p | this is something I think we all need to realize. When someone posts here, they prolly never post the whole story. Sometimes the whole story is too painful to type out or maybe they jsut dont want the world to know. So, sometimes things dont seem as bad as they are to the people reading the posts. I know i didnt tell the whole truth. when i posted about my bf dumping me before my b-day, my bf of almost 11 months I left out a few details. I was 14 when i went out w/ him (15 now) and I had a sexual relationship w/ him. He was my very 1st bf and I was pressured into doing a lot of things I wish I would have bever done. No, he didn't rape me but he begged me to do a whhhooole lot of things that a 14 shouldn't be doing. He would beg and beg and i wouldn't know what to do..he would say all these convincing things to me like "you're the only girl for me" and "no other girl could replace you" and "i love you, i only want to do __ or __ because i love you.." and i was stupid and unexpericened enough to fall into his little trap. So..no. this wasnt your regular 14 year old break up...we had a too mature relationship..and I was used, basically. and so now, 2 almost 3 weeks after wards i still suffer. most people would think i am bithcing but... its hard to forget when you have to lie on the same bed, sit in the same chair, walk on the same floor you did "things" on you have to sleep in a bed where his scent is still present his clothes are still in your closet his cd is in your cd player his notes are in your drawer his smell is still on me, in me...everywhere i spent nearly every day w/ him...even after school he would come over.. and now i know what he really wanted. and i know. it is my fault. im not blaming anyone else. i was unexpeirenced and i believe in love too much. i am not bitching to you, i am only telling you the whole story so you know the truth and are not ignorant. |
| 11:10p | Hey Hey guys, it's me again. I haven't written for a long time, simply because my life has been in an upswing. But rest assured I am CONSTANTLY reading this. Afterall, it was this place that helped me sort my crap out. While reading the posts lately I got a little concerned. Ever since I've been here this community has been nothing but supportive. I saw a few fights, or lashings, or whatever you would like to call them, last time I read the entries. Please don't let this community fall apart like so many others have. People should feel safe about writing whatever they want in here, without judgement. I love you all and I don't want to see some petty fight ruin this whole thing. We're a family here, nothing but love for one another. So please, let's keep that way so that we can help someone the same way this place has helped me! Thanks guys, and much love!! xoxoxo |
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