[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends View]
Monday, November 10th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 10:04a | fuckin lonley ok..ive been all like spacey latley..like im permently stoned..yeah..for some odd reason my gramother is being nice..she got me new clothes(and good clothes) a fur blanket witch is the shit and actually didnt rip thee pircings i did outta my face..im scared..shes never been so nice scince i was 6..i guess im just paraniod..but shes gotta be bribing me for somehting...yeah...soon shes gonna go back to being a ho..i cut my hair real short..dyed it black and blue..yeah..i was sitting on mmy bed thinking about shoving my razorblade down the throat of a squirle..i hate squirles..but that would be mean even for me..so i was about to cut up my arms..but im going to florida in december and i want to be able to wear t-shirts..so then my brain turned on..no one sees my stomach..so i started to cut x's and lines into my stomach and it came out a weird disighn..looks like tribal markings..but it looks kinda neat..yeah..i broke up with my b.f and he cryed and everyone laughed..yeah..mum saw me making out with a girl..yeah she took that well..um..thats all i got.. -spike Current Mood:  lazyCurrent Music: alkaline trio [x] another innocent girl |
| 2:11p | Bored and bleeding. I am getting so sick of my job. Latley I have found that the only way I can make it bearable is to sit here and push my thighs together so hard that my cuts from the night before tear open again. I think it's time to find a new job. Current Mood:  pissed off |
| 2:34p | Don't this will only hurt for a second! By the way. I thought I would let everyone see the horror that is me, seeing I'm new to the group. Maybe now everyone can understand a little better about one of the reasons I cut.  Miranda Current Mood:  rejected |
| 2:49p | Sorry I'm very post happy today. Here is something I wrote awhile ago. Let me know what you think if you want. The needle breaks My world, my existance, falls to the ground around me Emptyness fills my eyes Something rumbles in the distance Thoughts of you begin to fill my mind Your face, your eyes flash before me I hear your promises, your lies over and over again I wince as my heart begins to grow cold I try to pick up the peices that I once called my life, what I once called our life The sharp edges slice deep into my skin I stare down at the blood Questions flood my mind Is a life without love a life at all? I should try to stop the bleeding, but I don't want to The pain, the bleeding, takes me out of this horrible world if only for a moment Miranda |
| 3:23p | ok every one, wish me luck.... me n amanda d. were in resource and we plotted how i should ask chris out we devised a plan.... lunch: flirted as usual lol, got bunch-o-hugs end of lunch: walked out of the cafe w/ chris started to go seperate ways i call wait, and....... gave him a note! lol, i was too chicken to do it face to face so amanda helped me write a note to him cuz im too...*struggles for word* not girly? idk, i was like wut should i write?!!?!?!?!? so eventually we just boiled it down to this: hey,i was wondering if you'd go out w/ me? gimme a call later if you can (past 530 cuz i probobly wont be home b4 then) my # is &@(-%%#^ (im not given out my # lol) so ill ttyl emily so im just like yeh...eek, i told my mom i asked him out, i think shes half glad that im over damon (mostly neway, i still think about him sometimes, but i mean, its been 2 months, i think its time fer me to get a move on in life) so yeh, im trying not to get my hopes up too high, but im a grl so i cant help it, im just like ahhhhhhhhh wut if he says no???? i still have 2 hrs and 8 minutes til 530 so im like *twitch* eek *twitch* panic *twitch* arg lol. so yeh, ill let you know what happens later i guess lol. oh yeh, were cleaning my room *me n my 2 sisters share a room so its kinda messy lol* and its a very slow process, cuz well start too, then stop for like 2 days lol and i was goin to bed last nite and theres this earing on my bed (i was shoving things off my bed and back onto the floor) and i was like 'would ya look at that?' it was the same earing i had started to cut my self with (well the other one neway, the one i started with i threw in the river cuz i thought i had lost the one on my bed) so im like hehe, cool, then i was like grrr you evil bastard, brother of the evil one, you started this all! and i was like grr, and threw it on my night stand and went to sleep. fun no? i think ill throw that one in the river w/ its brother....the one i threw in is prolly long gone or rusted to extinction, i threw it in there in like april i think lol. *sighs* the earing reminds me of damon, but oh well. i have chris to panic about lol. so yeh im out fer now ill ttyl Current Mood: worried |
| 7:21p | i want to stop...buh =/ eh idk.....i kno im nah crazy....im juzt confuised. I dont know how 2 deal wiith stuff....i used 2 NEVER let anyhting bother me....i would juzt let everything go....buh now i juzt cant take anything. I want to me therr for mii friends buh idk wa 2 do, i cant even help mii self. *sigh* i want to stop cutting....i cut mii wrists once...and i have so many cuts on mii legs... im scared becUSE im going to aruba in 2 days and i have 2 wear a bathing sute and i have SO many cuts....ehh im scarrred...=/ i juzt hope this get better....i dont want to be here anymore but im to much of a chicken to pull the triggerrr im not crazyy.....juzt lost Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: NOFX "nubs" |
| 7:23p | well even though we broke up we still talk and he cleared some things up about it all. instead of him just dumping me it's just a break becuase he's going through a bad time and he needs time to sort things through in his head. and i completly understand becuase that's what happened to me last year and that was almost the same reason why i broke up with him the first time. but on the phone we have opened up to a completly new level. we were just talking and we ended up talking about suicide and all that stuff. and we both decided to be completly honset about it all. and i came out or rather he got me to tell him about me cutting and ODing and just eveyrhting that went on behind the scenes for the past years. he got angry but didn't scorn me for it. he was just angry that i was keeping it all from him and that i lied about it all. but he was so nice about it. i expected him to be mean. but he asked if i could possibly try to stop. and i said maybe. and he said "well if i were to ask would you be honest?" and i told him yes. he just cares. and i'm thankful for that. but i find it kind of ironic that we open up to each other about our depression when we just broke up and when all during the relationship we both knew what was going on but never said anything. hm. but there is still hope for us in the futur which is good. as long as i don't set myself up for futur pain of being let down. but sometimes you have to take that chance. oh and i caved today i cut on my leg. ah. if he wont ask i wont tell. there. |
| 9:24p | *I Am In A State Of NumB* * * * * * * * * * * I went out danzin yesterday to the Chamber It was purty fun. I was twirling around, dancing my heart out So today I was telling my mom about who I saw and so on Somehow she saw my arm and said "you cut again?" The last time she saw any scars on my arms was probably about 5 months ago and she had just told me to not do that. I guess she didnt see it as a big deal cus it was only about 3 skratches I did with a safety pin. About 2 months she saw a heart I carved on my ankle and she just shook her head. But today she saw my upper arm. I hadn't notice that it was noticable. It looks pretty bad because I have burns, I have the big O I burnt for my punk, and around 20 long cuts that I re-cut and re-cut. She looked and sort of ignored it, I guess cus she didnt know what to say since it looks pretty bad. So I went to the garage to do my laundry and sat in a couch we have in there. I was just staring at the ground and began to cry. My mom soon came into the garage and saw me. She gave me a big hug and I felt so secure for once. I completely broke down and began telling her I was sorry. I explained to her why I did it, and I told her that I couldnt stop. She told me she had noticed that I have been looking pretty depressed and asked me to please get help at the college I'm in. I had always wanted to tell my mom how I felt and today, just letting it all out made me feel so much lighter inside. It made me feel like I had gotten rid of a lot of negativaty. So.. now that she knows, I dont know what to do. I cant give it up, I need it, but I'm scared to do anything. I know I can cut on my legs and chest, but I love to see the remeinder of my mistakes, I love to see the blood run down my arms, I love the taste of it. Im just lost... ::DarK:: * * * * * * * * * * Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: T.T.V. - Numb |
| << Previous Day |
2003/11/10 [Calendar] |
Next Day >> |