[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends View]
Saturday, November 8th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 1:59a | Slicing away the life that was, Just to become so much weaker, The face of pain, Shows when I gaze into the mirror. Why can't I be the one that everyone wants to be? Cutting to watch the blood, Slicing to take the pain away. Gashing away the life that was. Just to fall right back where I began. People point and laugh, When will they look and understand. I am who I am, And I can't change for them. (i didnt write this...but i liked it...so i thought id share...) -tara- |
| 5:37a | oi. things are not going anywhere near good right now. i feel like i'm going to one of those people with boy problems but hey here i go. last night the guy i love and the guy that i went out with for over a year broke up with me. i felt it coming i honsetly did. i held back from crying on the phone. but once the telephone turned off i just sobbed. i mean we've broken up twice last year but i mean it was iniciated by me. but this time it's him and it's so unlikely for him to break up with me unless he really felt like he needed to. and i would like to believe that maybe we'll get back together but i have that fear that we wont. and those fears taht you never want to think are usually true. but i just keep waking up and crying. and i can't believe it happened. everyone else is shocked. i love him. i had sex with him. i thouhgt everything was great and dandy. but apparently not. he said we lost our spark. sigh. but i guess it was bound to happen sometime. and maybe my life will change after this. but i can't just help from crying. i guess that's how my life works, one thigns gets good and another fails, then that good things fails and something else arises and then it fails and it's always like this nothing ever stays good at the same time it has a need to just all perish. i don't even know. but i need to spend time with friends, the people i haven't spoken to in ages and the people that i never hang out with out of school beucase i spent my time with him. ahhh. okay. -kaite |
| 10:34a | It gets harder and harder everyday. Just to wake up in the moring and go to school is hard. Talking to all these people taht say they are my friends. Yeah right none of them are my firends they don't act like it. They pretend to care when i ask for help. If they don't really see whats wrong soon, it won't matter then i won't be here anymore. I haven't cut since that night that i took acid. I am so proud, its hard sometimes. But i am doing good i just really wanna cut myself so everyone can see but too many poeple dont undetstand. I have all these scars i love and no one understands why. I just wish i could be high all the time. being high makes everything alright. But i am too broke for that and the people that i smoke wiht hate me. eveyrone hates me... :0( I talk sometimes like i wanna die and i do but i kno i would never be able to kill myself. I'm not strong enough... not at all. I want to die i really do sometimes . everyone is happy and my life is in pieces. My mother hates me most of the time. And she doesn;t even kno wahts going on in my head. I'm not crazy and i kno im not crazy i am just sad. Very sad...... 42 days until i go to California and Las Vegas! I can't wait i might not come home! Thanks for listening!! To my bullshit. Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: 3 Days Grace I Hate Everything |
| 2:08p | worth a try does anyone have a free razorblade they wouldnt mind sending me? its just i really cant get my hands on one and im starting to become desperate. sorry. some dude promised he would steal me one but he never did and its irritating me.. Current Mood: empty Current Music: autumns monologue - from autumn to ashes |
| 2:56p | ok, lets get this over with... on weds. me n amanda were crossin the street from dunkin donuts to cumberlands and a car comes flying around the corner, i saw it and thought it would stop but it didn't, so i stopped and i guess amanda thought that it had stopped, and got hit. i remember watching the car go by, hearing *whumph* *shudder* and looking over and seeing amanda on the hood, then seeing her on the ground and thinking 'omg run to amanda' i don't remember running to amanda, and my human anat./phys. teacher said its cuz of psycogenic memory or sumthinglike that *my minds way of keeeping my self protected from being too traumatized* and next thing i knew i was stopping in front of amanda, and blah blah, some one called 911, they wouldn't let me in the ambulance cuz im a minor *curses ppl* lol, and so yeh, i called my mom on this guys cell phone, and my parents called amandas mom, and to make a long story short, amanda has a broken pubic bone *in the hip* but other than that she's fine. fun no? arg, yesterday i saw damon after skool, he called my boots gay. fuck you! lol there spectacular, so after that i went on amanda d.'s bus w/ megan and amanda and we hung out there then iza came over around 4 sumthing and then travis picked us up and we were drivin to go to the mall and who do we see? damon w/ sum guy meeting up w/ heather testa *grr* and seirra i think and sum one else and i started to cry and amanda was like no emily! cheer up! think randall! or think chris! or think of them both! cuz i was actually considering asking randall out yesterday but then i went to lunch and saw chris *i like them both if you couldn't already guess* and got too confused so i didn't do anything. idk, i think i may go for chris cuz we talk to each other where as i know randall better, but we barely talk...so yeh. idk. damon ruined my partially good day. :'( idk y i get like this when i see him but oh well. i called him b4 cuz i had to ask him a question, but no one answered so yeh. i gg now cuz i have to get ready to go to my cuzins house. so ill ttyl |
| 3:35p | Regret Hold me close and tell me that everything will soon be okay Lie to me, tell me that things will be better by the end of the day Hold me and tell me that you'll always be here Don't let me cry.. not a single tear Tell me that my pain isn't worth the years Hold me close and protect me from my fears Ask the lord for me why I must suffer Ask him why he just couldn't make me tougher Be my angel, and make me strong Please tell me that what I did wasn't wrong Convince me that the blood seeping from my skin Is nothing bad, not even a sin Tell me that I did it from pain And at the moment I wasn't sane Hold me close and forgive me, because I went against my word I told you I would never do it again and I know you heard Running the blade across my wrist For some pathetic reason that I've missed So please hold me close and comfort me Be the strength that I can't be Tell me that you need me here Tell me that losing me is your worst fear Just maybe then I'll decide to stay Atleast just for you, and maybe just for today I need someone to help me through this I need a helping hand, not just a kiss Please hold me close and tell me you care Be honest to me and tell me life isn't fair I feel like the world has turned it's back on me I feel like grabbing my razor and setting the pain free Seems as if no one could understand the way I feel Seems as if I'm living in a nightmare and nothing is real So please do me the sweet favor of holding my hand Holding me up so I'm able to stand Be my angel, and make me strong Please tell me that what I did wasn't wrong Convince me that the blood seeping from my skin Is nothing bad, not even a sin Tell me that I did it from pain And at the moment I wasn't sane Hold me close and forgive me, because I went against my word I told you I would never do it again and I know you heard -Me |
| 9:53p | heeyyyyyy hey everybody eh i cut the otha day :-/ not 2 bad cuz i had nuttin 2 cut with. i hadta get a saw frum my dads work shop. that sucked. i shouldnt cut :-( grr i was just upset about my boyfriend cuz me and him had a lil fight but we r cool now. so yea whats up all? i g2g ttyl <3 alycia Current Mood:  anxious |
| << Previous Day |
2003/11/08 [Calendar] |
Next Day >> |