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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 7:32a | So I got a Live Journal! Ahhh. Ummm...I joined a cut community much like this one, but it's definitely not the same. I missed you guys. But It was sorta neat because they wanted us to put this thingie survey thing in when you're new. so here's mine for your enjoyment. === Yeah.. I'm new. umm..I used to be a Blurty whore and I still am, but I was looking for an LJ cutting place community thing... umm...i guess I'll put this little survey thing in that all the other kids are putting in. =========== Name: Nikki Age: 17, 18 tomorrow!! Type: what? How long have I been cutting...?: 2 years or so Probs?: typical cutter kid. but i've never been properly diagnosed. My life right now?: is going nowhere Why do I cut?: i cut because I really have no other way of dealing with things. 1. How did you "discover" cutting (or burning, or whatever you do)? I discovered it when I put a safety pin to my arm. how else do you find it? 2. What happened the first time you ever tried it? My arm bled. 3. Who knows that you do it? my mom, most of my friends. 4. Do you hide it or let it show? why hide them? it's an art. 5. How does self injury affect your personal relationships? a lot of people say they're "worried" about me, but whatever they don't act any different 6. Do you think you'll ever be able to stop? I haven't cut for a while. but...I dunno, I've wanted to lately. whatever happens. ===== voila! Other than that I'm alright. I've got some new scratches, but they were from my kitten. Strangely enough, they sorta work for me. They bled a little surprisingly. she's got some sharp claws! And what's cooler about that, is that they can be anywhere on my arm and I can sneak some other ones that are small and say that my cat did them! Oh aren't I the lucky one? Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: Saved By The Bell Theme |
| 11:49a | Hi I'm new to this community. My name is Sarah and I am 15 years old. I have been cutting for the past 3 years. I first started because I was being bullied. My parents didn't believe me and I had no friends to turn to. I managed to give up for a while then I restarted over a guy. I know how stupid that sounds. But he hurt me bad. But I am not strong enough to cope without cutting. I don't know any other way to cope. I feel I have no friends to turn to. That I am only in this world. No one I know seems to understand how I am feeling. When they see my scars they just think I am doing it for attention, they don't realise that I need help. A few people I know have done it but they seemed to have done it for fun. They think its great to show off their scars and have people ask what they are from. I feel ashamed and embarrassed when people ask. I don't want them to know why because I know they won't understand. They will judge me for some stupid little school girl that wants attention. I was told by who I thought was a friend that I should look at myself. She is pretty much perfect. Shes pretty, slim, has a boyfriend and a nice family. She told me that no one wants me, I have no one in this world. That I shouldn't ever be here. That she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I ignored her but now it seems shes has a point. I don't have anyone. I cam close to having someone then he turned and left just like everyone else has. I really need some help but who can I go to? I can't go to my mum she doesn't get whats goin on. My dad will just shout and get angry. Plus I'm scared that he will hit me or something. My friends have all gone they don't want to know. I am alone it seems. I'm just stupid little Sarah. The unwanted little girl that is just there to get in peoples way. I'm tired of being that way. Why don't people want to know me and look over my bad points and see the good in me. I don't know where I will end up but I'm sure things can only get worse. There doesn't seem a way out of this hole |
| 3:36p | tears for fears yea.. so .. horrible day at school.. ; [ i was up late with stuff, then i woke up early. suprisingly i was hyper as fuck, but that all changed when my depression set in yet again. so because of lastnite, i had to go into skool with this stupid thing on my arm, it was aleg warmer.. but i wore it on my arm. and it was itchy so i took it off.. then i put on a sweaty, then i took it off for gym, and i lost it.. so not only was i cold, but i had nothing to hide my arm with. so i was OUT of it the whole day.. i almost cried at the begining of 5th period. it was the stupidest thing that set me off too.. usually me and mike walk together after 4th and he was just liek w.e. im not goin that way.. and walked away.. for sum reason that REALLY pissed me off.. so i just walked off tryin not to cry, so chorus 5th cheered me up a bit. me ans kerry stared at the girls with the matching green bookbags.. hehe.. theyre soo fun to annoy ; ] but then after that it was spanish.. with morris.. damn i hate her so much. i go to walk into her class.. and shes liek "ur staying after today rite" and i said.. "no.. for what?" and she started bitching about how i had a test to make up.. so i was just liek.. u shooda told me about it a long time ago.. and she was just liek its a zero.. so i said fine.. i really dont care im failing anyways.. so yea.. then it was a 'quiz' and the rwest of my time writing a note to may. abut sumthing that happened last nite. i find myself to be very clever.. i took aopart my flashlite and filled it with pills, then i fille dmy mint can with pills and a razor.. heh.. well anyways.. 7th sucked too.. lunch. i think the girls with the matching backpacks are stalking me.. cuz they were there.. hehe.. but it was just me amanda and erin.. i dont like erin that much. *shrug* o well.. then tawny came.. i tried to write a bit but didnt get anywhere.. so then miek ditched me again, and i went to math, which i hate. sum bitch kayla b. and htem.. i hate them.. and my teacher.. man i hate her. so i just sit sleep and write every math period. which also means im failing. o darn. and i have writers block, hich sux soo much.. ; [[[[[[ i feel liek i cant write. i dunno why. i just feel completely talentless, liek anyone can write beter than me. its rather discouraging. ; [ i get frustrated and then want to cut ove it. cuz i feel liek a loser. so many thing upset me.. im not getting anywhere. and i cant stand feeling helpless, and liek everyone hates me. i dunno if its tru or not. i feel liek such a bad person for everything. especially mr.ed.. i cant believe i ever said that to her. ; [[[[[ and i cant stand everyone bitching to me.. and i feel bad that i cant help everyone cuz i reall ylove everyone btu no one loves me as much as i love them ; [[[ and the whoel fact that i am feeling feelings for sumone i shoodnt is very distrubing to me. cuz its already been said and done,a dn shoodnt have to be said and done again.. yet it is.. well at least for me.. i would liek to just cut out my heart. i think ill cut myself away to nothing. chop myself up.. leaving only my heart for people to stomp all over ; [[[[[ yea.. well.. i dunno.. this cutting stuff.. i cant stand it. every inch of my body shakes when i see a razor. shakes cuz i want it.. shakes cuz i dont want it anymore. i think its sick that im liek this.. doos anyone agree? w.e.. i wanna go to therapy.. i really do.. but i dunno how to go about getting into it.. i cant just say "hey mom i cut myself really ad.. alot.. all the time.. send me to therapy" i cnt.. sumone tell me how to get inot therapy.. anyone Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: brand new [x] 70 times 7 |
| 5:15p | Well I read over my entrys and it turns out that Tom seems to be right. I did believe Phil over him. I just didn't realise what I had written. I totally forgot about it. I feel so so stupid!! I can't believe that I wrote that stuff. Yeah I guess thats what I felt then but now I feel so much worse. All I want to do is go and grab that razor that is hidden in the bottom of my drawer along with my diary. I just want a few minutes release from the pain that is happening in my heart and the gut wrenching pain that knows deep down that things will never get any better. I was talking to George yesterday in English. I hardly ever talk to her but she listens to me when I need a chat. Its a weird situation cuz we don't actually talk. We write each other notes I explain what is goin on and she trys to help. She knows about Tom and why I cut myself over him but all she said was he isn't worth it. I know that is what it seems like but to me he is. Its stupid to cut over one person but he means alot to me. I would do the same over other people but its him that is hurting me at the moment. I can't put the blame on him , its my own fault for writing what I did in those entrys but that was how I felt at the time. I didn't think that Phil might be lying to me. I didn't even want to consider that for one second. I just didn't realise that it was as insultin to him as it was plus he told me that he didn't read it anymore so in really he lied to me about that. But I'm not goin to hold a stupid thing like that against him. It doesn't matter how mush he tells me that he never wants to see me, I can't change the way I feel about him. Yeah the way I feel is like undying love but I really like him. He can say all the hurtful things he can all it will achieve is more tears and more scars on my body, my heart, my soul. Nothing more than that. I just want him to listen to what I have to say, and not disregard everything all the time. I know that I am not the perfect girl. I'm not as thin as a rake with golden blonde hair that wakes up an doesn't need to do anything to make her look pretty. But inside I am a caring person. He just needs to take the time to see that. I won't always run to the sharp end of a razor everytime things get tough but I need someone like him to be there so I have someone to talk to. I don't thin I ever will have him like that tho. I guess its to much to ask of someone like that. At school it seems that hardly anyone knows how depressed I am. I fake a smile and fake a laugh and everyone thinks I'm fine. They don't know that underneath my sleeve is a totally different story. They don't realise that I am really a lost little girl with no one to turn to because I manage to fuck up every friendship that comes my way. I can't deal with that anymore. I think it is best for everyone if they just forget about me. I know most of them have pretty much done that anyway but still it would be best if they all did now. That way I wouldn't get hurt and they wouldn't have to put up with me going on about my feelings all the time. They can be in their own happy little world, where no one like me can ruin it. I just want for once, to show a smile which I didn't have to fake. To show that I really am happy. Just like I used to be. Where I could join in with their fun and enjoy going to school, instead of sitting and staring out the window wishing they would all go away, that I could grab that pair of scissors on the table and reopen all those scars. To stop all these pictures of Tom and what he said from going round and round in my head. But I know that it will never turn out that way. Do You Love Me? The first time I saw you I knew I had found you The one my heart needs The one my heart would love For 15 years it has taken me to find you And I will never look back Cause you were worth every second You were worth the wait I only hope that you love me As much as I love you I will always be yours but will you always be mine My heart will go on loving you No matter what you do Please don't treat me worng For I don't no what I would do Believe me when i say I do love you |
| 5:53p | hey guess what, this week has gotten worse... i cut my wrist in math, i came home to an empty house, my mom bought my dad to the hospital.. long story.. he got surgry on his hand monday and ever since hes been locked in his room, so my my mom bought him there for evaluation and turns out hes fine and didnt OD on the drugs for the pain so now my mom just came home and packed a bag for him and went back... hes going down to the city and staying with my aunt for god knows how long...i dont care.. its weird this whole time not one thought has crossed my mind about the sistuation i just feel whatever. i was pissed all day. when i came home i wanted to so bad take as many pills as possible but i oviously i didn't. i hate my mom right now. shes been a bitch all week. i dont care that my dads gone, hes probably never comming back, all i want to do is sit in my room cut, and OD. i have so much anger in my right now.. i'm not sure from what. at least i have you guys to get me threw this. Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: Marquee>Santana feat.Alex Band /// Why_Dont_You_And_I |
| 5:57p | my feelings... hey again. just thought id share whats been going on in my life. well lately ive been lonelier than ever and ive been crying at random points... and ive been cutting alot more lately. more like slashing out of anger, than self-pity. i guess you can say im angry at the world.. angry with..myself. but anyways continueing on. theres no one to really run to.. or talk to anymore since ive been trying to keep to myself. i feel like the world around me has someone. as in.... everyone is asking someone out that i know and its all working out for them, and here i am... havent had a guy in 2 years and no one is interested in 'poor gothic me'. whatever that may mean anyways... ok so yea im a freak. im not normal. im far from perfect and pretty. i do alot wrong. im a failure. ok. that felt good to get out. IM A FUCKING FAILURE. ok. better. i feel rejected from the rest. i found myself walking with a small group of people today. not intereacting with them, but to try to look like i had some friends. they all were dating someone, but me. it gets a little tireing. i know i dont deserve love. ive been through alot of heartache with it. followed and fell for someone last year for the whole school year who ended up asking someone else in the end..... than i found a guy who liked me... but i rejected him cus of not being able to love myself... plus i wasnt too interested in him... as mean as that may sound... but it wasnt his fault. than i went to a guy who seriously led me on but things broke apart between us as he admitted to not "likeing me like that".... than i found another one who seemed so perfect in ever way... was the sweetest thing.. called me... led me on..............suddenly he stops talking to me and i never hear from him again and i try calling him but he makes it seem like hes busy.. he seemed like "the one" too... it wasnt fucking fair.... than i found another kid... but he flirted with every girl in the school so it didnt make me feel any different from the rest... than finally i find some other dude who... tried to use me... ok that was all in a row just to let you know. i dont wanna sound like i cut over guys. so heres another thing thats been going on in my fucking life. my parents fight every night. my dad is overly-compulsive and makes me feel like shit. he regrets having me. he argued with my mom and my mother stepped out of the house the other night and didnt come back until 2 hours later. that just made me want to hurt myself even more. than theres the fact that i dont have anyone to run to in school. more like aquaintances to me than "friends". my real friends were with me over the summer. of course they dont live in my town. i talked with my cousin earlier and was glad to hear that i wasnt the only one who missed the summer... she misses it too and so does the rest of the "crew". they say things will be better this summer... if i can hold out for that long, than that will be great. its hard to think of suicide now when you've lost one of the people you knew to it about 2 months ago. i cant believe its been 2 months already. but i cant help but to want to end it with myself cus really my life has no point. i believe people would mourn.. and than eventually live on with their lives day by day... they'd get by. im no different from any other person who has problems. and even though i seek help, i dont think its going to get my anywhere. im glad i have you all that i can share my feelings with. im sorry for taken up half an entry... but i needed to get shit off my chest. by just saying "i want to die" wouldnt have explained why. but this is all why and im seriously suffering inside... i dont know what to do anymore. Current Mood:  lonely |
| 8:06p | Poem If things just seem to only get worse, You can’t seem to finish this chapter, Or even read the next verse, Just remember, that it isn’t you reading, It’s your life, you fill the pages, No matter what anyone says to you, You’re book will live on through the ages. Don’t look down, only look up, Don’t let your thoughts turn to that cup, It isn’t half-full, it isn’t half empty, Don’t let those thoughts bring you down, You tipped the liquid out, it’s all on the ground, Don’t cry over spilt milk, get up and move on, You’ll be walking through the streets, and singing a bright song. Don’t aim for the stars, they’re not that far away, Aim for another galaxy, that’s what the wise say, If you can’t help but cry at night, You lie in bed staring at the sky with tears in your eyes, If you can’t think of a wish to make on the stars, Don’t bother wishing upon them, One day you can be one of them. If the ocean of work seems to deep, Hope in your heart you should always keep, If the world seems to be a living hell, There’s always someone you can tell, There’s always people that can help you up, Even if it seems like nothing can bring you out, Solving problems is what life is about. So get out into the world, Come out from the ball you’ve curled, Let the world know who you are, You aren’t someone that is a tiny star, You are as big as the sun, You aren’t just like everyone, You are you. And there’s nothing you can’t break through. ~~~ Okay, I haven't posted here before... but I'm Tamara... and I've cut for around a year now... That poem was done in one of my better moments... Tamara |
| 8:49p | "you don't know how lovely you look tonight" no cutting since thursday, still. but why am I not proud? I think that I still want to cut. No, I *know* that I still want to cut. I think that what i really want to stop, is having to hide my cuts/scars. how do you guys hide your cuts/scars? or do you not hide them? right now, i'm waiting for the cuts on my right lower leg to start healing. i think I cut too deep. the sad face i made.. that's crying bloody tears.. (its so beautiful) has barely started to heal and that was from like.. two weeks ago. it didn't even seem that deep, although it bled for a long time. grr. you'd think just cutting on my lower leg during winter when I wear pants would be good enough to hide it? but ah well. maybe I should start to teach myself to cut in more discreet (is that a word?) places. but what would that be? my thigh? stomach? no.. not my stomach.. i happen to like my stomach.. whatever. Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: coldplay - the scientist |
| 9:30p | everythings really fucked up now. I'm trying to talk myself out of not cutting. It's getting cold so there's now a reason to wear long sleeves. I hate everyone so much right now. I fucking hate life. I hate friends. I mean, how many fucking times do they have to fuckin screw me over? I dunno, the whole fucking story is in my own journal..it's friends only. I really need some fucking help. What I really need is just an escape from life. But I'm not gonna fucking go back to drugs. Everythings fucked up. I hate everyone Current Mood: SUICIDAL |
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