Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Time	Event
12:10a	off subject i want to cut but i cant. i dont know why. its anoying. maybe i should just go for it. is it weird that i want someone to die? not to freak anyone out but i dont know where to write this. i mean i want to cry but everytime i try i cant. and im trying not to admit it to myself but i want someone to die. i cant even explain it. i'm freaking myself out that i'm thinking like this. i dont know what to do or say about it. i dont know who i want to die. maybe someone i love.... is it ok to think like this? i mean... ive had this thought in my head for a while now.. i wrote it in my blurty a while ago about Tony Lovato dieing... and how i wouldnt stop crying... maybe i'm just looking for an excuse to cry. i dont know but this thought wont go away.... -sorry to get off topic. i jsut needed to get that out manda Current Mood: weird Current Music: Trapt.. Echo (5 Comments | Comment on this)
3:29a	i dont know what to say im awake ::blinks:: at 3am for no reason i cant sleep fvcking insomnia yet again what the hell is wrong with me?? (2 Comments | Comment on this)
2:35p	i carved die into my arm over a few other faded scars from the past and i didnt realize how deep i cut and now i have a small deep gash that made the "i". but now i feel so weak idk how im even typing i feel so sick and destroyed. i cannot cry anymore either. (4 Comments | Comment on this)
4:59p	so i was on the phone with my friend, well we're more than friends i suppose, and we were just talking about nothing. anyway, he knows that i cut right, and he just... he randomly said this, and i mean... i know how stupid it must sound, but no one has ever said it to me before. "julia?" he says, he knows that i hate it when people call me julia, he just said it to get my attention, "yeah?" i laugh. "i want you to stop cutting". i just sat there for about thiry seconds and then said "okay." i intend on doing just what i said. i will not cut. it's been up and down for... gosh... a long time, years on end, that i have been cutting. i love him, he loves me, i won't do it again. i know that i will need your help sooner rather than later with this. i'm not leaving. j (10 Comments | Comment on this)
7:27p	i wrote something if you asked to see my arms, you'd see purple fading lines, x's and a heart. Fading to the naked eye, yes. So I've stopped cutting on the outside, you think I'm okay. but you're further from the truth than you've ever been. I have too many scars to stop now it's too big a part of my life. So I've stopped cutting on the outside, that was just for you because you wanted me to. and you're so naive to think this is all over. Anyone can look in mmy eyes and tell there are more cuts inside me than I have room on my skin to make. ==== got bored, so I wrote that last night. I think it's pretty cool. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "Buildings and Bridges" - Ani DiFranco (6 Comments | Comment on this)
8:53p	its the end of the world as we know it today my gramother got my drug test back and boy was she estactic ( sarcasm) lets see what showed up..almost every drug known to man that i can get my hands on..so my face met the baseball bat for another time and my head is killing me and my grandaddy hit me right in the jaw one time and i herd it pop outta place and later i just punched my jaw and it popped back into place..so later my friend jimmy came over and it was really hot in my room so i took my sweatshirt off and hes like..why do you keep doin this to yourself..i dont want you dead and blah blah blah i kinda zoned out after awhile cause thats what they all say and they dont get why i do it cause they dont know my life and such..i move my jaw and it clicks now i have to admit im finding it amusing -spikey Current Mood: cold Current Music: pod [x] will you (2 Comments | Comment on this)
10:32p	Being High makes it all better. IT makes me forget my miserable life for a short time. I still haven';t cut,, its been kinda hard but some days i don't really want to and then other times. I love my scars i don't undertstna dwhat people don;t love about them. They are me!!! Things were alittle better today i got to hang out wiht him today. WE still don't understnad why all of a sudden he hates me. I wish i knew.. I told her everything that i am so sad... i dont kno if she really cares she is suposted to be my best friend. I am happy she is happy but i am sad. I like him i don't kno why... i haven;t told her but she knos me well enough to kno wiht out me telling her. There isn't school tomrow i am so happy. i am kinda having a hard time but i am going to try and get it right this time. Current Mood: high Current Music: Garbage I'm only happy when it rains (Comment on this)

<< Previous Day

2003/11/03 [Calendar]

Next Day >>