Sunday, November 2nd, 2003

Time	Event
3:35p	i can't tolerate all of this anymore. everything is making me sick. physically and emotionaly. i just feel so much bitter anger and hate towards everything. i can't deal with a lot. i'm just trying to relax but my parents constantly have this need to distrub me. and then all they do is complain about how things aren't going right for them. and then my dad just keeps talking and talking about something that dosen't matter at all. honestly, it dosen't. he just needs to keep his mouth open for an hour complaining about how the company is going when everyone knows it's going bad so why does he have to keep blabbering about something which obviously NO ONE CARES about. i have no patience for them anymore. all they do is talk about them selves and then they take time out of the day to call me a bitch. and to stop being a bitch. arg. just so much anger and it's just so fustrating and it all builds up and then you start crying because there's so much and it's so overwhelming. i just can't deal with it all anymore and i'm sitting here thinking about and it's just too much. i don't want to be here at all. i want to be with andy. and i wish i was talking to him. but he's playing at a show right now. i want to do something fun but i know i can't go out anywhere becuase "that's completly out of the question" becuase why on earth would i EVER want to leave the house to go somewhere. and why on earth would i have friends wanting me to go see a movie. jesus christ. do they think i'm human or something. (if you didn't catch it... that was sarcasm). and i keep seeing and hearing things more and more and it's so fustrating. and i need to pee. and all these small things are just bothering the hell out of me and i want it all to just stop. like the fact that i think that this community seems like it's dieing. and how in dead journal no one posts anymore. bah. and i want to cut. well there i go. much better. (1 Comment | Comment on this)
4:07p	beeping slut so yes.. ive had an amazing two days.. and i really needed it. i really truely did. becasue i think if i had not had those two days, id be in my own self produced hell. i havent cut in a a while, cuz i simply have NO energy to. it kinda sux cuz i really want to. may n lo taugfht meh how to burn myself with an icecube, its so lame but it doesnt take much. and it hurts too.. and it looks cool when u take the ice cube off, but then it just leaves liek a red mark or makes my skin like.. curtle almost. its werid. it hurts alot on my wrist, liek alot alot.. i held sum on today for 28095692375 hours, till it melted. it STILL didnt do much tho. im just a nerd looking for a way to realise sum pain. hah. my parents havent been on my case for awhile, its odd.. cuz normally they;re up my ass about everything. how i dress, how i talk, how i eat, all the activities i do, my grades, my room and its clenlyness, my friends, my intelligance, my status in life.. its so annying, id shoot them if i cuold, but i dont feel liek being arrested. another thing, i cant leave comment son this community, cuz everyone has blocked annoymus comments, but i cant leave my user name cuz blurty is being a nazi and wont lwet me comment with my user name.. so yes.. that is why i do not comment.. and im sorry.. om planning on eating candy and doin homework all nite, cuz im gunna get my ass grounded if i fail.. everything.. like i am.. my grades go down the drain when i cut and stuff.. too much drama.. fuck this.. Current Mood: weird Current Music: relient k [x] forward (Comment on this)
5:56p	die young and save yourself. well im updating here again since i feel if i dont update for a while, i dont wanna be considered out of this community. just wanted to say that im weak and numb.. and i have a damn fever so im sick again. lately ive been tired and careless of everything and everyone around me. idk everything is just the same and..pointless. i lost alot of my 'summer friends' aka - starbucks crew. we would hang out in back of starbucks every night in the summer. now i dont talk to those people anymore. my other good girl friend is wrapped around her boyfriends finger so she barely talks to me anymore and we never hang out anymore. and when we do hang out, she drags her boyfriend along and he hates me and my cousin... so its a quiet car ride to the movies and.. than home..and..yeah. it sucks. things have changed so much.. ever since Kurt died... alot of people have faded off. Will for instance. him and i were so close and i thought we would become something. but of course he left me empty just like everyone else. i feel no one cares anymore and if they dont care, than im not going to care either. my weekends used to be so much better than this. school has become a burden. im failing my classes. my weekends are boring now. im so disgusted with the person ive become. i wish i could be happy.. normal.. anything but this. i might have to go on medication soon. my mom still hasnt yet to call her health insurance to see what local psychiatrists there are....this just makes me feel like she doesnt care and shes not taking my suicide habits to heart, and this just makes me..idk..not important i guess. last thursday i didnt have my psychologist appointment so im going crazy without having someone to talk to. my "friends" from school all went to halloween parties and shit that i wasnt invited to. some "friends" they are... last night i slept over my cousins house. she happens to be my best, and only friend now. she offered me to wear a long sleeved shirt for bed since she knows and understands how i cut. this made me happy though that she doesnt have a problem with it anymore. i mean she knows nothing and no one will stop me. i cant even stop myself. its now become a part of me. but atleast shes one who realizes it... 9 more days until we go back to the city. hopefully i will smile again. music has become my number one priority. no more guys. no more friends. no more society. im all alone. and ive learned to accept it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: the way we used to x a cutthroat kiss (Comment on this)
8:46p	"..and you won't even remember to miss me" last night... i was in boxer-type shorts cause i had just gotten out of the shower, and my mom walked in and I was putting in my contacts and in a fairly good mood so i didnt even think about all the cuts/scars on my leg.. and my mom goes, "what happened to your leg..?" and i knew she knew what happened. so i didnt bother lying. i just said, "nothing." and put my pants on over my shorts really quick. her: let me see..? me: no. her: please? me: no. her: why are you doing this? me: i'm not.. i stopped.. that's from a couple weeks ago.. (lies.. it was two days before) me: just go away.. her: no i want to talk to you me: well i dont want to. i have nothing to say. just go away. ughh. she wants to go to fvcking family therapy. i refused. i was doing good too. i havent cut in three days. i decided to stop. it's very hard. but i want to stop. I stopped last year, and i can stop again. But last year, me and my friend (she also cut and wanted to stop) took everything we used to cut.. our razors, our sharpest safetypins, and some matches that we burned ourselves with.. and threw them into the garbage. and that was that. i was starting over. i was going to be happy. but this time, it's different. i'm not ready to throw out my razors. and i dont have someone with me who's trying to stop too. it's by myself. and i'm not good by myself. i'm not good at ANYTHING if i have to do it by myself. i'm scared. it sounds odd, but i'm scared to stop cutting. i like to cut. but i don't want to. i feel like.. i dunno. , i feel like cutting is holding me back from being happy. but when i'm sad.. it's the only way i know how to deal with pain. i want to stop.. but it's so hard. Current Mood: contemplative (9 Comments | Comment on this)

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