Saturday, November 1st, 2003

Time	Event
11:17a	Its funny when you think someone is talking about you in a way that you are feeling right now athen you find out htey really weren;t talking about you. Its sad when you care for people and they don';t even give a shit. Like the 2 people i thought were my close friends. They all hate me, I odn't uindetstand why he hates me i dont kno what i did. If i knew i would do everything i could to fix it. Them hating me makes me hate myself even more. I hate me so more. I knew this was going to be a bad week its those days agian. the oct 25 to today nov 1. I love my freind Joy. She is the only one that still careas acbout me. when i cut myself she is the only one that cares. I don't kno what i would do without her. I probbly would have killed myself. And that she doesn't care if i call her crying and waking her up. In the good stuff i haven';t cut in a long time. but thats becasue i can't i just can't i have no way to hide it and its a big thing. I want to but i dont want to. I don't really kno, i really just wnana kill myself and get it over wiht. i think i am also going to stop smoking i don't have anyone tgo smoke wiht anymore now taht he hates me. and My firend that i do smoke wiht is there wiht ouit me. I went there for 3 years everyday and now i'm not allowed there. IT makes me want to cry. Right when i started liking him he started hating me. I thought we were freidns but i guess not. sorry to bother everyone about my drama............. Current Mood: I hate myself Current Music: 3 Days Grace I Hate Everything (1 Comment | Comment on this)
12:09p	ok well i am new here but im not... so yeah. my old journal was suspened, and now i have this one, i have to start all over again... that sucks but oh well. razedinblack, sorry if my entries about what was going on with my boyfriend and i offended you... i didn't mean to just talk about that. theres more to it then justwhat i write though. So yeah... wow everything is going good and terrible at the same time... so yeah. i dont know what to do any more. my boyfriend found out i was smokin again... and he didn't leave me like he had said he was going to if i started again. but now he makes all these mean joke and i get hurt and why he asks me whats wrong i dont want to tell him because i always get the same response. He'll be like "whats wrong," and i go "im hurt" and then he says "why are you hurt? you dont have a reason to be hurt. im the one who should be hurt." and then he gets all pissy. but i suppose thats ok... just another person who doesn't love me. so yeah. i dont mind those. Also my not cutting record went to hell. im the past 3 days i have cut *counts* 20-21 times. so yeah. wow and i was doing really good. on top of all that i really miss my mom, and i like to talk to her on the phone, but whenever i see her she is always drunk, and all she does is call me a slut and tell me i need to drees differently and change me clothes *which by the way are fine, and very unreviling* and then she'll be like "i love you, you are my baby girl"... uuuugghhh i just dont get it. so yeah. wow i feel like no one loves me. but thats not much of a change, no one ever has. wow u guys probably dont care about me wither and seeings as i am most likely a nusciance i will go... so yeah... bubye Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Dashboard Confessional, Hands Down (Comment on this)
8:20p	love me..kill me..whatever im sorry if im ranting or whatever but it what i have to say..i so fuckin sick of the girl i consider my best friend lying to my face while she is looking me in the eye..im sick of the girl i call my best friend looking me in the eye and telling me i dont care and i dont understand her issuses..im sick of the girl i call my best friend telling me she cares and then is never there when i need her..im not just sick of her..im sick of me..im sick of being depressed and distant..im sick of my hate..and im sick of caring so much about everything and people i love not caring back..im sick of telling my saposind friends i love them and i care and they can talk to me..and they never listen..im sick of everything..and im sorry about everything..sorry im bi..sorry im not who everybody wants me to be..im sorry i pircie myself and im sorry i cut..im just sorry for being me..being the fuck up in the family and being fucked up..well i cant help it..if they want to send me away to the hospital even though im not mental then fine..send me to a pplace were im so druged on anti depressents that i cant speak..i thats what my grandmother says .. than fine..i give up the good fight.. sorry for being a fuckin emo kid.. oh and i anyone at all wants to talk ill listen my s/n is xslashxmyxthroat.. -spike Current Mood: suicidal Current Music: tears hitting the floor (2 Comments | Comment on this)
11:52p	Its almost over..... :-( Finally these bad days are almost over. I am so happy and hoping maybe everything will start gettitng better. Yeah right sure.. i don';t see things looking up for a while. I am so miserable, and i don't kno what to do. I don't think anyone cares that i'm like this. I hate myself so much, i have never felt this bad before. its crazy,i never thought i cared that much for him and that i would care so much if this happened. i knew everyone hated me. that kills me that people hate me it never used to bother me but now it does, things are so diffnent now wiht everything. i'm going crazy.. i keep telling my mom i wnana move tomrow. but if i moved i probbly would be just as sad. Then i would never find out what would be, or i should say what wouldn't be. all of thesefeelings started coiming from no where. and to kno that i will never be friends again just really makes me mad. It really sad that i am talking about this like this. Since no one i kno will read this thats ok. I hate telling people hgow i feel. no one ever really knos that i like him. so that not being able to be thjer and hang out with everyone kills me . I wish it was a few weeks ago. just to be like it was everyone there. me just being there. But then again i still haven't cut myself. I haven't since the night i took acid. I tripped so hard it was unexplainable. The best thing,....... Current Mood: blank Current Music: NoFx Lower (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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