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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 6:47a | another day of school.......i hate this.... Current Mood:  lonely |
| 9:16a | well...im new Hey you guys...im new..i used to be part of this community but i never posted and i figured i should because i think it will help to talk to some people who go through some of the same stuff as myself. Im courtney and ya if u wanna kno more u can ask... well yesterday..actually more the day before. was really bad. i dont even kno why. Probably because i forgot to take my meds like 4 day sin a row. So i dint feel alive. so i went to the bathroom at school and i cut. and i cut some more and ya it was bad. I had not cut in a month and that went down the toilet. i was so mad at myself i cut somemore. then it just made things worse and iw anted to die. so i went home and cried and slept and ya. Then yesterday i cut again cuz i was all sad. and i was like i dont wanna do this anymore. i mean i do but i dont. So i decided i was done for now. And i gave my one and only razor blade to Chris. I know that if i get deperate enough i will find something sharp and cut. but i HOPE i dont get that bad. at least for now. well i think im done. Sorry for any1 that read this it was prolly a waste of time. Thanks for takin the time though. xoxoxox much love courtney jayne Current Mood:  tired |
| 1:12p | help help. my life is feeling like im getting deeper and deeper into this hole of nothingness. I keep lying and i've been cutting more and more frequently and im loving it too much. i spend too much money and as a result havent paid rent in what is now like 5 months. And now the land lord wants to talk to me. Hes wanted to talk to me for a while but keeps coming around now hoping that im home so he can hassell me about it. I just want to be left alone. I havent been to uni all semester and im going to be expelled, that isnt one of those times where girls giggle and say they're going to fail then get an A on the test this time its really im going to be expelled. And my parents think im doing great at uni, once again back to the lying. Im using ben as an escape. Hoping that i can see him so i can forget everything. But im apprehensive about seeing him becuase ive been cutting all on my thighs and now they're healing and they look crazy, like crazy religious but thats not what they are. And tomorrow i have to go see friends from school and im getting nervous thinking they'll see my cuts too. its like all of a sudden this wave of fear has come over me and i just dont know what to do. Last time i felt like this i went to bed one night and had an anxiety attack got up and started cutting my wrists because the only thing i could think to do was die, so i cried and cut myself and wished when i went to sleep that i'd fall into oblivion and never wake up. i dont know what to do, help , advice would be appreciated SO much becuase im lost. |
| 2:54p | eep yea.. *blank stare* i searched my whole garage for a box cutter last nite.. and turned up empty handed. o well.. last nite i had a concert for chorus.. woohoo.. we sang like 18942375891723510826 songs. gawd it was horrible. i liked after the concert, hanging oot with my friendys. o well. haseesh.. these girls talk way to much crap aboot me, and its so effing annoying. i mean, i dont care cuz i never did anything to them anyways, but its shood be over with. theyre like.. 16 and STILL making fun of people. its so stupid. i think its my pants that gets them all wriled up. hehe.. especially my pink ones. these pants seem to make me stand out alot. i kinda like it tho. cuz its funny how sumthing so simple as a pair of pants gets people going. i mean.. i could understand not showering for a week. but i shower. so ... yea.. theyre just effin pants, i mean.. sumone ACTUALLY came up to TOUCH them.. JUST cuz they were pink.. its like.. jesus people get sum culture.. *cough* well.. halloweenie is tomorrow, and im liek.. a whore.. *cough* i dunno what to call it, but im dressing as a gangster for skool. -- my best friend called me up crying last nite, and i didnt know what to do. ive never been good with stuff liek that, especially pver the fone, cuz im like.. a contact person. lol. i didnt have anything to say, cuz actions speak louder than words. hehe.. so i just trie4d to tell her it would be okay. cuz when i broke down last week she was there for me..she cut.. i DIED.o0.. have i mentiopned last week yet? im not sure, well.. i went to my friend mikes hosue, with my best friedns [his g/f too] and first thing he does, is whip out a razor, a little miror shell thing, and sum tylenol codine pain killers for his arm [he broke it liek 312084710823 times] he crushed it up.. and sniffed it. which got lo [my best fried] all upset.. so then.. mike gives me one.. which eh tells me could knowck sumone out.. and i take it, on top of liek million tylenols i took before i went there. and i went fuckin crazy. he turned out the lites, and i was sitting in a corner, wrapped up in a blanket, crying my eyes out. i was pulling out my hair, and i didnt even have a reason. well i had a reason, but it was a bunch of reasons, all together inone. and a bunch i didnt wanna mention to anyone. so i felt liek shit cuz i was crying, at his house, and as usual fucking EVERYTHING up. lo and him were trying to calm me down but i justkept freaking. so me and lo went for a walk. and talked, and the nosey neighbors in the trailers were staring at us.. and i screamed and cried like a fucking baby. with her jsut there.. hugging me and telling me itd be okay, when we BOTH knew it wouldnt be. so as we go to walk back inside, mikes commingout. he walks to his backyard and blows up an m80 in his hand. hes a genious. and he was feaking out cuz he couldnt feel his hand and he got all these blood blisters on his hand. it was gross.. so he took a bunch of pain killers which got lo all upset again so she started crying, and i had my little ulcer st9omcahe ache, and mike was feraking out.. and lo was strill crying,.. and ugg it sucked. i hope i never have to experiance a nite like that again. -- i havent cut in a week.. maybe two.. and i want to. its a need to. not just a want. i just dont have energy. i think sumthings wrong but i cant know. and never will.. read my blurty if u want 'details'.. i dont feel liek typing it all out again. so yes lovely. i will part now.. ~kayla Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: im singing sum broadway thing from the concert last nite |
| 3:20p | id give it all away just to have somebody to talk to today was so..i cant even describe it..ack..so i started crying..broke down right in the midle of school..every fucking thing i keep inside i just broke down..so i got myself sitting in the guidence office between my best friend and my b/f while the conselor is staring at me and im crying and muttering fuck..she goes let it out dannielle..you can do it..god i hate my name..so what she wants me to tell the whole fucking world..want me to tell the world ill start here..so here i go..i remeber everything..i dont want to..i just want to forget.. so starting..when i was 5 my family still got along (kinda)..my mum was 21 and she came home with her new tattooed b/f that always smelt like smoke..she picked me up put me in the car and drove off to coneticut to live with him and his two sons..back then she was still aloud to do that..bob was 18 and fred was 16(his two kids).. we lived there until i was 7..every day almost my mum would get stoned and bitchy and look me in the eye and tell me i was making her do this..cause im a mistake..ruin her life..starting when she had me..16..she would bitch aat her b/f and he would hit her and throw things at her and they would scream and yell right infrot of me untill bobby came and picked me up and sat with me in my room..they had a huge fight when i was 7 and we left.. even though we didnt live with her b/f his sons still kept in touch and they babysit me when my mom went out drinking or she was in jail for the night..i remeber the cops coming and taking her away and leaving me with fred..my mum attempt suicide by overdosing on her medication..they took her to the mental hospital and my gram got custody of me..i hated her and she would beat me up whenever i did something that wast right by her standards or i didnt do good in schooland she really got pissed when i stayed back.i put up with it until 4th grade when i attempted suicide..i cut for 2 years after it..untill my best friend started having breakdowns over it so i stopped..everything got worse i 6th grade..at some party i fucked up got stoned and had sex with some high schooler,,after that i did drugs alot..drank alot..so on..over summer vacation between 7th and 8th grade i got pregnet and i got HIV..i got an abortion and i dint tell anyone for a year about what happend..i picked up cutting agian in 8th grade when mybest friend(the one who told me to stop) started burning herself..i had alot of b/f that beat me up..one that beat me up like every time i saw him and punched me if i said no..and he raped me..so i went out with this girl jenn..and i relized that girls and gonna beat the shit out of me..but i stil like guys to..so thats why im bi..ive been getting worse and worse and i lost a couple of friends cause i didnt stop cutting..and little shit that Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: linkin park [x] hit the floor |
| 3:32p | Today.. Today was.. ok, I guess. It is thursday, so I had my weekly therapist visit. Today's session was big, (for me anyway). I talked to her about Spurwink, and I told her that I didn't want to go. She totally backed me up, which might be turning out to be a bad thing. What if both my mom AND my psychiatrist dont agree with her? What if it is just my mom, (she DOESNT agree), and that puts her at the opposing end? I know all these people are trying to do what is best for me, but what if I don't WANT to take the easy route? I want to be back in REGULAR school, and soon. If my anxiety wont allow me to, no, I will NOT let my anxiety stand in my way. Anyways, back to my therapy session, I told her I was cutting, and this took me about 15 minutes to do, we even went over my time. I cried and felt extremely ashamed. And just before me and my mom arrived at the Dr.'s office, she (my mother) commented on them, saying, "you cut pretty deep this time." Then I got all defensive and told her that I didnt want to talk about it. After the session, I got pretty depressed so I went home and stuffed my face (I have Bulimia) and then slept. And just before I got on here, I read Cate Tierman's, "The Coven", Book 2. Great book. And that was my day. Pretty exciting, huh?? Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Linkin Park, Meteora |
| 4:24p | Today has been the first time that I've seen Mik and Laura kiss since last week... before me and Mik kissed. I don't know why he stays with her. Tomorrow is Mik's birthday. I hope I chill with him after school. You see, Mik and Laura are both my best friends. Mik deserves someone who will treat him better. Someone like...me? Yeah, someone like me. Not to sound concieted, but I know Mik and I will probably go out one day. Everyone says we make the perfect couple, so why cant he see that? On Friday when he was drunk, he was so sweet to me, sooo sweet to me. And I miss that alot. He kept telling me he loved me so much, and he kept thanking me for taking care of him --I was sober-- and he kept kissing me and making sure I wasn't too cold, and when I was crying he kept wiping my tears and kissing me. But he loves Laura.... "loves" Laura. See, I don't know who I'm being a better friend too. I love Mik and I love him more as a friend. But Laura has her points too. But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing as in not telling her that Mik cheated on her. And I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in telling Mik my secrets adn feeling about Laura or envolving her. Yes, I want them to break up so much but, their gonna be having a kid together in January, yes we're only 15. But Laura can find any other guy. And Mik can find some girls, and they both can fall in love with someone else. But Mik will never love anyone as much as he loves --lust I think-- Laura. Mik always tells me that he will never love anyone as much as he loves Laura, and he says that he will compare all of his future girlfriends to Laura. So if Mik and I go out I know where it would go, or not go. I just wish Mik would see that we're perfect for each other. He tells me everything and we're both so real around each other. He called me his bestfriend the other night....I wonder if it's true. So now I'm contemplating whether I should psuh down harder on the nife that was held to my wrist or not. I told my therapist and all my friends that I had stopped cutting, but sometimes it's teh answer to my problems, the solution too...but... Please, be my friend? If someone would like to help me with my problems then please do. My blurty is friends only and there you canr ead all about what happened Friday night with Mik and everything. Current Mood: sad |
| 6:56p | Just posting to let you all know that I'll be leaving this community, because it's gone to hell. I'm sick of reading about people's immature boyfriend problems, like that's the only reason people ever cut. Cutting is also an art, and should not be used by little teenyboppers to hurt themselves when their boyfriends cheat. Get a new boyfriend, and move on. Life is not surrounded by boys, and there are certainly people like me who have bigger problems than love. Much bigger. Furthermore, I am just plain sick of people calling themselves "crazy", or "insane". Some of us (like me) really do have mental problems and feel as though we're being joked about every time someone says something like "omg I went to the psychiatrist and I think I'm totally crazy for going there, but like I'm so sick of my life cause it sucks and like my boyfriend left me I think I'm going insane". Just... shut the fuck up. Those of us who really have problems in the head do not appreciate it. Thanks to those of you that were here and supportive back when the community was great - it seems like such a long time since then. I'll still be cutting, I just don't feel like sharing it with you people. Bye. Current Mood:  annoyed |
| 10:11p | Mommie Dearest.. I feel like killing myself. I haven't been so depressed in so long, I don't know what to do. My mom is on my ass, always saying she is going to kill HERSELF and shit like that, and yelling at me and everyone else. I hate her right now. She is the one putting me in this depression. I can't be around her right now, but her comments are following me around, they are inside my head, being played over and over again. She doesnt realize what it does to me. All I can think about is cutting... "regret" The blade lingers upon her skin, tears come but do not last. The blood creeps to the surface, and for a moment, she forgets her past. As she stares into the dark red liquid, she wonders why it does not hurt. She thinks of deadly things, knowing suicide is not something with which you should flit. But it was so intriguing, as she sits there with nothing to live for, the option in her grasp, all she had to do in cut once more. So she presses hard this time, and makes a wide incision, the blood flows darker now, but there will be no tomorrow to regret her decision. Copyright © 2003 ashley n. www.poetictimes.com Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Nirvana, Bleach |
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