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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:00p | "Haunted" I have been writing more lately. And I haven't cut for almost a week. I have the urge to all the time. I saw my fellow cutter, Bethanie today. She hasn't cut for a really long time. And she is in love. Sometimes I hate her. I wish that my life was as easy as hers. I know her pain is real, but she just has it easy. Even she admits it. Urg.. I hate her right now. But I guess it is just jealousy right? Of course it is.. "Haunted" Allow me to show you inside my demented mind, where morbid, evil things lurk, that no where else you will find. Let me show you deep within my soul, black and stained with filthy sins. Peer into these hellish nightmares, that I have openly welcomed in. See my inner demons, hear the taunting whispers. Listen to these thoughts, that come in constant spurs. Savor the salty aftertaste of my blood in your mouth, Lick my open sores. Feel the weight of these damned streets, full of beckoning whores. The putrid smell of death lingers here. Everything is dieing, I no longer have anything to fear. Copyright © 2003 ashley n. **PoeticTimes.com** This poem is about being conflicted, and thinking about suicide. The beckoning whores is really you selling the idea of death to yourself. This girl is being haunted by her inner demons and is writing out what she sees/feels/thinks inside her head. Thank you for reading my poem. I hope you enjoyed it. -ashley Current Mood:  crushedCurrent Music: Nirvana, "Smells like teen spirit" |
| 12:52p | **And Machine Pressed Stop** * * * * * * I have my History 102H midterm tonight at 7pm and Im pretty sure I'm going to fail it. Ive been in skool since 9:30am. My first class was a bit boring so I was poking myself with my led pencil. Then I had a class at 11am and there was no one in the room. So I took my razor out from my compact and cut my right arm. Then some securities came in and told me that the building was being evacuated because it smelled like fire or something. So I just stayed in the room, thinking.. gee I wana die. But then they let everyone back into the building. Only the 3rd and 4th floor were evacuated. Then some chik saw my arm and was like.. "o my god, ur bleeding!" and i was like.. oh.. paper cut? and went to sit. Then the teacher told us class was canceled cus the smell was too strong or sumthing.. I didnt smell anything. Then some guy...(::sights::) was like.. oh u cut urself huh? on purpose? and I just smiled. He said.. I used to burn myself before. So now its around 1pm, and I have to wait untill 7pm to take my midterm. Gee! How Fun. On another note, I havent talked to my ex.( I call him my ex cus he wont call). So yeah...I'm single again..and hopefully I can get back with my ex girfriend. I have bad luck with men. agh! Beloved ::DarK:: * * * * * * Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: *Kathy's Song* |
| 1:00p | im falling again didnt go to school once again. i overslept when i heard the alarm go off i shut it off and just fell back to sleep. really didnt feel like waking up to another pointless day of school. im slacking off. but its not like i had alot to do today anyway aside for a chem. test and maybe start shooting our mini movie in film making. but whatever. im not important. another reason is... i went to sleep last night on a bad note. i listened to linkin park and wrote disturbing images and writings in my book. than i took the knife and cut again. but this time was different. i ran the position of the knife up and down instead of left to right near my wrist. i just keep irritating it and felt my skin tear open and watched the blood ooze out. just like my worries draining from me. i felt tears in my eyes but i didnt cry. i just knew what i was doing felt so right. i was safe. alone and lifeless. i bled for no one. just remembering my past regrets and mistakes. than this morning when i woke up realizing i had overslept i weakly clenched my fist and started punching myself in the stomach and now its all bruised and theres red marks from punching so hard. than i got up and took asprin. than weakly went back to sleep but i wanted to get up again and overdose. but this is just a regular day for me. it is nothing different compared to the rest. |
| 3:19p | um..yeh. yesterday was a freakin terential downpour of rain and me n amanda r idiots who went out neway and got soaking wet, then my sister picked us up n we all went to walmart, and then we dropped amanda off and went back to our house where oh so convenetnly the drains were clogged w/ leaves, so i took off my shoes n socks and was knee deep in water just on the side walk, and started pullin leaves outta the drain so my house wouldn't sink, the water was 3/4's of the way up my front yard so yeh, i was pullen leaves outta the drain and my sister was using a shovel to pull outta the way and into the road so they wouldn't clog the drain anymore. it was kinda fun, but the rain made me more depressy. idk, the water was cold. then kyle called me and was like blah, and pulled the i-called-you-cuz-theres-something-wrong-but-im-not-gonna-tell-you game and mentioned how amber might go to emmit next yr (which set me off thinking about damon) and i was like dude, the skool yr. just started, and to tell the truth i really dont give a damn where she goes to skool, its not my problem, and then he was like you gotta get over damon *cuz he asked wut was wrong n i said i was thinking and he guessed damon* and i got mad and said 'well im sry if i havent found the love of my life the first month and a half i was single! and its just like jesus, ill move on at my own pace, leave me alone! i hate it when every one tells me to move on and its like jesus, i just got over my longest relationship ever (a whopping 6 months and 13 days) and its gonna be hard for me to move on, cuz i loved him and i still do, and augh. people are stupid and should learn that every one does there own thing. Current Mood:  irritated |
| 3:22p | chances blown..nothings free today i brought a razor blade to school and the last time i did that the school found out and i got sent to the hospital. i cut myself infront of my best friend jackie..she didnt even notice..witch is a good thing cause now that i think about it she prob wouldve told..i cut love me,hate me,kill me into my arm and the lyrics for damnit i changed agian on my other arm..it looks kinda cool but now i cant hide it and some kid on the bus saw and was like wtf? is that cuts..uhh. i pireced myself with a saftey pin mulltiple times and i didnt numb anything..i pircied each ear 6 times my lip and my nose..i bet itll get infected..i hope not..im going to the doctors tommorw cause my gramother want a drug test done..or something like that..oh joy..and after they get the results back she will cut me apart piece by piece and stash me under the floor board..thats all for now -spike Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: something corporate [x] me and the moon |
| 3:22p | chances blown..nothings free today i brought a razor blade to school and the last time i did that the school found out and i got sent to the hospital. i cut myself infront of my best friend jackie..she didnt even notice..witch is a good thing cause now that i think about it she prob wouldve told..i cut love me,hate me,kill me into my arm and the lyrics for damnit i changed agian on my other arm..it looks kinda cool but now i cant hide it and some kid on the bus saw and was like wtf? is that cuts..uhh. i pireced myself with a saftey pin mulltiple times and i didnt numb anything..i pircied each ear 6 times my lip and my nose..i bet itll get infected..i hope not..im going to the doctors tommorw cause my gramother want a drug test done..or something like that..oh joy..and after they get the results back she will cut me apart piece by piece and stash me under the floor board..thats all for now -spike Current Mood: weirdCurrent Music: something corporate [x] me and the moon |
| 5:11p | chilly fires hey everyone... how are you? me well im good... i guess. saturday was a really good day, and sunday sucked. i found out that back in may when my boyfriend had cheated on me (twice) that he only did it because he was jealous that i had had a previous realtionship before him, and he wanted to know what it was like. so yeah... that was a lot of fucking shit right there... so yeah, i started crying and went to my room after i had got off the internet (a stupid thing to do if you dont wanna talk to any one) and then he called me and was like "Mandi honey im sorry, i love you" so yeah... then while i was talkin to him, since i knew it would hurt him ( i was spiteful at that point) i cut myself, 6 times, and then described how they looked, felt, and the way they bled to him. i was going to cut myself 12 times, but by then i was crying to much to do it the way i wanted. so now i have 3 on each wrist. so much for my 3 week run of not doing that... Oh and to get back at me for cutting myself he cut himself, which he only started doing because i did it and he thought it would help him (wrong!) so yeah... now we are like fighting all the time... which is how it usually goes after we piss each other off. And to make it worse, my "friend" heather told him i liked this guy chris (who is 18 and graduated) and now when ever i talk about chris or being around him, or i see him jeff (my boyfriend) gets all pissy and wont talk to me. But the one kool thing about heather is that she lets me smoke with chris and gooch (im supposed to be quitting for my b/f, but i dont want to) so yeah... well im gonna go... so yeah... buhbye ~Mandi~ Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: |
| 5:28p | i think andy (my love) knows i cut. reasons: 1. he sees them all the time. 2. he questioned me once about it. and i just have a feeling that he does. i'm pretty fine with it if he know but i think if i were to actually talk about it and such he would look down on me and not love me anymore. but oh well. yesterday felt like death. right when i got home from school i went to bed and slept. and this morning i woke up nausious out of my mind and i wished to throw up so i wouldn't have to go to school. and so i wouldn't have to feel so fucking sick all the time. but no. you can't really throw up when you don't eat. _____ look at her sitting on that couch watching all the people pass her by. look at her in that dress, all torn and fragile just like her. look at her holding head while that make up runs down her cheeks. she's just trying to look nice. she's just trying to look pretty. she's trying to get them to look at her. but they ignore her like always. they don't see all that she went through. they don't see the scars, the bruises, the bandages, the tears. they don't see anything, but a girl sitting on a couch trying her best to smile. _____ blah di da. i've been activly updating this journal more frequently. how exciting. but actaully i just feel like i just need to write. and write. and write. and just keep writing till i spill everything there is needed to be spilt. till i tell everything there is needed to be said. and the good thing is that, i will feel good about being able to talk about everything and anything that has been on my mind. in my Dead journal, i cannot just becuase my friends will not be acceptant of my thoughts and my acts and my behaviors. so i must say this blurty is my safe haven. sigh. |
| 6:51p | A little tip. If you get pulled over by a cop, even if you start crying like a stupid bimbo trying to get out of a ticket, and even if you're on a really busy road and everybody can see crying and looking like a bimbo, do not start scratching your hand (or anything else) with a key. Because if you don't cover it up fast enough, and the cop sees it, it turns into a very big deal. Even though I only got a warning, he couldn't "release me" without some outside assurance that I would be safe. (Can't have me killing myself over a warning, now can we? duh.) I had to sit in the back of his car while we talked (yay) and then he called my therapist. Hugely embarassing. And he made me put a bandage on my hand, lol. They were teeny little scratches, didn't even bleed. So I guess, technically, I slipped up again, but I'm not beating myself up about it cuz, jeez, it barely counts. But now since my therapist knows, I have to tell Mike. He's going to be less than pleased. Oh well. Love you, my darlings. Jill Current Mood:  amused |
| 8:31p | ... i WILL get through this week. i will get through this week. i will... please? all i've been saying to myself, is that i will survive. is that i will breathe, and i will live, but i won't be living. i have forgotten how to live. i thought that i was learning. thought that i was getting better, but all that i got was pain. i can't cry tonight, cry for other people, and their problems, that i try to help out with. i can't cry because my eyes are so swollen, from not enough sleep, and i'm so dehydrated, from not enough to eat. all i want is to give in. not to cut, for i have done enough of that. but to sit down, in my faithful corner, and rock back and forth, slowly, and hummm my way to sleep. but that would look bad, that woul look scary. why do i care so much about other people, and not enough about me? if i try to work on myself, things only get worse, because i am cruel and selfish inside, and i don't want others to see it. so i hide it, hide it in others' problems, but they only end up as my own. and then they run away, thinking that it was their fault, when it was all my own. all i want is the safety, the comfort, of my little corner. in the back of my mind. where i don't have to scream. over the voices. that are always in my head. i can't ask for help. j |
| 9:17p | i wanted to cry stears so badly, but i couldn't, so i made myself cry blood instead. two little tear-drops under each eye. they are beautiful. j. |
| 9:35p | Cutter I cut today. Bad me, I know. I cut 70 times. I feel like shit for doing it. They burn and look infected, but I needed to do it. Today was pretty stressful. I was interveiwed for this special school for students with depression, anxiety and behavioral problems. I think I got in. Yay for me right? No. I want to go to regular school, I am so sick of these problems getting in my way. I can even be around 10 people, or speak in a classroom. I hope that the school is ok.. I'm afraid it won't be. It has been pretty dreary here in Maine. Like the way I feel. In the library, because thats near where I am tutored, I caught up with one of the people I knew from class. She asked me why I only go to one class. I told her and she was pretty silent. Should I trust her? I'm guessing no. I think she might tell everyone. Am I over-reacting?? Maybe a little... *sigh* -ashley Current Mood: weirdCurrent Music: "Lithium", Nirvana |
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