Saturday, October 25th, 2003

Time	Event
5:15p	Yall, Im so happy... I finally kissed a boy. Thats a really big deal for me because I've always been to scared to kiss a guy, and I never feel comfortable enough. And at this point im glad I didnt give it up till last night. I felt he was worthy to have my first kiss, I treat it like my virginity or something. I Im highschool, and my first french kiss was last night. Man, I told my friend valeri and she was so happy because she thought I'd never ever french kiss a boy. I didnt either, but when I was standing with him, it just felt right. And I havent cut in 3 days because I feel guilty about willee, like im letting him down... because I know it makes him upset. I havent been this happy for months, many months. I must sound corny, but I thought I should tell yall.. I love this community and I just felt like I really wanted to tell yall about this, your first kiss is something you think about and remember when your like 60. It wont really sink in untill like next week... On the other hand, my mom is boosting my time with my physcologist ( Dr. Brent Griffin ) to 2 times a week. . and I have to do some physcological evaluation... And they say that can take hours, but insurance only covers 6 hours. So I think I'll be done in 6 hours.... I hope. And I think I overheard my parents talking about sending me to one of those clinics!!! I wouldnt be able to survive without willee, and amanda. hmm.. I read a book called " CUT ".. and it was pretty good too.. I just wish I could tell her that when my cuts throb, its like their singing. singing me too sleep.. like a little babys lullaby <3 Jess Current Mood: anxious Current Music: my chemical romance - cubicles (1 Comment | Comment on this)
5:15p	Yall, Im so happy... I finally kissed a boy. Thats a really big deal for me because I've always been to scared to kiss a guy, and I never feel comfortable enough. And at this point im glad I didnt give it up till last night. I felt he was worthy to have my first kiss, I treat it like my virginity or something. I Im highschool, and my first french kiss was last night. Man, I told my friend valeri and she was so happy because she thought I'd never ever french kiss a boy. I didnt either, but when I was standing with him, it just felt right. And I havent cut in 3 days because I feel guilty about willee, like im letting him down... because I know it makes him upset. I havent been this happy for months, many months. I must sound corny, but I thought I should tell yall.. I love this community and I just felt like I really wanted to tell yall about this, your first kiss is something you think about and remember when your like 60. It wont really sink in untill like next week... On the other hand, my mom is boosting my time with my physcologist ( Dr. Brent Griffin ) to 2 times a week. . and I have to do some physcological evaluation... And they say that can take hours, but insurance only covers 6 hours. So I think I'll be done in 6 hours.... I hope. And I think I overheard my parents talking about sending me to one of those clinics!!! I wouldnt be able to survive without willee, and amanda. hmm.. I read a book called " CUT ".. and it was pretty good too.. I just wish I could tell her that when my cuts throb, its like their singing. singing me too sleep.. like a little babys lullaby <3 Jess Current Mood: anxious Current Music: my chemical romance - cubicles (7 Comments | Comment on this)
9:03p	i don't know what i'm doing anymore. my self periced ears are getting infected. so much for my lack of hygeine and care for treatment. i think the best part of the cut process is when it gets all infected and you pick at it and then all this puss gushes out. i like that part. i don't know why. i revently found my little kinfe after thinking i lost it and crying about it. i've been thinking more about last year. and how far i dug my whole last year. and how many nights i sat up either not being able to sleep or passed out from taking too many pills. and how when i'd get really upset i reached for the pills rather then the knife thinking that if i pass out everything will be gone when i wake up. i dind't want to kill myself. even though i wished to die. and sometimes i'd hold the knife up to my wrists wanting to just slit them so i could die. but then i thouhgt about my parents. not the fact that they'll be sad and i don't want to hurt them. but more of the fact that they will know. and scorn me for what i did. and i wouldn't want them making my feelings and situation worse then it was. and now a days i think about how i wouldnt want my parents ever knowing what i do just because they'd make fun of me and they'd think i'm stupid and say it to my face and use it all against me like with everything else that i do. and they don't understand that by them making fun of me and using certain things agasint me it hurts me. and they don't understand that i have feelings. i don't think they realize that i'm a person with feelings. i don't even think they know me. they see me. but they don't know me. they don't how i feel, what i like, what i do, or anything. and they don't even want to ever take time out of their busy lives to do so. yeah i'm complaining about my parents. and what? i have the right to. even though some other peoplees paretns were worse. but honestly i think it all equals up to the same thing. us feeling like shit around them. i got kicked out at the age of 8 for being too argumentative, twice. i got yelled at for my brother locking me in a room and me getting pissed off and punching a hole in the wall at the age of 9. i got in trouble for throwing things around when my parents degraded me to nothing, calling me retarted, stupid, etc. they made fun of me when i threatened to kill my self or run away at the age of 10. and most of all i got yelled at for crying too much and got yelled at for showing too much emotion. there's just so much more of my childhood that i don't like talking about. there's just so much more that happened between the ages 8-10. the years i can't remember anything happy. i can't remember anything from school. i can only remember some things which i wish i didn't becuase when i do i just cry. and of course crying equals death. and i appologize for not talking about cutting but i needed to get somethings that i've been thinking about out of my head since i can't talk about this to anyone that i know. and i'm sorry for complaining about my parents. and i'm just sorry for taking up all your guys' time. (2 Comments | Comment on this)
10:31p	so yea well the one little bit.. the ONE little tiny bit of happines i had to hold onto has left me. yes. tim has dumped me, and i dont care. im just a little pissed i cant find anything to be happy about. and that sucks. o well. i didnt cut though, when it happened. ; ] i guess thats good. i cut before that though, umm.. i cant meber when but its on my arm, which was a STUPID thing to di, cuz people noticed. and i hate that. i hate people asking me what happened, and me trying to pass it of as a cat scratch. ha. i asked tim why he dumped me. and he gave me htis whole speil. but he also found out that i cut. and i almost died. out of any person, anyone in the world. hes the LAST person i wanted to let knwo i cut. besides my parents. i dont liek him kowing i cut, because it bothers him,and i knew it would. thats why i didnt want him to know. i guess mike and willie told him. and i dunno. it just bothers me sooo much. last night i went to mikes house with lauren. and i cried there. i cried alot and couldnt stop and i feel like a whimp. i dont liek crying infront of people, especialy in front of mike. lauren i dont mind, but mike. and i dont even know why i was crying, i was just bowling, and gawd. it was so bad. i had also taken too many pills, and so had mike. which made lauren cry. so the nite was just us crying. everything is SO fucked up rite now. so fucked up beyond fuckin belief. and i just DONT know what to do. i cant help anyone anymore, because i dont believe it will get better. and no one can help me because of that. i never REALL ywanted to die before, never thought about killing myself off the planet, but lately ive been picturing myself dead. like what it would be like if i WASNT here anymore.. and it scares me, cuz i know i COULD die if i wanted to. but i dontr know if i do. im so worried about mike, and maygin, and jesse and ryan and of course lauren. they all scare dme, make me stay up at all hours of the night wondering about them. i love them simple as that. but they dont get it. ryan, jesse, mike.. probly scare me the most. all of them. i just love them so much and i dont want them to die. everytime i see a 'new cut' on them, or hear about them taking more pills, or punching concrete walls or whatever it mighte be i just wanna cry. and maygin, she tries to be so strong, but i knwo she cant handle it all on her own. and i try so hard t be there for her but i feel like she just pushes me away, i love her so much, and she wants to die. shes said it soo many times, and it scares me that shes like this. and lauren. her leg was fucked. and now her wrists. i almost cried last nite when i saw it. its so bad. its so so sbad. i hate this shit. so ive had this stomache ache for liek.. the past week er two. and it doesnt really go away. i read sumwhere that u can get an ulcer from too many pills [which i take incesantly] and stress [which i have to much of too] does anyone know if its true? Current Mood: blank (1 Comment | Comment on this)
10:31p	so yea well the one little bit.. the ONE little tiny bit of happines i had to hold onto has left me. yes. tim has dumped me, and i dont care. im just a little pissed i cant find anything to be happy about. and that sucks. o well. i didnt cut though, when it happened. ; ] i guess thats good. i cut before that though, umm.. i cant meber when but its on my arm, which was a STUPID thing to di, cuz people noticed. and i hate that. i hate people asking me what happened, and me trying to pass it of as a cat scratch. ha. i asked tim why he dumped me. and he gave me htis whole speil. but he also found out that i cut. and i almost died. out of any person, anyone in the world. hes the LAST person i wanted to let knwo i cut. besides my parents. i dont liek him kowing i cut, because it bothers him,and i knew it would. thats why i didnt want him to know. i guess mike and willie told him. and i dunno. it just bothers me sooo much. last night i went to mikes house with lauren. and i cried there. i cried alot and couldnt stop and i feel like a whimp. i dont liek crying infront of people, especialy in front of mike. lauren i dont mind, but mike. and i dont even know why i was crying, i was just bowling, and gawd. it was so bad. i had also taken too many pills, and so had mike. which made lauren cry. so the nite was just us crying. everything is SO fucked up rite now. so fucked up beyond fuckin belief. and i just DONT know what to do. i cant help anyone anymore, because i dont believe it will get better. and no one can help me because of that. i never REALL ywanted to die before, never thought about killing myself off the planet, but lately ive been picturing myself dead. like what it would be like if i WASNT here anymore.. and it scares me, cuz i know i COULD die if i wanted to. but i dontr know if i do. im so worried about mike, and maygin, and jesse and ryan and of course lauren. they all scare dme, make me stay up at all hours of the night wondering about them. i love them simple as that. but they dont get it. ryan, jesse, mike.. probly scare me the most. all of them. i just love them so much and i dont want them to die. everytime i see a 'new cut' on them, or hear about them taking more pills, or punching concrete walls or whatever it mighte be i just wanna cry. and maygin, she tries to be so strong, but i knwo she cant handle it all on her own. and i try so hard t be there for her but i feel like she just pushes me away, i love her so much, and she wants to die. shes said it soo many times, and it scares me that shes like this. and lauren. her leg was fucked. and now her wrists. i almost cried last nite when i saw it. its so bad. its so so sbad. i hate this shit. so ive had this stomache ache for liek.. the past week er two. and it doesnt really go away. i read sumwhere that u can get an ulcer from too many pills [which i take incesantly] and stress [which i have to much of too] does anyone know if its true? Current Mood: blank (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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