Friday, October 24th, 2003

Time	Event
2:15a	No longer alive. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't know what to do. The other day I forgot how to tie my shoes. I'm forgetting everything. How did I make this downward spiral? For anyone who's been here since I started posting here... do you remember my first entry? The really long, tear jerking one? The one about my life and about how I use to cut, and I stopped and I was here for anyone who needed to talk? Back in July? How did I go from that, to hanging on to life by a thread? I wish I could ignore how I feel. I wish that I could just be how I always use to be and just go on with life, acting like everything was okay. At least then I was okay . Now I'm just a mess and the only thing left to do, is die. And I go over it in my head millions of times in a single minute. I go from wanting to just stop, and give up and die.. and then I'll think "I don't want to hurt anyone... so I can't die" I don't want to be alive anymore, I really don't. I can't do anything right anymore. I'm a horrible friend, a ridiculous girlfriend, horrible sibling, horrible daughter, horrible student. I'm just as bad as every other asshole out there now. I don't get how I got to this point. How did I not stop myself before I got this bad? Current Mood: Suicidal (6 Comments | Comment on this)
2:58p	AUGH! I HATE DAMON! I SEE HIM LAST NITE WHEN ME N MY MOM R GOIN TO THE GROCERY STORE, I SEE HIM AFTER SKOOL TODAY, WHY CANT HE JUST STAY AWAY?????????????????????????????????????? i hate it when i see him, i get so screwed up after and i don't know anything. and stupid dan is talking to me saying that he cares and i should stop cutting, and that if i ever get 'close' to some one and they see my cuts then there gonna leave me, and im like uh..well if i ever get 'close' to some one and if i feel like it may lead some where i'd tell them so it wouldn't come as a shock. oy. idk. life is really really gay. when i saw damon yesterday he picked up a back pack that was outside so i wonder what was in that back pack. my suspicion is *cough*drugs*cough* who, comming down w/ a cough. idk. w/e. my mom says i need to get over him, and i was like its been a month and a half, and she was like yeh, you should move on. oy. (Comment on this)
8:21p	*Don't You See What You Are To Me* * * * * * * I woke up really late today... at around 1pm. So when I got my cell phone I noticed that my bf had called me and left a message. I was glad and cheked it right away.. only to my suprise he left something like this: "You bitch and bitch about me not calling but you dont answer!?!?" and he hung up. I was like.. wtf? I didnt know what to think, I was expecting something like.. sorry I havent called you.. but instead got that mad tone of voice message. I just broke down and started to cry. Then I grabed my razor and cut my arm and cut over his initial, and also my wrist. He knows how much i care about him. I dont understand why the times that I have called him he sounds mad, or sayis he'll call back and never does. Why does he do this to me? And why am I bitching about a guy? Unloved ::DarK:: * * * * * * Current Mood: confused Current Music: * D.D. - Knights Desguise * (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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