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Monday, October 20th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:47a | Soooo... So I cut again, a lot, little deeper so that all of the cuts bled. But this time for some reason, I'm scared. Everyone got deeply pissed at me. I shouldnt have told them but I felt guilty breaking their promise AGAIN so I did. And like theyre saying I'm masochistic and shit. It's freaking me out, I don't have a problem, I just cut myself a little bit.... do I have a problem? I'm scared....and I don't know what to do. |
| 3:18p | do me a favor and kill me now. wow. talk about the worst day in fucking skool history. we got our CAPT scores back and i did horrible! i only get exempt from one final (history, which is ok, which means that both me n amanda don't have to go 2nd period) and ugh. then in english i was very bored reading the crucible cuz i didn't have a part to read so i took out my razor blade and did 3 lil things on the side of my wrists. no one noticed cuz im the only one w/out friends in that class so i sit on the outskirts of the rest of the class, then im goin to rotc and amanda tells me that damon HAD a gf, and that was just fucking wonderful, so during rotc i was making lil cuts on the top of my wrists, there not very deep, just enough so they bleed and made me feel better, but now they sting, and its annoying. so yeh, now im bound to my wrist cuff, im gonna hafta wear it w/ my uniform, but oh well,i doubt neone will notice. so yeh. idk. i was supposed to be grounded for the day(cuz me n my younger sister got into a screaming match yesterday cuz she was wearing my clothes and i was so angry that i cut my leg on the couch. rite in the living room. did neone notice? of course not. no one was in there but my older sister who was sittin across the room watchin tv) so i ewnt home and ploped on the couch and was sighing and my mom was like whats wrong? and i said i had a bad day n told her why n she was like well you can't keep damon from goin out w/ other grls just like he can't keep you from goin out w/ other guys, but amanda said that the grl was really like wow get a face lift ur so ugly, and im thinking great, now i know he likes ugly grls, which means im uglier than i already thought i was. so now im just in this deep trench of hatred and not understanding and i just want to fucking kill myself. ive been saying that all day so assume if i don't post for a while im either dead or in the hospital cuz i tryed to die. idk. life fucking blows. Current Mood:  angry |
| 5:45p | Erm... Alright so I need some help. I told this person, we'll call him George, that I cut and he totally flipped out on me. He thinks I'm some freak. That I am borderline psychotic. He said that to me flat out! Only because he read my blurty. He made a comment that said 'I didn't realize how messed up you really are'. He said I'm weak because I'm turning to cutting without even challenging my problems! What the fuck?! It was his decision to read my blurty....and why would I sugar coat anything in there...I dont give a fuck what people think of me when they read that. That is the only place I can vent all my frustrations. He also said that 'almost every single entry is depressing, I didn't realize how much you hate life'. He's talking to me like I'm some circus character, mocking my pain. He even asked me if he hurt me yet, mockingly of course. It makes me so sad, I thought I could put my shit on him and not get this shit back. My father would mock me too, I thought that was over. I don't know what to do because I still really care about him. He's just picking at my open wounds, laughing at my pain. He told me that my pain is not worth being 'down' over, that he has felt so much more pan. How the fuck does he know?? He hasn't lived a day in my shoes.... I'm sad....he made me sad.....now two people hink I'm nothing but a fuck up... |
| 9:11p | Moving foward slowly... i though id update since its been about a day...well yesterday i talked to my friend drea, who is also a cutter...we talked for about 2 hours...yesterday night...i threw away my pipe...and the rest of the drugs that i had...im going to get clean...and not do anything like that if it kills me...i havent wanted it at all...so thats a good thing...very hungry tho very hungry!...so ive been eating all day...also...i threw away every knife that i had hidden in my room...gone...trash...this is going to be hard...but im going to try to do this...im going to try to pull myself out of the negatives that im in...i can do this...i can i can..i will...i have too... |
| 11:15p | I cut again, really bad. My whole forearm is bloody and stuff. I took pictures. They sting. I think I'll put some rubbing alcohol on them to make it hurt more. I'm so lost. I don't know how I let myself get this bad. I have nothing. Last night I was so close to just, ending it all. Everything just hurts, so much. I can't breath anymore. I keep having nervous breakdowns and panic attacks and my chest starts pounding and I get lightheaded and scared... I can't even explain it. I can't even leave my room anymore. This is my only safe place. I can't do anything. I sit in class and draw circles, over and over and over again. And I don't know what anything means. I don't know why I feel like this. I just want it to all be over. I wish I'd wake up one day and this would all have been a nightmare or something... -Mary ... If I die, I promise ya'll that I'll have someone let ya'll know... Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Linkin Park "Numb" |
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