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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 1:21a | my apologies... to the beautiful members of whycut (thats ALL of you) i want to apologise in advance...the next few weeks i dont imagine ill be commenting much. my final exams start in 30 hours or so (its 1:22 am, i cant sleep, stress and all...) so im sorry. but i also want to thank everyone who supported me so much when i needed it ealier this week. it really means alot. while im gone everyone has to promise to be careful!!! (humour me, im stressed, and ill stress more if i dont think my beautiful fam is being careful) so, my love and hugs to all *hugs hugs hugs hugs* email me if you need me ive_thrown_my_handbag_in_the_river@hotma xoxoxoxoxoxo |
| 2:39p | im so bored! lol. so yeh, yesterday was interesting....me n amanda went to big y last nite, got some cookies from carl *they were yummy!* and then i scanned the ceiling for security cameras and me n amanda got a drink from the water fountain walked back to the isle and i took a package of razor blades and we casually walked into the bathroom,i took the two boxes out and we walked out of big y. so now i have 5 razor blades to humor myself with....^.^. there so sharp! i love them! hehehee, im getting horrible. i need help lol. cutting funness. yeh. idk. im gonna go now. blah! |
| 3:31p | I can't stand this Everytime I start to talk, everytime I start to let my feelings go. I seem to say the wrong things. I upset people or offend them or do SOMETHING. And then when they tell me to shut up or the reject something I do, I feel STUPID. So STUPID for doing what I did. It's coming to the point where I don't want to say anything to anyone. Bottle myself up. Put my wall around me. But, see I've done that before. And it just makes me worse, it brings me down even more. So I'm confused. The more I talk the more stupid I get. *sigh* Gah, I can't stand this. Current Mood:  stressedCurrent Music: variety of songs |
| 4:05p | mhmm... last nite was great..it really was.. and im happy.. for the first time in soo long. its just odd to feel happy now. just because i havent felt this way in so long. i almost cut today though. i was sitting in my rum, just doing my homework, well procrastinating-and i just looked over at this bracelet thingy, held together with a safty pin. and i thought, 'why not.. why not just do it.. youre happy.. reward yourself' i wanted to so fuckin bad. i wanted to carve an 'x' inyto my wrist. i think the x's look cool. i have a whooole buncha 'x's' on my leg. and they are groos lookin cuz theyre so deep. its so funny how no one ever notices them, what with gettin changed in gym and all.. youd think soneone would notice that. i think tis awesum. just that i mean, i can get away with it. no one can MAKE me stop and no one can control that. its part of me. my own. like when i cut, i dont feel it. i just do. i go numb. and just do. aftarwards sumtimes it hurts though. o well. lately i feel like the world just ahs it out for me. everything is getting to me, and everythings kinda makin me a little paranoid. i effin hate being underesteemated and thats what i am. and thst what ill prolly always be. a fuckin loser. no one thinks im capable of doing anything, and i hate being'frowned upon'.. im not a mature person. i have the mentality of liek, a five year old. me and my friedns, we're the biggest nerds around. ; ] high skool.. has basically changed all of that. its no shitin around. im being forced to be sumtiohng im not. im being forced to be mature, to tlak to everyone i hate [which is alt of people] im being cornered into talking about my problems. everyone i nkow has changed. so much especially in the past three weeks. nothing is what i thoguht it was. and it really does suck. so i think i will consider doing that 'x' cuz my mom just got home and i just LOVE my mom. o yea. i think i will do that. fuck i suck. Current Mood:  deviousCurrent Music: brand new [x] seventy x 7 |
| 8:02p | Ahhhh I cut again... finally. It's been forever. I finally feel back at home... Jay and I are in the midst of yet another fight. Thursday he hung up on me, and we haven't talked since. He called me a little bit ago and here's our conversation... Me: Hello? Jay: Hi Me: Oh, hey! Jay: What'd you do last night? Me: Uh, went to Anthony's, why? Jay: ::horribly terrifying voice:: WHY? Me: Uh... why not? ::click:: Jay hung up. As for anyone who doesn't know the story behind Jay, Anthony and I... here it is really brief... Jay doesn't like me hanging out with Anthony, for some reason. Now, it's not a jealousy thing because Anthony is like, me plus about 400lbs, and he has B.O. like you wouldn't believe. Anthony and Jay have been best friends pretty much since they were like, 5. Anthony and I have been friends since we were in the 4th grade. Jay and I met THROUGH Anthony. But, Jay doesn't like it when I hang out with Anthony... that's why he was so mad about me being there last night. But, that's so gay. How dare he tell me who I can and cannot hang out with I was friends with Anthony before I even knew Jay. I'm not just going to drop him like that... Anyway... I called Kayla because I knew Danielle was with her and I really need someone here with me and I was hoping Danielle would come over or something when I told her, but she didn't. No ones here when I need them the most... what's new? It feels sooo good to cut again, lemme tell you. Actually, ya'll probably already know, lol... so yeah. I cut pretty bad though. Since it's been a long ass time... I had everything built up for a while, ya know? So, I just let it all go. It was horrible and gross, but beautiful in my eyes. The blood was falling down the sides of my arm and some got on my carpet, but that's nothing some soap and water won't fix. Ah... I just feel so lost... I just wish someone was here to hold me or even to just talk to me. I wish Jay was here.. I wish everything was okay. Or better yet, I wish I weren't here... or I wasn't me. Oh a better note... I lost weight. I'm down to about a 2 now. Only two more sizes to go until I'm a zero. Then maybe I'll be happy... -Mary Current Mood:  scared |
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