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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:55a | i thought... well...im new to this whole blurty thing...and i thought that id introduce myself...my names tara...and im 18...i dont really know what to write about right now...and im sorry that this post sucks ass.... i didnt cut myself for almost 4 months straight...and i didnt do drugs for atleast 6...my lifes just really gone to shit...and i sliced my wrists open in an effort to kill myself...it didnt work...but i guess it never does...i cut up my legs and arms...just to watch myself bleed...my life seems like a soap opera gone completely wrong...and i joined this community...because it seems like an interesting community..and maybe i just wont feel so completely alone... |
| 11:09a | heres my day so far: enter brother tim tim: em wake up! mom wants you (hears older sister sara hyperventalating kinda) me: tim wait! wuts wrong w/ sara? tim: idk but mom wants you me: mom whats wrong w/ sara? mom: shes having chest pains so im bringing her to the emergancy room me: um..ok. mom: i need you to watch your brother and make him breakfast tim: why don't you call an ambulance? mom: cuz sara doesnt want me to. i walk into the living room doesn't think sara is having a heart attack, cuz she was cluching her chest w/ her left hand and your left had tends to go numb most of the time your having a heart attack. so yeah. my mom leaves, i call sara's bf cuz she asked me too and tell him wuts goin on. so yeh. im gonna get off cuz idk if my mom is gonna call....so yeh ill ttyl. |
| 1:09p | 17 Kids Up For Adoption sometimes i just want to expose myself, and not give a shit about anyone else. the mixture of selflessness and regret, makes the alternative seem like such a better bet. too selfish already, a starving artist who shares not her joy, tearing herself apart for shear pleaseure, it's not a ploy. if it would make you feel better to think that it is, by all means, deny your own responses. you can run away from me if you want to, rather what you want, i'm all for you. have you any idea hor hard, it is to help myself, to guard, myself from myself and myself from you, all you want to do is help, as i just become more black and blue. every night i want to run from it all, deep down i want to fall. but i cannot run away, sadly, not today. because i have responsibilities, a life to live, more pain and pleasure to give. the pain for myself, and for you, blood runs painful not as red but blue. still inside it hurts more then ripping it out, keeping it in only makes me want to shout. scream over all of the fear and anger, but deep inside i am all a tangle. hoping somehow that i acheive the confidence alone, before i give into the urge and carve my flesh and bone. the beauty that i long for every day, when dreams of razors come out to play. i live in dreams so that you won't notice my nightmare, my life that is, the thing that i can just bare. but now with you... whispers and simplicity, maybe i can get closer to you, learn how to be. harmless kisses and drunken nights, bring me closer into the light. don't run away just yet, now you seem like the better bet. j |
| 1:25p | ugh... i dont even know what to say....im so hungry right now...this isnt even good...i shouldnt be cutting....its so horrible...but i just have too..i have to see the pain...i have to watch the blood...if only hed talk to me....if only hed tell me once that everything would be okay...that im strong enough to make it through this...that ive made it through so much already...if only he still loved me....then id know everything would be alright...my foolish pride keeps my hope up that someday...one day...something will come about...but i fear that i will not make it that long...the facts of being 2 months pregnant about right now...just make it so much worse...i just dont know what to do anymore...im so lost in this world...that i have the nerve to call "life"... |
| 2:22p | come to find out my sister had an anxiety attack. fun no? so i called amanda back and we walk down here to the library. and whos sittin on the aim comp? damon. go figure eh? idk. it was alrite. im not crying yet at least. but oh well. he wouldnt get up so i sat on him. lol. he smokes agen, he started to ask if we had a ciggartte. >.< poo. *fights tears* oh well. i miss him. but moving on. yesterday me amanda amanda n megan hung out, my mom dropped amanda amanda n megan off at amanda b.s house and i went home n got changed and then they came over my house n rang the door bell n we all walked over to megans house. her cat is cool its all black. it bit amanda though hehe, silly cat. she has a ferret too! omg it was so funny, it was tryin to steal megans slipper but it didnt' work too good, and it wouldnt' let go of the slipper, eventualy megan got it back, and the ferret bit her heel lol. we also were fighting with this ghetto can opener and i kinda figured out the electric one, and so were all tryin to get it open n travis comes over and kills the can, but eventually, i got the can partially open, and the cat was fed. so yeh then we were drivin *with me amanda n amanda squished in the back of travis's car lol* and we got gas then went to burger king. then we drove to trumble mall doin like 30 over the speed limit. it was fun, i love driving fast, and travis had so many funny stories to tell, my stomach hurt i was laughing so hard. it felt good to laugh. so we get to the mall and we hung out there. i've come to the conclusion that there are no good looking guys in trumble. *im spelling the towns name so wrong but oh well!* lol megan is a bad influence on me, i stole finger cuffs from the hot topic there, but seriously i wasn't gonna pay 4 bucks for 2 finger cuffs, i mean jeez, i could buy a wrist cuff w/ that 4 bucks. so yeh i got cute star ones that i like and i got another one w/ skulls on it that i don't like as much but they were in my pocket already so oh well! i cheated hot topic of 8 whole dollars. lol. so yeh. thats me life. im gonna go now, find sumthing to do. ttyl. |
| 2:32p | i will not give into the pain..i will not so i havent majoring cut in a week now. the other night i made i started to cut my wrists, the deep slow kind, so i hadnt gotten very far when kyle called. i talked to him on the phone, and didnt cut but picked at my scabs with my x-acto knife. i only have one little mark on my wrist, so i dont really count that. i am so tempted to cut right now. i'm having a bit of a breakdown, trouble breathing, sore chest, that hopeless feeling that takes over your whole body. i want to feel something. feel the knife take a trip across my wrist, feel something thats real. i dont know. please, i dont want to cut. i dont want to, but i do so bad. i dont want to be a slave to my weakness. i want to be free of it all... i want to fade away where the pain doesnt exsist. Current Mood:  crushed |
| 4:34p | what do you all do.... when you run out of bandaids? I'm starting to run out and I have no money to buy anymore. I'm gonna need them when I do it in the bathrooms and such so it won't go through my shirt sleeve. Any ideas of what to use? Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Boom by Da Brat |
| 7:21p | is there anybody in there? hi all, i haven't written in a while. this is julie, my username was "_angry_nerd_" things are at an all time low. i'm glad that i've begun what i have...to build a wall. against everyone and everything. i'm so sick of the drama, the love, the joy, the hate, the pain...the filth. just trying to comprehend how much filth there is exchanged in a single touch makes me feel sick. this is something new i'm just now realizing. all in all, it's just another brick in the wall. Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: Pink Floyd x Comfortably Numb. |
| 9:00p | thanks! hey thanks so much for the comments on my last entry! i really appreciate everything you guys have done for me! you all diserve a... BIG HUG!if any of you wanna email me for advise or just to say hi then my email is: greeneyedclouds@hotmail.com thanks again so much! i love you all! i wouldnt be here without you and this community... god bless and take care! ; ;; ;;;aleX<--- ;; ; Current Mood:  cheerfulCurrent Music: get low - lil jon & the eastside boyz |
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