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Friday, October 17th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 1:51p | haven't updated in here for a while. i lost my exacto knife. my exacto knife. i love that thing and it's gone. i've been franticaly searching for it. but it's gone. i think my dad stole it from me. maybe i'll stab him with it if he has it. i haven't been cutting much but last night i did. or was it two nights ago. eh. i'm begining to see things again and when i close my eyes the world begins to slip away like it used to. and when i open them back up everything keeps moving and i just don't move. i can't move when everything else is. i'm too scared to fall over or fall into a hole. it often feels like the floor is slipping away and i try to stay on and lose balance and fall over. and that's scary. so i try to stay as still as possible. and every where i go i see something behind a tree or in front of me or something is behind me and that scares me too much. but that's okay. it's okay. i think i stopped cutting for a while becuase i didn't want to be questioned at homecoming when i'm in a dress. but i did get questioned anyway by my friends mom she was like "were you trying to kill yourself or something??" it was funny though becuase she and her mom are skizo and talk about killing your self and all things related to mental stuff. i once thought that just about everyone i knew was in therapy. or all my friends were. but the thing is that it wasn't true but now it is. EVERYONE i know is in therapy for their little problems. and i honestly believe not to sound selfish but i believe that i have more problems then them. i experienced so much as a child, things i shouldn't have but i did. but i guess everyone has their own problems. sigh. whatever. sometimes i think i need help but othr times i'd rather not think about it. oh well. -katie |
| 4:16p | Blah... Blah, this sucks. I feel horrible again. My head hurts like hell, I'm always freezing, and now my stomach just started to kill me. I'm so fed up with Jason... really. Last night he hung up on me. I'm so mad at him. And he never called back to say sorry or say anything, and he hasn't called today at all either. He obviously just doesn't care. He's the main person I want to care, and he's the one person I feel like cares the least. And that sucks. It kills me so much that he can treat me like shit and try to walk all over me when he knows I feel like shit to begin with. I keep saying over and over again that shit with him is over and done with, but I can never bring myself to end it because I'd die without him, I literally would. But, without him I could cut again. And I really need that. I haven't cut in over a week. He thinks it's been a lot longer... but I hide it from him. If he knew, he'd be so mad at me. But, he can't be mad at me. It's an addiction... it's like him and smoking. He smokes a stoge every now and then because he goes nuts without it, it's like that for me with cutting. I need to cut so bad... soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. If I could cut right now, I wouldn't feel so down, and then I'd be able to enjoy my weekend. I think I might find a place he can't see and cut there. Like, even a place that he wouldn't expect me to cut so if he sees me with clothes off *wink*, he won't notice it... I just feel like SHIT right now. Ah... -Mary Current Mood:  rejected |
| 4:24p | okay.. first timmmmeeee well.. this is.. umm.. fun? i saw this link on my fried julies blurty and decided i would 'join' hehe.. well.. lets see.. i experimented with cutting in 7th grade.. but then just gave up on it , cuz i was too scared id get caught. when i got into 8th grade htings just got worsde.. so i started first, hitting myself with a hammer liek on my ankle or sumthing.. i dunon what its called.. and then i started cutting and then od'ing.. all year just the same thing.. with vcutting and od'ing.. i stopped od'ing and just stayed wuith 'the blade".. i feel liek shit. cuz all my fried are doing this. well almost all.. the ones that arent want to tell me they understand.. and they dont.. they dont get it.. no one knows what goin on inside my ejhad rite now.. just NOT cutting is soooooooo hard. oneof my best frineds. ryan.. made me promise not to.. so if i didnt.. eh wouldnt.. and if i did.. he would.. so far eh hasnt.. but i did.. so we promised again.. and i havent.. but its killing me.. its soo hard.. my leg is finally healing.. its deffinatly gunna scar tho.. gawd.. eevything thats going on in my head.. i think im nuts.. i like to cut.. i liek the pain.. i liek the way it looks.. its odd.. ive never heard of anyone liking that befoer.. maybe im just not opening my eyes or hatever ytouy wanan say abotu it. nothing is what i thought it was.. everything has changed.. everything is different.. and its killing me.. everything is driving me iup the wall.. adn i wanan just end it al.. but i just cant bring myself to do it. i MUST cut.. but ryan would hott me.. i feel liek shit.. Current Mood:  geekyCurrent Music: brand new [x] 70 times 7 |
| 6:02p | increasing... I keep on increasing how much I cut. I still don't do a lot, but I'm starting to get a good amount on me. It gets me through the day and when I feel myself slipping into the world of sleep or tiredness of any sort I cut myself to get that boost of energy to get me through the day. Within two days I've put a good number of marks on my upper arms... *sighs* Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: GhettoMusick by Big Boi |
| 7:05p | guess whos back :D heyy! omg i havent been able to write in here for like 3 months! i miss you all! i dunno if there are any originals still here but if there are then you know who i am! lol. (i hope) anyway i stayed to my word and i havent cut in 4 months! im sooo proud! ive wanted to but ive been able to control it. i told my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago and he didnt freak out on me so thats a major plus. none of my new friends know except for Cody and Mike C. well thats about it except i think i'm gunna leave this community. its not that i dont like it anymore, i still totally love it but, i just dont have much to say anymore... cutting is in the past for me so i think that the best think for me to do and still refrain from cutting is leave... reading all of your entries reminds me what it was like to cut and how much i loved it. and then i begin to miss and im just afraid i'll start again. so i just wated to say i love you all, even if i havent properly met you, you are all beautiful. you can all get through anything! i know it because i did! take care everyone, and love who there is to love* lyl xox ; ;; ;;;aleX<--- ;; ; Current Mood:  cheerfulCurrent Music: throw it up - lil jon & the eastside boyz |
| 7:05p | guess whos back :D heyy! omg i havent been able to write in here for like 3 months! i miss you all! i dunno if there are any originals still here but if there are then you know who i am! lol. (i hope) anyway i stayed to my word and i havent cut in 4 months! im sooo proud! ive wanted to but ive been able to control it. i told my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago and he didnt freak out on me so thats a major plus. none of my new friends know except for Cody and Mike C. well thats about it except i think i'm gunna leave this community. its not that i dont like it anymore, i still totally love it but, i just dont have much to say anymore... cutting is in the past for me so i think that the best think for me to do and still refrain from cutting is leave... reading all of your entries reminds me what it was like to cut and how much i loved it. and then i begin to miss and im just afraid i'll start again. so i just wated to say i love you all, even if i havent properly met you, you are all beautiful. you can all get through anything! i know it because i did! take care everyone, and love who there is to love* lyl xox ; ;; ;;;aleX<--- ;; ; Current Mood: cheerfulCurrent Music: throw it up - lil jon & the eastside boyz |
| 10:27p | Just a poem I made as i drowned myself in music and paper during class today... A story behind crooked smiles id rather cut my throat and bleed, than to hear what you need. And i'd rather wrap my hands around my neck, painfully choke myself until i reach death. Slit my wrists and weakly watch my life drain, because I feel I am the one put to blame. Unable to see you in sight, screaming..losing this never-ending fight. Hiding internal scars from you, pressure building up..dont know what to do. I'd rather punch concrete walls..bleed myself dry, than to be the one to see you cry. Its allowed for me to shed a tear, its okay for me to live in fear. People plead... cant seem to find what they need. People threaten suicide, but do they actually die? I cant seem to find you and I know im already dead, im torn, distorted, ive cried and bled. Words cant explain..no wonder why I live in silence, taking out hatred using pain and violence. Stand up from my desk..throw the pen to the ground, grab the razor and blacken out the sounds. Slice open a piece of myself to see what I can afford, run to the front and smear the blood onto the blackboard. Don't you see my pain?, see it through the red stains. Are you still clueless..or is it that im just so numb?, blinking eyes back to reality what have i done? We were meant to live through so much more, we have become broken, bruised and torn. Custom pictures of suicide engraved on our wrists, crystalized tears and clenched fists. Feeling overwhelmed..happiness is so hard to find, when everything good you once had has been left behind. I'd rather kill off this pain..end it for good, than to live with nothing...I wish I could. - end Current Mood: numb |
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