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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:20p | so terribly alone... im sick and shaking..used and abused. what to do. i cant even think anymore. the 19 year old used me. he picked me up every weekend thinking he would get "something" out of it. im not a whore. i would only do stuff with one guy.. and that guy would have to be my boyfriend. so i stupidly fell into once again another trap...thinking it was going to turn into a relationship..he claims "i knew what i wanted.. and if i wanted to go out with you, i would have asked you" ... "you need to grow up"... "isnt it better to fuck when ur not in a relationship?" ...... no one has ever treated me like this. and now i feel like a doll being toyed with... my feelings...no one cares...im a human being too...people forget...and i cut again the other night in hopes of striking to vein deep...i put pressure on my open wounds with the blade and watched the blood pour out. i just layed there on my bed staring at it and crying... heartbroken 5 times in a row...shit...i am truly ment to be alone because obviously there must be something wrong with me... Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: avondale - yellowcard |
| 12:20p | Aarrgh! I feel so out of touch. Our computer died on Fri. (::sobs::) so I had NO internet access until I worked last night. And then, of course, Blurty was being retarded and wouldn't let me do anything. So today I'm finally back to the land of the living. Honestly, it was like having a limb severed, I didn't know what to do with myself. Right now I'm having trouble controlling the urge to hug my monitor. Anyways, I missed you all. <33 Jill |
| 12:31p | Lurker Ok well i lurk around here a lot and finally am going to post i might have a while ago but i dont really remember. but i started cutting when i was about 10 so for about 6 years (im 16) my mom noticed once and since then asks me if i've cut..does she really expect me to say yes i still cut !? She was supposed to bring me to pyschiatrst...and i was even willing to go! but she never did so now im getting progressivly worse and worse for about 3-4 years it was an on and off thing but now its getting reallly bad and now i dont wnt to stop...well thats all i'll write for now..i'll try to update regularly! *Love* RazorRagDoll Current Mood:  awake |
| 5:13p | i havent cut for a few days now but thats only because i promised someone i wouldnt. i am thinking about breaking that promise though. its just im failing school, my friends at my school hate me and they talk shit behind my back, and my family is being a bitch. i just want to cut to let everything go. i want all this anger and sadness gone. i even been thinking about killing myself. life just isnt worth it. it really isnt. its not like i have much of a future so why shouldnt i just end it all now? the one thing im good at is giving up. thats just what i might do with life. fuck everything. i want to be dead. oh well. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: Unpretty-TLC |
| 7:20p | I thought I was done with cutting, I get so sick of people at school asking why i wear sweaters and pants everyday, cause its not cold out here. So I cut myself off from cutting completely...And I didn't do it for like three whole days, which for me is awesome.... Then last night I got in a huge fight with my mom about why I should quit my job and stay in school.....I was so mad, and so depressed that I went and sat on the floor in the dark in my room, found my old broken protractor from last year, and dug it so deep into my lower wrist and upper arm.... Today I had to go see my shrink again so I could get put on the right medacine....and he freakin sat there and told me that im not normal because im a cutter who tryed to slit her wrist......he says most cutters dont try to kill themselves...so i guess im not normal...but i wish he would tell me something I didnt already know. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: saves the day " at your funeral" |
| 7:29p | the end... today i went to a cliff (a popular suicide spot) that looks over the ocean.. and i climbed the fence in my skirt (must have been a good look) and i took a deep breath and threw my razor over the edge. it kinda feels like a part of me has gone. but its a part i can live without. Current Mood:  satisfied |
| 9:38p | Hi all.. well I went to the physcologist. I didnt want to go in the first place, but I kind of liked it.. My mom told him I cut, and that im unhappy.. ect. He asked to see my cuts, but I said no. Just because my mom was in there and i didnt want her to see. I always cover them up around my parents, even i know they know that there there. Well she left and then he asked me a lot of questions. Like am i anorexic, balemic, suididal, homocidal, taking drugs, alcohol, if ive ever taken diet pills. Questions like that.. Oh and my favorite, " Do you ever hear vioces inside your head.. telling you what to do?" Haha.. i dont know why but that ammused me. Just the way he said it i gguess. Hes really nice, I like talking to him and I guess i trust him. Answered all my questions truthfully :0). I told him how i drew a picture that i was in a grave yard, standing next to my loves grave - Edgar Allen Poe - ( I have a weird obsession with him ) And i killed a girl with a knife.. slit her throat and wrists, dumb bitch fell on his grave. And i have a knife in my hand, blood stains on my clothes, A big smirk across my face. He wants me to do some physcological evaluation ( i dont know what that is ) If ANYONE knows what that is, please TELL me. Ok, so i see him again Monday, and i lot of Fridays after that. Man im only aloud to miss 9 days per semester, and ive already missed 7.. i skip too much. Whatever, at this point i dont care if i pass or fail. Theres nothing to look forward to anymore. I really wish i didnt care what people think. Today in gym, we had to get tested on pull - ups... im like physcically retarded, so i couldnt do ANY. I just sat there and watched the tooth picks knock down 2 or 3. Then that damn voice started telling me that im fat, and only if i was skinny. Then i started digging at my skin and it got all bloody, so i had blood on my fingers... this one girl stared at me in a baffled manor, but didnt say anything.. well why should she, any moment the girl that cuts herself could spring a razor on her and cut her nose off.. gah. Well Im kind of sleepy.. and again about the physcological evaluation <3 Jessica Good // Bye Current Mood: fatigue ( sp ?) Current Music: appleseed cast - on reflection |
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