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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 7:36a | A little diddy: I wrote this just now...it's fiction but it fits here...tell me what you think *~~~* A shroud of gray, thick, like pea soup. And I, a black fly stuck in the midst of the soup. Floating helplessly on a pea trying to stay afloat, sensing my own impending doom. I slurp loudly from my spoonful of pea soup. Clouds are rolling in, the rain will soon drench this city. The gray will become impenetrable, like myself. A deep sigh escapes between my lips, if only I did things differently. A crack of thunder shakes the window, drawing myself from my thoughts. Are all my windows shut? They should be, I never open them. Another slurp. Another crack of thunder. The cycle never seems to end, I can't seem to break it. Possibly I don't want to. Torturing myself with blades of emotion, each wound opened, sewn up, and slashed once again. Scars my reminder, I feed off of my scars. Each one tells a different story, and I have so many stories. But no one wants to hear them, I ruined that chance long ago. It's raining now, soft but getting harder by the second. This storm is angry, longing to unleash it's Hell upon this city of the lost. I fit right in. I set my empty soup bowl on the coffee table, what am I waiting for? Sitting here watching the storms pass, feeling the lightning strike, deafened by the thunder. Only to lick my wounds in the end. Will it change? I could of had what I wanted, what I needed. My soul winces. The past is a murky pond, more gray, more fog. Besides, it's over now. For good. A tear slides down my face. Oh, how I wish it wasn't over. The tear travels down my chin, slowing slightly. How, if I could rewind time, I'd do things differently. It rests on my chin, quivering, gaining weight. The razor. The teardrop falls off into an abyss. No. Well, maybe just this once. I pick up the small piece of cold metal. The blade is sharp and I place it against my soft skin. Visions of a ravaged arm, torn arteries, blood dripping down the pale skin fly through my head. I close my eyes and move the blade across my skin. A white scratch, no blood. My breathing slows, I put the blade back at it's starting position and swipe again. Deep, a numbing feeling. My nerves haven't told my brain how to react yet. The blood begins to escape, bright red with life. Life dripping away from me. It stings now but I've grown immune. I cut again in a different location, my tears blurring my vision. Not that it matters, I can still see the red. It's coming fast out of this one, the platelets have not yet formed a net to catch the tiny cells. My life. My past. Things I cannot replace, nor sugar coat. I cut again, deeper, wanting to feel as much pain as possible. Making my emotional pain real. I lose count, too many bleeding holes. I drop the blade and it clinks as it hits the ceramic tiling. The storm is above me now, crying as I am. Drown me in misery. I lay back and close my eyes. My lids like a slideshow, displaying the pain, the desire, the heartbreak. My breathing slows, warmth spreads throughout my body. Pain, unsurmountable pain. I try to raise my arm, but it's too heavy. I try to open my eyes, but they won't let me. My body embraces the moment and my soul joins in. Lightning flashes outside, thunder immediately thereafter. Inside nothing moves, except my blood. Flowing from my wrist, pooling on the floor. Taking with it my fears, my inhibitions, my life. It's getting dark. My thoughts are coming at random. I have work tomorrow, I will have to wear a long shirt. I wonder how my mother is doing. Did I leave the oven on? No more. Embrace the moment. Tears flowing, blood dripping. A sense of peace takes over, my heart slowing. Maybe life will get better. The past happened, time to move on. Afterall, there's my son. Sleeping away in the other room, dreaming of the videogame I just bought him. Time to smile. He's worth happiness. My body from the waist down is numb. I don't fight it. Somehow I knew this was coming. Live in the moment, embrace this. I love my son, my beautiful son. He will grow up to live a great life, he deserves it. He was not a mistake. My last breath escapes my blue frigid lips. Outside the storm disipates. A rainbow fills the sky. While a motherless boy begins to cry for his breakfast. *~* |
| 3:16p | thoughts of suicide........... sometimes when im riding in the car i look down at the handle on the door and i close my eyes and wonder how my body would feel as my bones would crush on the pavement floor i change my mind quickly because what if i didn't die i would be bent and mutilated and risk being paralyzed so then i think of my precious pills my dearest and best friend i line them in a perfect row a dreamy sleep with a painless end but what if i don't take enough that would be such a waste and i would want to see my blood flowing down the crimson rush the sweet red taste so i open up my top dresser drawer pull out my shiny protector and put the cold greasy metal in my mouth and think about pulling the trigger but then i think that would be to fast in an instance id be gone what would be the perfect death not too short not too long and then i see my razor blades my flesh screaming out for the pain that would be so perfect i could watch the blood flow from my veins i have to make the cut just right in the center of my wrist and lay and wait as my soul starts to fade an undeniable state of bliss and then i hear a knock on the door damnit i think thats its locked just let me escape this cold cruel world without someone fucking it up i knew that this would happen because nothing goes my way i swear that i will figure it out the perfect suicide escape..................... |
| 8:54p | errr last night i finnally used a razor and i made all of not even 4 cuts...and today....2 people asked me about my arm....??... when i used a safty pin i had 16 cuts n i use a razorblade n made 4 n everyone notices...in french this one girl asked me what happend to my arm and i said i dont know then she asked me again and i said i dont know n she asked again n i said my dog keeps scrachin me.. n shes like bull...then at lunch my "friend" Patty noticed it... and i said nothing.. and she looked at me like she knew.. because she knows someone that use to do it...then she started talking about it and how she only did a star on her ankle with my other "friend" ruby over the summer. n she was like dont let your mom see that i was like i know and shes like Bridget (the girl that use to cut) when her mom found out she almost lost her mind. when they noticed... i felt a little scared... n i still feel scared that everyones going to know. i dont want everyone to know because its like the only thing that i have to myself you know? and i was telling Patty how parents think its so bad to cut and it's really not.. and she nodded.. i guess she agrees. but i didnt want anyone to find out. when someone actually says something to you your like oh man now whats going to happen. but before anyone notices your like yeah whatever i want them to see... a part of me still feels whatever and the other part is all messy. maybe i should stop. but i can't. Current Mood:  irritatedCurrent Music: |
| 11:34p | *Hey Ya* * * * * * * Today was my History 120 Honors midterm and I flunked it I blanked out on an essay question I was just staring, for half an hour, at the one sentence I wrote I felt so stupid! So right after I turned in my exam I rushed to the third floor of the -D- building and right into the girls bathroom which is usually empty So I walked right into the first stall and got out my compact wher I hide my razor I cut my left wrist once and my right one about 4 times I felt relieved to see the blood I was in there for about 10 mins and then I had to rush to my Spanish class I just cleaned the blood and put a scrungie on my left wrist which was non stop bleeding My right one didnt bleed as much, i guess cus im right handed and cant put much pressure with my left hand... I dunno. I think one of the girls in my class noticed my scars cus she kept staring at me while we were having our group discussion Then after class we had a meeting for SMO and my best friend was there. She grabbed me by the wrist and I was like: OuCh She knew and was like.. let me see...and shook her head when she saw the cuts * * * * * * Oh yeah, yesterday night when I took a bath I cut my chest again. I made about 9 cuts on each *boobie* I'll make deeper cuts on Fri so that when I go dancing I can wear my little shirt so people can see the cuts. * * * * * * BlacK HearT ::DarK:: * * * * * * Current Mood:  crazyCurrent Music: Andre 3000 |
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