Saturday, October 11th, 2003

Time	Event
12:18a	hi. im emily... and im new here. i never in my dreams thought i would find a community like this. i dont really cut anymore, but its not like i havent wanted to. sometimes i need to get my mind off of everything. i kind of have a history of that stuff... trying to kill my self and everything... so my friends always check my wrists and they "monitor" my "happiness". and i hate how they make it all such a big deal. they start crying, and they go to the school councelor and they make them call my mom so i can tell her that ive cut my wrists again. i hate how they make it like its going to kill me. they dont understand that i only do it because physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. im on antidepressants. i have to go to counceolors, and i have to go to group meetings. thats probably why i dont really want to die, and why i dont cry every night, and why i dont think as negativly. cuz theres someone to listen to me. i just... i dont think this pain will ever go away. ever. so... yeah. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit//Nirvana (4 Comments | Comment on this)
2:24p	found this in my other journal from about a year ago: I explained to Joe about my "moods" or whatever you want to call them. How i can't explain to anyone how it feels to be told all your life that you should be a leader and not a "follower", and yet, it always seems that the little sheep are happy in the flock, and look perfectly find with being regular, and nothing special. When because you are different, you feel anything but special. And when you do things that hurt yourself because you want something that's "yours". That no one can take away from you. _____________ its a secret you'll always keep when you know you can't explain exactly how it seems when you're crawling at the sides trying to find the edge of the opening you can't see. If the answer won't come clear, when you think you're aggravating someone else, when you talk. If all else fails, there's no way around, a drip drop pitter, patter of blood running down a perfectly shaped thigh, appears to be the solution. You learned now by long tried out experience maybe there's a better way. although the darkness inside will never agree possibly there's a different exit to the maze. -------- now: And I hate this so much. I wish there ws something I could do to take this all away. I hate feeling like I am being ignored because I know it's not true. And I hate not being able to figure out why I feel like this. I hate how I've stopped cutting for other people, but never for myself. Ever since I've stopped I haven't felt like myself. But that's because I'm not. It's a part of me and I need it on a level that no one's going to understand. I want to end everything. I don't feel good enough. And I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like giving up on everything. But I won't..I know I won't. i'm very sad and i don't know why. and not knowing why, makes it worse. i really do want to cut myself open, and into a million pieces that no one can put back together, but I haven't. Current Mood: tired Current Music: 'I want to hear you sad" -The Early November (2 Comments | Comment on this)
3:17p	though we bleed, we must push on, we must push on.... i went to the mall yesterday w/ my friends amanda n amanda n ran into there friend megan n her bf travis. i was very blah all nite. i wanted to go in to the bathroom and bleed my self. but i didnt. there were no cute guys there either..... i hate being lonely. this is from the song same ol' road by dredg. its a good song. d/l it if you want. it interesting. i like this one part. its like all you need are these things, cuz they are in the perfect world, but you cant have them. All you need is a modest house in a modest neighborhood, In a modest town where honest people dwell. Making the cleanest energy, For the greenest plants to grow, In the richest soil that is drenched, With the freshest rain, Then you should sit in your backyard, Watch clouds peak over the tallest mountain tops, Because they unveil honest opinions about the stars. though we bleed, we must push on, we must push on.... (thats a line from the song too, fits in w/ us huh?) (1 Comment | Comment on this)
4:50p	my civics teacher saw the cuts on my arm on friday. i thought the shirt i was wearing was long enough. i was wrong. When the rest of the class left, he grabed me by the arm and said " what are u doing" ofcourse i said it was my cat. thats what people usually believe. well, he didnt. he didnt make me go to the counsler, he understood that part, but he wants me to stop or hes gonna call me parents. im not going to, but not on my arms anymore, i want to do it on my arms, i love seeing them there. its not the same as having them on your legs or stomach. oh well, ill get used to it. i love cutting myself. makes me proud, dont know why but it does. 4m-soleil Current Mood: numb Current Music: Poem, Taproot (1 Comment | Comment on this)
6:00p	Hey everyone well I haven't posted in so long. I thought i was getting better but im not. Im only getting worse. I hadn't cut in like a month. I was so proud of myself but then on friday I broke down at school and did it. Actually on thursday night i was in the worst mood and everything sucked and I just went to bed but when I got to school it was so hard. I had the biggest fight with two of my closes friends. It was all my fault but I just cant forgive them or maybe its I just cant forgive mysel.f Without the cutting i have been drinking a lot more and I dont want to start that again. So im trying not to. This weekend sucks im all alone. No friends. No family. No one. Im so close to cutting again but I thought maybe if \I wrote some stuff down It would calm me a bit. Last year I was ok firends with this guy but he never knew like about me cutting and all that stuff. We grew apart durring the summer and then this year i was talking with someone and he over heard me and wanted to know what has up with me. I never told him that but he came online that night and asked. When ever I tell people that usually think im crazy and dumb and all this but I was like w/e I will tell him. So I did and after he was so nice about it and like said he cared about me and stuff and he told me he cuts sometimes (which worries me) but he turns to drugs more (which also worries me). It was so awesome. Someone actually seemed to care. I never knew much about his family life but know he is living in like a foster home or something. Im not really sure. I forgot but i feel so bad for him and he was saying how lonely he was and stuff. It hurt me so bad. So i told him that i was always here for him and stuff and then he was talking about us going out and stuff but i dont agree to have a boyfriend over the computer i think it has to be in person and he knows this so he never actually asked me out but i think he is going to on tuesday. Which would be awesome cuz i love him so much. He is awesome but im scared if i get involved with him i will either get him cutting more or i will cut more. I really want to quit. There is also another guy. I meet him during the summer and we have hung out lots but i dont know much about him or anything. He doesn't kno about me or anything so im scared to tell him but he is also talking about us going out. Its so hard anyone have any advice towards who i should say yes to or if i should say yes to any of them. I would love to hear it. Well i best be going. There both supposed to call tonight so i hve to try and decide but please halp. I really do need it Nikki (7 Comments | Comment on this)
7:53p	Hi I'm new but i don't wanna talk about myself just yet or anything containing my problems or whatever you'd like to refer to them as. My names Sharla I'm 16 I wear clothes. (5 Comments | Comment on this)

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