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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:42p | Help me please burn the sorrow from your eyes My friend stopped me in the middle of the street monday night and screamed at me becuase i told her i didnt want to live anymore. She screamed at me that i dont know what pain is. She thinks this becuase she's been diagnosed with depression, and now she thinks shes the expert on it. I dont know what pain is becuase i dont have depression, well that must be true then, i just told her to fuck off and told her that life was hard for me at the moment and it has been for ages and just becuase i havent felt the need for some fucking doctor to tell me im depressed doesnt mean shit you know. She kept screaming at me telling me that her pain was so much worse than mine. You cant compare pain. Emotional pain physical pain you cant compare it. I dont compare it. I never compare my pain to hers and here she is standing in front of me on a busy street screaming at me im being a stupid baby and i dont really want to die im just jealous. Jealous becuase she's getting all the attention at the moment for her depression. I never even thought that. I've tried to be there for her i've tried helping her but she wont listen to me. She was my best friend. After fighting with her i ran across this busy street to prove to her i was ready to die. IM surprised i didnt get hit. At that moment i wanted to die so badly that i wouldnt have cared if i had got hit. She keeps saying "Stop talking like that" and telling me that what she's going through is so much worse. Fuck her i say. Fuck her. |
| 4:33p | Today at school had to be the worst fucking day. I have no one to sit with at lunch so i sit by myself in the hallway.. so im sitting there, minding my own business.. and then some black guy comes up to and starts " free styling " or something. So he sits right in front of me and asks me what my name is.. i told him get away from me and leave me alone.. and still he bothered me. Some guy sitting a couple of feet beside me got up and was like shut up. And the black guy was like " oh this is your girl dog" By that point i wrap my arms around my knees and put my face in my knees also.. and i start rocking back in forth, talking to myself, repeating " dont talk to me, don talk to me " and than i started saying " it'll be ok, it'll be ok " And i started crying. The black guy just like backs away and is like shes physco. People kept coming up to me, asking if i was ok.. oviously i was drawing attention, but i wasent thinking about that , and i couldnt stop.. It was so fucking bad. I hate school. Oh yeah my mom made the appointment today with the physcologist. yipee. :0/. <3 Good // Bye Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: thursday - jet black new year |
| 4:33p | Today at school had to be the worst fucking day. I have no one to sit with at lunch so i sit by myself in the hallway.. so im sitting there, minding my own business.. and then some black guy comes up to and starts " free styling " or something. So he sits right in front of me and asks me what my name is.. i told him get away from me and leave me alone.. and still he bothered me. Some guy sitting a couple of feet beside me got up and was like shut up. And the black guy was like " oh this is your girl dog" By that point i wrap my arms around my knees and put my face in my knees also.. and i start rocking back in forth, talking to myself, repeating " dont talk to me, don talk to me " and than i started saying " it'll be ok, it'll be ok " And i started crying. The black guy just like backs away and is like shes physco. People kept coming up to me, asking if i was ok.. oviously i was drawing attention, but i wasent thinking about that , and i couldnt stop.. It was so fucking bad. I hate school. Oh yeah my mom made the appointment today with the physcologist. yipee. :0/. <3 Good // Bye Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: thursday - jet black new year |
| 5:46p | feel the tears havent been here in a while mad busy between school and guitar. i havent cut in about a week but gave in today. my "friends" were pissing me off all day and in english i jsut deicided to go for it. i had the badest urge. i wanted blood though. but got nothing except deep scratches that are all red. i saw the Linkin Park video "Numb" that you guys were talking about. it was so cool. i love it. my new fav video. i've loved them since their first CD came out. i kept seeing it in stores and for some reson something was telling me to buy it so one day i gave in and did and ever since i've bene hooked. there a great band. k that was off topic but yeah.. they are some what depressing.. check out Linkin Parks song "Breaking The Habit" that songs about cutting. they said it took then about 5 years to find the right lyrics. its an awsome song... -manda Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: |
| 5:46p | feel the tears havent been here in a while mad busy between school and guitar. i havent cut in about a week but gave in today. my "friends" were pissing me off all day and in english i jsut deicided to go for it. i had the badest urge. i wanted blood though. but got nothing except deep scratches that are all red. i saw the Linkin Park video "Numb" that you guys were talking about. it was so cool. i love it. my new fav video. i've loved them since their first CD came out. i kept seeing it in stores and for some reson something was telling me to buy it so one day i gave in and did and ever since i've bene hooked. there a great band. k that was off topic but yeah.. they are some what depressing.. check out Linkin Parks song "Breaking The Habit" that songs about cutting. they said it took then about 5 years to find the right lyrics. its an awsome song... -manda Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: |
| 5:46p | feel the tears havent been here in a while mad busy between school and guitar. i havent cut in about a week but gave in today. my "friends" were pissing me off all day and in english i jsut deicided to go for it. i had the badest urge. i wanted blood though. but got nothing except deep scratches that are all red. i saw the Linkin Park video "Numb" that you guys were talking about. it was so cool. i love it. my new fav video. i've loved them since their first CD came out. i kept seeing it in stores and for some reson something was telling me to buy it so one day i gave in and did and ever since i've bene hooked. there a great band. k that was off topic but yeah.. they are some what depressing.. check out Linkin Parks song "Breaking The Habit" that songs about cutting. they said it took then about 5 years to find the right lyrics. its an awsome song... -manda Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: |
| 5:46p | feel the tears havent been here in a while mad busy between school and guitar. i havent cut in about a week but gave in today. my "friends" were pissing me off all day and in english i jsut deicided to go for it. i had the badest urge. i wanted blood though. but got nothing except deep scratches that are all red. i saw the Linkin Park video "Numb" that you guys were talking about. it was so cool. i love it. my new fav video. i've loved them since their first CD came out. i kept seeing it in stores and for some reson something was telling me to buy it so one day i gave in and did and ever since i've bene hooked. there a great band. k that was off topic but yeah.. they are some what depressing.. check out Linkin Parks song "Breaking The Habit" that songs about cutting. they said it took then about 5 years to find the right lyrics. its an awsome song... -manda Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: |
| 5:56p | oops whoa......im REALLLLLLY sorry for repeating 23445234 times... my computers fucked up... delete the repeated if u can.. sorry |
| 9:44p | *why dont you telephone?* *** Im feeling like shit right now I'm so depressed My head hurts, Im aching *** I called my love and he just answered "what?" and said he'd call bak in 15 mins. that was at 3pm. its now almost 10pm he hasn't called me ever since fri. I know he's busy wit work and his band's demo recording but he can't even call for 5 mins? i duno, i really lub him, but I duno if its what i was hoping it would be i dont wana give up so easily cus i know he cares about me it's just that our schedules dont work out quite well i knew this from the begining, but im going through so much shit i just need someone to love me, to be there at least for 5 mins *** on another note: yesterday i was with my organization making posterboards for todays club rush so they gave me the sissors to cut little stars out and i was like..hmm... so i got the sissors and started cutting on my wrists then the v.p. saw and noticed a little blood and was like "wtf you doing?" and took the sissors away from me so instead they gave me markers to draw stuff *** Love Me ::DarK:: *** Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morissey |
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