Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Time	Event
4:29p	hey, this is jessica. Well thank you so much to everyone that commented about my previous entry about mike.. oh my goodness. We were hanging out yesterday and he was like did you cut today? ( i had ) but i was just like would it make you happier if i said no.. he asked me again, i told him he already knew the answer. And then he left me.... i was upset.. so i just hung out with his sister and chuckles. I was mad though.. that he just left me like that. He HATES cutting, his cousin that he was close with killed himself by cutting his wrists.. So i mean i understand where hes coming from. he doesnt want to go through that again, losing someone he cares about. I mean i know im not in love or anything but in the little time that we've talked and hung out, ive developed so much trust, compassion.. which is a rare thing for me. Thats got to mean something, right ? I mean i usually dont sypathize with people easily... i have no empathy. So he came back out and we talked and stuff and then we went to my house and my parents werent home.. i had to do chores so i made him unload the dishes haha. so then he went upstairs, got my pretty green razor... and broke it in halff.. oh my gosh that hting was like my best friend. so sharp, so pretty. I was screaming and hitting him.. i was so pissed and i am still very angry. He was like " you hate me noe, but you'll love me later for it " gah. this friggen sucks... haha i think i should use my orange razor ( not as sharp, but it'll work ) and cut myself, draw a lot of blood and then show him and say this is what i did because i was so upset about my razor! ahaha. i would laugh heartily.. hmm... sometimes i just cut on my wrists for the pure hell of it, and it throbs and hurts.. gosh its great. Well i miss my razor.. bye you guys <3 lots of love for everyone in this community. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: my chemical romance - cubicles (2 Comments | Comment on this)
4:49p	oh yeah i almost forgot.. i was talking to a guy on the inernet, one of my friends friends that likes me.. and he was like " how was your day " me - " oh not so good " " why?" * i explain about mike ( using bad habit to replace cut) " whats the bad habit ?" me- " well i cut on my wrist and arms" " oh my gosh , im sorry, thats really gross i gottah go, bye " Oh my gosh... he thinks its gross, ahh fuck off.. its fucking pretty dick head. man that pisses me off when people are like that. Current Mood: aggravated (3 Comments | Comment on this)
9:34p	smart alex Today at school, in choir, a girl noticed the small 50 cent piece sized heart I had ingraved into my ankel. She was a black girl ( not to be racsist) and looked at me in a quizical way "What the hell is that, did you cut yourself" I raised an eyebrow at her, trying to think of what to say. I didnt want to admit to cutting because I could already feel what she was going to say. Something among the lines of "crazy ass white girl" NOw, again, not to be racist, if the girl was white I would ahve admitted to it...saying "haha, yeah, I wanted to make a little scar tatoo..." and leave it at that. BUt, to my observations, it seems that more white people have mental illnesses and self mutilate than black people do. I felt that the girl wouldn't understand, or be willing to understand because of her race. I didn't want to be labled the "crazy white girl" or have them say, sighing, "Just another white person..." or something. I have never meet, or even heard of a person of color who cuts. Now, please, if anyone on this community is black, PLEASE correct me...Again, I will repeat, I am NOT racist is any way, shape or form. I love people of alllll colors. Its just that I cant help making observations like that. I see that black poeple are MUCH more confident than white people are. They tend to have better self esteams and tend to put thewmselves down less, so therfore they tend to be happier or less likely to be depressed. NOw that is a BIG generalazation..understand that. BUt I believe it is the truth. White people, generally, seem to be less confident about themselves. When the girl asked me that question...I don't know. It made me feel stupid. It made me doubt why I did it. If I had told her "i like pain" she would have thought I was crazy. Now, usually, I dont give a crap about what people think of me..but it was the WAY this girl looked at me. It felt as if the whole white race was at stake, and I had to save it. I don't know. I'm just thinking and venting rtight now. Just poundering. I felt like a coward... I felt like... okay. example: a catholic person denieing their religion so they wont get teased. thats how i feel. I kow what I do isn;t a religion but its a part of me yeah. I'm going to say this again, because i am very afraid of being accused of being a racist. I am NOT racist. OKAY? I am just making generalized observations. Thats it. Okay? good. thanks for reading Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: the adicts

<< Previous Day

2003/10/01 [Calendar]

Next Day >>