| new and old news. |
[21 Jun 2008|01:39pm] |
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Eels - Flower |
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Hi... Not really sure how I should introduce myself. I am new to this community, as well as writing about myself in a public forum. There is a lot of details that I am going to leave out for the sake of space... but I know that I will end up writing a ton on this forum anyway. And I apologize in advance for that and if you don't like what I wrote. If you don't like it... I will remove myself and never bother this community again. ( So, to be polite, I will use an lj-cut )
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[13 Jun 2008|03:46am] |
I thought I was cool with losing my virginity to G. Now Im not so sure...I should treat it as something casual, but I don't think I can...I thought I could. And now it feels like I'm falling apart once again.
He can't even reply to my msgs when I ask him if he can look if my friend is okay. He shows up on pictures in Istanbul with this hot girl posing on his shoulder. And I feel the jealousy boiling up inside of me. I dont get why. I dont get it.
Sex shouldnt be a big thing. He shouldnt be a big thing. HE WASN'T
Why now...all of a sudden I can't get him out of my mind...I cut once again...
My friends found my razor in my room. They were so shocked, so extremely AHHH. I dont know what to do. They think Im fine tho and I want to keep them to think that way. Its not worth upsetting people over my bullshit.
What am I supposed to do abt G tho? I feel so helpless. I feel like I cant breath. He was 2 bars away from me. the same building. My friend is fucking getting slapped by her dad, they dont come outside for an hr, and he cant even tell me if theyre still in the building. If he can check on her. Is that too much to ask? I guess so...
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| Journey to Hell |
[09 Jun 2008|02:32pm] |
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So my mom flew down to Florida the last week I was here. We did a bunch of stuff and whatnot and everything was going relatively alright until we were driving back to Michigan.
We got in a huge fight. It was horrible. I was so misberable, I just wanted to be home so I could go lock myself in my bedroom and get away from her but I couldn't. I was stuck in a car with her with two and a half more states to drive through. I was about ready to just go absolutely fucking crazy. I just wanted to go find a restroom somewhere or something so I could go cut myself or get high ...I didn't though.
Everytime I get really upset and have a breakdown and I don't have anything to cut myself with I start digging the fuck out of myself with my nails. So now I have a huge reddish, brownish blotch on my forehead that is just raw skin.
It hurts. I'm afraid to go out in public now, it looks so stupid. It looks like I just layed a hot curling iron on my forehead. And I hate people asking me what did you do to your forehead?
If it would of been anywhere else, even my chin or cheek I wouldn't care but it just looks rediculous in the middle of my forehead. Ugh. Why do I have to destroy myself?
As miserable as the fight with my mom was, I am glad that it happened. It had to happen sooner or later. I couldn't keep everything bottled up for much longer.
There were things that just needed to be said. I think I got SOME things across to her but overall, she will never understand anything. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.
Shes just too close-minded. She keeps telling me that I need to get some help, I'm too emotionally unstable and I have no coping skills. And she is right.
I am extemely unstable and I really don't know how to cope with anything but the thing of it is her solution is the wrong one. And that is the part that I can't get across to her no matter how hard I try.
She wants me to see a therapist but a therapist is not what I need. I know what I need and it is not a doctor. I highly doubt a therapist could tell me anything that I didn't already know.
People aren't the way they are for no reason. I hold much more faith in psychological healing then in having fucking drugs shoved down my throat. Talking to a therapist is not going to make me feel better and will not solve any of my problems.
The things I need a doctor cannot give to me. I don't know why my mother can't get this through her thick fucking skull.
I think she places too much faith in doctors because she doesn't want me to seek out what I really need.
She doesn't want me to move away and be on my own. She doesn't think I am capable of taking care of myself. She doesn't think I am emotionally strong enough to hold myself together. Why can't she atleast let me fucking try?
Its obvisous she has no faith in me whatsoever.
She uses our brawl as an example, how I just exploded over something really stupid. My explosion wasn't even about that. It was because I keep so much bottled up inside for so long I was bound to explode sooner orlater.
I keep telling her she doesn't understand anything and she says thats because you never tell me anything. And I tell her because this is what happens. We just end up fighting.
I keep everything bottled up for her sake because I just don't want to fight with her. How can she expect me to tell her things when she doesn't and never will understand anything no matter how hard I try to explain.
We're just such completely fucking different people. Its just absolutely 100% impossible for her to see anything from my point of view. So theres just no point in telling her anything. We'll just end up fighting.
I just don't know why she wants me to be here. I'm just a big fucking disappointment to everyone. I could never live up to who they want me to be. I'm a burden, thats what I am. Thats all I ever will be if I stay here.
I don't want to be a burden. I just want to be free and be me. I feel really bad for my mom sometimes. Having me as a daughter must be horrible. I would hate having me as a daughter.
The moment we drove into this stupid town I just wanted to die. Thats how this fucking place makes me feel.
My dog doesn't miss me as much as he used to, I can tell. When I finally walked up to my bedroom and sat down on my bed I just felt like crying but I couldn't. I'm all out of tears.
The two little neighbor girls came over to see me right when I got home. I should feel special but I don't. I just can't possibly understand why they like me so much.
If I was them, I wouldn't like me. I think they must be confusing me with someone else. Maybe a former me from days long past. Everything about this place is just wrong. I wish this town would just explode and be wiped off the face of the Earth. No more bad memories and bad feelings to associate with this Hell.
*sigh* I just don't know what to do. I can't stay here, I just can't. I will guarenteed end up hurting myself bad if I stay here. Is that what she wants??
Why can't she understand that if I stay here something bad will happen to me. Maybe I should do something just to scare her. I have to leave and thats all there is to it.
I don't want to fight with her again so maybe I will just leave without telling anyone. Fuck her anyways. I'm almost 20. I'll do what I damn well please.
No matter what I do she'll be mad and disappointed in me so fuck it. I can't live for her I have to live for me. I feel really bad about and like I said... I'm really sorry that I am her daughter.
But maybe after I prove her wrong she won't be mad at me anymore.
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[02 Jun 2008|02:10am] |
Thanks everyone for their advice and support on my last entry. I really needed some support :)
take care you all,
<3 iensjj
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| Fuck this. |
[27 May 2008|11:42pm] |
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Upset. |
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South Park- Clubhouses |
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My "boyfriend" Santi broke up with me by just deleting me over myspace. No explanation. Nothing. He won't talk to me. I've been drinking tonight. Not to solve my problems, I was already drinking before this drama. I hate talking about it to my friends. Its all the same. I hate this feeling. I'm trying so hard not to care. He's not worth my time, but I want a goddamn explanation. I don't know why I feel so down. We weren't together long. I want to blame the alcohol, but I know he got to me. @_@
I feel alone. I have my best friend, but no one is there all the time. I can't help it sometimes. Like now, I just want someone to understand completely. I want someone who is into raving, industrial music, the fetish scene, and stuff. Jamie is my bffl but there are things we don't share. Santi was into those areas. He was everything I wanted. I had to fuck it up.
The worse part is, I don't even know what I did to fuck it up. -.-
47 days since my last cut. -Sigh-
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| *can you help me find that place? |
[24 May 2008|04:31pm] |
why is happiness such a difficult thing to find? we can spend our whole life in search of it and come up empty handed. paper bills and expensive 'things' seem to turn this world these days. what happened to the simple pleasures, the ones found naturally on earth. you can find it in the soil you walk on, the fresh leaves you smell, the person by your side, the conversations never said that should have been said. we spend so much time searching and searching when it is right under our noses the entire time. "We can only love when we take the time to forgive. when we forgive we will be loved."
I'm so tired of always searching for happiness in my life. I'm always so tired, isn't that what i always say? at nineteen i search for meaning. i've been searching for my entire existance. why must it be so hard to find? when will i find it? time stands still and i look around this warn out room, nothing but 'things'. the only thing that seems to help me are these words, all of these words. these scars are just attempts at hope; freedom. isn't that what we're all looking for?
I think i need a change. I need to help someone who needs help. something to make me appreciate my existance, an experience. i want to help, because maybe in the end it will help me. "life is only really enjoyed when shared."
I'm tired of sitting around watching my life pass me by. Give me something real.
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[24 May 2008|02:24am] |
I had a conversation with my friend yesterday.
She doesnt know I cut.
She basically told me she thought people that cut themselves are weak. She had so little understanding in her voice...
That's the girl I'm going to be living together with starting next school year...
How could I ever tell her I'm a cutter...
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[17 May 2008|09:20pm] |
It hurts me, a lot, when they drink.
I hate listening to them, I hate when they talk to me.
I hate seeing them . like that.
I want to cut so bad.
I hate everything right now.
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[18 May 2008|01:04am] |
Hey everyone,
I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really busy with mock exams and the real exams have started already. I'm kinda freaking out, and the stress level I'm feeling is not good. I've been reading this journal every once in a while tho and I must say there were no posts for a long time so Im hoping that is bcuz most of you have been doing better. When I was reading part of the entries, i saw toxic_disorder's one, and you mentioned you hadnt cut in 84 days. Well today is my 84th day! I hope we can all one day leave this behind, or at control it as much as possible :)
I've faith in you all
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[16 May 2008|11:28am] |
Hey,
Im sick of bullshit. Just plain over it. I mean fuck what have i ever actually done to anybody yet people are always treating me like shit and walking all over me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant be honest with anyone about how i feel so im back here once again.
Oh and as i was randomly abused by a girl who i thought was a friend she was like oh and and is it true you cut your foot? I mean W T F ? ! ? Its bad enough theyre spreading rumours about me but that? Every single group i pick to be my friends ends up fucked up. I think im going to give up trying to be social and just go with the flow, you know be my own person and all that shit.
My friend, well more of an aquantence hung herself a month ago and i dont really know why but i really upset me. I just guess it hit close to home ya know. And its all i can think about, i visit her bebo page everytime im online and listen to the song whe requested every single day. I just keep thinking about it more and more and more. I mean what if she made a mistake and what if there is nothing after this, just nothing. What about her baby girl. What about everything, the sky, trees, snow? I mean what if its just nothing but black? But then what if its not. There must have been a reason to want something else so bad. I mean fuck we all think about it. But i dont want to be forgotten, like what if there is NOTHING after this, and then eveything else you've done is forgotten and the only thing showing that you were ever like anything at all is a plaque in the cemetery and a body in the ground? I just cant let it go ever. My boyfriend said i was obsessed, and maybe i am but i just cant let it go. I mean her friends obviously cant live without her and she thought she had nothing going for her. I dont even have friends and im still here. Maybe someones trying to tell me something. That i should just fuck off and never come back.
Fuck im so confused and wish i just had someone to talk to and answer my questions but no im all alone with no one to save me now.
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[13 May 2008|10:22am] |
I surprisingly have no regrets today. I'm glad I did it. I feel better. I was just expressing how I was feeling. I can't trust anyone so I can't tell anyone how I feel. I'm even beginning to regret telling Penski so much. At this point I just want to retreat and be alone. Go back to how things were. When I didn't tell anyone anything I was feeling. I didn't have to worry about people betraying my trust. I know I can trust myself and that's it.
Seven times. Seven cuts. Still bleeding this morning. One keeps ripping open. The last one. It's the worst but felt the best. My legs look a terrible mess but somehow I like it. The cuts all uneven and unsymmetrical. Not me at all, usually everything perfect and equal. I drive myself crazy some days trying to be perfect. School the biggest stress of all. I try to get perfect grades but since I started college that's gone out the window. I've lost perfection.
I feel as though my mom's betrayal has completely changed me inside. I don't even know if I could explain it. I just want to be alone. I know if I'm around people I'm going to have to pretend. Pretend that everything is okay. It's easier to be alone. Although today is going to be one big day of pretending. I'm going over Andrew's soon and then I have to close at work tonight. I can do it. I'll make it. Anyways I'm out. ttyl
nicole
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[11 May 2008|12:41am] |
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it's been 84 days since my last cut .. it's been on my mind alot lately but i haven't caved yet and hopefully won't .. i really wanna one day be able to say i made a full year .. if i ever do i have a small tattoo in my mind that i wanna get done on the day that i make a year. i feel good that i haven't cut in a while. i'm just taking things day by day and trying to get through the urges and shit. it's been a big part of my life since i was 9 and so i'm working on it. it's difficult cuz the longest i've ever gone without it since i started was 7 months .. i want more than anything to make a year so i'm really gunna try hard this time. i had 5 months b4 the last slip up .. so we'll see. just wanted to update. i hope everyone's well.
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[16 Mar 2008|11:33pm] |
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Half Jack - The Dresden Dolls |
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I am going INSANE.
but I don't know.
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| why cut? here's why... |
[13 Mar 2008|10:20am] |
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discontent |
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i'm a horrible person & i don't care...
[should i?]
i'm falling for a guy, that just like the others, wants me only because i'm easy...he's a total whore and talks to more girls than i've even known in my life, yet i don't care. He's just like the fucking rest & i know this...He doesn't even make me feel good...he just knows how to touch me right...that's the only reason why i let him do it...I just can't find a good reason to tell him "no"...then again, who have i ever said no to? He knows i have a boyfriend, that i LIVE WITH, yet, we still mess around...& i hate it.
i wish i could stay inlove with the ones the treat me right, instead of cheating on them with the ones that treat me bad...
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[09 Mar 2008|11:51pm] |
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Zo niet mij - Typhoon |
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So this weekend I saw A for the first time after the balcony thing. He walked into the eatingplace i was sitting with my friends. It was so awkward....The first look we exchanged was one of complete awkwardness....Then he came over to say hi, and then he left again...
Late that night at like 1 or 2 we were at this bar, and I see A's friend walk in. He seemed kinda drunk and disorientated, but alone, so me and my friend went up to him to say hi. On that moment A walked in as well, also looking kinda drunk. Just staring at me. I was trying so hard not to look at him, but I felt his eyes on me.
When i did look at him, he was looking at my high heels, gave me a compliment on my shoes, and then them and my friend went on talkin in turkish.
They left and me and my friends were kinda loudly discussing the incident on the balcony cuz they didnt know abt it. So one of the guys loudly says : u can do better.
On that moment A's friend calls my friend over (they had been standing in the hallway all along :| OH GOD)
and him and A ask her if me and her want to join them at this other bar. Ofcourse she said: we'll see.
we never went...I think that was gud. I mean he was drunk right, so he prob just needed someone to hook up with since ms girlfriend wasnt there....
I wished I could just see him the way he sees me, no emotions, no bullshit, just as a toy. That would be so much better. That way nobody would get hurt...
Ofcourse I always get emotionally involved =D
I really feel like cutting, I'm trying to resist the urge tho. Im on springbreak but still have to go to art the whole week to complete my portfolio for the final interview in april. And if I cut, I wont be able to cover them up in art, cuz if I wear bracelets they'll get covered in shit, and ppl in my artclass will be like why dont u take them off weirdo!?
Ah well! Take care everyone :)
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[05 Mar 2008|08:12pm] |
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sad |
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i feel like he's pushing me away and it makes me feel meaningless and unimportant to him, which makes me want to cut to be relieved of the rejection and hurt. i don't even know if he means to do it. i don't think he does. i'm so worried about him, is all. i love him so much. he says he loves me but it can't be as much as i love him. we used to be so perfect....he seems depressed and like there is just something wrong and either he won't tell me or he just doesn't know what it is. i hope that going to the psychiatrist helps him and that all of this weirdness and hurt stops. i just want it to be normal again. i want him to really love me. i don't want just words. i care about him so much...
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| the first time in a long time... |
[04 Mar 2008|09:01pm] |
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it's the first time in i don't know how long that i've been tired, suicidal, and like depressed and haven't wanted to cut...i look at the side of my thighs and i can still read the shit i carved in there so long ago...and i kinda regret it now...i mean, i know it felt good at the time and all, but now i just feel dumb that it's still there...and i feel shitty if i want to go swimming or dress in like a shorts or a crop top, basically anything that shows off my body all i think about is "does anyone else notice that?" i mean, the ones on my stomach are so faded that you would have to know what they said and exactly where they were to see them now...but i'm still so aware of them...it sucks...but every now and then i still want to do it...tonight strikes me as a surprise, since i don't want to...but i know it'll come back...maybe i'll go back to my wrists since the weather is getting warmer...
w/e, a release is a release, no matter where it bleeds from...
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[04 Mar 2008|11:05am] |
Spring / Summer is COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
u know what that means right?
Short sleeves.. SCARS!
What am i gonna do? it gets really hot here and i cant stand ppl asking me "Whats with the freakin sweater?"
AGH i hate summer i fuckin hate it.
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[03 Mar 2008|11:39pm] |
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i wish we had a chat.
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| ugh.... |
[03 Mar 2008|11:24pm] |
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depressed |
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Smashing Pumpkins-We Only Come Out At Night |
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Subject: ugh....
Time: 11:19 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music: Smashing Pumpkins-We Only Come Out At Night.
well...it's been almost 1 year and 2 months and i feel like a "relapse" might occur. i don't know what it is...i'm just unhappy with the way things are in my life right now. when i was weening myself off of cutting, i used the rubber band trick and i eventually didn't even need to do that anymore but now i feel the urge to.
it seems like there is a small distance between my boyfriend and i. i am afraid of losing him again and i keep getting upset over small things because of it. it seems like he doesn't think as highly of me as he used to. i don't even feel like i can talk to him about it. i'm so scared.
on top of this, i hate college. i don't ever want to go to class. i have to force myself to. i've been skipping more than i did lat semester. i just want it to be summer. i want to listen to music all day and spend time with the people i love everyday. i just want to feel free. i want to be free.
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