Blurty for brie.

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Friday, May 28th, 2004

Subject:a song.. about how i feel
Time:7:43 pm.
this is a song that accually pretty much kinda nails how i feel. but its a lil different. n e wayz here it iz..

"nobodys home" by avril lavigne

I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it EVERY DAY
I couldn't help her
I just watch her make
The same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies broken inside
No place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes broken inside

Open your eyes (open your eyes)
And look outside
Find the reason why (why)
You've been rejected (you've been rejected)
And now you can't find
What you left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs

(Repeat Chorus)

Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place (yeah!)

(Repeat Chorus)

She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh)
She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh) oooh
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Subject:lo0o0ong time huh?
Time:7:36 pm.
Mood: weird.
its been a long time. and im sry. lol. nothing really has happened. execpt one thing. which my mom promised she4 wouldnt do. but i cant ever trust my mom. she always lies to me. i dont think i can accually think of one time when she's kept a promise to me in the last 5 yrs. and i give her clues to how i feel, and why i do the things i do.. but she doesnt pay attention. ugh i dont care n e more. so this is what she did.. i called her during lunch to come pick me up cuz i didnt feel good.. and she thought i jus didnt wanna do pe. or go cut . r something. and i have a older sister who goes to my school, and they called her name on the whatchamacallit.. but they really meant me. and so at the end they find me and it turns out after i called my mom went to the school consalor and told her everything. about my cuts, and other stuff tew. which im not gonna say. lol. so im pissed at my mom. and crap. but, i got a new snake. its a rosy boa, and its name is "mr . sexi pants" idk y, my friend told me it. im not sure if its a guy or girl tho! lol! it would be cool if it was a girl. .. mr sexi pants... yeaa.. lol. and now i feel bad cuz i fed it a pinkie yesterday.. and it was so sad. a pinkie is a 1 day old feeder mouse. and its like 1/2 inch. and its hairless .. and its blind.. its SO sad. *tear*
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Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

Subject:im really confused..
Time:5:48 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:the boy who blocked his own shot. by brand new.
my life is a mess. sometimes in the middle of the night, i hear someone screaming. i also see things sometimes i think. i see something in the corner of my eye. and then when i turn to see what it is, its gone. and im freaking myself out right now. im in a dark room with no lights and im hearing werid noises. i feel like someone is looking at me all the time but no one is! and then i tell my mom this yesterday when we went to costco and she is all "we have to get u checked out, u have a disease." im like wtf! no i dont!! im praying i dont. lol. maybe i am crazy. but it prolly runs in my family. n e wayz.. last night sucked. my lil cousins came over, and my older cousin. they r all annoying. i went skateboarding with my older cousin tho. we have diz hiill thats really steep and we rode down it really fast. it was wicked. lol. and then we did that earlier today but i was sitting on my board and i put my hand down to slow down and my hand went under the wheels. tat hurt sooo bad. it cut the skin. but i didnt bleed. lol. speaking of bleeding, i cut really really deep last night and it wouldnt stop bleeding. i was kinda hopeing i would bleed to death. but no. of course not. im still stuck here. in this fuked up world. wtf ever. im still gonna keep trying to die. n e wayz.. i love this song. its called the boy who blocked his own shot. by brand new. here is the lyrics.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin.
Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain.
You are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

lol i love brand new soo muchies!! ok i g2g. bye
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Friday, May 21st, 2004

Subject:i hate my mom
Time:5:04 pm.
Mood: angry.
i am so sick of everyone telling me what to do. im so sick of everything. she gives everything i ever get to my fucking cousins she loves so much. why cant my mom jus leave me alone. its not like she cares about me at all. no1 in my family does
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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Time:5:15 pm.
i just want to die. y the fuk am i still here? oh i know. cuz everytime i fucking try to kill myself it doesnt fuking work! why is this happening to me..
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Sunday, May 16th, 2004

Time:12:52 pm.
so.. yesterday i went to great america (theme park) with my lil cousins and uncle. it sucked so bad. i brought like 15 $$ to buy something.. and my uncle saw and was like "oh will u buy something for ally and jonathan?!" its not like i can say no. so i was just left moneyless at the end of the day. but idc lol. they have this new part in great america.. its like a tun of water slides.. and the ride is like.. 25 seconds and u have to wait in line for like 1 n a half hrs. it was sooo not worth the wait either. soo.. that was my day yesterday. ill write bak l8er. bye
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Subject:what am i doing here
Time:12:39 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
Music:system of a down.
what am i doing here? like .. seriously. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve the suffering. the bleeding. i just want to die so bad. and when i try, i come so close.. but i dont. i always live. always. im sick of living. kaylas saying that im put on this world for a reason, and i just have to keep searching for it. but im tired of looking for the reason. im sick of crying myself to sleep everynite. im sick of faking happiness. and even when i do fake it, most people can see through.. but they dont do ne thing. if i were one of my friends, id try to help um out. but no0o0o00o0... its ONLY brie. we dont care if she kills herself. well i dont either. if i fuking died i dount n e one would notice. and if they did.. i know they wouldnt care.
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Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Subject:some friend..
Time:11:11 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:the sound of my crying.
i just thought of something that really brought me down. my "friend" called me not last nite, but the nite before, and was just a fuking asshole. i nvr showed/told n e one i cut other then kayla, jen, and zack. my mom and sister know.. but yea. ok my "friend" who called me name is allison. and she was like "omg brie. im so sick of your crap. why dont you go and cut.. its what your damn good at!" i had no idea she .. knew.. about me cutting. i never told her, or showed her. after she said that i hung up. but i have no idea why she'd say that. she knows that kind of crap brings me down and hurts me. and its not like she doesn't understand n e thing i'm going thru. she 100% does. she used to b like this.. and i helped her out of it. now what does she do when i need her? she makes it worse. so much worse.
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Subject:im so sick of people telling me what to do.
Time:10:56 am.
Mood: sad.
Music:sublime : what i got.
im SO sick of people telling me what to do. im my own person, and people shouldnt tell me what to do. im old enough to make choices for myself. so, here i am.. stuck at my uncle's house. with nothing to do but watch my cousins and hear my mom bitch at me. i didnt even want to fucking come here. and then my uncle tells me that im going to great america with him, ally, and jonathan. (ally n jonathan r my little cousins, ally is 5.. jonathan is 3?). and he only wants me to go so he wont have to watch them. im not a fuking babysitter. and on top of everything else.. just to make my life worse.. kayla is gone till sunday. she called last nite .. but i didnt answer the phone in time. she made me promise a few times that i wont kill myself. and i know she doesnt want me to cut.. but im still gonna cut.
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Blurty for brie.

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