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Friday, December 12th, 2003
5:11 pm - socializing
so, in an effort to be more social, i'm thinking i should be going to the work christmas party today. its just at a bar down the street, but i really don't like associating with people form work. i never say anything other than the occational sarcastic remark.

idon't want to go. i have a couple of good reasons tohugh. i'm going over to greg and liz's to hang out for a bit, before i head to a concert tonight. so i'm already doing some socializing, which is good. do i need to do more with people 15 years older than me with nothing in common? plus, they always ask if i'm going out with anyone, and now it hurts when i have to say no. finally, there is benson, who ican't just leave for the entire day.

i tihnk i'm going to smoke some pot and then decide.

i'm so bad at self improvement.

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12:47 pm - why do i bother
sent my ex an e-mail from work todayre: an old guy who was hit by a car the otehr day (we both knew who this guy was sort of). all ti was really was note to say, "hey look at me! i'm trying to be friends like you wanted" and all i get back is a terse answer.

i don't think we're going to actually exchange gifts. i can't decide if i want to keep the overpriced but pretty good out of print cds, or just resell them on ebay. i don't know.

current mood: indifferent

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Thursday, December 11th, 2003
4:28 pm - common spaces after a breakup
it feels really weird to be online when my ex is. i have messenger on to try to be more social. but she signs on. do i ignore her (what i've been doing)? do i chat with her? sign out? pretend to signout? block her altogether (not something i want to do).

and i feel really weird hanging at the coffee shop. i'm always afraid she mgiht come in, and then they're be an awkward talk. probably with an audience. hasn't happened yest, but seeing as we haven't actually spoken since, it probably going to be weird when we physically run into each other.

current mood: groggy
current music: belle & sebastian - steo into my office baby

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12:22 pm - self improvement - part two
i guess self improvement is the main reason is tarted writing this journal. it'll help me sort out my various thoughts and hopefully deal with a few issues.

i used to make a living writing, then about five and half years ago, there was the incident, and i couldn't stand to look at anything i wrote. i still don't here. sometimes i remember to spell check, but i haven't started re-reading it yet. but then, it's only been a few days.

while i doubt there is anyone actually reading this, if you do, please forgive the tangents. i had a drama instructor once who actually said something relevan: leave the tangents in; they're the most interesting part.

anyway, i'm writing this, and i'm leaving it open for those who want to read. i don't think anyone can learn anything from this (excpet maybe me).

plus, i think reading this will be wholly depressing. i don't know why, but everything i write now is so dripping in angst. pretty ridiculous.

i think i'm going to go into work this afternoon to show off my puppy again. i actually have to go to work tomorrow.but not too much more for the rest of the year, which is nice.

i wonder if my ex will ever actually call me. i also wonderif i want her to. i'm half and half right now.

current mood: calm
current music: i would find it so beautiful - saturday looks good to me

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9:53 am - accidents
grr. why can't benson wait until i'm up and dressed before he goes for a morning pee?

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
11:41 pm - self medication
i know i need to stop smoking marijuana. yet i bought more today.

am i addicted to a non-addictive substance? probably, but i get addicted to everything i like. i avoid any sort of gambling and hard drugs just because i know i'd get hooked in a snap.

anyway, when i don't smoke, i start to think about all of the things i've been putting off thinking about and dealing with.

i smoked a joint this morning and was sober for the afternoon in to the evening. by nine o'clock i was in such a bad mood. i went to the neighbours and purchased some decent, but not great weed. smoked a really big joint. now i am content.

the gossip just came on. i fucking love them. i should really buy and album.

i'm not sure what started first. smoking to kill the boredom or smoking caused the boredom. nothing really interests me now (and when i say now, i don't mean its recent, i just mean its still the present). i don't watch tv or listen to the radio. i'm not patient enough to read things on the internet. i don't know my music anymore (my ex completely shames me in that category. one of the reasons i liked her). i think my memory is shot, but i'm stoned all of the time when not at work. i need to stop.

current mood: contemplative
current music: ilya - poise is the greater architecht

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8:38 pm - self improvement
despite what my ex claims, i needto be a better person. in what ways? i'm not sure. just be more sociable i guess.

i blame the gifted program for my social awkwardness. i went to a grade school by (short) bus, and was a 15 minute drive from my nearest friends. given that i was in grade school, i could not drive myself, and thus my social interactions relied upon parents (mine or theirs) to transport us for social interaction.

i spent most of my time watching tvs, and once the vcr era dawned upon my parents - watching movies.

everything i know about social interaction, which isn't much, i learned from movies. there is no such thing in my life as a simple relationship. its always true love. thats how it is in the movies, and so thats how it is with me.

pretty pathetic.

anyway, self improvement.

first thing, i have to stop smoking pot. as much as i like it, and as much as it helps me deal, its gotta go.

second, lose weight. over the past three or four months, without trying, i've dropped one, if not two pant sizes. i sometimes wonder if its a tape worm, but then i realize its just that i don't eat as much. i used to be able to do 4 helpings of thanksgiving dinner, now its one, with maybe a second go at the stuffing. i don't know that i need to lose weight, but it would probably make me feel better about myself. course, i'm the only one who thinks i'm fat. god, when did i become a high school girl?

third, well, it should be quitting smoking in general, but i think it will be drinking more. that'll help me to socialize, even if its just as a drunken ass. i had some good times with my ex when we were drunk, either both of us or just one of us soused.

i'm think for christmas, i'll do a twelve days of christmas thing, where instead of a partridge in a pear tree, its a beer of some sort, and the five gold rings could five shots of goldschlagger, or whatever. so when dec 31 (the twelfth (sp?) day of christmas) rolls around, i'll have to do a mountain of drinking.

but maybe not. i don't know.

current mood: pensive
current music: american analogue set

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12:53 am - revenge fantasies
i sometimes think of doing things to piss off my ex, like dating someone she hates, or dating someone she likes. i know both of these things would bother her. but then i remember she didn't do anything wrong.

i'm listening to adorable. i got my ex adorable's first (ouit of print) cd for christmas, along with the first two cd singles. i also hada shirt made special. i feel like its too much of a present now. she's wanted this album forever.

i'm not even how sad i am about the breakup. well, i'm sad, but for the wrong reasons.

current mood: discontent
current music: adorable - vendetta

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Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
7:40 pm - whatever
i really like the onion. funny stuff.

so when a relationship goes sour because one party likes the other to a greater degree, and things only seem to work as friends, why does going back to being friends have to be so hard? its so weird looking at things after a breakup. i can't get past the idea that soon things will just fix themselves and we'll get together. nor can i get past the knowledge that this is never going to work.

i still feel so high school when it comes to relationships. everyone is the most important things in hte world and love is going to last orever. then it doesn't, and life goes on. somewhere on the line, i must have skipped relationship school. i can be such a spaz.

i'm supposed to go out for coffee with an ex-girlfriend (whom I was actually engaged to at one point - secretly). everyone i know hate this girl, except me (and, well, the friends of her's that i know). my most recent ex hated this ex because of things that were said after our first breakup.

current mood: blase
current music: pinback - lyon

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6:26 pm
after accumulating over a months worth of overtime over the past three months, i've been trying to use it up as vacation. watching a lot of movies, most not very good. i've also been watching the first season of angel on dvd. i was just about to start volume five when i found the rental place gave a copy of volume three instead. bummer.

i've also been using the time to bond with my new puppy benson, at this point, he's just over nine weeks old. he's a beagle, black and white, no brown. he's got freckles on his nose like a pointer does, he's not pure bred, but the people i got him from said both parent were beagles. whatever.

house training him sucks. and he bites a lot. not as bad now as when i first got him though. it worries me that he's not even three months old but already humps legs.

i just started reading the great american novel by phillip roth yesterday. i was pleasantly surprised when i found out it involved baseball. funny, as i just finished reading a book of wp kinsella baseball shorts.

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2:17 am
its just under two weeks from christmas, and despite its haunting of the malls, the christmas spirit has yet to spook me.

already way ahead of the game. have my moms presents, some stocking stuffers, a really expensive cd i order from overseas for the girl i just broke up with. i did just get a new puppy. which is good. but the puppy is difficult at times.

i find i'm not so patient any more.

i'm usually very patient.

i'm not sure why i'm writing.

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