viscious fish's Blurty|
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viscious fish's Blurty:
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|Monday, August 2nd, 2004|
so my sexy bisexual pornstar roomate Jeff moved out this morning after disappearing for a week, guess he was in the hospital ODed on G or got drugged or something. strange to think of gay date rape. so the downfall of not being single is that he occasionally lived in my apartment for a month and I never hooked up with him. It's a pity.
God is going to strike me down. 9:30 am Monday morning leaving for work already having smoked a bowl with Jeff to say goodbye and scraped up the crumbs of coke from the weekend off my cd case and did a line alone in my living room. My 3rd experience with the drug and I realize that I'd probably do way too much of it if it was around, but I wouldn't go out looking for it.
So went to an art gallery opening / punk show saturday afternoon to see chachi play, was drunk by 3pm off southern comfort and good ol PBR. Popped some expired mini thins, which were fun and speedy and opened up my lungs, somebody told me they're for emphezema, so it has the opposite effect of the tightness in my chest that I don't like from smoking weed sometimes. It also has epedrine in it though, so I ended up tweaky a bit and hopped the lightrail to go to another show at the skating rink to see Toowamp, Mo's band. Rollerblading drunk was fun and glidy, still have my street hockey skills from when I was younger. Flirty cutting each other off, ended up at an afterparty until late and crashed out at home around 2am. Woke up after a couple hours to lots of voices. Wandered into my livingroom to find a group of people doing lines at 5am. Was not going to join them, but the idea of mini golf at the opening time came up, so I took a catnap and woke up at 9:30am after drinking all night to a line of coke. What a way to wake up! Felt fucking great, this extatic energy, but not jittery like yesterday, just glowing and ready, and we had a destination. By the time we made it through the first half of the course I was starting to crash a bit, and the guys went into the bathroom to bump back up. I wanted to join, and finally knocked on the stall door, probably freaking the shit out of them, came in and did a line in the men's bathroom at a children's mini golf place on a sunday morning. Life is rediculous and loads of fun. I love summer.
|Monday, July 19th, 2004|
death disquised as fungus
I thought I was going to die Saturday night. An extremely drunken fun night ended with me eating mushrooms, and maybe it was just a bad combination, but other people got all crazy off them too. I looked all cracked out and twitchy with eyes like quarters. Usually when contemplating death on psychedelics I get a calm, energy cannot be created or destroyed and we are all a part of infinite circles where death is unavoidable yet impermanent. Not last night. It was too intense, I closed my eyes and everything was focused inward, tracking down and analyzing every flaw of my diseased flesh, and I was afraid of getting old and sick, sure that I had put poisen in my body, that I was not right, and was going to die a melted pile on my floor and that nobody would really notice. So I swore to myself and any god who would listen that if I made it through the night that I would never do drugs again. I don't know where I stand on that today, but know that I need to take care of myself, because even if people walk me home and drunkenly bandage my stumble wounds that I alone am the keeper of my mortality and that I still have a lot of important shit to do. It bothered me though that I talked to my ex and told him about it and that I thought if I had of died that night that nobody would be surprised....and he agreed with me. Makes me wonder how much I am really becoming this reckless character whom I like to portray.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Sugarcubes
|Saturday, July 17th, 2004|
numb me up and recreate me
just don't ask me to endure a pointless journey
I came to some conclution long ago but I forgot it
found the key to the universe but I think I may have dropped it
whoah - oh- oh
Felt it buried deep inside my favorite pocket
disquised as a colored pill, so I quickly popped it
whoah - oh - oh
numb me up and recreate me
just don't ask me to endure a pointless journey
|Saturday, July 10th, 2004|
standing strong, supporting
someone who has not seen me suffer
pain purged in private
I'm mistaken as stable
towards mystical mountains
in a mission to mend
ignoring my innards
as they torture with truths
attracted towards troubles
more immediate than mine
don't want to depend
need is unnecessary
please let me pretend
that I stand solitary
sometimes I crumble
drip lonely tear
must learn to be humble
if I want someone here
|Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004|
|Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... |
|Category||Your Score ||Average |
Explored the pleasures of the flesh
Puts 'em on the glass
|Sex Drive ||57.9%|
A fool for love, but not always
Knows the other body type like a map
|Gayness ||37.5% |
At least one weekend of ecstacy
|Fucking Sick||69% |
Dipped into depravity
|You are 45.27% pure|
Average Score: 72.7%
|Wednesday, June 16th, 2004|
rowdy reckless nights, rebel boy with whiskey breath
liquor's invincible lure leaves foggy fun memories
together we could rip apart this town,
lean on each other so we don't fall down
but sometimes I'm sober and it seems so stupid
tear down a flag and piss on it,
ooh, you're such an anarchist
surprised somebody can be more trouble than me
get jealous and break some shit
skate away and throw a fit
I should be sick of it
sometimes I'm sober and you seem so stupid
sometimes I'm sober, so I have another drink
excused from being expected to think
|Wednesday, May 12th, 2004|
three days, everlasting
since the point we started fasting
denying the comfort
of a familiar touch.
I know I'm wrong for you yet I long for you
in my dream it seems alright
pain seduced away by night
memory floods through the blind
sharp light prys awake my mind
I must give you space,
time can heal, perhaps erase
hope not to loose
what's been a part of me
I still care for you, but can't be there for you
|Friday, February 27th, 2004|
the nature of emotions...
Ask me why I'm sad, and I don't know, it comes upon me like an air compression chamber, pressure applied so slowly that by the time it is crushing me I'm not sure when it started.
But happiness isn't something that you have to find a root of, so why do we have to decifer a cause of sadness? I think I make it worse by sitting around trying to find a reason. My stoned roomie made the simple comment that nothing stays the same, so just as you know your happiness will not always last, neither will your sadness, which should have sounded depressing but was re-assuring. I suppose all I can do is hope that my downward momentum is fueling an eventual manic swing up.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: dj danger mouse - grey albumn
|Tuesday, December 9th, 2003|
Your Sex Sign is Gemini!
You're a sexual wild child who's aiming to do it all - or die trying.
Getting with you is a total adventure, so people should only hop on if they can handle the ride.
No one can predict your next sex move... you'll do anything to get off!
Gemini, people better look out for you.
You need a lover who is a match for your wit, intelligence, and sexual curiousity.
You are unpredictible, moody, highly entertaining, adventurous, versatile, and an incredible flirt.
You have the tendency to be promiscious.
You hardly ever wear underwear, and you are the most likely of all the signs to shave ... down there.
Your sexual curiousity knows no bounds.
You'll try anything and try it often.
You jump at the chance to engage in threesomes - but only if it's a guy-guy-girl thing.
Typically, an orgy will always revolve around you.
You love gadgets, especially sex toys.
Being highly sexual, you love to incorporate sex toys in to intercourse.
It's a challenge to keep up with you...
And your lover must be willing change sexual positions and techniques to keep you satisfied.
You are an unpredictible person who seeks the same in a lover.
You like sex in unusual places, including: phonebooths, movie theaters, and airplane bathrooms.
What's *Your* Sex Sign?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Judgement and Fame
This is a semi-drunken rant/poem I wrote after watching my school's film festival and seeing myself act in a nude scene (very tastefully done by the way), and realising that people who don't know me know nothing of me but this image upon the screen, who is a character created outside of myself. Strange.
I am not building an image for you to worship or demonize,
maybe creating an archetype to dig into the collective unconcience
Somebody else's energy and ideas flowing through me onto the projected screen,
reflecting light off it into your eyes, gateway to the soul.
You see this picture as me, but perhaps you are afraid because you see it as you,
but the truth is that it's neither............and it is both.
If you see it and judge me, without knowing me in flesh,
then you are probably somebody who would damn me eventually anyhow,
so take stories you hear as stories, the entertainment that they are,
and worry not whether they are true, for you can find much truth in fiction as well as lies in reality.
Current Mood: reflective
Current Music: Kidney Thieves / Spank
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003|
You probably have a closet consisting mostly of
wife beaters or white pocket tees, a leather
jacket, mens boots, and leather pants or levis.
You're pretty agressive when it comes to
dating, you definitely like to be on top! What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You??? brought to you by Quizilla
go-go dancers and trapeeze stars
I was born to run away with the circus. I want to be a bohemian gypsy drifter girl. You always get to leave a place before it becomes too real or mundane, and surround myself in surreal lights and freaks. I dreamed of being a trapeeze star when I was young, like for years on end. I begged my dad put one up on our tree house, he says he did but I don't remeber it which makes me think he's lying. So that is my number one dream job, but number two on the list is probably go-go dancing, which I'm doing in a week for a christmas party at a club, woo hoo for getting a hundred dollars for dancing without taking my clothes off, I love to dance, and don't even mind being naked so I thought I'd be a stripper, but then I realized that the kind of people at strip clubs don't much care about the dancing and that was what I was there for. so I'm gunna dance on stage, and I think Paula is going to come down and work it too, that should be tons of fun!
|Monday, November 10th, 2003|
| YOU ARE FIRE!
Your inner element is one of great passion and
intensity. You are a dramatic person who loves
attention and knows how to get it. You tend to
friends and admirers around you wherever you go.
You have a strong intellect, tend to have
strong opinions on issues close to your heart
and don't know the meaning of tact. You are
generally an active person who loves sports and
all things competitive... and you like to win!
Any career that will bring you the attention
you crave and uses your talents of persuasion
is ideal for you. Love tends to elude you
frequently - you can more easily find passion
or good friendship than true love. When you do
finally fall in love... you fall with all your
heart. However, when it comes to the passion
end of things, you are second to none.
Your greatest strengths are your courage to express
yourself no matter what and your incredible
charisma. You weaknesses are a tendency to
narcissism and the possibility of alienating
others with your forwardness. Balancing your
strengths and weaknesses is crucial for you to
achieve balance in your life.
Astrologically, Fire is associated with the signs
of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You are most
compatible for either love or friendship with
another Fire Elemental or with an Air. You are
least compatible with a Water Elemental.
Now that you have an idea of your strengths and
weaknesses, why don't you put them to the test?
If you follow my lead I can take you to a game
world where you can explore different sides of
yourself and taste real power....
the world can be yours.
Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 0, Phoenix
: The Eternal."And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.
As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
|Thursday, November 6th, 2003|
Fucking surreal wierd shit man. Paula finally called and I went up to her millionaire boyfriend's house with dinosaur statues in the yard, a pool, a tennis court and his own massuise / concubine cuarters. The living room was filled with wierd statues from Africa of tribal gods and elephants, all set up like a museum where you shouldn't touch anything. In the wierd atmosphere I hung out with Paula like two friends catching up, discovered our shared passion for photography, and had fun chillin, cooking salmon and drinking chocolate cake shots, as sweet and intoxicating as Paula and the crazy little fantasy world I'd been dropped into.
When we'd decided to stay in for the night, I snuck a kiss with Paula when her bf was out of the room, as if he'd be upset. From his reactions I could tell that Paula brought girls home with him too, as we were all getting naked he acted like it was nothing out of the ordinary, and by the way she talked dirty I knew that she may have changed a bit and grown out her bush for this guy, but she was still the same crazy party girl from Tahoe. All in all, it was just a fun night, I feel like I'm getting closer to Paula as a friend, and everything else is just a good time all around. It's different than Tahoe, because I really fell for Rob, and this is just fooling around cuz it's kinda wild and fun.
|Thursday, October 9th, 2003|
Went seriously party hopping on Friday, ran into lots of old friends, met new ones, fun fun drunken good times. So much easier to break awkward social barriers when intoxicated. Smoked a bowl on the corner w/random people at 3am. Managed to be flirty all night and not make out with anyone, go me! But I can feel my slutty nature creeping back to the surface, partly cuz I never see David anymore.
School's going well, filming scenes, finished music video, have same people in lots of classes. Did the morning after scene from Chasing Amy, so was all cuddled up on couch w/ripped guy from class, kissed a couple times, wierd with camera, but fun to be in character, so he had to shut up, not be stupid jock guy and just lay there looking sexy and cuddle with me. I like acting, can just get lost in the scene's situation and character, fun cuz I have lots of different sides anyhow. Got people asking me to act in there projects outside of class too. I think that's the draw that one night stands used to have, could just be some persona for the night, hook up with somebody, not really having to know them completely, just the them they are in that moment, create something beautiful, then disapear into the mist before it gets too real or dull.
Current Music: Kidney Thieves "Crazy"
|Tuesday, September 30th, 2003|
Grrr.....I hate flaky ass people, and it's worse that I know she's like that and I swear to myself that I won't get exited because I know it probably won't work out as planned, but I still skip my class and get all giddy because Paula is in SF and says she's coming down to hang out and party. Fuckin whatever, I'm glad I didn't take the train up to meet them and fly to Tahoe w/her boyfriend cuz they probably would have ditched me anyhow. Swear I'll learn, but promises of good times are always so tempting as to make me believe anything, then feel stupid waiting around for a phone call. I never care this much, but I haven't seen her in a long time and I miss that party scene, the crazy sexy do anything that seems like a blast at the moment sort of thing, and people wanting me to be a part of it with them. Partly also because Paula is so overtly sexual and she brings that out in me too, something I think I'm missing being like now. Oh, and I'm too broke to go to Vegas and my fake ID is lame.
|Saturday, September 20th, 2003|
so I finally heard back from Tahoe and Paula wants to hang out with me. Which means that they didn't loose my number, they just didn't call, that kinda hurt a bit. Africa was all a scam, was never going to happen, and here I had thrown my whole life into upheval and almost lost my relationship with David over this and Rob, and I don't even get a call to say that he doesn't want me to come visit anymore. But whatever, I'm totally over him now and memories just seem like some wierd made up dream. Which is why it was strange to hear from Paula, the crazy party girl who sucked my titties on the dance floor at the foam party the night I met her. But we are mainly friends, just like to have fun...naked. I started getting nervous about how it would be seeing her in a differnt situation, and she has a different boyfriend, but I realized it doesn't matter, I'd just go up there in the little plane he flies, party it up, hang out and see what happens.........but now it didn't work out, surprise surprise, I'm the good little school girl going to classes instead and I will not find out for a while, but she's invited me to Vegas, an all girls trip, which will take out the wierd element of her new bf and let us all just chill. Then if anything does happen between us I know that it's just for us, not to get some guy off. She's got this whole stripper exhibitionist aura about her, it's fun though.
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2003|
I've been a crazy klepto kid forever, remeber going to court when I was about 14 after getting caught with about 4 packs of smokes in my pockets, and telling them I'd probably of bought the damn things if they'd have let me. I steal from my work, from clothing stores, anything that gives me a bit of a rush and fucks the system, becuase I don't believe in all that corporate bullshit and don't mind fucking up their profits, but I'd never steal from a little store. Today however I have decided not to steal any more, a huge thing for me. not because I think I'll get caught or feel bad, but because stealing their products just means that I have giving in to their advertising, to their consumeristic society that makes me want and believe I need these things enough to steal them. I will not let them get to me like that.
Current Mood: resolved
Current Music: sleater kinney
|Tuesday, September 9th, 2003|
Well, I've gotten sucked into the whole online, write your shit down for people to see scene, goddess help us all. I just finished my paper journal , and it has fun stories, so I will continue that in some way here, and so the epic of viscious fish begins.....which was a name borne of a drunken night of plotting names for my band which never actual materialises into anything, but I can pretend.
Current Music: Garbage "push it"