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Red, Black and Green - Roy Ayers |
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My brief internment at the hospital has left me a poorer, but wiser, person. Let me share my wisdom with you.
The good things about being in hospital-
You thought there weren't any? Aha! This is where you are wrong and I am right. Because I'm wiser- remember?
The fuss
Everyone makes a fuss over you. And I mean everyone. Not just the nurses and ward boys but also the old lady and gent who came to look-in on their son in room 413 down the corridor but popped into yours by mistake precisely because they're old and, therefore, liable to make mistakes like popping into the wrong room. Of course, you may not be the kind who likes being fussed over. In which case you should probably get yourself operated at a roadside quack's. There nobody'd make a fuss over you. Promise.
The opulence
Dig this- air conditioning, cable television, room service and an adjustable bed. All with convenient remote controls. Just like in a five-star. Only, in a hospital you also get to get better. Which is more than I can say of today's five-stars.
The sponge-baths
And genuine women nurses. Need I say more?
The races
Gaah! You weren't expecting this one, were you? I have two words for you- wheelchair and stretcher! Once in, they wheel you everywhere. From your room to radiology. From radiology to ECG. From earth to the moon. Okay, maybe not from the earth to the moon. And it doesn't matter if you walked in and admitted yourself, they still wheel you everywhere. So you can play Me Schumacher, You Raikonnen (or the other way round going by current performances) with the guy from room 413 on your way to radiology and back! Of course, the ward boys expect a small tip at the end of it but then no one said F1 fun came cheap!!
The bad things about being in hospital
Yes there are these as well. For every coin has two sides and so do hospitals.
The food
The one thing that's not five-star is the food. Doesn't matter what you've been operated for, most hospitals subscribe to the Quicker Recovery through Crappy Food theory. Odorless, tasteless, unidentifiable goop is what you get to eat. And no, you can't lump it if you don't like it.
Dry shaving
I'd almost forgotten that its mandatory to have a shaved body on the OT table, so the doctor can have a clear operating field, until a seedy looking chap came to my room and announced himself as 'barber'. And he doesn't lather you up- no sir. Not for him the namby-pamby shave gels and after shave lotions with aloe vera to keep your skin soft and glowing. He just gets right down to business. With the result that, today, 5 days after the razor did it's job my skin is still cut, dry and itchy.
The money
And they charge a bomb for all of this. You either have mediclaim or plenty of money in the bank saved up for a rainy day (or a day when you need to have surgery at an expensive hospital) or you can just forget about the hospital and take a walk down to the friendly neighbourhood quack.
Then again, I wouldn't relish the quack giving me a sponge bath.
Then again again, he probably wouldn't give me one in the first place.
There. Neatly distilled wisdom for you. Formatted, bulletted and all that. Cheerio then...
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