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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
7:01p - something worth happening
its not fair. its not fucking fair. how does this shit happen. i dont fucking get it. i broke up with maddy im sorta really happy with that decision because it just wasnt working out and if it didnt work all 7 times then it probably wont happen. lets face it its not working. but whats worse is now i like this girl carry white. but i know that wont happen i barely see her around anyways. and now heres the climax of the story, i got to see a friend i havent seen since 5th grade. stacy carigg... well anyways in like no time i feel connected and now i think i found love at first site. she just seems so amazing. its not fair. she probably doesnt give a shit about me and shes got this boyfriend who apparently is gonna marry her or some shit like that but he sounds like a total fuck tard. it sounds like he treats her like shit and he probably does. hes fuckin paranoid over her. and if she ever left him shed probably go to matt leffler. its not fuckin fair. i acted like a total ass around her joking around like i usually do. i just really wanted to maybe just show her the better side of me. i want to show her true love. its a very strange world when you end up falling in love with the girl that you were scared of and ran away from durring childhood. god shes so fuckin pretty. screw sex. its perfect just to hear her voice.... god whats wrong with me!!!!!! stop it stop it stop it!!!!!! i feel like im stuck in a dashboard confessional video. god dammit. i dont mean to be me. maybe i should hide myself from everything again, like i was durring 8th grade and freshmen year. god im going. this is making my head hurt

current mood: confused
current music: brand new - jude law and the semester abroad

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9:27p - is enough finally enough when you least expect it
lets face it it really is over. im gone for good. im out of her life. i tried so hard to be friends with her friends expecially the ones i really dont like. i went over there to her house today. i shouldnt have. the only good thing i got out of it was that there was another hot girl there, but unfortunately i wasnt in the mood and two she was there with jerky (andrew) the guy i hate more than anyone. lets face it i cant hang out with those people. i cant hang out with the "goths" or the "punks" or even the alternative kids that hang at the group. i just cant seem to get along with any of them. so more likely starting monday im probably just gonna hang out over with my band mcCarthur cq. you know whats sad is i cant even get along with maddy. that really bothers me. she gets along better with jerky than she does me.

some days arent worth living

you said goodbye
i said hello
you said goodnight
and i screamed hell no
sometimes these days
just arent worth living!
if only it would just pass us by
a thousand night wondering why

shades of grey
lay upon my eyes
just maybe one day
itll be worth knowing why
why this would go down
the way it went down

the iv soaks into my blood
my mind lost beyond the stars
let me lay here
let me die
just let me die!!!!!!!!
disbeleif gets the best of us
i cant help but run from fear

lyrics by me

yes i wrote that song isnt it sad. you know what. its true. thats how i feel. thats how i am. no more games. no more attempts to feel something that doesnt exhist. i dont want to settle down with anyone yet! but i dont want to be known as the whore, i just want to be me. i just want to get to know people. experience new things (except for homosexuality) .., you know what. im going. this is hurting my head really bad. i hope i fall and die

current mood: blah
current music: thursday- understanding in a car crash

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