| its the burning sensation thatll get you everytime |
[23 Aug 2003|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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voodooglow skulls - el cool cooi |
] |
wow i was really all sad as shit yesterday. ive come to realize that there is no love for stacy like i thought there was. it was just i was so sad as hell that i thought maybe if i tried i could make something happen that can never ever happen. yes i admit it i do like caley. now i seem to like her alot but hey, andrew got to her first. and maddy cant yell at me because she likes her too. she also likes daniel and ryan (who she said she could never like that way because they had a brother sister relationship) thats cool though. i mean sure im taking a long break but that doesnt mean its over forever. even though chances are she'll find someone better than me and she'll end us forever. ut who really knows right? so anyways i need to stop getting jealous over every guy who gets close to maddy. its a bad habit. she said last night that i never got jealous when we were going out but when we broke up that i was constantly jealous. what she doesnt know is all those people i hit and kicked and swore at who actually sat there and told me irther that they liked her, they wanted tofuck her, they did fuck her, she was a whore, or the average "man that maddy chick is hot as fuck!" i never took the time to tell her about those assholes. maybe i should have. that sorta made me laugh, remembering the look on those peoples faces when i told them that i was maddys boyfriend. well shit im hungry so im gona go
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| is enough finally enough when you least expect it |
[22 Aug 2003|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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thursday- understanding in a car crash |
] |
lets face it it really is over. im gone for good. im out of her life. i tried so hard to be friends with her friends expecially the ones i really dont like. i went over there to her house today. i shouldnt have. the only good thing i got out of it was that there was another hot girl there, but unfortunately i wasnt in the mood and two she was there with jerky (andrew) the guy i hate more than anyone. lets face it i cant hang out with those people. i cant hang out with the "goths" or the "punks" or even the alternative kids that hang at the group. i just cant seem to get along with any of them. so more likely starting monday im probably just gonna hang out over with my band mcCarthur cq. you know whats sad is i cant even get along with maddy. that really bothers me. she gets along better with jerky than she does me.
some days arent worth living
you said goodbye
i said hello
you said goodnight
and i screamed hell no
sometimes these days
just arent worth living!
if only it would just pass us by
a thousand night wondering why
shades of grey
lay upon my eyes
just maybe one day
itll be worth knowing why
why this would go down
the way it went down
the iv soaks into my blood
my mind lost beyond the stars
let me lay here
let me die
just let me die!!!!!!!!
disbeleif gets the best of us
i cant help but run from fear
lyrics by me
yes i wrote that song isnt it sad. you know what. its true. thats how i feel. thats how i am. no more games. no more attempts to feel something that doesnt exhist. i dont want to settle down with anyone yet! but i dont want to be known as the whore, i just want to be me. i just want to get to know people. experience new things (except for homosexuality) .., you know what. im going. this is hurting my head really bad. i hope i fall and die
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| something worth happening |
[22 Aug 2003|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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brand new - jude law and the semester abroad |
] |
its not fair. its not fucking fair. how does this shit happen. i dont fucking get it. i broke up with maddy im sorta really happy with that decision because it just wasnt working out and if it didnt work all 7 times then it probably wont happen. lets face it its not working. but whats worse is now i like this girl carry white. but i know that wont happen i barely see her around anyways. and now heres the climax of the story, i got to see a friend i havent seen since 5th grade. stacy carigg... well anyways in like no time i feel connected and now i think i found love at first site. she just seems so amazing. its not fair. she probably doesnt give a shit about me and shes got this boyfriend who apparently is gonna marry her or some shit like that but he sounds like a total fuck tard. it sounds like he treats her like shit and he probably does. hes fuckin paranoid over her. and if she ever left him shed probably go to matt leffler. its not fuckin fair. i acted like a total ass around her joking around like i usually do. i just really wanted to maybe just show her the better side of me. i want to show her true love. its a very strange world when you end up falling in love with the girl that you were scared of and ran away from durring childhood. god shes so fuckin pretty. screw sex. its perfect just to hear her voice.... god whats wrong with me!!!!!! stop it stop it stop it!!!!!! i feel like im stuck in a dashboard confessional video. god dammit. i dont mean to be me. maybe i should hide myself from everything again, like i was durring 8th grade and freshmen year. god im going. this is making my head hurt
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| an eye for an eye and the world goes blind |
[10 Aug 2003|09:43pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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the used- box of sharp of objects |
] |
nothings going right for me. im trying very hard to make like good for her. i cant hold a relationship with her. its never gona work. we can barely maintain a conversation. all i want is to be as best a friend for her as possible and work from there. see what happenes. i want to be one of those friends that are more like her brother. and all i did was make her cry. i hate myself. dies me die!!!!!!!!!
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| eye of the tiger |
[10 Aug 2003|04:09pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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reel big fish - suburban rythm |
] |
so yeah... i wonder where maddy is. ive been trying to call her but i cant get ahold of her. oh well. so anyways. todays bornig. i had to clean my room. its taking a long time. man i am hungry!!!!!! whens dinner.
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| fun stuff |
[09 Aug 2003|05:24pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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taking back sunday - timberwolves in new jersey |
] |
you are great romances of the 20th century..not the
best song but good..any song with the word
romance in it..can't be too good
What Taking back sunday song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| system failure : press any key to continue |
[09 Aug 2003|04:49pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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music |
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the starting line - up and go |
] |
i give up. oh well. not much in life now is there. i think i might have hit an artistic breakthrough. i love maddy. i hope she knows that. broken up or not (no im not breaking up with you). but quite frankly ive come to realize that it is impossible to say that a relationship will last. you dont know the future. stop pretending. and if the relationship doesnt work out then fine. im not crying. we'll just have to move on. theres always someone alot better, no matter how hard you try to make yourself beleive theres no one better than the person you have. because there is no right or wrong person. honestly i really dont think anything can last. dont hold yourself back just for a few years of your life. work the moment. go with the flow. live your own life.
on the brighter side of life, i started drawing again. and not only did i just start again but i realize i got better at it. and i think im gonna go get me a real photographers camera and some black and white film. im gonna try to get into photography art and i found the perfect person to model my art.... i dont remember her name, but its mark etheringtons girlfriend. shes perfect for my art. im gonna ask her if she'll model for it. i know shes perfect for the part because she just has the appearance to catch the beauty of things in the moment. ive also gotten very good at guitar. im starting to catch on to playing solos. and on tuesday im taking my guitar to school and matt lefflers bringing his bass and mark etheringtons bringing his guitar. jam sessions!!!!!!!!!!!! and im also the new trombonist for the ska band mcaurther CQ or however you spell it. fun stuff.
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| the sadness that finds us |
[07 Aug 2003|04:04pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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the used - blue and yellow |
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i cant stand this anymore. i need to get away from it. everything. the emotions. the crying. the committing. i dont want to commit. why do i have to commit. too many issues. ive tried to fall out of love with alexis. but it wont stop. ive even given up and just let it slide thinking if i didnt try it would go away on its own, but it wont. it the same thing with maddy. i try not to be in love but it wont stop. i have the song blue and yellow by the used on repeat right now, because the songs about love and its really sad and it makes me feel decent toward myself. and i can actually feel the song inside me. on other notes i try to hide my emotions by acting like a total ass at school. now since school started and its a new school. ive been a total jackass. doing crazy funny shit. i started singing out loud the bow legged woman song in the lunch room really loud. i think im gonna do the same thing tommorow only im gonna climb the flag pole and sing it.
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| come and see the greatest monstrosity.... me |
[16 Jul 2003|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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dashboard confessional - screaming infidelities |
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ive been really depressed lately. i cant help it. too much thinking. i know i shouldnt be because i got maddy. but i am. sometimes i wonder what it be like to still be with alexis. me and alexis had something me and maddy have never had yet. friendship within the relationship. to me when i was still close to alexis i feel as if i were her best friend and she really was my best friend. nothing could take that away! nothing! id still like to admit to myself that i still love her and i do and nothings gonna change that not even if im with maddy. i cant and couldnt stop loving her, just like i cant stop loving maddy. and sometimes i looked back and realized at certain points i love alison but not like this. the friendship me and alexis had was like two children growing up with one another their entire lives. we would talk about anything and everythnig you know... i even grew a concionce telling me that something was up with that adam guy she dated.. and i was right. she found out he cheated on her for a while. and guess who she came crying to... me! of all people, me! i love her for that. she was the person who made me start to care in my life. ive shared my opinions with her telling her not to do certain stuff an i should of stopped her from steeling that car, then just maybe we'd still be together. it was perfect,... friendship... love... hell i was the only person besided her and her mom that her dog ever really liked. because that dog knew how much i love her. and to top off my depression i find myself wanting to make maddy so happy. i tried sex. ill try anything to make her happy. im trying to turn mine and maddys love into the love me and alexis had but it just wont happen, and me and alexis never had sex. alexis was the main reason im still me. alexis is the reason i want to write songs. i have a full journal full of songs written about her. and i really hope maddy will never read this. because i dont want her to see this depressing side of me. i dont want her to experience this side of me! i wont let her. ill force her out, she might think its because i hate her. thats not it at all. im trying to save her, and im trying to drown myself out so then i wont be depressed anymore. if i let her in this side of me shallow waters weill become deeper.! i dont want that. make the voices stop! make them stop! im finding myself talking to myslef and not even nknoe it. my head hurts from thinking
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| oh well |
[03 Jul 2003|01:07am] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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music |
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smashing pumpkins - 1979 |
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its been a wahile since i last updated my journal. not a whole lot has happened. maddy moved into riverhills. just a feweighborhoods from me! yay!!!!!!!!!!!! wink wink nudge nudge!
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| something in my eyes |
[16 Jun 2003|12:31pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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everlast - what its like |
] |
well lets see this morning i woke up in a puddle of vomit on the floor... thats always fun. im bored out of my mind. i felt like shit yesterday. im drained today. i hope itll rain. i can play more songs on my guitar like everlast.
i think maddy may be cutting again. i hope she doesnt. and i hope shes not pregnant. shit i feel tired!. i really want to stay with her but if shes gonna be cutting or drugs or anything like that, then im outta there. im not sticking around to get a phone call about her and them asking me to claim the body at the morgue. not happening. not to me. oh no... i wont let it. fuck i need an aspirin.
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| im falling deep into my shallow unrealistic lifestyle |
[15 Jun 2003|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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red hot chili peppers - under the bridge |
] |
im cranky, i think i might have an eating disorder because everytime i eat anymore i get really bad stomach aches! lately ive been starting to think of things that i haent thought of for a while. things i yell at maddy not to think of or speak of. its horrible. i know its not gonna get to me and make me obsessed. i know how to control myself but i just cant help but to think of things like it. maddy makes me feel so good about myself. i was all fanky yesterday and all crappy feeling and she made me feel like a million bucks! and im sorry for farting on her last night. and im sorry im all cranky. and im sorry im sick!
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| sunflowers in a beautiful galaxy |
[14 Jun 2003|05:26pm] |
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mood |
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 grumpy |
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im grumpy but its all good because madys over and shes sitting on my lap and her boney ass is cutting off circulation to my leg....ah releif! i love her... shes my sunflower.(and i guess im burning in a fireplace soo help me!!!! im dying!! but i love philip more than he lvoes me! ah ha! - maddy)...yeah that was maddy! i love her (i got a 6 on my fcat! look who's smart now haha watch out harvard!! here i commmeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. oh god.....that was maddy again
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| i love you |
[13 Jun 2003|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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chicago soundtrack |
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so yeah... im siting at maddys house right now! i love her!
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| i really am loved |
[13 Jun 2003|10:09am] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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music |
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dashboard confessional - hands down |
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ive decided that shes not lieing to me this time! it took alot of thinking! but i beleive her. i love her so incredibly much! shes like the soothing sound of rain through an open door with the humidity seeping on your face! shes that great! i love her. theres nothing else to it. im going to make us last! but i still dont think im sex god, like she says and thinks i am! my hands are so soar from doing community service yesterday! i didnt use gloves and now i got blisters on my hands from digging out fence posts! it hurts! it totally sucks! im tired still but ill manage. i think i might go over to maddys house today. im not sure. i hope i will. and i got just a phase by incubus stuck in my head
i am bottled fizzy water
and you are shaking me up
and you are a fingernail running down the chalkboard
i thought i left in third grade
now my only consultation is that this could not last forever and ever
all though your singing how well youve got it made
who are you, when will you be through
just a phase
call it womens intuition but i think im on to something here
temporaryism has been the black plague and the jesus of our age
i think i wrote it wrong but oh well its been along time since ive listened to it! so yeah anyways i got an msn screnename now! its firstdates_and_mixtapes@hotmail.com. god i need a life. nooooo! my hands hurt so much i cant even play guitar right now! god it sucks! well im gonna go back to sleep.
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| is what i did right? |
[13 Jun 2003|09:35am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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AFI - girl not grey |
] |
You're the rennaisance artist. True genuis of your
time. You really are ahead of your
generation... A solid rock of a writer and
artist all around. Very eloquent in all that
you do...
What type of artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
well last night was fun. i love maddy. but theres only one problem. she told me last night she orgasmed, but i dont know if i can beleive it, because all those other times she told me she did and she acted the same way like all those other times. but all those other times i found out she faked because she told me she faked them. how do i know whats real? whats real and whats fake? its hurting my head. at least you can tell when a guy orgasms i mean how could you miss it. white shit goes everywhere! in other news. my head fucking hurst and the chinese food made me barf! fuckin chinese pricks! oh well... what can i say! oh well...i think i have an eating disorder.
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| first dates and mix tapes |
[11 Jun 2003|12:51pm] |
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mood |
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relaxed |
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music |
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short storys with tragic endings - from autumn to ashes |
] |
i just cant help realize that i love maddy to death. im going to spend my life with her. i really want to. ryans being an ass! and im really tired. my dads making me do community serivce tommorow when i was supposed to go to a band oficers lunch tommorow that ive had planned for a while!
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| you hit me with a 4x4 |
[10 Jun 2003|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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grumpy |
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music |
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this could be love (for fire) - alkaline trio |
] |
step one: slit my throat
step two: play in my blood
step three: cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
step four: stop off at edgewood creek and wash your crimson hands
you try to make me meet your demands but i couldnt meet them so you cut off my fingers one by one!!!
ok sorry that was just the chorus to this could be love by alk trio... so anyways. im tired today. i dont know why. i got to talk to maddy for a bit today so thats always good. god i love her. i really do.
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| spandex... its a privalige not a right. |
[09 Jun 2003|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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greenday - the grouch & the ballad of wilhem fink |
] |
todays all superdandy. i talked to maddy. told her i love her. i went to my guitar lesson today. he taught me a third version to the song when i come around. i think he likes that song. oh well. im so happy i learned how to play a bunch of songs by the distillers. pretty soon im gonna get bored of looking for tabs and just write words for the songs i made. curses! the phone wont stop ringing... giving me a headache. oh well. i can play from autmn to ashes - short storys with tragic endings... its so great! ok anyways im goin to play my guitar some more!
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