[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, November 13th, 2004|
|A Long Time... again...
Im freakin pessimistic because nothing will ever get better... I've waiting 2 fucking years, if something good was going to happen, WHERE THE HELL IS IT! I hate me, I hate everyone I've become in the past 2 years, Im terrible, Im horrible, Im the worst. Im on drugs, Im stupid, I'll never be how I used to be, Im not even a good person anymore. I've sat back and watched every friend of mine evolve from there 2nd grade haircuts and 6th grade acne, I've still got both, I've still got the pain, the hurt, the above all sadness. I wish sometimes that I would be strong enough to push the razorblade harder, I can't even do it because I can't get passed the crying stage. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to have to put up with any of it, It's not fair that some people put themselves in these situations, why did I have to put myself here - I bring it all on myself and blame it all on HIM, I hate him so much, but I know that if I could I'd lay next to him and tell him that even years later, I still love him more than I ever have my whole life. Everyone thinks they've got me figured out, that they know everything there is ot know about me, Im the hyper little happy pothead... man, If I was I wouldn't be typing and bawling my eyes out and pouring my heart on on a computer screen for the world to read, nobody even cares, no one wants to know, there just bored...
I hate living in Michigan City, all my friend graduated last year or are going to graduate this year, my best friend, Tiffany, can't even get her boyfriend to let her hang out with me, he gets mad when she hangs out with me. I love her so much and I care so much, she's been my best friend for 5 years and a guy she met less than a year ago stole her away from me, yes, im jealous, Im jealous that I could never my whole life find someone who cared that much for me, and the person who I care that much for already has replaced me with a guy. It hurts, I hate being me. So many people say they hate there lifes, but they aren't me, so I don't care, I know that I hate who I am.
My friends just keep getting happier and I just keep getting stepped on, the last guy I was in a "relationship" with, I didn't even want to be, he was just as terrible as me, maybe happier, but he was just like me. I've got my pretty friends who have no problem with getting a guy, or whatever they want, they are happy, I've got my normal friends who've got these awesome personalities, they've got guys who loves who they are, they are happy... then theres me, the one in the middle, the odd one.... I love Brian, he's one of my best friends, but dammit Brian, you dojn't understand, I don't want to be with you like this anymore, we are friends, and thats all I can ever be with you ever again... my tears are clogging the keyboard.... Current Mood: pessimisticCurrent Music: Jimmy Eat World - Pain
|Sunday, August 15th, 2004|
|It's been so long...
It's been quite awhile since I've updated this thing, oh well though, oh well, anyways, I'll tell ya'll whats been going on, pretty much I've lived in Michigan City for about 6 months now, I don't live over by the Junior High anymore though, I live next to the Lighthouse Mall, but whatever thats not important. My summer sucked, I argued with Brian, just about every day we hung out, it was terrible. I hung out with Jaiden and Loni a couple times, we always have so much fun, Im really going to miss them! I haven't talked to Tiffany since the beach show, when she stayed the week at my house, ever since her and Ryan got together it's like she has no time for me... it hurts, she's like my best friend, I love her to death and I'd never do that to her.I hung out with Hilary a couple times, which was definatly cool, I didn't meet anyone really, but whatever. Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: kill hannah - 10 more minutes with you
|Saturday, February 21st, 2004|
|I need a bag
IM SICK! I feel like Im dying, Tiffany is here, she's... I don't know where, talking to her boyfriend. Im waiting for Justin to get here, then we're going to Michigan to see Tiffanys boyfriend. I don't even like Justin, I don't know WHAT im even doing. I just want someone there, and nobody is right, everyone is wrong. I think that I just need to take a break from people, or something... who knows.
Living in Michgian City is weird I guess, I sit on the couch and watch tv all day, and talk to Brian when he gets out of school, I miss North Judson, and I miss being in school, my mom said that I start like next week or something, hopefully it won't be terrible... I just want to be happy, I just want to have fun again... fun... its such a foreign word. Current Mood: sickCurrent Music: Dead Kennedys - Kill The Poor
|Saturday, February 14th, 2004|
|It's so hard to walk away
Well, I've done it, I really have done what I said I would do for a year and 1/2, I left. I walked away from it all. Nobody even knows how it feels to leave somewhere you spent forever at. I freakin stayed here for almost 2 years, I made a new life for myself, practically, and I just walked away from it, with a phone call. I can't stand being threatened with little things. I may hate my mother with every feeling in my heart, but she's my mom, I can't be taken away permanatly, I just want to be able to be free, and if living with a person I hate is what I have to do to hold the key of glee in my hand, then what the fuck, Im doing it, becuase nobody should ever have to feel this way, no matter what they've done in there life. Current Mood: indescribableCurrent Music: Foo Fighter - Hero
|Sunday, December 21st, 2003|
My day took off around 5. Everything sunk in and I cried, I cried, and again, I cried. I thought taking a nap would help solve it all, nope, I cried myself to sleep and it was the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, I woke up crying. I haven't done that since I was like 2 or 3 probably. It hurts ya know? Makes me think of how mean I really am, and I deserve to be called mean, everything I get I don't need, and god knows I don't deserve. Im spoiled, Im a complete bitch, and im selfish. Im really moved though by Brian, he's been the greatest. He deserves more than he's given at times. Im really really really mad at Agent A right now, I don't want to talk to him, I think im growing to hate him on the outside, but in the inside I still care about him, I think. I don't know becuase it just happened today, probably because Im upset. Anyways, have a good day you all. Current Mood: pessimisticCurrent Music: Silverchair - Tomorrow
|Saturday, December 20th, 2003|
Im going to summarize my shit hold of night, earlier in the day like at 2 I went and picked up Steve, well he spent the day with el-Brooke-o. At like 7:40 we left for the STOOPID dance. It sucked, I danced with Andi.... we got our groove on. Steve took himself over to Feena Shivley and danced and shoved his dong all over her and flopped himself around, it was quite funny.... it was fun actually that part. I kept dancing on Jamie Wright and finally she was like " get the ef away " then I left. I took a bunch of pictures, Im hoping they will turn out good. That was pretty much the night.... SUCKED Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: Nirvana - Come As You Are
|Wednesday, December 17th, 2003|
|Tampons and Hair Dye
I had such a great day, it was one of those days where you want pictures of everything. I looked probably the best i've looked in a long time, I look horrible all the time, and especially lately. Anyways, well last night I made Justin ( K ) cupcakes since it was his birthday yesterday, well I didn't think he was coming to school so I was like :( then I saw him and was like :) but anyways besides me being a fag.... After school Tiff came over and we went to go buy hair dye and well she dyed hers like black almost and mine is purple... it looks hot I swear, Mandi is secretly attracted to me but she won't admit it... which she doesn't have to, I know the way she looks at me. Just about an 30 minutes ago I took Tiffany home and before we had to go pick up her pictures and go buy "feminine products" for her ( not that you care or anything ) and well she's a big sissy so she doesn't want to buy them alone, so I pick them up and purchase them for her... guess who I stand behind? A guy who works at the store ( the carpet store ) ( duh, my grampas store ) anyways I got embaressed then. I pretty much embaressed Tiffany, I felt all curly inside afterwards. Anyways, I guess my little brother Wade has been hanging out with these homies at a crack house, and no, I know I say that stupid stuff all the time and put it in gay stories but It's the truth, and I know people don't usually give out info like that about there families, but this is a journal, tell all, show all, but he has been, Im worried in a way, then the other side of just wants to beat the hell out of him, he definatly deserves it. But anyways, I will end with that, Good Day Sirs... Current Mood: geekyCurrent Music: NIN - Dead Souls
|Tuesday, December 16th, 2003|
|It's a little early...
Yeah, I just got done playing the Mandolin, Im getting a tad bit better, no thats a lie. Anything with more than 3 strings I've come to notice that I can't play... such as the geetar. Im listening to Green Day right now, and I mean, they have some super easy songs to play on it too, my buddy Blake, who would also be my cousin, and I learned how to play Brain-Stew in Oklahoma last year and trust me, it's as easy as me!!! Oh wait, no... maybe not. But as I was babbling about, my day was crazy, I don't remember it of coarse becuase I never do, but in 2nd hour me and Jess did the same stuff, went in that chatroom and I told everyone she was a lesbian. Some guy told me I needed to go to church too because I didn't believe in God, it kind of offended me because Im trying kinda hard, well at least harder than I was(nt ). Yeah, I guess my little brother is beating me in the youngest age to get kicked out of your mothers house game. Supposedly my mom found out that he had been smoking and kicked him out, which I doubt that she'll go through with it. This person I'd met over hte weekend, Josh, I've been talking to him alot lately, he called me once, it was funny. He got nervous, made me laugh Current Mood: bouncyCurrent Music: Green Day - Brain-Stew
|Monday, December 15th, 2003|
|Growing older and touching deeper...
Hmmmm... today? Ah, yes today... well it all started in 2nd hour, my good old computer buddy Jessica Zaiko told me to go to this chatroom, which I did, and it turned out to be good times, I told some lesbian that Jessica was a lesbian, it worked out just as I planned. I don't remember much of the rest of the day,, I came home and was really tired, around 7 or 8 I went tanning which was cool because I like getting nekkid and laying in a bed of heat and bright lights... yum yum. Oh and to top it all off, for sort of a long time I'd been telling Alex Locke, aka, Cocke, that I wanted to hear him play geetar, and he recorded some stuff for me to listen to, and I mean, wow, this was such good stuff. Alex is really good and I was amazed... like :O amazed, haha. I think more and more everyday and I just think about it more and more, but I guess its ok times... I GUESS! Ok well Tammy is yelling at me to get off so I guess thats what Im gonna do... haha... alrighty, Good Day Sir!!! Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: Something Corporate - Space
|Friday, December 12th, 2003|
First of all, no I don't want to kill myself, and for the DUMB shitface who decided to tell me that I was gothic, wow you must be blind or something, im the furthest from that. The same DUMB shitface thought it would be funny to torture me about previously smoking pot, leading to questions about whether or not I'd ever done heroine, which I never had, Im scared to death of needles. The DUMB shitface called me a sissy and told me to suck it up, by that time I was pissed, so pretty much I want to kill Mr. DUMB shitface now, which I don't doubt I could go through with, he's mentally handi-capped, and I told him that if he wants to actually "end" it all that he can come to my moms this weekend. He knows that before I did kick the hell out of his friend, Mr. Ass Cock. By the way they are both guys, I guess I really am I mean person deep inside, I have alot of hate towards people and don't hold back on showing them, but you'll all get over it eventually.
Other than the dumb things that ruin my life and make my days horrible, I had a somewhat decent day. I bought my WinterBall tickets today, well I had Adam Genis to it for me because Im too shy and get nervous when I do those things, but in time I could possibly overcome it all. I took a shower today and it was all warm and it felt nice. Brian called me and we discussed the vacation to Tennessee in a couple weeks, it's not like 100% that im going but the way it's looking im almost positive. My gramma bought me Sun Chips ( registered trademark bitch ) and I got all happy and what not, it brightened my shat on day. But um, yeah im gonna get going now because I mean, i've summed up my whole day. Good day Sir. Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: Bush - Glycerine
|Wednesday, December 10th, 2003|
|Brian is and was serious...
Not that anyone cares about my life or anything but last night Mr. Brian decides he's gonna call me, well, we get to talking and he goes " I look at you when I talk to you, I bet you don't know very many people who can tell you the color of your eyes, and I can " I kinda sat there and I asked him " What color are they then ma'am " and he told me, and he was right...." Green ", and I mean I really didn't know what to say then. I believed Brian loved me but not love me like I know the color of your eyes love. I kept it to myself today though becuase I wanted to think about it, and then after asking soo many people I just felt all jittery in my tummy, It's a good feeling, Im really loved and loved in such a great way. I know Brian better than anyone, and he knows me more than I know myself. I've opened my eyes about my feelings and Bri's feelings now, and I don't know anymore, I don't love Brian back in the way he loves me, I'll always have that little crush but it's so much different... it's like an incest love, even though thats nastey as can be, I don't know how to put it in words. You know how you think of love as getting jittery and never feeling left out? I feel like that only not back.
Besides that dumb stuff, I finally splinted my finger, I taped it up and wrote ouch on it really big, it's very very hot. I don't know what Im doing about anything right now. It's really bad and im in such a bad time right now, Im doing exactly what I've done before in the past... I force myself to feel good, be happy, and smile, it's all so corny and I know that people can tell and its soooooo embaressing. Im giong to my sisters band concert tonight, and guess who I get to see? ROBBY! Haha... I love him to death... but anyways, I have to go get ready for my sissies thingy! Good Day Sirs Current Mood: uncomfortableCurrent Music: Bush - The Chemicals Between Us
|Tuesday, December 9th, 2003|
|I question my intelligency...all the time
Im an idiot completely, ok me and Tiffany are leaving the middle school today and I run up behind her and hit her right in the tooshie with my fingers... guess what happened? I broke my finger, Im having the hardest time typing too. I guess I've accomplished more than I ever expected too... so Im very happy with myself. At school my day went semi-well, bad things happening for Jodi, I felt sorry for her. Im drinking cappucino and listening to The Cure, I didn't realize how much I loved them. I convinced someone that I was jewish today, I felt so good about myself, It really was great times. Im so excited about tomorrow and I don't know why... I really like Wednesdays. Amanda Cline just got online and I really have decided I don't like her, she's mentally retarded I swear... I don't understand her, I hate her with a passion. Oh yeah, to add to a broken finger, Tammy decides to be very very mean to me, which is fine until she brings someone else other than me into it. Great times I tell ya bud, Oh you know that commercial with the guy with the coffee? And everytime he goes to take a drink the other guy driving will hit the brake when he gets the cup up to his mouth? Well yeah, Tammy did that to me. Alright well good day sirs... and keep me in your thoughts, 3rd time I've broken this finger!!! Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: The Cure - Burn
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
|...you don't care....
Well... this site sucks the shit right out my asshole, which would be the first thing I would like to say, this is my 4th time trying to do this and it still hasnt gone through... Why? I have no clue
Ok, well, today went great, I got up and was in a good mood. My day went by just like most days do go by. Ashlee came back to school today which was good because I haven't seen her in a long time, I was starting to get worried. Earlier, Robby was going off on this guy from Pakistan who wouldn't leave me alone, pretty much Robby acted like my boyfriend and just told the guy to leave me alone... damn Pakistanis don't listen for shit I tell ya bud, he still wouldn't leave me alone... THEN HE SAID HE LIED TO ME ABOUT ME BEING PRETTY AND CALLED ME UGLY! All that stuff went down and then I talked to Bryant, well that just made me laugh more because I didn't tell him about it... THEN, wow, let me tell ya how stupid I am, ok I was straightening my hair and I was using a straightening brush and my blow dryer, for about a minute and half im going up and down with the dryer and then I finally notice I didn't have it turned on... I was like my god Im retarded. Ok but now I will be getting my happy-self off here and going to bed... good day sirs. Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: garbage - stupid girl