Date:	2004-05-25 20:43
Subject:	another day
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	none

o yes a day off finally, trying to catch up on past events. work has been alright... workin home health kinda stinks but it pays the bills for now. Culvers is a fun environment to work in. friendly people and easy work. its funny one of my old friends called me tonight from mississippi... i miss him lots.. we talked for over an hour. it was nice hearin from him again. we dont get to talk that much anymore. he mentioned something about wanting to be with a friend for a long time but has made mistakes along the way. i know he was talking about me, but wouldnt tell me who it was. I dont know if i should take it serious or not. He has always played games with me in the past and has hurt me a lot. But for some reason i always let him hurt me. the last time i was home last summer he tried it again. I didnt fall for it and im glad i didnt because that was the last time he called me for awhile. Im glad i didnt give in to some of his bullshit. I just hope him going to mississippi gained him some self knowledge of who he is what he wants and who he wants to be with. Hes got a good head on him but sometimes he doesnt use it right. i've been in love with that kid since the day i met him. Im just glad he made the decision to get himself out of the area and open his eyes a little bit. It will help him out a lot in tryin to find himself. speaking of with, i need to go figure out what the hell i want to do with the rest of my life. ima go to the school and look into some of the departments and what they have to offer. I really dont think i want to be a teacher anymore and dont wanna take classes i dont need next semester. so nows the time to start figuring shit out. i miss my KY girl. miss seeing her everyday.. it feels the same as my high school friends whom was a one way friendship. it hurts but i dont let it get to me.. i keep on moving forward because i would be dead by now if i didnt. i think i might go home the end of next month.. my sisters and brothers niece and nephew all miss me. calling me every week to tell me that. miss em to death too. and then i might make a journy to madison and see my sister for a day or too in her new house, im so happy she has got a better pay job now... i dont have to worry as much now. we'll see though because i dont know what hours they are going to schedule me for next month. well thats all for tonight... i must get to bed now that i am wide awake because i took two naps today. o well the next few days should be easy only working at culvers. night all

Date:	2004-02-24 13:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Dispatch- Who are we living for

well... hmmm interesting day yesterday. it was absolutly aweful. everything that could go wrong went wrong. and it was monday... that as itself is aweful. my day started out by me not being able to get up for my classes. i went to philosophy that was it. then came back tried to clean my room and do laudry and unpack and unpack.. but everyone kept talking to me even when i had my away sign on... i shoulda jsut signed off. i mean i'd respond to someones message and they thought i was gonna sit and talk to them or something. it was so annoying. then my mom wanted me to talk to heer and she kept bringing past shit up about how she was so young and didnt have a life because of me and my sister and that shes glad that i get to have a life. blah blah blah. then i finally got off that conversation and tried to finish doing laundry and kel walks in and tells me of how shes not going to be here next year. i was so god damn pissed off. still am. it just bothers me of how we were talkin about living together this summer and next year. and now shes not even gonna be here. she obviously knew awhile ago when she applied that she might get accepted and she didnt even tell me. the main reason i wasn't going to colorado is because of that girl. now i;m never gonna see her again anyways... and its too late for me to apply anywhere in colorado. she doesnt even think abotu how much her life here is going to be affected by her decision. i'm tryin to be supportive, but i just cant. shes just dropping everything she has here to go back home. i dont have any money and wont have money to ever go see her. it kills me to know i'm prolly never gonna see her again. she was one person i was close to. even though she doesnt understand what i went through, we both understood how much each other was hurt by our past and that mutual understanding is not common among most friends. anyways ... enough about people leaving me... then talked to my buddy nate... that was kewl but we just started talking bout shit and he really got me thinking about things and decisions i make. it got me pretty worked up cuz i know hes right. then my mom starts talking to me again about stupid family problems. god she doesnt know when to stop. couldnt talk to my sister because i was crying so much and missed her and my other brothers and sisters niece and nephew. and abotu where i;m going to stay this summer. so pretty aweful day. today has been ok.. missed a class.. took a mid term.. and took a shower so i feel better. thats about it. well write more later... see how the rest of my day ends up.. thank god its almost spring break... o thats right i have surgery then... fuck.

Date:	2004-02-18 02:15
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Jaime Foxx-your love

yo whats up g... ntm here... things are goin as usual... o my god josh i guess stopped by today. i wasnt here i was at target shopping. hmmm maybe this will work. cant get my hopes up though. gatta just play it by ear. but we're planing on talkin tomorrow bout us. so thats a good sign that hes willing to talk about things. i just mainly want to tell him that i dont feel special in his eyes and that i dont feel like he cares about me. even if he doesnt tell me he doesnt show me either. for an example on valentines day there was nothing special about the day. it was just simply another day that we went out to eat together. He didnt show me that this special day that i meant something to him. i just felt like a friend. i wanted to feel more than that. i wanted to feel more than that. just for him to let me know that i mean something to him in his life would make me happy.i dont need gifts and i know hes not a person to share his feelings, but just somehow showing that he cares besides just spending time with me would mean the world to me. i just hope things work out. i really like him a lot and dont wanna quit on everything we have so far. he means so much to me but i want to feel like that to him. ok nuff said for now... i hope kels not mad at me shes been distant... i hope everythings alright. i luv that girl!! alright time to study, cant wait for this weekend!!

Date:	2004-02-15 19:39
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Jennifer Lopez- I'm real (WHAT? gatta delete this)

decided to take a nap on the floor. put my big comforter down then wrapped myself in my blankey from my grandma. kel said i fell alseep for about and hour and a half... man was i tired. still am but feel much better. then we went and caught supper... lemon peppered pork.. it was actually a yummy supper. they even had snickers. i was excited. ya know when i thought about my BFF kelly was the only one to give me something for valentines day. i mean its kewl and i dont wanna sound selfish that i wanted presents from peopel but she was also the only one to say happy valentines day to me too. god i love that girl. shes the only one who i truely know cares about me. i hope everything works out for the appartment. i really wanna stay up here and want her with me. especially to get an appartment with eachother would be so fun! well off to write a paper for tomorrow

Date:	2004-02-15 16:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Just kickin it- Xscape

i think i got this down.... kel is such an awesome girl. i luv her so much. i hope she stays here with me this summer cuz otherwise i gatta find someone else to live with. i dont wanna go home. i dont have a room anywhere i dont feel "at home" when i go home. here is my new home and i hate when i have to keep changing houses. it really stresses me out. well what a spring break i'm going to have. i have to get my wisdom teeth pulled. all six of them and then stay at my moms for pretty much all week so she can keep track of me so i dont die. wouldnt be the worst thing though. god i cant wait until this summer. i want to get a job make some money and survive on my own.

Date:	2004-02-15 15:46
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	In your world- Twista (I love that kid)

hmm.... well wasnt that a great valentines day... i felt SO special. NOT.. ok so i wasnt expecting much but my god. put a little thought maybe planning or even a little to show you care cuz u never tell me how u feel so u should show it right... or not... yea i guess not. god this was such a depressing week. paper to do but cant concentrate so i thought i'm make a new diary. goin to the twista concert on thurs i cant wait. then off to ironwood to go snowboarding with my buddies. its gonna be a blast. get to see my lil sis again... yea shes so cute. i'll haveta pick something up for her. i miss that sweetheart. shes not afraid of anything.. hope that helps her with those scum. she punch their faces out if they do shit to her... or else i will. well i'll write later just checkin this new thingy out...