Today I decided to start this whole blurty journal thing.. I have alot to say and if this gets read by no one I'm fine with that, I am doing this for me and no one else, I am not looking for sympathy whatsoeveror any kind of attention. Only trying to express my feelings.
I was born in a small town on the ocean in British Columbia. When I was 4 my little brother was born, around that same time my dad had got trnasferred to a new town. I don't remember the first move but those next following years led to endless pain and struggle. In that new town I was enrolled in dance and kindergarten and all the kid stuff. I also went to daycare. It was a great place, from the outside. When I got in there everyday after school all I wanted to do was leave. The husband of my care-taker molested me for the next 4 years everyday. A forty year old man, molesting a 4-8 year old child. Disgusting. Pathetic. Painful. I never told anyone, until this year.
When I turned 8 my dad had gotten transfered again, this time across the country in Ontario. I was extatic when I found out we were moving, it was my way out of all the pain and fear I felt. But little did I know, there is no way out. This has dragged on with me for tha last 10 years. I have gone through so much just trying to cope with everything that has hapend.
I started cutting when I was 11 years old. I had heard people at school alking about "emo" kids and thought I would get attention if I cut myself, wich I did. AfterI started to fit in I never stopped cutting, I found a way to get rid of all the fear, all the pain, to see that drop of lood run down my arm, to see it leave my system was to me, a visual way of seeeing my pain and fear and loneliness disappear. My parents eventaully found out about it, when I was 13 I had to be rushed to the hospital to get stiches or I would have bled to death. They had put me on suicide watch for the next 72 hours and made me attend a counseling meeting once a day. I hated it. I could not tell someone I had just met everything about me, I am not that kind of person. I also do not beleive in the Phycology field of work because in my opinion, you can not go take a university course to understand what someone is going through, for example I don't know what a child who has divorced parents goes through because I haven't went through it & no degree will change that. Anyway, I went through many counselours until my parents found me someone I trusted.
After going to counseling once a week for 6 months they released me. After recovering from my cutting I re-gained so many relationships with so many people, my grades became much hire and I got included a lot more in group activities. That soon ended, pushing the problems to the ack of my mind eventually caught up with me. That's when I started "medicating".
I started taking apo-peroxitine wich is an anti-anxiety medication, similar to "paxil" I started on 10mg everyday for a while, it helped to a certain extent. But that was never enough, I needed more, I was only 15 when I started taking those pills, they belonged to my mom so I had to be extra careful I didn't get caught. My body was soon addicted to these pills both physically and mentally. I masked my problems with chemicals. I was up to 120mg a day (2 times the highest recommended adult dose). That is when I had my first overdose. I had a horrible week and just wanted to escape it. I took 180mg of apo-peroxatine. It knocked me out. I woke up the next day with the worst cramps, a lower back ache and un-controlable tremors. My teeth chattered non-stop for 5 days. I was going from blistering hot to freezing cold in a matter of 5 seconds. It was the worst feeling I had ever gone through.
That day didn't even give me the motivation to stop. I am now recovering from my third overdose. This is my 4th day since I overdoesed. My teeth are stilll cahttering I have an extremely high fever and sore body.
All of this to tell you to NEVER EVER go down my path it does NOT help with anything. It only makes things much worse. I will be doing this journal for me and anyone going through similar situations who need the moral support. I will journal hopefully everyday to update everything I am going through.
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Everywhere-Michelle Branch