| Sleep |
[06 May 2003|10:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
DJ Mystic - Fur Elise (Remix) |
] |
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I'm been rather busy.
Tsuzuki and Hisoka got me back for the ball incident... they roasted a little chicken and said it was 003 ;;. I cried... and then he came in. -_- very funny. I suppose that I deserved it though.
Hijiri and I went to see a movie and get him some decorations for his room on Sunday. We saw a romantic movie... and I had a nosebleed. We started cuddling and I have no idea why... but it felt good. There was this guy and his girlfriend behind us... saying that it was disgusting that we were cuddling... I felt awful, putting Hijiri in an insulting situation like that... but he scared the two of them off.
So tired... I sleep now
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|
| Guilt |
[04 May 2003|12:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lara Fabian - I will love again |
] |
I feel awful...
I caused Tsuzuki and Hijiri to break up...
I went to the ball... and found the antidote... and... things were going fine until I started dancing with this guy... and we kissed... and... he pulled off my mask at midnight... and I pulled off his...
It was Hijiri....
He ran off to the gardens after he found out it was me... and he told me a few hours ago that he and Tsuzuki had broken up... I'm still in love with him...
It's all my fault too...
I turned Hisoka into a cat... and know everyone's pissed off at me. I don't blame them though. I would be pissed at me too. The only reason I'm not pissed at myself is that I feel too guilty.
I just messing everything up.
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|
|
[01 May 2003|10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Luna Sea - Anubis |
] |
Today was boring.
I tried on my costume for fit... once I get back to my normal physcial age, it will fit perfectly. I've got my plan set up.
Anxiety seems to be taking hold of the office. Anxiety about the ball tomorrow night. I'm kind of excited, but it's just a party.
Did some stuff in the lab most of the day. Nothing much though. I came up with a couple new formulas, nothing real special though. I created something very nifty though. It's a kind of garabage dispoal. It's an acid that will eat any kind of waste, but nothing else. It also doubles as a cleaning solution. The lab is spotlessly white now ^_^. I'm sure Tatsumi will like this. Save on garabage bills AND clean much easier and faster.
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|
| Costume |
[30 Apr 2003|10:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Plastic Tree- Tsumetai Hikari |
] |
I have decided to go to the Fall Ball. Is there a better way to test my potions and see which one ages? ^_^ I works for me. I even have a disguise.
It looks like the first outfit that Jareth from Labyrinth wore. It's amazing what one can find floating in their closet. Leather pants, a shirt that looks like it came from a Renaissance festival, knee high leather boots, a lace up corset looking thing from a Renaissance festival... and a feathered cloak... it's prefect... black feather that shine blue and purple and green... and I just happened to find a pearly-black mask to match it. I think it's rather nice. A bit eccentric, but nice. I'll tie back my hair in a ponytail too. Anyone in the office could recognize me just by my hair.
Eh. Well, things aren't going so well now... I have a wolf tail and ears... and I'm telepathic... eww... nosebleed. Tsuzuki was thinking bad things... and I passed out in the hallway... I bled all over the place. All his fault. -_- I had to stay in the infermary until things stopped spinning around me.
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| Flour |
[29 Apr 2003|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sugar Cult - Pretty Girl |
] |
Well, the upcoming ball came up in conversation yesterday... I don't even know if I'll go. Don't have any reason to go really.
I'm not even gonna worry about it right now.
Hijiri came home with me last night... and despite how old I'm supposed to be, I acted like the 16 year old I never got to be. We were making pizza and somehow or another we got into a flour fight... I still can't get all the flour out of my hair. It was great though. I never got to be like that when I was 16.
*sigh* oh well... off to bed... tired
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|
[28 Apr 2003|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Weiss Kreuz - Beautiful Alone |
] |
I wonder... how long will it take me to get over Hijiri?
It took me a while to get over Tsuzuki... because I thought he was in love with Hisoka... but... well, we all see where that is.
There isn't anyone out ther for me I think... I mean, look at me.
I'm clumsy, and I can be a real idiot sometimes...
No one liked me when I was living either. I don't think I noticed it as much though...
I suppose I'll be alone forever...
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| Regrets |
[28 Apr 2003|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Erasure - Siren Song |
] |
I shouldn't have done that...
I shouldn't have done any of this...
I was depressed yesterday after talking to Hijiri... I told him how I felt... I knew that it wouldn't change anything. He knew though... he read my journal one night... I don't care though... he had a right to know, and I was too much of a coward to tell him.
I experimented on myself yesterday... yeah, not the smartest thing to do when your depressed...
I'm 16.
All over again.
I HATED being 16....
All those things that happened...
No, not even gonna talk about it...
I did something I really should not have last night... Hijiri was taking me home and... I tripped, and he went to help me, and I yelled at him for treating me like a little kid... and that made him sad... I apologized quickly... kissed him... and ran off.
I shouldn't have kissed him...
I don't know why I did.
I got home... locked myself in my room... and cried. I knew Hijiri wasn't going to come home.
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|
| Osaka |
[27 Apr 2003|03:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
To Destination - Boundless Love |
] |
Well.... I'm on the train back from Osaka. I didn't do much today...
I paid my mother a visit... I left some lilies on her grave. I talked to her a bit. About Hijiri... and Tsuzuki... and just everything...
I saw my own grave next to hers... I hate looking at my own grave. It sends chills up my spine. I left a sunflower... that's it. No one ever left flower there anyway. My relatives didn't like me much.
I went and had some tea at a restaraunt I used to love...
The cold air didn't do much to clear my head. It only made me think harder about Hijiri... and my feelings for him. I waited up all last night for him to come home so I could tell him how I felt... but he never came. I didn't worry too much, because he was with Tsuzuki. I hope he found my note.
I bought Tsuzuki and Hijiri something... just a little gift to show them how much I hope they are happy together. It's a stuffed animal thing, of two dogs holding a heart. I hope they like it.
Back to the office tomorrow.... *sigh* I'll probably stay in the lab all day.
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| Even if it hurts |
[26 Apr 2003|11:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
X-Japan - Forever Love |
] |
I’m crying so hard it hurts… I can’t even see. I had to take my glasses off because I keep fogging them up…
Hijiri is in love with Tsuzuki… I saw them kissing in the office today when I was coming out of the lab. Hijiri explained to me what was going on… I hid my pain… when he told me… he looked at me as if he could see right through me, as if he knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking…
As long as they’re happy together… right?
Isn’t that what matters?
I wish so much now that I had told Hijiri how I felt about him… maybe then… no… I don’t think it would have made a difference. He’s been in love with Tsuzuki since they met…
Why did I ever think that I had a chance? Stupid me.
This isn’t the first time… I was in love with Tsuzuki too… but Hisoka came… and I backed off.
There isn’t anyone out there for me. I’ll be alone here in my eternity just as I was in life. There isn’t a happily ever after for me.
I just want Hijiri to be happy… maybe I can’t give him what he wants… Tsuzuki can… It hurts to love someone this much… After all, what am I? I’m clumsy, and a screw-up, and… and… he deserves someone like Tsuzuki… I don’t deserve someone like him… like either of them
I’m going to Osaka tomorrow… Konoe agreed to let me have a day off. Maybe the cold air will clear my head. I think this outage will do me some good… get me away from the office and from everyone for a little while.
I can still feel the shards of that coffee cup I dropped when I saw them… I still feel think slicing my hands, spilling my warm blood.
I left Hijiri a note on the counter for him when he gets home. I hope he finds it
Dear Hijiri,
I hope you had a good time with Tsuzuki. I probably won’t see you at all tomorrow. I’m taking the early train to Osaka, and coming back mid-afternoon.
Sincerely,
Watari
P.S.: I hope that you and Tsuzuki are very happy together ^_^
It hurt so much to write those words…
I wish I could stop crying… What good am I like this? I’m going to wait up for Hijiri… tell him how I feel… even though I know it won’t change anything… I think he should know.
I have to accept what’s happened… even if it hurts…
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|
| Various things from the past few days... |
[26 Apr 2003|10:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
working |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Vanessa Mae - Fuga |
] |
This hasn't quite been the best of weeks, has it?
Hijiri came home late last night, from training or something, and he had a huge bruise on his back. He wouldn't tell me what happen. I could tell from the look in his eyes that it was bothering him, but he stil wouldn't tell me. I bandaged the wound and he went to bed.
I've been lossing some sleep. Not enough to really bother me. I just found myself shuffling around in the kitchen last night around 2:30 am, and I had no clue what I was doing or trying to do. I haven't quite digressed to sleepwalking yet.
Worked all day in the lab yesterday. I'm doing the same today. I haven't been eating lately either. But I'm never hungry. If I'm not hungry, I usually don't eat. But I should probably eat something tonight. Hijiri's going to be out training again, so I'll pick up something from the store on the way home.
Tsuzuki came back to work today. I want to do something for him... but I don't know what to do. I considered testing a potion on myself and seeing how that turned out.
But I decided that it would be a flop.
*sigh* I talked to Konoe this morning... about taking a day off. I've gotten all my assignments done ahead of time, and currently I'm working on next week's. I don't think a day off would throw me off all that much. But what would I do on a day off? Stay home? I was thinking about maybe going to Osaka... there's someone there I want to visit. Someone I haven't seen in a long time.
Oh well. Back to work.
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|
|
[23 Apr 2003|11:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Utada Hikaru - First Love |
] |
I didn't see much of anybody today... it seems like everyone's avoiding me... or am I avoiding them?
I don't know...
I've spent most of my time in the lab today. Didn't see Hijiri. He was already at work when I woke up. Didn't see him around the office...
Didn't see anybody really. I didn't eat lunch. I just stayed in the lab and worked.
I left a note on Hijiri's desk telling him that I was going to be home late, and not to bother waiting up for me or anything. I'm home now though. I'm exhausted... but not tired. I need to go to sleep anyway. I should probably eat something to, but I'm not hungry.
I keep taking out a picture... I've had this picture since I was about 18... I've never shown it to anybody...
It's a picture of my mother...
forget it, never mind. I must sound like some stupid kid.
I'm going to bed now... I'm going to be staying overtime tomorrow too probably.
Oyasumi
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| Confession |
[22 Apr 2003|10:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cher - Song for the Lonely |
] |
I should have known this would happen...
I had a dream earlier while sitting at Hijiri's bedside... Muraki killed him... again. He died completely this time. Shinigami can die too.... and I couldn't do anything to save him... in fact... I was the reason he was killed...
All those strange... beautiful dreams I've been having... they were all about him. They were all about Hijiri.
I love him.
I'm in love with Hijiri.
And something inside of me is telling me to stay away... to not get involved with him romantically... or bad things will happen to him. I don't want to hurt him... and I never want anything bad to happen to him.
He's in bed sleeping now... I'm tired too... I have to think... good night...
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| All nighter |
[21 Apr 2003|01:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gackt - Missing |
] |
Things are going very strangely...
Hijiri and I went to train station to get Tsuzuki and Hisoka... and guess who was there. Muraki. He invited Tsuzuki to dinner and Tsuzuki ACCEPTED. I understand Tsuzuki's reasons... Hisoka was pissed though.
We got to the hotel and Tsuzuki left to get some dinner and Hijiri and Hisoka almost ripped each others throats out... Hijiri and I went to look for Tsuzuki, but Hisoka found him first, so he and I went back to the hotel. We talked a bit before Hisoka and Tsuzuki got back. Tsuzuki got a present... and he obvious did not like it. He sent a message to Tatsumi, and we found that the room was bugged. Hisoka shot the cameras and I took the remaining parts and assembled a bug for Tsuzuki to wear. It took me all night, but it's done.
They demanded that I sleep... I'm okay though. I got a few hours in... I think I'll go get a few more...
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| Going-ons |
[20 Apr 2003|11:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gackt - Doomsday |
] |
Hijiri and I meet up with Tsuzuki and Hisoka soon... I hope they are doing okay. Hijiri and I are packing up to go to the train station.
Hijiri seems to be doing bit better. His marks faded, and he ate something which is good. If he didn't start eating soon, I'd have to examine him, see if he was sick or something. I know he hasn't been feeling well since he saw that body. Neither have I though.
I went into a trance earlier while he was playing the Devil's Trill... it was strange. My mind totally went blank... and the next thing I knew... I was covered in cold water. Hijiri had splashed me to get me out of the trance... it was very strange...
I better go... we're supposed to meet Tsuzuki and Hisoka soon.
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|
| Horrors abound |
[19 Apr 2003|01:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Evanescence - Even in Death |
] |
I'm worried about Hijiri... he hasn't been sleeping well... and his marks are glowing... he won't eat anything... and he won't accept any help I've tried to give him. He keeps pushing me away... I wish so much that I could do something for him.
We're both very shaken after yesterday's events. We went to hunt for the demon... and we found it, but we didn't have a chance to destroy it. It got away before we could do anything. There was a body where we found it. Upon a VERY minor investigation, I found that all the major organs of the body were missing... it wasn't messy, however... it was cleanly done, minus the blood that was everywhere... it looked as though a surgeon had removed them. Such precision. I had to turn away to keep my stomach from lurching. I'm sure that Hijiri felt the same, because I could see his eyes starting to well with tears and him clamp a hand over his mouth. I'm sorry that his first mission had to be this one... with me... I'm sure he would have done much better with Tsuzuki.
I talk to Tatsumi last night. I sent him a report on what happened, and he told me that Tsuzuki and Hisoka seem to be having similar problems... but with Muraki. He's throw himself into the mix. I wonder if he's the perpetrator behind the killings in Kyoto too. Afterall... last time I was here with Tsuzuki and Hisoka... never mind. I don't want to talk about it. It only makes my stomach hurt more.
After some detailed research on the demon itself, I found that it appears to be Kappa of sorts... not quite however...
I think Hijiri is finally asleep... I don't know. I hope he is. He needs it.
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|
| Anger much |
[18 Apr 2003|10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the ticking of the clock and Hijiri's very soft snoring |
] |
I am offically very angry. Tatsumi booked Hijiri and I a room with only one bed. It's not even a very big bed. Cheap ass -_-. No cots either. I searched and asked room service about one. None.
I let Hijiri have the bed. I'll just sleep on the floor. It's not that bad.
I think he's already asleep.
We start our mission offically tomorrow. I keep going over the information on the murders, and I still can't determine what kind of demon this might be. It shares characteristics with a few of the demons that I've dealt with before...
*yawn*... I'm so tried... and tomorrow's gonna be a long day.
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|
| Mission |
[18 Apr 2003|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cirque du Solei - Innocence |
] |
Things just keep getting weirder...
Hijiri and I were watching a movie last night. I fell asleep about 5 minutes through. ... I had another dream.... when I woke up, Hijiri was asleep too, leaning on me. I picked him up and took him to his bed...
When I woke up this morning, I had my arms around him. He was awake, looking up at me blushing. I was blushing too. I think I made him uncomfortable.
Tatsumi gave us a mission today. Demon summoned in Kyoto. We have to find it, exorcise it, and find where it came from. This'll be good experience for him.
*yawn* I'm so tired...
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| Dreams |
[16 Apr 2003|06:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
embarrassed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Saiyuki - For Real |
] |
By JuuOhCho... I have never had a stranger dream than that... okay, maybe I have... but this was strange. I'm not going into detail, because I start to blush everytime I think about it... but it was beautiful... but strange... I will never see that person in the same light again.
This whole week has been pretty interesting... as well as confusing.
Hijiri took me out for lunch yesterday because I didn't have any money. I spent lunch money for like 3 days on the teddy bear I got him, but he said that it helps him sleep. That's what counts.
His cooking is wonderful *_* I could eat it all the time. Last night he made chicken parmesan or something and afterwards, he made a cake. It was good too *_* chocolate goodness. 3/4 of the cake is still left too. I wonder he's making tonight...
Tatsumi wasn't too happy to find out that we're going to keep living together. We share the apartment at half rent each. We get along okay I guess, and we are partners, so I invited him to just stay. It's a bit easier on both of us. I'm gonna hafta take him shopping to get some furniture and stuff for his room, because it is barren.
The day before yesterday was even worse... we were on our way home... and he tripped. I managed to catch him, but in my own clumsiness, I tripped too, and he tried to catch me... but that's didn't quite work. We both fell.... me on top of him... oh my gods... I can't believe that I was just there staring down at him for a moment... that still makes me blush too...
I woke up early this morning... after my strange dream, and sat and watched tv... blankly... for two whole hours before Hijiri got up and we went to work...
Bad, Watari! *slaps self* Bad!
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| Strange feelings |
[14 Apr 2003|07:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Malice Mizer - Bel Air |
] |
Last night was interesting. But, before I talk about that, let me talk about a little while before that.
I had planned on going grocery shopping yesterday during my lunch break. I was just finishing up so work in the office before I went to do that, when Hijiri came in and was working on a bit of paperwork. He asked me why I wasn't eating lunch with the others. I told him that I was going to go grocery shopping. We talked a bit, and he said something about not having a place of his own yet, so I offered to let him stay with me until he found something. We got to some more talking, and he decided to go grocery shopping with me. He even said that he would cook for us while he was there. Yay. ^_^ I haven't had a really good home cooked meal since... I was alive ^^;;. We went shopping together, which was fun. I picked up some sweet rice cakes and shared them with him on the way to my apartment.
He went home early, I'm not sure why, but he was upset when he came to get the apartment keys from me. He was upset when I got home too. He was busy making dinner and didn't wanna talk about. We ate together, and then he went a took a shower while I cleaned up, and he went to bed. I went and did some work in my room on a new invention, but I was still worried about him. I could see his marks... but they didn't bother me. They just told me how he was feeling. I found him a few hours later, sitting in the living room, watching informercials. He was still upset. He said that he had had a nightmare. I sat with him and we talked about what was bothering him... and he hugged me... to thank me for listening to him... and he fell asleep! He was so cute ^_^. I didn't want to bother him, so I just took off my glasses and laid down with him on top of me.
........
I think.... I'm blushing.
*slaps self*
oh well. It's almost quitting time now... ^^ Hijiri just went to get us each something to drink... wait until he sees the stuffed teddy bear on his desk. It looks just like him. Dark brown fur, and bright green eyes... I even added a little red bow and a card. ^_^ I hope he likes it.
|
|
| Inventions |
[12 Apr 2003|09:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Erasure - Siren Song |
] |
Mmmmm... strawberry pocky...
^_^ I got bored and picked some up on the way home this evening. I bought a couple of extra boxes incase anyone at work wants them. I wonder if they will.
I invented something. I just hope it works. I think Tatsumi will like the princple behind it if he doesn't toss it in the trashcan like he did with my last invention ;;. It's a tracing device. Basically, one attaches a small homing device to the person or thing one wishes to keep track of, and using the control unit, one can trace the person or thing for up to 100 kilometers. Nifty huh? I still have to work out a few bugs, which I've started on already. I'll test it tomorrow at work.
.... heh... 003 is already sleeping. He helped me put this damned thing together. Maybe he'll help me test it out.
I've been so tired recently... maybe I should hit the hay too. Sounds like a good idea to me. First, I'm going to spelunk for some real food around here. I need to go shopping so badly. Maybe I'll do that during my lunch break tomorrow.
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