I feel like shit, it's this one woman at the place I work who is always so nice to me and what I do to repay her kindness? Look at her breast, I feel bad.
It's not like I get a kick out of it. I'm just afraid to look her in the eyes. I lie so much to people. She asked me if I like football and I almost replied, "Not really." I just happen to catch myself.
Football is okay, I just watch it so that I have something to talk about with people because sports is a big deal and although I watch baseball, football, and basketball, I don't care too much about it because I rarely watch it.
Anyway, I couldn't look her in the eyes and my eyes went to the next thing I seen.
It's so disrespectful, she's beautiful as a starry night in autumn. However, she's not anyone I would want to be with.
Oh and I'm leaving school for one semester, I think that's the only way I'll rekindle my love for learning and hopefully help me discover what I really want to do with my life. I'm tired and I need to wake up early, so I'm gone.
I wanted to see Zhang or Lindsey yesterday. I don't know what it is, but I really want to see them.
My life is a mess, school is becoming a chore, work is becoming a nussaince, and everyday events are becoming bothersome.
I think that I need a change or a wake up call. I know that I'm taking this for granted, but still I continue down the same monotonous road that seems to go on forever and a day.
I hate the kind of man I've grown into. A lying, unsure, good-for-nothing asshole.
I'm tired, been playing video games for several hours instead of studying for my next trig test.
I think I failed the last test. Which means that I'm bringing home all D's, it's so utterly pathetic that I feel like crying.
Maybe the later days will bring me peace...
After Anthony, Donnell, and Mark visited me today, I found the resolve to focus on obtaining my driver's license.
I really, really want one and I really, really want some freedom.
Today is fucking horrible, I found out that I overdrawn on my credit card and I have no idea how.
Maybe the community college kept trying to withdraw the remaining money I owe them. I have no idea.
I guess next year I won't be attending school because I won't be able to afford it. I will probably just find a job to pay off the few debts that I owe.
This shit is becoming a bit stressful. I really hate how the janitorial company I work for has reduced all my fucking hours in the hopes of making up lost profits.
It makes me sick because I don't know if it's legal or not.
Next month I will probably have to work on paying off my credit card. Damn, my credit score just got lower.
So I thought long and hard over what I said. I now realize that I have a problem, I want to be acknowledged.
Now on to other things...
I saw Lindsey today and God help me, she looked so beautiful! She gets very uncomfortable around me though and I can't blame her. What would someone like that want with me?
Also, I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not satifsfied with anything I've done nor with the speed at which my progress is occurring.
Yet I want to talk with her. I want to know everything it is to know about her. I wish I could talk to her. But how can I, at this point --- I don't feel worthy...
So I had my trig test today. I hope I did well on it.
I keep saying arrogant things and it always end up biting me in my ass.
I had many opportunities to pass my past tests.
Either it was open book or take home and although it's not that challenging (it's still challenging, but I mean the end result), I still found myself getting D's. I didn't study and that is probably why.
Yesterday at work, everyone was talking about my manager and how coniving he seems to be.
Honestly, I don't care all that much. This is work and I do consider the people I work with and for to be friends, but only inside that building. After work, I don't see them, we don't talk, and we'd never go out for a drink. It may seem cold, but it's the truth and that makes it easier for me to deal with all the shit I feel.
The people I work with do accept me to an extent, but the people I work for don't. I feel like a damn mascot and I don't really have a problem with it, but I just don't feel anything anymore.
Lindsey, Kristen, Shaowen, Stephanie, Erica, Kim, Kristin, and whoever else who may feel uncomfortable around me can get extremely bent. Maybe the reason I'm drawn to them is because of their actions around me.
I don't have anything against them mind you, they are great and seem to be nice. I just hate the fact that people draw conclusions without knowing me and over-look me because of rash decision making.
I was at the library dong my take home portion of the test when I saw these two beautiful asian girls and I thought about them for a while. I wonder why I'm like that?
I don't really want to be with anyone, I think that I'm just in love with the idea.
That's enough, I guess I'm done.
So I've been trying to get a hold of everyone in my Capstone class to see what I need to do for the global report that is due tomorrow and let me tell you, it's hard. If I can't a hold of them on a Sunday, then I would hate to have tried to get a hold of them yesterday!
I went to the libary again and it was cool. After I finish ironing my shirts for the rest of the week, I'm going to eat and study for my math test before I start the report.
I'm seriously trying here.
In my Capstone class, I couldn't get a hold of anyone but Cara. She was at work and still replied, she's a sweet kid. I tried two other people, but Amanda gave everyone the wrong number or she was avoiding me and Dan just didn't pick up the phone.
I want to say something bad, but what I can I say? They don't know me from jack-shit!
Let me go upstairs and get a bite to eat and then iron my clothes. Tonight doesn't seem like it's going to be all that great, but then again, it could be the best day of my life (doubt it).
So, I went to the library yesterday and it was awesome. It's just those small things that will help me break out of my shell. Every weekend, I just sit in house and watch television. I love being at home, but I want to go outside sometimes too.
After leaving the library, I sat down and waited on the bus. While doing so, I seen three very beautiful women, who all seemed to be Italian. I would have approached them, but I didn't have the best hygiene going at the moment.
I need to keep up my hygiene, I've been a bit lazy during the weekends. I guess since I don't go anywhee I just assume I shouldn't shower, it's a disgusting habit that I need to break.
Also, today is the official day that I try to eat healthier. I'm cutting back on sweets and all kind of junk food. It means that I will have to come up with some kind of plan. I don't really eat anything and I need to develop the habit of healthy eating.
Okay, that's enough out of me...
So today at work, I actually seen Lindsey and I was excited. I don't know what it is, but there's something about her. I mean, it's more than her beauty that seems to command my attention. She seems so nice and very well-reserved.
So today, I actually called her name and it's the first time in the three years I've been there that I've done so. I never addressed her by her name or anything. I don't know, i think that I made her nervous.
I need to quit trying to gain her attention. I have nothing to offer her and what I mean by that is, I'm not happy with who I am, so how can I be happy with anyone else?
I want to extend a hand of friendship to her, but I fear that it would be rejected.
What do I want? Who do I want to be?
I'm so lost right now. I have no idea of what kind of person I am. I need to become the type of guy I've always imagined myself to be, I just don't know who that person is right now.
I want to be strong, I want to confident, I want to feel safe in my own skin, and I want to be able to disregard what others think of me. Those are attributes that I truly desire, but what else.
I know that I plan on giving it all up. What I'm giving up are the things that slow me down.
Hours of watching television, playing video games, and the all too time-consuming art of masturbation. Everytime I do the last one, I feel like shit. It's one of those habits that you can't easily break.
Strange thing at the moment is, I'm not sexually attracted to women. I'm not a homosexual or anything, I am attracted to women, but they don't give me that crazy feeling that I used to have in my teen years.
I think it's all thanks to all the years of wanking off. I need to quit before the side-effects are permanent.
With that odd confession, I am going to end it there...
I'm tired of lying.
Today, Deb asked me if I was still in school and I told her yeah.
That wasn't the lie because I'm still in school. However she went on to ask me what courses I was taking and I told her linear algebra and shell ox (which isn't even in use anymore).
I didn't tell her that was on academic suspension nor did I tell her that I was taking trig and in capstone classes at the community college.
Oh yeah, I'm full of shit and highly insecure. I so tired of lying, I wish I could go back in time and remain silient because lying is so hard and definitely tiring.
Also, I didn't study at all today. I just sat on my ass, ate, played the game for an hour, watch television, and slept. Good thing is, I actually cleaned up today, which is an absolute plus.
I know that I'm tired of sitting at home and doing nothing. I want to go out and do things, but a few things are stopping me.
The first thing is, I'm a bit scared to go out and do things by myself, which is strange because I'm always alone.
The second thing is, I don't have the financial freedom that I once had. I got greedy and started buying shit and that leads to debt. So far it's not too bad, a hospital bill, my dell payment, student loans, and credit card payments are the only thing and I hope that it doesn't get any higher.
I am planning on going to sleep shortly after I eat and take a cold shower because the gas bill is extremely high. I wish I could help my family out more than I am. I feel like such a loser and I'm in despair over it.
Tomorrow I hope to grow a bit, I need to change who I am because I want to be an adult, not a child in an adult's body!
I can't believe I missed capstone again, fuck! I have to stop playing video games and listening to music after 10pm or I won't get anywhere.
At least I made it to trigonometry class today.
I have to get up and go to the library tomorrow. Fuck it, I need to study tonight, how in the hell can I fail such an easy class? Oh yeah that's right, I don't study! I just sit on my ass all day and do nothing, I'm tired of being in this rut, I'll let everything go an live like a monk if I have to.
Everytime I go to class and I see Mya, I can't help but feel a need to talk to her. I need to quit that shit.
I'm afraid of being rejected by her and she's so pretty and she seems highly intelligent, unlike me.
I've been shifting between community college and a four-year school for almost five years and I'm almost thirty. I need to sit down and focus so that I can get this over with.
Damn Mya, I have to stop thinking about her. It won't work, she's white and I'm black. She seems to be 6 years younger and she seemed more experience when it comes to life.
I've been living in a cave my whole life, I've yet to experience life.
I guess that enough for right now. Get your act together and not for anyone else's sake, only your own.
Well, I've got a lot of journals out there and I keep finding myself in the same predicament. I make a few finds and I start holding back my or alter my true feelings.
So I've decided to start fresh and make a new journal and isolate myself from anyone on the same site. Seems like something an asshole would do and I'm sure they would. However, I find myself more concerned with other people problems than I do with my own, so I'm going to be selfish for once.
It's okay to feel this way, everyone needs their own private space. You aren't here to make friends, just a place to release your feelings and be completely honest with yourself.
Since you've already wrote today, you will have to wait until monday to write again.