lost and found... [27 Sep 2004|07:47pm]
holy shit.

i found him.

and he's coming to see me at work.

Mentally Engaging. [06 Sep 2004|06:34pm]
Our lives are filled with milestones. Graduation, living on our own, becoming adults. In the beginning, most of these milestones are pretty well structured, assuring us that we are keeping up, making it. But after these pass, how do we know when it's really time for those other important things in life that we're "supposed to do" eventually? When is eventually? And if we miss it, do we ever get another chance?

My close friend and roommate recently (and when I say recently, I mean 5 minutes ago) announced her engagement, which she is very happy and excited about. And that's great. All of my congratulations go out to the happy couple. But what about the rest of us? Are we behind or are they simply ahead of us? And does it matter? Are we all running in a life-race that determines our worth as human beings? As I struggle with the decision of keeping up or just throwing in the towel, I can't help but wonder, what about those of us who aren't ready to finish the race?

There are quite a few people in my life who are so seemingly settled. So happy and fulfilled. There are times when I admire them and think how great it must be to have that. Whatever it is. But most of the time I just want to laugh, put on my heels and go out drinking and dancing. But what happens when people start telling me that I'm not supposed to be doing that anymore? Apparently the verdict is in: I should be out looking for a settlement.

Maybe I'm avoiding my milestone but for right now, that's fine with me. Maybe that's fine with me forever. Who really knows when we're on this leg of the race? Some of us may, and that's wonderful. But for those of us who still aren't sure, well I say we should just keep running in whatever direction we want. And maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're just supposed to keep running wild until they find someone who will run just as wild with them.

[03 Sep 2004|11:54pm]
okay. nevermind.

too many people read this.

private from now on.


[22 Aug 2004|05:07pm]
so ... is it bad that the majority of my friends forgot my birthday this year?

oh well. happy birthday to me.

[17 Aug 2004|12:33pm]
yeah..okay. i'm not a fucking alcoholic so get over yourself. just because i have a life and you do not/did not when you were my age doesn't mean you get to be all "holier than thou". fuck off.

other than that. my grandparents are here for the week. i'm getting ready for my last show of the summer on saturday...surrounded with parties, including one for my b-day. woo..i'm excited. i don't know why. i don't really want to get older...there's nothing particularly special about 19, but i don't care. it's my party and i'll be excited if i want to. then it's off to florida the next week..which is really exciting. i can't wait to get down there. but now i have to go ... get dressed, because i'm in the nude. haha. bye lovers.

[17 Aug 2004|12:33pm]
yeah..okay. i'm not a fucking alcoholic so get over yourself. just because i have a life and you do not/did not when you were my age doesn't mean you get to be all "holier than thou". fuck off.

other than that. my grandparents are here for the week. i'm getting ready for my last show of the summer on saturday...surrounded with parties, including one for my b-day. woo..i'm excited. i don't know why. i don't really want to get older...there's nothing particularly special about 19, but i don't care. it's my party and i'll be excited if i want to. then it's off to florida the next week..which is really exciting. i can't wait to get down there. but now i have to go ... get dressed, because i'm in the nude. haha. bye lovers.

[11 Aug 2004|09:49am]
[ mood | awake ]

"got stains on my t-shirt and i'm the biggest flirt..."

i have ashlee simpson songs in my head. eep.

anyway. in like, ten minutes i have to leave for the damn dentist. i fricken hate going to the dentist. oh well. it must be done.

16 days 'til FL & St.A.!!!!!!!!

i'm so excited.

mike r. left me messages last nite (again). no more football playas for this girl.

shit i have to go. bye..


[10 Aug 2004|09:08am]
[ mood | drained ]

why are we all such masochists when it comes to relationships?


[08 Aug 2004|01:13pm]
[ mood | horny ]

yeah..i suck at writing in here anymore. i know. shut up. all of you!

just kidding.

so anyway..what have i been doing?? working. that's what. i complain but i shouldn't, because it really is the funnest job ever. between kelly and i walking around in a pair of guys jeans, ordering too much chinese, dancing with manicans, talking up the ass in the back room, porno discussions and allllll the other things that go on in hollister that most people are oblivious to..it's the easiest and funnest job i can imagine having right now. plus i get the goods. so yay for that.

other than that i've been riding and stuff. went to warped tour on thursday. oh my good lord that was AMAZING. i would give anything to do it all over again. the bands, the music, the hottt punk boys. ::swoooooooooon:: ahhh.

ok i'm good now.

i'm going to get my nose pierced. if i stop being such a pussy about it. yeah...we'll see. i really want it done. but whatever.

i need to shower 'cause i have to work tonite.

oh wait - i'm living in the twilight zone. the past few mornings i've been able to sleep in - today until 11! and my mom and i are getting along so well. it's insane. i don't have to watch tyler anymore. i'm not getting paid for it either - obviously - but i can live without. and she's been really cool about..everything. it's so weird.

my tv is really loud.

ok i'm going to shower.

ps - i really need to have sex. aug. 17th better hurry the fuck up.


[03 Aug 2004|09:35am]
i was going to post something. but blurty just pissed me off.

so no.

[26 Jul 2004|03:26pm]
[ mood | drained ]

ugh. i would love it if this day would just be over. i am so unmotivated to do anything right now. i just got out of the shower after riding and i'm supposed to leave in an hour - no later - to have a birthday dinner with my dad, then i have to go to work until 11 tonight, which sucks, because i'm so tired and i just want to crawl in bed, pull the covers up and forget that the world exists for a while. i don't know what my problem is! the past couple of days i have just been freaking ... i don't know. depressed and emotional and unenthusiastic about everything. i feel like such a head case. i've got to get myself out of this funk somehow. i don't know how though. i'm happy when i get to talk to marshall. excluding last night for a little bit when the emotional/depressed side of me showed a little. i just wanted to stay on the phone with him forever. i just want him to be here. i can't wait until august 17..i'm so excited about that. i'm looking forward to him coming more than anything else. unfortunately though, i have to get dressed and ready and stuff otherwise i'll be really late. blah. someone go take a nap for me. i wish that would work.


[24 Jul 2004|03:38pm]
Hmm...all kinds of stuff to write about, no time or energy to really write it down. Oh well. I'll try. The boy was here again earlier this week and we had a lovely time. At least I did, I hope he did, too. It was very relaxing and very much so needed. He left me all kinds of notes in my room. :o) Supposedly I haven't even found them all yet. It's so sweeet. And we ate chinese food and watched movies and hung out in the barn a little. I let him watch me jump Enya, which was nerve racking because..I don't know. It just is. He's such a good rider and I just want to live up to..something. I don't know. It's hard to explain I guess. I don't ever want him to feel disappointed in me or disappointed because of me. Blah. And it's getting so hard to say goodbye. So hard. I don't even want to imagine the next time we have to do that. He's coming for my birthday, which I'm excited about. That's the best birthday present I'm getting...I can't wait.

always assuming the worst, but you're going on none the less. and there's nothing to cushion your heart, let fall. letters from further away keep pulling me close to home. and there's something to cushion my callous sighs. and i know that you hope for longer goodbyes. embracing for forever and falling in your eyes - in my eyes. pouring over photographs, i'm living in your letters. breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and i can't be without that scent, it's filling me with all you mean to me. continually failing these trials but you stand by me nonetheless. and you won't let me sink, though i'm begging you. i'm begging you. phone calls from further away, and messages on my machine. but i don't ever tell you this distance seems terrible. and there's no need to test my heart with useless space. these roads go on forever. there'll always be a place for you in my heart. so i'll hit the pavement - it's gotta be better than waiting and pushing you far away 'cause i'm scared. so i'll take my chances and head on my way up there..."

[17 Jul 2004|12:46pm]
So I got bored and filled one of these things out. )

[16 Jul 2004|01:43pm]
i am seriously having the craving to shop. like...a lot. for more than the amount of money i have in my wallet right now which is BAD. it's a dangerous, deadly craving. and what's worse is - i have to work tonight - which means easy access to clothing. and the shoes i want are right across the mall...a;lkjdfa;lskfja;lkfjdsalkjfa;lksajfjrewoiajf.

i can't spend my money. i CAN'T. ::sigh:: why can't i just get my inheritance now? before i turn 21? blah. ok..enough of that. i'm being too materialistic again. :-P

but the shoes - way cute.

ok i'm done. anyway. i rode today. it was ok. i had to ride with all the kiddos though because it was the only time i wouldn't be watching tyler all day since he had camp this morning. it's all good. enya was lovely. i think she's going to get the day off tomorrow though. i have another lesson on monday and i'll just hack her on sunday before i have to work. i'm going to try to pick up someone's shift for tomorrow because i NEED to work. seriously i think i've only got like, 9 hours on the paycheck that i'm getting today, which is pathetic.

my hair feels funny. it's pretty much the same length but it just feels like there's so much less of it because of all the layers she put in. it's cool. i haven't seen what it looks like straight yet - so i think i'm going to try that in a minute or so. lallaala.

my mom was such a ho this morning.

4 more days until marshall is here!!!!!!!!!

i was thinking about fall semester last night after i got off the phone with him. it's going to suck. more than a lot. it's going to feel so different i think. i mean, at least right now we can drive to see each other. and it's not terrible to do that. but when i'm in florida it's like...wayyyy far away. plus we're not going to be seeing each other every other week like we have been lately. blah. someone rearrange the states for me. please??

my writing is so terrible lately. i sound like a teeny bopper. so like...haha...totally i'm out!

ew. song )

[13 Jul 2004|08:38pm]
my mouth is sore and my toes hurt. wahhhhh. it's all good though, because my mom and i are having margaritas. hah. strange how we can get along sometimes...shout at each other for five minutes like we just did...then get ready to watch a movie. we have such a psycho relationship.

went to the dentist today, which is my very least favorite thing to do. period. right above having my fingernails pulled off one by one. ughh. i hate it. but it's over..and i'm so lucky that i get to go back in a couple weeks. yay me. then i'm going to look like a chipmunk and that will just..suck.

i rode enya today. she was good except we had to ride in the back field. i'm not big on riding back there but oh well. susan was back there and she was cantering around belting out "amazing grace" at the top of her lungs. my cue to leave. sorry but...not a fan. whyyy must we have psycho borders?

my marshall (maybe i should just call him MM...haha) and i had another lovely talk last nite about future type stuff, which always gives me the goosebumps and the stomach flip thing all at once. it was nice. it's funny how he's become such a permanent fixture in my life. i can honestly say that i really don't see anything coming between us any time soon. (knock on every wood around, crosses fingers and prays for the first time in forever) i know that i would do anything, possible or seemingly impossible, to keep him in my life and that's kinda scary...but very nice. i'm dreading the day when we settle into our routine and the newness wears off and he realizes how dull i am or the fact that he can do so much better. yeah...nightmares. i'll not think about that. i'm just concentrating on right now..and the fact that i love him so much. so so so much.

well i am going to watch mona lisa smile with my mom...and wish i was in michigan watching baseball with my boy. until tomorrow - much love to allllllll.

one of my favorites.. )

[12 Jul 2004|07:57pm]
damn. i just keep getting better. look at this hott layout everyone. it was kind of a bitch to make so it'll probably stay around for a while. enjoy. or don't. whatever. how about the pictures on the side?? good or no?? i really can't decide. i guess any reason to get the hottness of andrew on the screen more is lovely. (right em??) haha.

i broke my toes today. two of 'em. they hurt like hell and it sucks. if they're not broken then they sure are quite bruised and screwed up because my foot is all purple and gross looking and ew. enough about that.

instead of doing this i should definitely be cleaning my room. it is a messsss. seriously - i'm not sure if i still have a floor. maybe i'll work on that while i'm on the phone with marshall tonite. maybe. speaking of which - he's coming next week! exciting, eh? i thought so. still have to figure out when and all that but it'll be cool.

i need to talk to my dad about this art opening thing we're going to thursday. i'm looking forward to it, except for the walking in heels which is going to be a LOT more difficult now that i'm broken and the fact that i have yet to tell my mom i'm going. with him. argh. that'll be lovely. or not so much. but i get to get all dressy and lovely and i really am not sure what i'm going to wear yet. so ignore the getting dressy part as of right now.

haha - talking to paul about fantasy books. reminds me of senior year and reading ender's game. haha. remember that lindz??? crazy times. and apryl making fun of me CONSTANTLY. not that i blame her now. but hey...emo boys are fun. and remember getting high in the yearbook room??? hahaha. that was great. and when i straightened my hair in there? and yours? and all the cake and cookies you brought in? and oh my gosh - the GARLIC ROLLS! that one day when we ordered like a million of them!? and all the times we ordered pizza to the school and never got in trouble? geez we got away with so much. going to all four lunches. i really did think we'd get caught for doing that at some point. or when i left to tan. lol. ahhh high school.

okay - that's about all for today. except for....song... )

[11 Jul 2004|08:15pm]
ok..so maybe i have this whole journal thing worked out now. maybe? hopefully. i think it looks good...and if you don't. well then just go away. haha. kidding. kinda.

so yeah - my mom and i fought again today. again being the key word in that sentence. she'll probably try to off me when i ride tomorrow. if so - nice knowing you all. hah.
she's off having dinner with chuck and dana tonight i guess. whatever.

i'm freezing. and why is songmeanings always f-ed up?

so last nite at work was fun. fun and easy. we were done really early but i hung around with jamie and amy (yeah they rhyme) after we got everything done. then derek, luke, and dan show up with cinnabon for us because they thought we would be working late, which we weren't so yay us. but they were nice and gave us the cinnabon anyway. woo for them. then we all sat around for a little while talking and stuff. fun fun. got outta there before 11 but jamie kept us on the clock until 11 - yay for that. then it freaking poured down rain on my way home and i like, skidded around for a while which was really scary. but then i got home and it hadn't even rained yet. crazy stuff.

then today i watched hellchild tyler for most of the day. fought with my mom. then i got to ride which was lovely. except it was still kinda humid and sticky out. oh well. still mucho fun. my big pony was good. even if she's not really my big pony i'm still going to pretend. because enya and i have an understanding. lol. not really. i just really like her and she seems like she tolerates me which is lovely.

i'm listening to "as you sleep" by soco right now. ahhhh...i remember when they played it in concert. it was so good. sometimes their songs give me goosebumps. they just hit right for some reason. especially "konstantine". maybe i'm just crazy and geeky because music gets me all ... i don't even know. but oh well.

i miss my boy already. it's so weird after we see each other. i mean, not weird. but like, right now i feel like i should just get ready and go over to his house to hang out for a while. which we could do if there weren't a lot of miles in between there. ::sigh:: it's just so aggravating. i just get bitter. there are people who live five minutes away from each other and don't appreciate what they have at all. and it's just not fair that two people who are so in love with each other have to put up with miles in between them all the time. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ok...i'm freezing still and i'm going to go .. do something else. oh wait - i wanna post a song. here... )

[11 Jul 2004|02:35pm]
i hate my mother. and i know - those are harsh words. but really. i do. i just wish that for one day i could exist without her despising me for doing so. without her telling me that i'm a terrible person/daughter/girl/bitch. i don't want to cry anymore.

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