When You Wash Over Me...'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
When You Wash Over Me...

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2 Journals is hard to keep up with... [30 Aug 2003|10:14pm]
Does anyone else have LJ too?
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"please don't worry." .............too late. I feel sick. [28 Jul 2003|10:22pm]
So, All this time I thought Craig was in Germany. Nice safe and sound.
It's been about 6 months since I've heard from him. I wasn't even going to check my email right now I just got on to put in an address change and to check a car price for my uncle. :-/

If you didn't know I'm at the Baghdad International Airport and have been for almost the past three months. I'm probably the safest place I can be so please don't worry. [deleted] I went swimming at the presidential palace(the one we bombed the hell out of)

I saw that on the news and I thought about him but then thought, oh no no hes nice and safe in Germany.. far far away.

I haven't been shot at yet which is a plus. Driving through this God-forsaken city is like playing Grand Theft Auto - weaving in and out of traffic in a three or four Humvee convoy...missing cars and people on either side by mere inches. It's actually kind of a rush in a wierd sort of way. It also scares the shit out of me to think while I'm driving that any piece of trash on the road could be an explosive device or someone could be waiting on an overpass to drop a grenade on me or shoot an RPG at me. It's not a very comforting feeling. The only to cope with it is to not think about it. Of course you have to think about it while you're doing it, but as soon as it's over with you have to start thinking about something else or you will drive yourself insane worrying about it all the time. It might sound strange to you, but that's the only way I can do it.
I hope to hear back from you soon. I do hope that you are not mad at me. I will try to make it up to you the best I can. Take care and enjoy your summer.
Iraq - the 51st state,


But don't worry right [/sarcasm]

He doesn't usually sound like that. I should put parts of his old emails on here to show how he's changed.

I don't have a clue what to reply to him. I have nothing to say that can even compare to that.
Suggestions will be helpful!
2 comments|post comment

I should use this more.. [04 Jul 2003|05:36pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Lifehouse - Spin ]

I'm pretty sure I got the job. :-D
I go Saturday to take the manager my ID, a copy of my social security number and to actually fill out an application. Then Tuesday I go to the orientation and I GO IT. Weee.

That's really nice of Chris to help me out. Hmm. I kind of wonder why? Ya know. He told me that he helped his other friend get in there last month so I figured, oh he's just that type of guy but he's known her since high school.

It was busy in there so we had to wait for the manager. We sat there and talked for a while. After the interview we went to starbucks. He's mean, but funny mean and not to me. :D Hopefully we'll hang out again. He invited me to a party he's having tomorrow but.. I don't know. I'm not much of a party person :-/
We got lost on the way home. We were talking so I was looking at him, not paying attention to the road. He's driving, not me lol. We missed the exit and I noticed everything’s flat and just ... grass. I guess he noticed me looking around cause he goes "Did we go too far?" So, I asked him if we passed the exit and he was like "oh yeah that ones back there" lol. We had to get off that freeway and get back on to the other one we were supposed to take. Took a couple wrong turns but made it back.
When I was getting out of the car it was kinda awkward like.. uh .. ok... what now? lol. aw well :-/

On another note.
I miss Topher. We used to not go one day without taking to each other...It's been about 3 now and sometimes even goes up to a week. :-/

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[19 Jun 2003|01:34am]
I'm going to be moving home :-\
Terry asked me to move out. She said I don't clean up after myself, I leave my dishes and go home and its been bothering her for a while. (They are so dirty I should have went around taking pictures)
All B.S

Even if it was true, instead of talking to me about it she just tells me to move out? Legally she cant kick me out, I'm on the lease. But who wants to be where they're not wanted?
I said "ok now that I know there's a problem can we try it for a month and see how things go?"
Her - "well.. I really need my own space"

So, what it is that she wants her own room.
I asked her about my deposit, she said she'd give me mine. So, I know it's not that she doesn't like me or anything like that. She didnt like Aida and when she moved out she didnt give back her deposit.

Besides I can't really afford the apartment and I may be getting a job here in Selma, so I'd have to be here anyway.. saves me a lot of money.

But, I do have to go to school so I don't know how that's going to work. I may have to drop my classes. Until I get a car or find someone else that needs a roommate.

If I really wanted to be a bitch I could say NO I’m not moving out.. find your self your own place.. I am on the lease.

Then not give them back their deposit and really screw them over.
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Good Times. [16 Jun 2003|11:40am]
When was the last time you played hide and go seek?

I really want to play. lol.

The last time I was 13.

One time, we (Paula and I) were hiding FOREVER. So, we decided to come out and look for the person that was it. We found the other people that were hiding (about 12 of us) and walked all around for like half an hour. We were going around the back of the apartments and we just happened to look up. Over the brick fence separating my apartments from his, and he was sitting in his window! lmfao. He had went home.
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I Try To Make My Way To You... But Still I Feel So Lost.. [23 May 2003|04:30am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Lifehouse - Take Me Away (acoustic) ]

Ick I need to buy a fan.

I woke up at 7am today because I had to use the facilities. I was waiting for my mom (she was bringing me food..hehe) and I fell back asleep. Woke up when she knocked on the door around 8:30. Ate, showered. Julie was still asleep when I got out. We both sat around flipping through the channels tell about noon then she wanted to go down to the 7/11 so we walked over there. Wasn't TOO hot yet. We were crossing the street "joking" bout the different times we've almost gotten hit by cars. I dun like Cedar near Fresno State. -_-. Wasted money, came home and watched a movie. Then I had nothing better to do than clean.. how sad is that!
I rearranged my ENTIRE closet. Took everything out, Threw stuff away, organized it, put it back in.

I talked to Michael. I "jokingly" told him that the reason I gave him my number was for him to USE IT. To which he apologized and said he's been really busy with finals and then apologized again :D But I don't know if he’s actually being honest about things or he's making up excuses. Either way he knows I noticed it and so it's up to him now. How busy can he be if he's staying out all night as his friends...
Last night I was talking to him online and out of no where he goes "omg!!!" "I gotta go" so I asked him what happened today. Turns out he spilt soda ALL OVER his friends keyboard. BUT instead of cleaning it up right away he sat there and typed that out to me, lmfao.

I haven't talked to (Chris)Topher since Wednesday. I saw him Thursday but didn't talk to him and I already know I won't be hearing from him this weekend because he has "company" as;dkjfadsljkfdslk
I dunno.. I dunno... I'm so confused over him. Er, yet its so clear.. BLEH.


I can't be losing sleep
over this, no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing
Read more... )
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[20 May 2003|01:21am]
I have such a headache.
My eyes are full of tears
My heart aches
And I'm hungry

What a great day.
1 comment|post comment

Over emotional [17 May 2003|11:32pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I'm halfway to tears and I don't even know why.

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I'm so disappointed in myself. [06 May 2003|08:03pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I got a C in Bio. I knew I was going to have a high C but I didn't know how high. I missed a B by two points.
TWO POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I can count where I could have gotten them. Before every lab we have a 5 point quiz. I missed 3 weeks in the begging of school because I didn't know if I was going to have the money or not. There's FIFTEEN points there alone. On this last quiz my contacts were doing something weird and I read a question wrong. I KNEW the answer too. There's one.

I still owe $600 on this waste of an f-ing class. -_-

Now for sure I have to go to Fresno City (FCC)this fall. That means I have to pay for Fresno State (those money hungry bastards) to send my transcripts. I looked on the site today and it says they won't send the transcripts if you owe them money. Um.. I still have to pay for this class. I can't get 600 anytime soon. Kiss my ass.

Now.. IF FSU will even send my transcripts I have to ride the bus allll the way over there. I've never riden the bus before.

So in short,
Those two points just cost me $1000 (my financial aid check will be that much shorter) and all the hassle of having to get my ass in AND over to FCC 3 days a week. Horray. -_-

Now I'm off to go yell at myself some more.



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Now and then, I get insecure. From all the pain, I'm so ashamed [02 May 2003|03:44am]
I Have A Headache. I Should Be Asleep.

I went to eat chinese food with my mom and shes all stressed out cause of my brothers. I feel so bad ... at least when I lived there she had me ya know.. we could lean on each other so to say. My brothers are assholes. I get along with the 22 year old because we both dont like my older one, Nick. But I hate his attitude, specially toward my mom. He has a chip on his shoulder and he needs to let it fucking go. I hated it there sooo much i'd freakin kill myself if i had to go back. I was reading over past entries, I was miserable. I don't know how I did it. I know I couldn't do it again... It was mostly a lot of emotional and some physical abuse. Not until i moved out did i realize the huge affect thats going to have on me.. It shows in just the way i interact with my roommates. I'll be fine one day and hiding away in my room the next, usually hiding away in my room becasue when i lived at home.. my room was my safe place. Where i didnt get consant comments about how much of a lazy, loser, worthless, selfish kid i was. I'm not over exagerating in anyway. It was an everyday thing.
I remember one night umm not tooo long ago. I was talking to Joey and he was asking me why i was so quiet. He probably doesnt remember this. And i told him, in my house you LEARN to shut your mouth. No one is born shy. And he goes "you need to move out"... which i later did :-D

Up until i was about 14. I was extremely outgoing. A chatter box, i never shut up (hard to believe right?) and not to sound all up on my self but, i had a lot of friends. Then i realized how wrong things were and i closed off to everyone. I remember my friends dad would always ask me whats wrong... and i'd use the lack of sleep as an excuse.

Right now my brothers friend Juan is living there. so now not only do we have nicks friends comin over 24/7 but his as well. My mom wants to tell Juan to leave but she doesnt know how cause he's been a family friend since i was like 5. As long as I could remember we had one of Nick's loser friends living with us.
This is why i have a bias thing about guys that try to be "gangsta" cause thats what type he is and thats the type of guys i grew up around. I always went for the losers in HS. I still do somewhat. I feind for the guy that'll treat me like shit. At least now i realize it and can prevent it in the future. of course i do like the nice guys, but it always being the nice guys i cant have or show no interest in me.

Joey- my middle brother. Is very bitter. He has always had nick putting him down, as i have.. but since he's younger than nick he's never gotten the crediblity as nick has. And one other thing Joey and I can relate on is were always seen as the children.

I was sitting in my moms car earlier putting something away and i felt... funny. .. like i shouldnt be there? I dont know how to explain it. Like i was 12 almost... and its like HI, i'm going to be 20 i should own a car. I should have WAY more indapendence and more importantly CONFIDENCE in myself than i do.

Nick ugh. My moms told him to leave multiple times. I've told her already he wont go unless you call the cops. DO IT. She's too worried about making a scene. Um.. its worth your sanity, it really is. I don't mean to come off as the cold hearted bitch but i'm SICK of it. If nick would just grow the fuck up. I'm sick of these people being misrable and making everyone else that way. If you dont like your life GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CHANGE IT. Fuck. Its really not that difficult to understand. Nick is so vindictive. He thinks the world revoloves around him and usually only cares about himself. He doesn't ask for permission for anything, he takes. I remember my mom always tellin gme to hide my stuff or my money so nick wont take it. WTF. MY freakin room and i have to hide my own belongings so they wont get stolen from me?!
On the other hand, when we were younger he was protective of me like the normal brother would be. Made sure I had eaten lunch and dinner. But sometimes the bad doesn't rule out the good. Funny thing is no matter how angyr he gets me. I could forgive him in a heartbeat if he only said he was sorry.
There's a part of me that feel so bad for him and I just wanna do something, anything to help him.. then the other that wants to say .. you know what. Fuck you. You dug your damn hole and in turn you put me in one... now get youself the fuck out of it on your own.
There is a lot of stuff I actually don't remember. I was reading this Psych. thing and it was saying that you sometimes disconnect yourself from stuff like that. I remember a few occasions of being dragged of my bed or getting pulled this way and that way, getting smacked, etc etc. I never really bruised easily but there was one time I was laying on the top bunk bed and I had one arm hanging off the side.. I don't remember what happened that he pulled my by my arms and I went forward and my cheek bone.. not my cheek bone but the part right under your eye smacked into the metal frame. Nice bruise from that.
There is a huge size diff between nick and i. I am 5'3" 90lbs. Nick is 5'10" like 230lbs or so.
Now dont get me wrong i dont hate nickand truely its not as bad as it sounds. I hate what hes done to my family. Its like dominos... we all had a part in fucking it up but he started the little "topple" by doing druges and being the spoiled bitch he is. Another reason why i've never even tried smoking pot. Nick doesnt like my dad. Um.. they're the exact same fucking thing.

The Joys of living in disfunctionville.
But of course, things could be MUCH worse.
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TO-PHER [01 May 2003|11:34pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | The All American Rejects - Swing Swing ]

Now, Ugh. Christopher. A month ago he was getting on my nerves. Which made it REALLY easy to forget him. Then he started coming back around. But since he had already bugged the shi*boink* out of me. It didn't matter I saw him differently. I introduced him to Joey and they were talking and seem to get along. I talk to Joey a little later and he's telling me how we would look good together and how he wants us to get together, etc etc. Which you know.. put false hope in me and brought so many feelings just, flooding right back. Now recently, this past week since he's been back from his parents. He acted a little different with me. MUCH more affectionate, just the way he talks. IE: if we go the day without talkin to each other he'll be telling me later how much he missed me and blah blah BLAH. Which in turn, CONFUSES THE HELL OUT OF ME.

Last night we were talking. (Funny thing is even though hes my "crush" I tell him mostly everything, even about other guys - platonic and otherwise) I was telling him about how my friend Jeff and I were jokin around. Jeff had asked me if I knew what his goal in life was and i said "what" and he goes "you dont know!??! Youre supposed to tell me these things" and so I said "well then its to be my slave" and it just went from there. Now at first Chris was laughing and everything was fine but then I started telling him about Jeff's "duties". Which were being my foot rest, typing for me, etc etc. and some other things that weren't really THAT sexual or weren't supposed to be taken in that way. As soon as Chris heard that he went from laughing to going "Woah Woah Woah"... he didn't like it at all.................. it was great :x

Oh look at that I just went right back to fantasy land. Bottom line is he's still taking... that ;asdlkjfdklsfjd;klsdlkfj........her.. to her prom. He was saying how he's going to drink a lot so he doesnt have to deal with it. UM... if you dont want to go then DON'T go you dumb ass. GAH. If he thinks that I'm giong to sit around and wait for him, Boy does he have another thing coming.

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[30 Apr 2003|05:11pm]
I have my sweats and my big sleeping shirt on......

I'll be this way tell saturday (When I have to work)

Because I don't have any plans. lmao. Wait.. that's not funny.

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[20 Apr 2003|06:53pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Christina Aguilera - Impossible ]

I was getting over him, I was fine. Then ONE good conversation... a little show of interest (some encouragement from JOEY, of all people to go see him) and all the feelings come flooding back.
Do you ever really get over someone? Or is it just moving on because you don't have a chance....

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Um.. [19 Apr 2003|09:30pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Something tells me she's trying to make something happen between Johnny and I.

First she kept pushing me to talk to him and I'm glad she did, hes cool.

Johnny and I were talking about Ethan and I mentioned it to Chris... I sense some jealousy in him and it's like... I don't know why.

Anyway I got an email from my cousin cause I emailed her last night to tell her Johnny knows Ethan.

LOL! this is all so funny! So u guys have been talkin alot?? hmmm? hahaha.. .. i saw him yesterday at Rosie's little birthday get together. he were gonna teepee his car but i think he kinda thought sumthin was up and he kept and eye on us and left pretty quick so we couldn't. We all went and watched their softball games last nite.. they lost the first one really bad but ALMOST won the last one but the other team had a really good inning and yea.. well.. u know. They all looked really bummed. but yea, that is hilarious he knows gilbert and ethan! who woudda thunk... heh. ooo so u think
he's pretty cool... yea? lol
sorry. hyperness....

Then in our convo...

Cousin: johnny is the only
Cousin: really truly nice one in that family
Cousin: so have u guys talked alot?
Me: um last night yeah
Me: tell like 4am lol
Cousin: seriously?????
Cousin: heh.. u think he's nice?
Me: i thought that was so funny he knows ethan.. they're complete opposites
Me: yeah hes cool
Cousin: lol yea
Cousin: they are
Cousin: johnny's more of a homebody
Cousin: and yea he is shy

Then Later...
Cousin: u gonna talk to him?
Me: if he messages me lol
Cousin: awww..
Cousin: he keeps getting on
Cousin: and getting off
Cousin: lol prolly gots a bad ISP
Cousin: talk to him!!

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I'll Follow To A Place I Know.. That's Only The Beginning Start Over After Ending [19 Apr 2003|06:40pm]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | Lifehouse - The Beginning ]

I was in such a good mood yesterday... I re-arranged my room, went to work, went grocery shopping, came home talked to Johnny. He's really cool I'm glad my cousin kept pushing me to talk to him. I made a joke to Kate that I need to change the type of guys I date. Go for the good Christian guy or something. Then comes Johnny, he's exactly that type. It scares me....

I talked to Chris a bit... I feel for him. I know he's hurting so much right now. Usually when Chris is in a bad mood it puts me in one cause I really don't like to see him hurt of all people.. but yet it didn't. Could I possibly be losing my feelings for him? or just hope that there is an "us." He just confuses me. Things have changed so much between us in the last two weeks. First things were happy. Then his ex came back and things just changed. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he wants to get over her... but I dunno. It frustrates me that he sells himself short so much. A couple of days ago he texted my cell phone with "I love you" then "I'm trying to make you smile" and I'm like "wtf" um okay Chris.
Don't speak if you don't mean what you say....

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Everybody Knows Your Name.....But They Don't Know Who You Are [19 Apr 2003|06:31pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Lifehouse - Just Another Name ]

How do you know the right time to let something go? I go to bed and I lay there, tired.. but I can't sleep. I WANT to sleep but my mind just wont shut up. It stays quiet the whole rest of the day but when I actually want it to, it wont! lol :-p

Do you ever get this just very alone feeling. I've been feeling that this last week and a half or so. I mean I know I have my family and I do have people that care about me but I don't have someone here with me. (In just a friend sort of way) The more I think about that the more I takes me back to when I did have someone. See where I'm going with this already? Gr I don't even wanna say it cause I feel all pathetic about it. Ok so its not specifically about Nathan but mostly. And I think about it more and more now that I don't have someone to talk to like that.
Theres a part of me that thinks its my fault we don't keep in touch but then on the other hand he wasn't trying to hard either. He was off partying.

Nathan and I were close everything was happy blah blah blah...He planned to come see me for my bday.. stuff like that...I was developing a slight crush on him..I THINK it was mutual but I don't really know. How do you not fall for someone you let so close to you?

Anyway on with this crap. Nathan gets kicked out (stupid anti-christ bitch of a step mom) he emails me and leave me messages one comes that he got a new place... a week later I get one saying that he has a new number, which he gives me and that he has so much to tell me.. cause it'd been a month or so since we talked all night. He asks me how things been with me and if I had been "beating off the guys" (crazy I tell you) and I tell him.. "actually I did meet someone, but its going to be just friends cause hes kinda a dork (at this point I wasn't into that type) His names Kevin but hes a little much for me" I'm supposed to call Nate Friday night. I call. no answer. So I'm sitting at home bored off my ass so... I call Kevin ....and my whole freakin world gets flipped upside down.

And that's a whole other story....

So when all the clouds of Kevin are gone I realize how little I've talked to Nathan, (only about 2 or 3 times in the last 2 months) he hasn't called me either tho. Around September something I call him and he's like "HEY! where have you been? ... why'd you decide to call me out of the blue" I was thinking "out of the blue???" I didn't forget him.. apparently he did me. If I had to chose between Kevin and Nathan back then, I would have chose Nathan. Kevin is the type of guy that has everything I look for, the type I should end up with. Hes very funny and intelligent, hes the "nice" guy and very much a dork.

Nathan on the other hand appeals to another side of me... my dysfunctional one lmao Hes very much a free spirit...He's very "deep" it shows in his journal entries.. and especially in his poetry. When I talked to Nate I got to know him. His views, his opinions, him. I knew no matter what I told him he wasn't going to judge me. He's one of those once in a life time friends. We'd talk about stuff I hadn't with anyone else.
Then theres Nathan the guy that parties. He smokes weed and cigarettes but for some reason with him its not as big a deal. I mean yes hes hurting himself but he doesn't have this ass hole attitude about it. Morgan, omg, with him I'd sigh really loud, roll my eyes and look away...Nathan does weed to relax. He doesn't have this bitch I'm so cool attitude with it. although if I was dating him I'd probably try to get him to stop.

I adore Nathan, I do. I have soo much respect for him and I've never said anything. I want to... but I don't know how.. I don't know if I should. I think yeah why not? who doesn't like a flattering e-mail or something on the other hand I think. What the fuck? He'll think you're nuts and obsessed... Just let it go.
You have no idea the soap opera crap life style he's been through.. and that's just in his family not in his relationships with other people. And Nathan is such a closed off person... really.. to get close to him is damn near impossible.. Yet he told me loads.. so that tells me it wasn't one sided.

Say you were Nate, would you be so wierded out by it?

I guess it just bothers me that he's so special to me and he hasn't got a clue about it.

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[19 Apr 2003|06:19pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Lifehouse - Out Of Breath ]

Random Guy (2:30:47 AM): so what cute stuff are you wearing over there?
SweetnSpice821 (2:31:20 AM): a eskimo jacket
Random Guy (2:31:45 AM): sounds cute...what else?
SweetnSpice821 (2:32:43 AM): a ziplock bag and 4 sheets of newspaper

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Its a small world... [19 Apr 2003|06:18pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Lifehouse - Anchor ]

My first semester at State I had an english class with this guy Ethan.
Ok a year later.... my cousin goes to highschool with this guy Vincent he has an older brother Johnny who is 22. I randomly start talking to him a couple days ago on MSN. We were talking about jobs and stuff....

Desiree says: do you have work expierence
Johnny says: I worked at Cal Fed Bank
Johnny says: 3 years then laid me off when they changed to Citi Bank
Johnny says: it sucked
Desiree says: yeah that sucks
Desiree says: you worked in selma?
*Thinking he might know Gilbert*
Johnny says: in fresno
Johnny says: .Blackstone and Ashlan
Desiree says: do you remember ever working with a guy named Ethan
Johnny says: [Ethans last name]
Desiree says: yeah
Johnny says: yeah
Johnny says: !!!!!!!!
Desiree says: lol

Then were talking about stories about him... being the idiot that he is lol

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It's not funny.. I shouldnt be laughing... But I AM! [16 Apr 2003|06:34am]
[ mood | amused ]

Kate: its also that stuff they inject me with, what if i have a blue kid, you know all the kids on the playground are gonna call him "smurf bastard"

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[11 Apr 2003|10:40pm]
I scored
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!
Take the test here!
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